I told @nuggetpool-hi this needs to be a meme template... he agreed... here's some silly shit Wade says before bed (or in his sleep) I included a blank one for others if they got ideas.
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Authors note: The literal Blizzard in Kansas City gave me the time to finish this chapter, because I'm snowed in... I hope y'all like it.
Dr. House and the Wolverine
What happens, dear reader when you're left alone with your totally not boyfriend's very intimidating dad who has retractable Freddy Krueger claws...
Morning came, the automatic curtain retreated, and dawns light came crashing into the room. Greg had a surprisingly restful night, Wilson had infact not repeatedly kicked him. He was however quite chagrined
to discover that the dog Mary Puppens had nuzzeled herself firmly between his arm and arm pit.
Do you do this sort of thing with all house guests or am I special. He said to the dog who stood up, winked at him again, shook herself and hoped off the bed, and trotted out the door and down the hall... baffled Greg got out of bed. Wilson had gotten up before him he was already out and about well before he woke up.
Apparently, he'd gotten the let sleeping dogs lye treatment. He'd missed breakfast, and everyone was already done, and the table cleared.
Good morning, Greg
Wade handed him a mug off coffee and a croissant.
Sorry, late risers only get le petit déjeuner.
Parlez-vous français?
Only enough to get by when I'm in Quebec or if it's Tuesday. My French is always better on Tuesday.
It is Tuesday...
Si je suis honnête avec moi-même, je fais la plupart des choses par besoin d'attention ou par un cri d'aide désespéré.
I would have never guessed...
This was the kind of strange interaction the Greg eventually came to recognize as normal in the Howlett-Wilson household... he'd definitely understood James a little better. The man had an unusually high tolerance for shenanigans and bullshitery... you'd have to with Wade and Logan as your parents... loving but clearly unstable James had probably spent most of his childhood helping Wade on his bad days and tolerating an ungodly amount of whimsy on his good days.
No wonder they got along.
He spent most of the morning talking to Wade. Learning he was not, in fact, a burn victim as he'd told him the first time they met at one of Wilsons' weddings. But a mutant with a healing factor that was basically supercharging and killing his cancer all at once... a relation that he wondered if that affected James's choice in specialty. Oncology. He posed it to Wade...
Many years ago when James was just a little kitten, I may have told him that there's a chance that if my cancer was cured, I could finally die... I may have trauma dumped on my only son that i was terrified of out living him... I... I just love him so much... Family is important to me, Greg... both my found family and my husband and children.... Althea was 115 when she passed... Buck passed away recently... I haven't gotten over it. And no parent should out live their child... but I fear I will. If James chose a field to cure me so that I didn't have to live without him... he's truly the best son a father could ask for.
All in all, it wasn't a bad morning... until Greg was informed that Wade, James, Ellie, and Laura were going to crown center down the street to do some last minute christmas shopping... he and Logan were specifically not invited as Santa didn't want them peeking...
I know it's a thin premise... but work with me, Greg.
Fine... but your husband scares the bajezus out of me... he literally tackled me yesterday. He's also been staring daggers at me. Sharp murdery daggers.
Oh, don't worry about Logan he's totally tsundere coded, he dosn't bite... unless you ask nicely...
he might stab you, if you let too much of that brilliant personality shine through James whispers in his ear.
I can hear you James don't scare the man.
Sorry papa, love you see you in a bit.
Greg... Don't be yourself.
Thanks for the advice
Greg goes to the livingroom and sits down on the couch... a hockey game is playing on the TV that Logan isn't that invested in...
So... do you want a drink?
Sure, whatever you're having is fine
You'll have a bourbon... you can't handle what I'm having... and he was correct, Logan came back with two glasses and a bottle of Ben Holladay Bottled in Bond Straight Bourbon for Greg and A bottle of everclear for himself.
You need ice?
No, I'm good... thanks.
Logan pours a little over a finger of whiskey in one glass and fills the the other nearly to the brim with the clear concentrated jet fule.
Can you keep a secret? Because Wade dosn't exactly like it when I drink for results.
Eyeing the everclear...results!? if you drink all of that you'll be dead?
I'll be buzzed at best... didn't you read any fucking comics as a kid, didn't James tell you who I am...
Yes, the Wolverine. The bullet proof bad ass... he didn't tell me you were an alcoholic.
Logan glares... says nothing as he sips his glass and sits back down.
He doesn't actually talk about you and Wade that much... not in detail anyway. As for the comics, of course I've read about the Xmen... but I also know it's 90% bullshit propaganda... not that I'm against the cause.
Well, you're not wrong about that bub.
Still, the royalties must be nice, you seem to do well...
Logan lets out a loud laugh and downs his glass of Ever clear... pouring himself another glass, he explains;
I Don't see a fucking dime of that money, My name and Likeness is owned by the X-Corporation... Jean Grey specifically, Until she retires then I imagine it'll belong to Rachel.... no son, this house was paid for in blood, the blood of gangsters specifically if I remember the contract.
Well, you've definitely made a comfortable living from it. This place is huge.
Yeah... Huge... he said in a mournful tone.
It wasn't always like this, you know... I was homeless in more than one sense of the word before Wade and I met. Now I live in this place *he waves his hand in a gesture that could be described as sarcastic*
It's everything Wade wanted... it was different for him... the guy grew up in a shack with a fucking alcoholic mother and an abusive father... he always lived in squalor. So he wanted something big fancy... something nice..... And he deserves it. Ya' know.. deserves to have something nice.
I could do without it, I grew up in a big house and all the putting on airs of the money'd classes... I was happiest when I had less.
mansions... make me uncomfortable for a lot of reasons. This house is about as close to that as I ever want to get.
A cabin in the woods, a cave in the wild tundra... Logan shakes his head and looks wistfully out the window... an overcast wintery day... you know he didn't tell me he bought the place. Maybe he knew I'd say it was too big. Maybe he was right...
When Wade and I first got together, we lived in a one bedroom apartment with Althea, I slept on a couch that hurt my back... Wade and I would cuddle on it and fall asleep watching TV.
I miss it... I miss simpler times. I miss picking up odd jobs and hanging out at hardware stores, hoping to get a construction job for the week...
Wade would freelance, he'd only work when we needed the money for rent ... I wish we could go back to then, I don't regret where I ended up, and Wade is the love of my life... but. I wish we could have done some things differently, took our time... made some decisions together... it's hard. We all make little sacrifices for the ones we love.
I appreciate your cander... and this has ben... fun, well, about as much fun as an STI examination.. but i gotta ask why the confession... we've never interacted that much, and this is the most chatty you've been with me ever
Everything I've told you today was the truth. I'd hoped that you'd return the favor... but i guess not.
What makes you so sure I'm lying.
I can smell whenever you're uncomfortable... or when you're lying and you lie a lot... that's why I wanted to talk to you...
It took me 3 months, a huge fight before I was honest... not only with Wade, but myself... but it also took Vanessa telling me to stop being such a little bitch... so Greg, learn from an old mans mistakes... how much time have you already wasted... how much time do you have left?
I don't really follow what you're trying to tell me here.
I've watched you trip James every chance you get... I did see you trip him in the hall, I heard you too... just so you know...
I've heard you make cruel jokes at his expense, and you've said terrible mean-spirited things to him about his appearance, his personal choices... every time I've had the opportunity to observe you and my son together you've been a class A pure bread dickhead.
*snikt*
Logan brandishing his claws for emphasis lightly taps on the coffee table.
The only reason I haven't stabbed you and tossed you in the river... is because I can literally smell the truth on both of you and its so fucking stupid because of how familiar it is. You two love each other... I can smell the attraction. You're a grown ass man... it's time you put the school yard phase of expressing your feelings about it behind you.
I suggest you be honest with my son. But that choice is yours and this conversation, just between you and me.
Walking towards his office, he left Greg to be alone with his thoughts. But he added a parting shot.
I may not be the greatest detective, but your attitude towards my son is no mystery to me. I know why you're such a grumpy fuck too. But that's a conversation for another day.
Link to next chapter below.
in-between the scenes.
Authors note: after the last chapter and talking about things with @icarusredwings (who deserves credit for worksh
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Authous note: This story is organized into scenes. It's a party with lots of interactions. I'm sorry for cutting the Father Kurt scene. This may be a bonus later, but it's February, and I'm still doing Christmas shit. Shout-out to @nuggetpool-hi for translation work and @icarusredwings for Workshoping these scenes with me.
Our scene actually opens up in the far flung future... Logan and Wade haven't aged a day since July 2024, though. A cabin in the deep woods nestled in a valley between gigantic mountains... Wade is holding a photo album and a baby girl.
Ok Gabby, Grampa is going to tell you a christmas story, but this one is about your Uncle James.... he was a good boy. Well behaved, and I loved him. Just like I love you... he was a doctor, he saved lives... he wasn't like me or your gump-pa.
but your uncle James did have one family tradition he just couldn't escape... Toxic old man yaoi. Yup, he was doomed by the narrative to be nothing like his parents and exactly like his parents... flipping open the album he turns to a page. James and Greg are standing with Ellie and Mary puppens in front of a large christmas tree decorated with ornaments and lights of various shades of Yellow, Black, Blue and Red. On top was a golden inverted star that had the words "Hail Santa" emblazoned on it. The little girl coos as Wade carefully shows her the picture and our story opens up on the Christmas eve of 2065.
Christmas eve was a buisy occasion and Wade and Logan were the consummate hosts. Dozens of bottles of Asti were chilling in buckets of ice and Wade had made enough lasagna to feed an army...
The immediate challenge for James was getting Greg through cocktail hour without him stirring up drama for fun.
Laura had decided to play bar tender that night and busied herself at the end of the kitchen counter setting up liquor and glasses.
Ellie was at the door greeting the guest as they came in. James and House were in the living room by the impressively sized christmas tree, martini's in hand.
Logan and wade walked over to Laura to get themselves a drink as well.
-Scene one- (telenovela navidad)
Logan, Wade, Laura, James, House
Papá.. no me gusta como Greg jode a James
OH mi amor, solo son gays, es su manera de coquetear con él
....Acaso soy la única hetero en esta familia?
Sí.
hasta el perro?
Pos si Mary le da a to, bi seguramente
*Laura mira a la perra*
Mary: *ladra en español*
Puta madre ahora soy yo la minoría
Greg hears Laura having her conversation with her dads... not knowing that he spoke Spanish...
I don't think your sister Luara likes me...
She grew up in a desert wasteland and had to fight to survive she doesn't like a lot of people.
Calling Mexico a desert wasteland sounds a little racist.
I wasn't referring to Mexico... Ass! there's a place called the Void. My dad's found her there... dad used to tell me stories. It's a nightmare world in-between all the worlds... it's where they fell in love.
Of course... they fell in love in a nightmare, hell scape.
It's also why they're not allowed within 50 yards of a Honda dealership... at least that's what Grandma told me years ago.
-Scene 2- (Father knows best)
Wade, James, Greg
Once the party had gotten into full swing, Wade had retired to the bedroom only to shortly return in a tight fitting party dress
A strapless red dress it was brocaded with little silver pine trees. A fox stole was draped around his shoulder... James had told Greg who was taken a little by surprise that the fox was cought by Logan. He'd skinned and treated it and presented it to Wade as an anniversary gift a few years back...
P. e.t.a. is on the long list of people whom have personal beef with Wade and Logan.
Wade walks over to them...
How are you and your boyfriend doing over here kitten?
I'm not gay dad! You were at my wedding's
Wow, all three.
Shut up House!
Fine! Your roommate *he says with exaggerated air quotes* anyways! Yes, I remember your weddings. They were very nice... I also remember writing a check for all three divorce attorneys fees.
For the record, you didn't have to do that.
Kitten, I love you, but your taste in women is equally matched by your taste in attorneys. It's just awful... Thank god we keep Jeff on retainer, and since we're on the record. Your dad and I technically aren't gay either. Ya salty, sally! Shame though, because Greg sure is handsome *winks at Greg* I've always liked a man with permanent 5 o'clock shadow and stubble. Forgive me for assuming that the apple hadn't fallen far from the queer tree.
-Scene 3- (House asks a shark a lot of questions)
Greg, Jeff, James, Sam
In the Howlett-Wilson household, parties were pretty informal affairs. Some people showed up early, and some a little late... Father Wagners "Bamf time" always varies from where he started. Cocktail hour (which is usually a couple hours) was how they made up for that, so everyone was at the dinner table at the same time. So it wasn't unexpected when Jeff and his personal assistant and paralegal Sam walked in half an hour after the party started.
<whispering in a gosspy tone>
James what the fuck just walked in!?
James, seeing the old family friend, nonchalantly answered. That's Jeff and Sam. Jeff is the family attorney. I told you he'd be here.
Yeah but he's a fucking shark! You didn't tell me he'd be a shark!
Lots of attorneys are sharks, James said with a chuckle.
Seeing that Greg was still processing things, he remembered that the little section of New Jersey they lived in didn't see a lot of non-humans nor a lot of mutants...
He specifically is a land shark. Jeff and my dad are old friends. Jeff went to Harvard and is an incredibly talented litigater. He once got both my dads off war crimes charges at The Hague. Though his critics would say he won that case entirely by being distractingly cute.
No, I believe you, Wilson... but how is he breathing? I see gills over his little suit jacket.
You could ask him. He's very friendly.
James grabbed House by the hand and introduced the two of them to House.
Hello James. It's good to see you. It's a pleasure to meet your friend Greg. I hope you've been staying out of trouble.... though if not, I've been brushing up on medical malpractice law *chuckles*
The shark spoke through electronic assistance. Below the collar of his suit on his neck was a transponder developed by Parker Industries that translated Jeffs grunts chirps and vocalizations into English. A voice came out of his phone via Bluetooth connection that sounded a little A.I. generated but not as stilted and monotone as the late Steven hawking, not perfectly, but emotion and tone could be expressed.
Sam returned with an extra dirty low tide Martini for Jeff who liked the brine of canned tuna... and some of the tuna as a garnish added to his...
James tells me you're quite the talented attorney.
Well, i like to think so... but being a cute littel shark has been a benefit... i disarm people with my cuteness... then I tear them to shreds on the stands.
Where do you get your suits?
As you can imagine, until they make off the rack clothes in shark sizes, i have to have them custom-made... with the company I keep *he looks over at Wade Luara and Logan* i have connections to several custom Taylor's whom are discreet and talented
Cool, cool.... how do you breathe
Honestly... I don't know...
(and neither does the author... couldn't find any lore, and he didn't feel like making any up in case there is some out there... lazy writing if you ask me.)
Was Harvard law hard for you?
The academic part? No... everything else... Kinda. I'm grateful that I have Sam around. It's hard for me to type things and hold a pen.... or drive a car or other activities that bipedal humans can do regularly...
*looking at sam* do you do everything for him?
That'd be a gross exaggeration... Jeff is completely capable of a lot of things. I merely provide reasonable accommodation for the things he can't do... i'm also a paralegal, so i perform the necessary tasks for his firm, such as legal research, fact-finding and checking, interviewing clients, and helping him in court... as well as less glamorous things like paperwork.
So, do you have a girlfriend? Are you a mutant? You always been a shark? How would it work biologically if you had a girlfriend?
*blushing* I... that's a little personal, don't you think?
It is! <whispering> damn it Greg, you can't just ask people how they fuck...
That's not what i said!
That's not the point... I'm sorry jeff please excuse Greg. He's... he's just very curious... excuse us.
Grabbing Greg by the hand, James walks away from the tiny shark attorney and his friend.
That was weird...
Not really, Sam... not in this house. Honestly, that was mild..... i might find him and answer his questions... I just didn't want to talk about it in front of you and James... don't really want to discuss my intimate stuff in front of my godson, ya know.
That's fair... so I got the vibe they're dating...
Oh, absolutely. Not to gossip about a client, but his dad tells me they're roommates... apparently, everyone knows they're together but them. Poor fools.
<chuckles> Scandalous
-Scen 4- Perfect end to a perfect evening.
Logan, Wade, Greg, James, Morph/Kevin
The party went very well and dinner went smoothly, the gayety of the holiday season and the warm conversation was as close to a perfect Norman Rockwell portrait of holiday biss as you were going tobget in this house. No fighting, no shots fired or hands stabbed... James was nervously waiting for the shoe to drop because even Greg had behaved himself engaging in polite dinner conversation...
They made it the whole night through like this... Logan, Wade, Greg and James were getting ready to call it a night... Greg came with 4 champagne glasses.
One last drink for the night, and a toast to our excellent hosts
James absolutely knew something was going on... but didn't put it together until both of his father's had downed their drinks...
Wait dad don't.... shit...
Merely seconds later Logan spoke.
I feel... Drunk, I'm not supposed to feel drunk... not like this *Logan slurred the last sentence*
Well. Logan, I took your advice. I'm being honest with myself... and I'm doing something nice for James...
I've taken the liberty of making a special cocktail for you... your champagne has a heroic dose of Nembutal and Halcion.
You two are exhausting, and if anything James deserves one christmas without the sound of you two perverts going at it like dogs in heat the night before... and the fighting and the constant rambling, seriously Wade do you ever shut up?
Oh Peeeenut... I like him. He's a keeper Kitten. Wade said sleepily before collapsing on the floor.
Bub I....
Logan didn't get the last words out. He fell face forward on to the ground with a loud almost metallic thud cracking one of the granite tiles below him.
Greg! What the fuck!
Merry Christmas!
By the way how heavy is your dad...
About 600 pounds why?
I may have miscalculated his Dose.
He has a metal skeleton...
That's an interesting mutation... I may have killed him.
Wouldn't be the first time someone has killed him, and the metal skeleton is something the Canadian government did to him...
Jesus I thought those people were supposed to be nice.
For fuck sake after a week with my Canadian parents I'd hoped you'd realize thats a myth by now... you should go they're going to wake up shortly. And it's gonna take me and dad both to keep Papa from stabbing you... he really really doesn't react well to being drugged against his will.
No, they won't... when your dad was drinking with me, I observed that half a bottle of everclear had a mild seditve affect after about a minute from ingestion.
He was drunk?
Yes barely...
And it lasted for about 5 minutes before he expressed having a mild hangover for about 12 minutes, then he was sober. I know we don't work with a lot of patients with hyper metabolism or healing factors, but I have observed it. I was able to calculate that his and your other father's metabolism has an increased factor of about 97... 9 grams of Nembutal is enough to kill a normal human... I gave them 100 grams each between that and the Halcion... they will be asleep until morning...
Well, we better move my dad next to Papa, since you sure as shit can't help me lift him in to bed we're just gonna leave them here on the floor...
why do they have to be next to each other?
They're going to be unhappy as it is when they wake up... they freak out when they don't wake up next to each other... it's a thing...
That thing is called being toxicly codependent and you've spent your life catering to that...
Greg my parents love me.
I'm not saying they don't. Trust me, they clearly love you... but they're also a mess, and you've always gotta fix everything and help people... it's what makes you a great doctor... but it also makes you crazy around those two... because they need sooooo much help. so as soon as we put the hit man husbands in their designated dog pile You and I are going to raid that wine fridge for something expensive and watch Rankin and Bass christmas specials and enjoy a quiet christmas evening.
Later that night, the boys had indeed watched cheesy stop motion christmas specials. They had just finished Rudolf, the red noise reindeer when Morph walked out of the Master bedroom in a red dress.
I have been in there dressed as Jessica Rabbit for two hours. What is taking you two.... OH MY GOD! James what the fuck did you do to your dads!
*Pointing at the piled up mercenaries on the floor*
Damn it... yeah. I'm sorry, Uncle Kevin, but they're out cold for the night... sorry for ruining your christmas...
Well shit... It's ok. We still got the weekend, just won't be as special... I guess I got the big bed to myself tonight.... good night boys...
Uncle Kev... before you go. Is that one of my dad's dresses, or did you bring your own?
Kid... red isn't really my color... Now yellow... he says this as he transforms into a picture-perfect copy of Logan. Yellow is more my style... I'm gonna go occupy myself...
Again, sorry. but before you exact your revenge... I want you to know it's 100% Gregorys fault, he drugged them...
Traitor!
Secen 6 On the Jet
The following morning, cooler heads prevailed... they did not, in fact, cut Gregory into thin ribbons. Logan had actually had the best sleep hed had in probably 20 years... they forgave and chalked it up to normal Howlett-Wilson household shenanigans. Wade actually appreciated how clever the sly doctor was. But as they say. All good things come to an end, and Jame and Greg were soon wisked away to the airport to return home to New Jersey.
Wilson... despite drugging him, your dad Wade handed me this before we left... told me not to open it until we were on the plane...
Well, I'm here, so I doubt it's a bomb.
Greg opens the box and understands why it was so suspiciously heavy. He pulled out a gold brick and a note and showed it to Wilson...
Dad has always been weird with gifts... what's the note say...
It says, "Merry Christmas and welcome to the family, I stole this from Saddam hussein in the 90s. It's yours now.... Wilson... I'm pretty sure this is your dowry
Sure...
James... I actually need to talk to you about something.
The end
Taking a break from the Christmas special for some in universe content from @icarusredwings
Oh.... you guys didn't know about James's cousin? @icarusredwings is cooking up an amazing story that takes place in the KCAU... it's canon
