Sep 30, 2020
Some people care most about exhibiting how much they care.
Sarah Manguso, from 300 Arguments
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Some people care most about exhibiting how much they care.
Sarah Manguso, from 300 Arguments
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A little rant I wrote
No matter how much sleep I get, I'm still fucking exhausted.
I take my pills as I should, I try to get some sleep, no matter how much I fucking rest, I get 6 hours before I feel exhausted again.
Body like lead and thoughts chaotic, yet, im expected to function like any other person. For fucks sake, even i WANT TO FUNCTION. not something polished or noble or even a goal or a dream, but because that's what the human race decided on a seemingly passing whim.
Get up and have dreams. And for what exactly? I tried understanding. Got 2 fucking cats which keep me sane so I don't sink below. 2 cats who love me no matter what I do and don't do, no matter how much I cry, no matter how late I wake up or if I was just too tired to brush my teeth. Get up and work. Get up and study. Jesus Christ I would, if I WASNT SO FUCKING TIRED. You think it's fun to be isolated at home because 98% of places are fucking INACCESSIBLE? do you think that it's normal to not see a wheelchair bound person alone, out in the streets, out on a drink, spending time in a library, out on a party, on a concert, on budget trips with with friends because they all study on a university??? IN OUR SOCIETY, IT IS. BUT IT SHOULDNT BE. FUCKING HELL, WHY IS EVERYONE SO SHOCKED THAT A WHEELCHAIR BOUND PERSON LIKE ME IS AT A UNIVERSITY??? I DON'T NEED YOUR PRAYERS, I DONT NEED YOU TO TELL ME HOW STRONG I AM, BECAUSE I SHOULDN'T FUCKING HAVE TO BE. Of course, many people are mentally disabled, and they will never be able to study like I do. THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE SHOULD BE HIDDEN IN FUCKING SANATORIUMS. don't get me wrong. SANATORIUMS are a gift from God for many. But, do you know why??? Have you ever stopped to think why these organizations are SO FUCKING RARE?? that's because NOBODY FUCKING CARES. ITS BECAUSE ALMOST ALL OF THEM, IF NOT LITERALLY ALL OF THEM, RUN THANKS TO FUCKING DONATIONS. DO YOU UNDERSTAND??? WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE SUBJECTED TO "MERCY OF THE HEALTHY?!
WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO GET A DEGREE TO HOPEFULLY HOLD DOWN A FUCKING JOB? Sure. I could be an accountant or something, right? WELL STOP FOR A SECOND WILL YOU SWEETIE. HOW MANY WORKPLACES have a DISABLED TOILET? HOW MANY DISABLED COWORKERS DO YOU HAVE? WE CAN WORK FROM HOME. NO PROBLEM RIGHT??? SAY THAT AGAIN AFTER BEING FUCKING STUCK AT HOME FOR 2 WEEKS STRAIGHT AND MORE. people had DEPRESSION AND MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES DURING COVID. Now, WHAT DO YOU THINK ALMOST CONSTANT ISOLATION DOES TO US? I'M SO THANKFUL TO MY FRIENDS AND MY MOM WHO TAKE ME OUT WHEN THERE'S TIME. ESPECIALLY MY MOM. WERE IT NOT FOR HER, I WOULDNT EVER EXPERIENCE A CONCERT. It's NOT easy to constantly search for what's accessible. FINDING SELECT HOTELS JUST SO I CAN MOVE IN THE ROOM OR TAKE A PISS. AND EVEN AFTER THAT, I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO GO THERE. I COULD NEVER GO TO A HOSPITAL ALONE. GODDAMN HOSPITAL. I CANT EVEN GET FUCKING SICK BECAUSE THE NURSES ARE SO UNDERPAID THEY OFTEN REFUSE TO HELP THE DISABLED BECAUSE OF HOW FUCKING HARD IT IS AND THEY GET NOTHING FOR THE EXTRA WORK THEY HAVE TO DO. But sure, nobody fucking cares because it doesn't concern them. Dont even let me start on mental health. THE FUCKING SYSTEM IS SO RIGGED NOT EVEN HEALTHY PEOPLE GET THE HELP THEY NEED. WHY BOTHER WITH MENTAL HEALTH? JUST GET A FUCKING DRINK AND MAN UP. THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOUR FUCKING RELATIONSHIPS FALL APART. but hey, all we care about is to keep a steady fucking pace and smile on our faces just so we don't fuck up another's day.