#personal i guess...

...the feeling when you don't succeed even after lowering your standards

today could either be really shitty, or really wonderful, and I honestly woke up today feeling the former.

it’s gray and wet outside and I was already late starting my day thanks to my reoccurring activity of turning off my phone alarm when it rings, not actually getting out of bed to get ready, but instead falling right back asleep, which is dangerous for me because I won’t wake back up…

but lucky me, the stress of missing yet another class forced my brain to randomly wake up 30mins before class.

because one of my flatmates was in the bathroom I decided to check my phone. 3 texts and 10 Facebook notifications and counting. Happy Birthday to me. I open the text and the first I read is from my dad, and it’s short and jarring, filled with textual abbreviations that annoy me. it ends with him saying he’ll call me later so I decide to give him the chance to redeem himself later.

(EDIT: he called me while I was hanging out with some fellow Trebs and told me that the day I was born was the best day of his life. (killmenowidontdeserveyourloveidonthateyouasmuchaspeoplethink.))

the next are from my mom’s boyfriend and my little sister. my mom’s boyfriend’s text is short… but filled with all these superlatives he associates with me…

"Hey. Happy birthday to the kindest, cutest, smartest, funniest, person in the whole wide world. Enjoy your day." - Merv

my heart breaks… and splinters further when I read the passage my sister writes me, telling me I’m the most “special, amazing, awesome, supportive and beautiful big sister” she could ever ask for… and that’s just the opening sentence. I go on Facebook and there’s the general “happy birthday!” from the people you’re just Facebook friends with, “Happy Birthday, Kiki” from those who know me a bit more personally, and then there’s my mom.. and ah, I’m not surprised at her post at all because she’s always a bit “extra” but I enjoyed reading every word. two hundred plus miles away and I can still feel every ounce of her love.

I’m laying down on my bed, on my stomach, reading all of these things and I glance at the clock. 9:20. class starts in 20 minutes, so I roll over to head to the bathroom and I just stop midway because the floor of my dorm room is covered with balloons and there’s streamers in the doorway and taped on my closet in the form of a “20”. I look over to where my roommate is sitting on her bed and she’s just giggling and smiling down at her phone, looking extremely pleased with herself. I hug her tightly and whisper my thanks, go to the bathroom and cry.

I cry as I brush my teeth and change into my clothes and I can’t tell if I’m crying because I’m surprised and I usually don’t get surprised, or because I don’t feel like I deserve all of these kind words and gestures or, because I wasn’t expecting much and got way, waaaay more than I could handle…

(I think it’s the last one.)

I was expecting my mom and sister to call me at twelve and sing happy birthday, and my high school best friends to text me, but I wasn’t expecting my roommate to wrap all these DVDs I’ve never seen in Christmas paper and hand me a gift card to my favorite video store to keep “adding to my collection,” ; I was not expecting her to wake up early and fill our room with fucking balloons and get me a sparkly “Happy Birthday” tiara I will not wear but greatly appreciated nonetheless ; for my friend to come over after his night work shift and surprise me with Pokemon Y (yeahhhh, I’m late to the game. suck ittttt) which I jokingly made a passing comment about wanting last semester…

(EDIT: I WAS NOT EXPECTING TO BE SENT A FUCKING ADORABLE BIRTHDAY VIDEO FROM MY FRIEND STUDYING ABROAD IN LONDON OF HER SERENADING ME AND SHOWING OFF HER NEWFOUND UKELE SKILLS. (I miss her voice and face so muchhh))

I was not expecting my best friend here in Binghamton to plan a birthday party for me and invite all my Trebs and “outside” friends, which I really, really appreciate more than I’ve let on, because my family was supposed to come up this weekend and at the last minute couldn’t anymore and I was crushed… (I miss home so much)

I love allllll my friends, so much, but there’s something about reading what people you met a year or two ago think of you and realizing that, yeah, you think YOU’RE a mostly good person, but they… aha, they think sooo much more of you… and it’s really, really awesome to hear, because I didn’t really know I needed it till I got it.

for me, it’s best to keep your expectations low because then you won’t be disappointed, right? right. the logic makes sense…but keep your expectations too low and you’ll be completely blindsided by the amazing people in your life who love you and think you’re more fantastic than you could ever believe yourself to be, and you will end up crying on your birthday.