#per son al..

I'm alive for other people, truth is I couldn't care less if I died. I'm only here so I can hopefully make other people's lives better.

I wish my mom could see me now. I think she'd be so proud of me. I was talking to my dad today about her and everything that's been happening within the last few weeks and he said she'd definitely be so proud of me. 😭 Like I started tearing up over Skype and had to apologize (which my dad of course said it's good to cry sometimes). Idk, it'd just be cool to hear her actually say it and tell me I'm doing okay. I miss her, but I know she's watching me and smiling.

I want to just die. I'm so tired.. I feel like I'm falling apart.

It's hard waking up lately. I don't know what's to come with my life and I'm scared. I'm tired of what I've been doing but idk how to change it. Part of me just wants to pull out of everything and give up, but I know I can't.

Twice now while I've Skyped my Dad he's had to clarify that suicide is not an option. I feel bad that he feels the need to clarify that with me, but at the same time it makes me feel understood. Like he understands that I'm trying my best and life is really hard, but he believes in me when I can't believe in myself.

Could I just be happy for once? I don't even know why I'm holding on.

Sometimes it would just be easier if I was dead. I'm so tired of this shit. I just wish life would work in my favor for once. Have I not gone through enough shit already?? What did I even do to deserve all of this?? Fuck.

I literally don't even have enough time to take care of my own mental health and my sister forces me to try to take care of my nieces/nephews too. I can't give them my all right now and I feel horrible for that. Fuck I'm so stressed and suicidal lately...