#peterfile

Schedule 1 Homies #2

I am not a fan of the Occupy protests which keep happening in places. The Newcastle one is gone now, which is funny. I find it funny because I am not gone and they are, so I won. I want to whip them, all of them.

Directly after the monkey had his first sip of alcohol, he was drunk. He was so, so, so drunk that he saw Satan. Satan told him to put his hands down his pants. The monkey said that he did not wear pants because he was a monkey and had not fallen to original sin when Eve became a prostitute so he didn't not need to wear pants. The devil told him he was an idiot. Everybody wears pants and everybody is a sinner. Everybody. Especially my son. The devil told the monkey to put his hands in-between his legs instead, so the monkey did. He found his penis, threw up and then touched it again because it felt nice. He pulled and pulled on his penis until white toothpaste came pouring out of it. He is going to Hell. Satan laughed at him and flew away.

Hello. This is my first post in a long time - 5 months! - because I have been hiding from my son. At first I hid in the cupboard but that didn't work very well for a few reasons (I am scared of the dark and I have diabetes - if I don't eat then I will die. I know that most people will die if they don't eat but I will die faster than you unless you have diabetes which I hope that you do). Anyway that didn't work very well so after hiding next to the fridge for a few days I decided to go to America. I didn't get to America because of something that God made me do back in the crazy nineties. Instead I went to Wallsend and hid in a nice lady's bathroom for a while. I don't think she minded. Anyway, yes, I am back and my son has gone away for a while. I will post more children's stories soon.

When Tarquin was a teenager he was very fat because he ate so many crisps. No-one likes fat monkeys.

Once upon a time, a daddy monkey and a mummy monkey prayed very hard to God. God listened to them a bit but it was a Sunday, so he didn't do anything. Instead the mummy and the daddy had sex and a baby monkey was born. Sex is a sin and very bad so the baby monkey was cursed to be a failure,  just like my son. The baby monkey was called Tarquin.