#personal year 1

January 27, 2021 [12:48]

last night, I let myself feel what arose when I think about fearing that I'm a disappointed or that I will be a disappointed to my mom. at first, it was intense pain. I felt vulnerable, exposed, dismayed, and in distress. there was a lot of tension on my forehead, in my mind. I wanted to quit the exercise but instead breathed through it. that's when sadness washed over me. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

sitting with my sadness is difficult. I feel heartbroken, hopeless, miserable, and dejected. but I let my thoughts go -from 'it can never get better from here" to "sometimes I just feel like I should be in a much better place in life than I am in now." ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

after more breathing through the sadness, I found out that what was more disheartening than fearing being a disappointed is the sorrow I feel when I betray and disappoint myself. one big example is telling myself I'd do all these creative projects I have in mind, but never commiting to them. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

I also found out that I betray myself when I put my self-care practices last in the day, when it's no longer self-care but a human need to sleep. I'll start writing in my journal & doze off or tell myself I'll "do yoga later" until I'm too tired. I actually feel this way, this disappointed with myself, more often that I thought. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀