#pelsae

maybe its because ive barely slept in a week or maybe its because im still kind of upset over what happened at prom (basically i won two awards ~most likely to spill something and most likely to hurt themselves dancing~ and i pretended thy were heavy and then flexed and the dj said i was buff and he wouldnt mess with me and then somebody shouted i was a man of a woman and everybody laughed a lot and im so fucking stupid for being upset im the stupidest person but i am upset because i wanted to look pretty so bad i had my hair done in atwenties stule and tried to pick out a good dress and wanted my make up to look good and yet im still a fucking man of a woman i never wanted to be that in my life i just want to be pretty and feminine but i cant SHRUGS AND LAUGFHS MISERABLY BECASUSE OFC I CAN)

mayeb its because ive been dealing with this shit forever 

everyday my friends say "calm dwon tori" whenever i laugh at anything and i try to not be obxnosiu but i cant fucking stop and i feel so horrible and dumb and i like so many dumb things and eveyrbody thinks theyre dumb and tells me so

and this girl that has the audacity to sometimes call me best friend still (idk why) constantly cals me annoying when shes with other people and tells me to shut up and stopp being loud and i dont even realize im being loud a lot i am jsut so shitty and stupdi and dumb and ridiculiosu i ahte myself oh my gdo whyt cant i stop why why why why fucking hell

(sidenote: shes also the girl who told me nobody but her would ever love me and that eveyrbody hates me and thinks im fill-in-the-blank everytiem i stayed over her house el oh el and she doesnt talk to me anymore except when she says those things or needs something so maybe i really am straight up unloveable lmfoao oh god) 

and dont tell me "its almsot over you wont have to deal with them in the future" 

i am so

sick

of hearing this

i am so sick of hearin g "it will get better!!!1!!!"

i am so fucking tired of it ok.  

why cant i be ok now

why couldnt i have been ok this year whuch is when they said that things would get ok

why do i have to wait even LONGER FOR THINGS TO GET OK

WHY DO I HAVE TO PHSYICALLY REMOVE MYSELF FROM PEOPLE FOR THINGS TO GTE OK

THAT HONESTLY JYST SHOWS ITS NOT THE PEOPLE ITS ME OK I AM  THE PEICE OF SHIT HERE. IT IS MY FAULT.