#personal tw.

One, I have mixed feelings about the kind of roleplay scenarios they tried talking me into (pretty much all of them overly fetishized yaoi and age gaps that would make you gag). And two, I don't think that I EVER disclosed any of my family information to them, so what the actual Hell?

I know that’s mostly my depression talking, but at the same time this blog is backed up and cluttered and hard to navigate. And for as much as I cherish the good memories I’ve made here, there are some things other than that I want to separate myself from.

I’m tired of being taken for granted. I’m tired of feeling used.

I love my characters and the world I’ve built up for them and I don’t want to give that up. If I do set things aside here and make a new blog, it will be centered around Luna with the rest of my cast (Anton, Lucca, Elliot, etc..) being available on request. I would like to keep and transfer most of my bonds/ships over to new said blog, after contacting people and letting them know if they’d like to continue or not.

This is something I’ve been mulling over for a few days and it hasn’t gone away. Part of me knows it will just put more work on me and I don’t know whether or not I should because I’ve been feeling so low, and me even making the tiniest of mistakes sends me spiraling. I keep trying to remind myself that things will get better once I’m healed, but even that doesn’t help in the short term. I know this might feel like I’m coming out of left field for some of you, but I’m not used to talking about things like this, not without feeling ashamed and like I’m fishing for pity points and then delete anything I have to say less than a day later.

I appreciate the people who have reached out to me and if I’ve dropped the conversation suddenly... it’s on me. It’s my fault. I don’t know how to talk about these things without coming off selfish or angry or both, and I don’t want to push that on people.

I haven’t made a concrete decision yet as to whether or not to move and start fresh. I’d have to gather most of my writings, bios, headcanons, etc... and transfer them onto Google Docs, hopefully in a way that makes them more easily accessible after some tweaking. Make it dash only because I’m not bothering with theme graphics, they’ve never been my strong suit.

For the last few years, the holidays around Christmas time have just been... rough for me. And this year especially, my depression surrounding it has just gone downhill. I know, I know it’s mostly just my mind playing tricks on me, blowing things out of proportion... but sometimes, it’s not. Making me feel useless. Worthless. Like everything I have to say is just getting stomped on or trampled, like I’m talking into a void. Which makes me even more hesitant to talk about it out loud, because deep down I feel like no one is listening.

I’ve lost family around this time of year, I lost my dog only a few months ago and still find myself crying over it. My birthday is tomorrow, and I’m actually dreading it. I’m just... I’m not okay right now. My mind is here and yet it isn’t here, I don’t know how else to explain it. Anything I do, I feel like I’m doing something wrong and half the time I don’t know what, and it makes me lash out at people if I’m not careful.

Until Christmas is over, I’m going to be quieter and my presence on the dash will be less. Still lurking from time to time, unless it just becomes too much for me. I may even wipe my drafts clean just for a fresh start... so if we have a thread going on that you would like to keep, let me know. Otherwise, I just don’t think I have it in me right now.

I also don’t think I’ll have those Christmas drawings ready in time. I’m sorry... if nothing else, I just want to put my focus in drawing what I want, instead of what is expected of me from other people. It’s a way for me to visualize something rattling around inside my head or simply relieve stress... and right now, I need that more than ever. I know it probably sounds selfish, and I’m sorry. I still hope you guys have a wonderful holiday outside of this.

If... If anyone does need me, I’ll be on Discord. Replies will be slow but... I’ll be around. Just not as much here.