#persnnl

I think I really weird people out when I tell them I like them.  I've been rejected most of the time, which is fine, ya know. People aren't obligated to like anyone else, and I don't take it personally.  But it still wears on me. Which is due to the fact that I have low self esteem because of how I was raised, emotional abuse, this disfiguring disease thing, whatever, et cetera.  I don't like it when I don't get straight answers, but usually I'm their friend and they don't want to hurt me, or whatever other reasons. And again it's not like I hold it against them, but I hate being left in the dark. This pertains to just about anything, though. 

I'm always afraid people won't like me because of these scars and lesions, and I mean they are hard to look at. One of my exes was like "wow, you really need to wash better do you have a loofah" when she saw my back. Washing has nothing to do with it but she didn't know anything about it.  She was an all around jerk anyway. One was nice about it but she was an emotionally manipulative and abusive person, so I don't really think that counts.  It is getting worse now, and I may become terribly disfigured, no one really knows.  It makes me really sad to think about how it'll affect my life, in this type of situation and otherwise.  I'm kind of vain already, but I just want to look normal, not some weird bumpy person that's difficult to look at, not someone another person is too freaked out to touch.

I'm afraid people won't like me because I'm fat, which I don't think is a big deal, but we live in a society where it's a "bad" thing to be, and that's one of the things my mom messed with me about when I was little.  I feel like it's only a terrible thing if it's about me.  Like my mom would tell me I'd be 600 pounds by the time I was 16 and wouldn't buy me pretty things until I lost weight or blah blah, which I was on steroids for breathing and because of my disease pretty much since I was born, so I don't know what was up with her about that but it's done now. 

I'm a weird dude in general. I don't know how to talk to people a lot.  My mom used to say I was acting retarded when I was just trying to being friendly or wanted to be acknowledged.  My mom never really talks about things and neither does anyone else in my family, really.  I think that has a lot to do with it. I'm nice, and I'm smart and I have a lot of cool ideas and do a lot of cool things and I've learned to appreciate myself mostly. I like myself a lot. But it always seems like people easily disregard me especially in relationships and it's exhausting and frustrating. It usually seems like I'm the one who's of little importance.  This happens in some of my friendships, too.  Like I'm more of a soundboard or someone to confide in but it's not reciprocated. It's the same with affection, too.  I'm not insanely affectionate, but I'm more in the habit of voicing my feelings.  It's too hard to hide things now.  But it usually seems like it's a hassle to the other person to acknowledge me or whatever.  Which again, I'm not expecting anyone to show affection the same way I do, or decide what a balanced relationship is, platonic or otherwise, but it's tough feeling disregarded or ignored and I especially hate feeling that way.  And it is terrible when it's people you love. Not a lot of people I'm around do this sort of thing anymore, but bits and pieces still happen, and I know I do these things to people sometimes, but we're people so it's just gonna happen.