#pebble rambles

Kel is such a mess offscreen and like.. that never really gets shown and I think only a couple of my friends who I've talked to ooc really know about it!

Like

Kel's always been a "I'm going to make the best of this" kind of guy, right? But it's not like.. it's not good for him! At all! Like at all. Ok? Basically since he was rezzed he's been off trying to help with solar-system-ending level shit. He was a year old when Beyond Light happened which was canonically his first big mission and probably the most traumatic thing to ever happen to him ever. But that's like, that's fine that's whatever.

But it's not fine because like, as much as he's a relatively stable and level-headed person the people around him are not. Zorra and him have a very close sibling-like relationship but she's still getting her wings, and he feels like he needs to protect her from getting hit by all the heavy bullshit that's out there all at once. And oh geez Ambra.. following her around since he was rezzed has not done any favors. Imprinting the "we just have to keep going no time to dwell" mentality on him super strongly. And on top of everything he's still trying to be the optimist, to the point where he feels like he has to because everyone around him is hurting so much, they need something stable to fall back on.

(Now don't get me wrong I completely love these dynamics he has?? I think it's so fun and interesting to see how things pass down through these characters!)

This has had like... a lot of effects on him, down to what abilities he favors. He used to run Void for a long time. I don't think it's a surprise to anyone that coming back from the dead isn't a comfortable experience; and Kel sucked at staying alive (still isn't the best at it). That plus "we just have to keep going" mentality... in his early days he was basically drawing his strength from his own repeated dying over and over again, dwelling in that discomfort and it really was. Not good, mentally. He habitually neglects the things that make him feel like a person, though less so nowadays. It took a lot for him to draw himself out of that (and the help of friends.) He still struggles with it sometimes.

Switching to stasis made things a little easier. Instead of relying on that discomfort he was relying on his own will, and in turn it made it easier not only to manage himself but to stay alive in general. He still struggles sometimes, still has to learn, but overall it's been a bit better. Stasis is about control and part of that for him is keeping himself well.

AND NOW WE HAVE STRAND which is so so extremely opposed to how he's been handling himself thus far. Strand is about letting go, going with the flow and that sort of thing, which you'd think wouldn't be that big of an issue if you take him at surface level. He's chill, goes with the punches and keeps the team at ease when things are tough, right? EXCEPT when you factor in the traits he has under the surface. His whole life as a Guardian has been about either restriction or micro-managing himself. Suddenly needing to let go has proved to be more of a challenge than he anticipated, because it strikes so harshly against a lot of what he's built up in order to be able to take care of himself and those around him.