#pelvic dysfunction

Earlier I brought my dresser drawers down to the garage to have dad help me with new holes for the new drawer pulls (that came with too short screws and I could've sworn the seller sent me new ones but I have no fucking clue where they are). I was breathing real heavy halfway through bringing them back upstairs and when I finished, my heart rate had spiked to 180-something. It only took about 5-10 minutes to get back under 100bpm, but I was dizzy and hot and my face was red. I don't like this. But I don't know where to start at this point.

In addition, my ears are hurting periodically and I just realized it's probably because of tension in my head/neck because there's no other symptoms of infection or anything. And, my adductors are still like steel cables and I still haven't taken the time to figure out how to gently stretch those either. Underwear is uncomfortable some days because of how tight they are...

I really need to figure something out. But I'm still scared of doing much without supervision because of the hypermobility and not really knowing the difference between good,/productive pain and bad/destructive pain. And we're going to be moving in a few months and I'm going to be nearly useless. 😥

Despite my almost constant sexual thoughts involving fantasies of penetration, I’d be lying if I said any of these fantasies are remotely possible for me at this time in my life.

And that is thanks to: Vaginismus.

It’s so bad, that I can’t insert a tampon. I can’t insert anything. It feels like a brick wall; and even when my gynecologist actually managed to get something in there, it hurt a fuck ton. So much so, that I actually began sweating and couldn’t help but move my body from the sheer agonizing pain.

It pains me to say that this condition makes me miserable every time I think about it. Or every time I masturbate watching a vagina haver get railed, and think: “Damn. Wouldn’t that be a dream, to get dicked down?”

I don’t know how I’d even be able to confront a dom who’s interested in me, strap on user or not, with giant fantasies of fucking me from penetration.

“As much as I yearn for it, as much as the thought makes me incredibly horny, that literally can’t be accomplished until I go through months of pelvic floor therapy.”

A good dom will settle for pleasuring me in other ways, biggest part being clit stimulation. This I know of. Would hopefully still be turned on and have a good, even great, time themselves and want to keep coming back for more.

I also would open up anyway—already do on my google docs BDSM list for any doms interested in engaging with me, that I have it.

It’s incredibly important to be upfront and honest about everything, of course. Even of any sexual insecurities.

But it still, well… deeply upsets me that I have it in the first place; hence, having to talk about it before any sexual scene/activity.

Just wanted to get this off my chest after reading a few NSFW/NSFT posts and fantasizing, before the reminder that I apparently have shit luck when it comes to my vagina.

To any very sexual person out there with vaginismus: You are heard. Loud and very fucking clear. You are not alone. Far from it. You are not being dramatic nor unreasonable; Vaginismus is like a laugh in the face from the universe.