#personaljournal

Part 18 — The Sticker Conversation

This memory randomly came back today.

It happened before my friend left the company.

Whenever she seemed stressed or upset, I’d sometimes leave little notes on her desk.

Nothing special.

Just a few encouraging words.

Sometimes I’d leave stickers too.

Mostly anime stickers.

Volleyball anime, to be exact.

One day, I happened to walk by her desk.

Before I reached her, I overheard him asking,

“Are these your stickers? Do you like this anime?”

He had noticed all the stickers scattered around her workspace.

She smiled and replied,

“No, they’re from C (me).”

That was it.

The conversation ended there.

No follow-up questions.

No dramatic plot twist.

Just a normal conversation between coworkers.

Later, I remembered that I’d seen on Facebook that he also watched the same volleyball anime.

Maybe that’s why the stickers caught his attention.

Or maybe he was simply making conversation.

I don’t know.

And honestly…

I don’t need to know.

It’s funny how my brain stores tiny moments like these.

A question about stickers.

A shared interest that never became a conversation.

Another ordinary memory quietly finding its place in this journal.

Sometimes I wonder how many stories never happen simply because two people never start talking.

Then again…

Maybe that’s okay.

Not every shared interest has to become a friendship.

Not every coincidence has to become a connection.

Part 17 — Three Crushes

I realized something today.

In my entire life…

I’ve only had three real crushes.

That’s it.

The first one was when I was a kid.

Maybe third grade.

I still remember him.

Back then, K-pop was becoming really popular, and to me, he looked like one of those Korean singers.

Golden hair.

Straight.

Shiny.

The kind of hair that somehow looked perfect every single day.

He was a quiet kid.

Maybe that’s why I noticed him.

We lived in the same village, not too far from each other.

And just like every crush after him…

I never talked to him.

I simply admired him from a distance.

⸻

The second crush happened years later.

I’d known him since 2019, but we weren’t close.

Then he joined the company as an intern for three months.

That’s when I started noticing him differently.

Only to find out…

He already had a girlfriend.

Classic.

I look back now and laugh because I was so awkward.

I remember leaving a candy on his desk during lunch.

To be fair…

It wasn’t only for him.

I left candy for a couple of coworkers too.

But somehow, my brain still likes to replay that memory and whisper,

“Really?”

I also remember trying to dress a little nicer.

Not dramatically.

Just…

Putting in a little more effort.

Looking back, I don’t even think I knew what my style was.

I’d buy clothes hoping they’d magically make me look more confident.

Spoiler alert:

They didn’t.

I was still the same shy person underneath.

Honestly…

I wasn’t trying to become someone else.

I just wanted to be noticed.

⸻

And now…

There’s this third crush.

The one who somehow ended up with seventeen journal entries.

The funny thing is…

Compared to the second one, I think I’ve actually behaved much better.

I haven’t left mysterious candy.

I haven’t tried to create opportunities to talk.

I haven’t crossed any boundaries.

I’ve mostly kept everything inside these pages.

Maybe that’s what growing up looks like.

Not that I stopped having crushes.

But I’ve learned that I don’t have to act on every feeling.

Some people arrive in our lives only long enough to remind us that our hearts still work.

They don’t have to become part of our future.

Sometimes they’re simply a chapter.

And maybe…

Part 16 — Wake Up to Reality

A few months ago, I actually managed to make a joke.

Well…

A tiny one.

It was a Saturday morning.

We only work half a day on Saturdays, and I noticed he rarely comes in.

So when I saw him, I smiled a little and said,

“Oh, you came to work today. Normally you don’t.”

He looked at me and replied,

“So do you.”

That was it.

A five-second conversation.

Then we both went back to work like nothing happened.

Honestly…

That tiny interaction probably lasted less than ten seconds.

Yet somehow, it became another page in this journal.

⸻

Today was another Saturday.

Around noon, we were both clocking out.

I had just come back from the bathroom and saw him sitting on the couch near the elevators.

Waiting.

Just like me.

For a brief second…

Our eyes met.

Only a second.

I walked over to press the elevator button, and we ended up taking separate elevators anyway.

Nothing special.

Just another ordinary moment.

After getting my motorbike from the basement, I started riding toward the exit.

Then I saw a familiar car drive past.

His girlfriend.

And without even thinking, my mind quietly said,

“Alright… wake up.”

Not in a sad way.

Just…

A gentle reminder.

A reminder that reality exists outside of my imagination.

Earlier, before we left, I had noticed he was dressed casually.

An oversized T-shirt.

He looked nice.

That was all.

I didn’t stare.

I couldn’t even if I wanted to.

Maybe a second.

Less than that.

When we were waiting for the elevator, I glanced over for just a moment.

By the time I looked, it seemed like he’d already looked my way.

Maybe he had.

Maybe he hadn’t.

Honestly…

It doesn’t matter.

I’ve learned not to build stories from a one-second glance.

Some moments are just moments.

Not every eye contact is a message.

Not every coincidence is a sign.

And not every crush is meant to become something more.

Maybe this little crush has been teaching me something all along.

It’s okay to admire someone.

It’s okay to imagine.

It’s okay to smile at the small, awkward moments.

But it’s also okay to leave them exactly where they belong.

As quiet memories.

Nothing more.

Part 11 — Mission Failed

I have a confession.

I actually tried to approach him.

A few times.

Every single attempt failed. 🤣

Sometimes I’d gather enough courage to walk toward him…

Then at the very last second, I’d panic.

So I’d suddenly pretend I was talking to someone else.

Or I’d randomly point at an object like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

“Wow… look at… that…” 👉

Smooth.

Hopefully he never noticed. 😭

The first official failure happened in July last year.

We were helping refugees, and I was calling people over to collect their meals.

I called his name.

Nothing.

No response.

Mission failed.

Attempt #1: ❌🙂‍↔️

Then this year, during our company trip, we were on a boat at night.

It was freezing.

He was standing nearby talking to someone else.

I thought, I needed help, maybe he could call someone for me.

“Maybe I’ll say something…”

So I did.

…

Nothing.

Either he didn’t hear me, or the wind decided it wasn’t my day.

I quietly accepted my fate.

Attempt #2: ❌🫠

At this point, I should probably stop trying.

Apparently, the universe has a very strong opinion about my social skills.

Maybe my destiny is simply to collect awkward memories instead of conversations.

Honestly…

It’s becoming funnier than it is disappointing.

One day, years from now, I’ll probably reread these journal entries and think,

“Wow… I really documented every failed interaction with this poor guy.”

At least I can say one thing.

I tried.

The universe said,

“Not today.” 🤣

Part 10

Lately, we keep accidentally bumping into each other around the office.

Well… not literally bumping.

It’s usually at the corridor near the bathroom.

One of us opens the door, the other turns the corner, and suddenly we’re both trying to avoid walking into each other.

We’d step left.

Then both step right.

Then left again.

Like two NPCs with terrible pathfinding. 🤣

The first few times, we’d laugh.

Now we’ve somehow mastered the art of avoiding each other. We successfully dodge shoulders like professionals. 🙂‍↔️🙂‍↔️

No laughter.

Just a quiet little dance before we continue walking.

I’ve also noticed something.

Whenever he’s nearby, I’m instantly aware of it.

It’s like my brain has a built-in proximity sensor.

“Warning: Tall coworker detected.” 🚨

And every now and then…

I have this completely random urge to lightly punch his abdomen.

Not because I’m angry.

Just…

You know how sometimes your brain says,

“Go be annoying.” 🤣

Of course, I never would.

Imagine having to explain that to HR.

“I promise it wasn’t harassment. My intrusive thoughts just won for half a second.” 😭

So instead, I continue acting like the coolest, most unreadable coworker in the building.

Meanwhile…

My journal knows I’m just a dork with a harmless little crush.

And honestly, I think that’s enough.

Tonight, I found myself doing something I told myself I wouldn’t do.

I ended up looking through my ex’s girlfriend’s profile. (I know I shouldn't have, but I was just curious)

It looks like they’re back together.

Honestly… I wasn’t surprised.

She loved him. She always did.

I laughed to myself remembering last December. He reached out to me again, and at the same time, she messaged me, telling me to run. I was exhausted from trying to convince her that she deserved better. I shut him down, and somehow, she ended up shutting me down too—then went back to him anyway.

Life is funny like that.

You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. 🫠

And maybe that’s okay.

What caught me off guard wasn’t seeing them together again. 🙂‍↔️ (He doesn't deserve her)

It was seeing her career.

She has built something of her own. A beautiful portfolio. A business. A life that looks like it’s moving forward.

That’s when I realized…

I wasn’t comparing our relationships.

I was comparing our progress.

For a brief moment, I felt like she was ahead of me.

It’s a strange feeling because I don’t resent her. If anything, I admire what she’s created. I know how much courage it takes to start something from nothing.

Maybe what I envy isn’t her success.

Maybe I envy the confidence of someone who has already pressed “publish.”

Meanwhile, I’ve spent so much time preparing—learning, researching, planning, questioning myself, making sure everything is ready before taking the next step.

Sometimes I wonder if preparation becomes another way of hiding.

The truth is, everyone else’s life always looks more complete from the outside.

I don’t know what she sacrificed.

I don’t know what she’s struggling with.

I only know the version that’s visible to the world.

And maybe someone else is looking at my life, thinking I’m ahead of them.

Funny how comparison works.

It convinces both people they’re losing.

So tonight, instead of asking why someone else is further ahead, I want to ask myself a different question.

Am I further than I was yesterday?

I think the answer is yes.

Maybe that’s enough.

Part 9

There was one thing that surprised me about myself.

During our company trip to the islands, he received an award for being one of the best-performing employees.

When everyone applauded, I smiled too.

But if I’m being honest…

A tiny part of me felt jealous.

Not because I didn’t think he deserved it.

He absolutely did.

He’d only been here for around seven months, yet everyone kept saying the same things about him—that he’s really good at what he does, that he’s a great problem solver, and that he’s someone people can rely on.

I’ve heard it from more than one coworker.

So no, I wasn’t questioning whether he earned it.

I think what upset me was seeing someone be recognized for something I’ve secretly wished for myself.

I’ve worked hard too, but I’ve never been the kind of person who naturally stands out.

Ironically, I want my work to be acknowledged, yet I don’t actually like being the center of attention.

It’s a strange contradiction.

Part of me wants to be seen.

Another part of me wants to stay invisible.

Maybe that’s why recognition has always felt so far away.

Still… seeing him receive that award made me realize something.

I don’t just have a little crush on him.

I admire him.

I admire competence.

I admire people who can solve problems under pressure.

I admire someone who’s genuinely good at what they do.

Maybe that’s my type after all.

Apparently, I have a weakness for smart people. 🤣🫠

Instead of letting envy turn into resentment, I want it to become motivation.

Maybe one day, I’ll earn my own recognition—not because I’m competing with anyone, but because I’ve grown into the person I know I can become.

Part 8

If I’m being completely honest with myself, my imagination does wander sometimes.

I catch myself fantasizing about what it would be like if we were closer—what it would feel like to hold his hand, to hug him, to be intimate with him.

But that’s all it is.

An imagination.

A story my mind writes when I’m daydreaming.

None of it exists in real life.

And I know the difference between fantasy and reality.

Would part of me like it to happen? Maybe.

But would I ever act on it?

NO.

Not while he has a girlfriend.

Not at the cost of someone else’s relationship.

And definitely not in my workplace.

I’ve never wanted to be part of a love triangle or become the reason someone else’s relationship falls apart. That’s simply not the kind of person I want to be.

Some feelings deserve to stay private.

Not because they’re shameful, but because not every feeling needs to become an action.

So I’ll let my imagination remain exactly where it belongs—in these pages.

Tomorrow, I’ll go back to work, say hello if we happen to cross paths (That's never gonna happen 😌), continue living my own life, and keep building the future I’m working so hard for.

Maybe that’s the most mature thing about having a crush:

Knowing that you can feel something deeply, yet still choose to do nothing with it.