#phanficsanon

Dan was happy for Phil.

He expressed this when Phil told him he had a new boyfriend.

Yes, they still talked. They were best friends before they were boyfriends, which came before becoming ex-boyfriends. They would always be best friends. Phil was Dan’s soulmate, even though clearly that was a one-sided feeling.

Dan never believed in soulmates until he met Phil. Nobody understood Dan like Phil did. Nobody knew his body language so well. Nobody could read him like Phil could.

No one made Dan as happy as Phil, no one made Dan as hopeful for the future as Phil, no one made Dan feel heard and understood and loved the way Phil did.

So, yes, they still talked.

It had been 7 months since the breakup, and both of them were pretty much over it. At least, that’s what Dan thought.

“I just can’t do this anymore,” Phil said when he and Dan were sitting out on the balcony of their apartment one night.

“What do you mean?” Dan asked, but he had a pretty good idea of where this was going.

“I’m just so tired all the time, Dan. I shouldn’t be tired. This thing... what we are... it shouldn't make me so damn exhausted,” Phil said. He even sounded tired. Defeated. He had his head buried in his hands and his shoulders were slumped over.

“Oh,” Dan said. He didn’t know what else to say. He was dumbfounded.

But he supposed he should have seen it coming. Optimism was never really Dan’s thing, but when it came to his relationship with Phil, he held on and remained optimistic because Phil was the only thing keeping him grounded.

Dan knew that he and Phil hadn’t had sex in 3 months. It’s been even longer since they had slept in the same bed. Dan knew all of this, realistically, but he wanted to believe that they could fix this, that they could pull through this like they had everything else.

“We could go to couple’s counseling like I’ve suggested before. We -”

“No,” Phil sighed, looking up at Dan with watery eyes. “It wouldn’t work. There’s so much that’s wrong, there’s so much that's broken. They wouldn’t even know where to start. I wouldn’t know where to start.”

“Please, Phil, I’m trying to fix this!” Dan begged. Tears were streaming down his cheeks, glistening in the moonlight and the twinkling brightness that came with London at night.

“You can’t fix this, Dan. I’m sorry. I’m done. It’s too much. It’s so damn much and so damn overwhelming and half the time I feel like I can’t breathe and the other half of the time I wish I could stop breathing altogether - God, Dan I’m sorry but I just can’t anymore,” Phil rambled.

Dan nodded. All he could do was nod. Phil made his decision and Dan had to accept that whether he liked it or not.

“I love you,” Dan said suddenly. “You don’t have to say it back. But I do. I love everything about you and I know how cliche it is but I will never, ever stop loving you. I’m sorry we’re so broken. I’m sorry we couldn’t work this out. But I love you. I love you so much, Phil.”

“I love you too, Dan. I’m sorry,” Phil replied.

With that, Dan stood up and went back inside. He was shivering from the cold air and the adrenaline and how hard he was trying not to break down.

Dan locked himself in the bathroom and sat down on the closed toilet seat. He finally let himself go. He started sobbing, wailing, not caring who heard him - whether it be the neighbors or Phil.

Dan cried and let everything out. It felt like five tons of weight were crushing his chest with the amount of loss and heartbreak and sorrow he felt.

He wished he could be angry. Being angry was so easy. But he wasn’t angry. He was so fucking heartbroken and so fucking sad and he couldn’t believe this was happening but it was - oh God.

And that was the end of Dan and Phil.

So when the two did hang out, they usually watched movies or played Mario Kart or did something to keep their minds away from their past, away from what happened between them. If their minds were occupied, everything went well and it wasn’t awkward.

So that’s why Dan was more than a little nervous when Phil asked Dan to get a coffee with him at Starbucks.

When Dan arrived, Phil was already sitting at a booth. Dan walked up to him and sat down across from him, smiling as he did so despite his anxiety.

“Hey, Dan,” Phil greeted happily.

“Hi, Phil,” Dan replied. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been good. Busy, though,” Phil chuckled.

“Same,” Dan said in response.

The conversation was going pretty well, and Dan relaxed a little bit. Phil talked about a small cupcake shop he had just tried for the first time and how the art museum had some cool new pieces.

“Wow, Phil. Sounds like you’ve been getting out a lot. What happened to you?” Dan joked.

“I met someone,” Phil said. His eyes were focused on the man in front of him, scanning his face for a reaction.

“You did?” Dan asked, feeling his voice crack.

“Yeah. He’s my boyfriend now. His name is Julian,” Phil said, almost shyly. He was looking down at the table now.

“Oh,” Dan said. “W-well, uh, I hope he makes you happy. I hope you’re happy, Phil. Or at least... happier.”

Phil just nodded and said thank you. There was no point in saying oh yeah I’m so much happier with him than I was with you, Dan because Phil knew Dan was hurting enough as it is.

Dan tried not to show his emotions but it was hard. He couldn’t stop thinking about how someone else got to experience Phil. Someone else would get to hear Phil’s laugh, see his crooked teeth when he smiled and how his tears looked running down his pale cheeks.

They would get to hug Phil and cherish him and see how his thighs trembled and shook when you touched him just right.

They got to experience all of Phil that Dan once had. The creativity, the innocence - it made Dan’s heart break all over again.

“I’ve got to go,” Dan said suddenly. He stood up quickly and threw the remainder of his coffee in the trash.

“Dan, wait, please!” Phil called.

Dan just shook his head, letting Phil know he heard him and speed walked out the door. Tears were rolling down his cheeks and he hid his face in his hands, breathing heavily and walking in whatever direction his feet were taking him.

“Please talk to me, Dan!” Phil shouted as he ran after Dan, now turning into a dark alleyway.

“Wha do you want?” Dan asked, wiping away his tears and turning around to look at Phil.

“Dan I know this isn’t easy and I know you’re hurting but please. It’s been seven months. You need to move on, for your own sake. You deserve to be happy, too.”

“Do you think I was fucking lying when I told you I would never stop loving you? ‘Cause I meant it, Phil,” Dan said, raising his voice now. He was angry now because he couldn’t take being sad anymore.

“That doesn’t mean you can’t love someone else, too,” Phil tried to reason.

“No, Phil. I will never love anyone the way I loved you. I’m glad that you’re happy but you can’t expect me to just be okay and to just move on the way you did. I’m sorry, but it’s true,” Dan said.

And Dan wasn’t okay after that. He still remained friends with Phil and was even nice to Julian. He was the best man at their wedding.

But Dan wasn’t okay. He was never okay again. And he never, ever stopped loving Phil.