Remembering Decembers
Synopsis: “You have to remember that night. Remember it.”
Word Count: 3.4k
Warnings: mentioned of death
Genre: angst
Moonlight streamed through your snowflake frosted windows casting an angelic glow upon your sleeping face. It was mid December and snow was falling outside creating a blanket of white onto Seoul. This time of year was your favorite time because you got to have snowball fights, build snowman, create snow houses, and so many more things with your boyfriend, Chanyeol. One of the main reasons you loved this season was mostly because of him because it’s when you met him and when he turned your whole life upside down for all the best reasons. Maybe right now if you wished hard enough while you slept you could have a winter dream of you both but life was never that nice. You were woken up by the sound of things falling in your kitchen. You sat right up and got up quickly going to the source of the noise to figure out what woke you from your sleep. Turning the light on you discovered Chanyeol trying to make something, what he was trying to make though, was a complete mystery to you.
“Yeollie what are you doing? It’s 3 in the morning.”
He looked at you sheepishly and gave you tired smile, “I woke up earlier and can’t fall back asleep. I was going to make some warm milk to help me go to sleep.”
You looked at the pan in his hands and laughed softly, “In the stir fry pan? Move over I’ll make it for you.” You walked over and bumped him out of the way so that you could clean up the mess of pans he made and make him what he wanted so that you could both go back to sleep. After you put all the pans away and grabbed the small pot that you usually used for making warm milk, which wasn’t often, you felt a pair of eyes staring at you. Turning around you saw a very smiley Chan.
“What?” “Nothing. I just miss you is all.” You looked at him questionably.
“What do you mean Yeol? I’m right here.” Reaching your hand out towards his figure it went right through his face and the image of the beautiful figure disappeared and you were left with the cold and empty kitchen with the milk boiling over.
“Chanyeol..”
You awoke the next morning to someone shaking you awake and also to an indescribable pain in your back. You looked up to the figure that woke you up and smiled.
“Oh Yeollie I had the worst dream last night. You and I were in the kitchen and you said something about missing me and when I went out to touch your ch-”
“Shh, jagi it’s okay. I’m here now. Nothing is wrong.” He reached out and touched your cheek and you could feel his warmth and you relaxes instantly. “I love you Chanyeol.”
“I love you too my angel, now go take a shower and get ready for today. I have plans for us.” He held his hands out for you and you took them and got up going to the bathroom to shower. Once you got out you dressed in your warmest clothes after checking the weather on your phone. It was one of the coldest days yet in Seoul and you were completely okay with that because it just meant you could be closer to Chanyeol when you were walking together. You walked out to see he was already waiting for you by the door holding something behind his back.
“What do you have behind your back there Yeol?
“Just some winter flowers for my beautiful girl.” He handed you the baby pink flowers and you smiled as you took them and smelled them. They smelled of snow and lavender, your two favorite things despite Chanyeol always saying that snow has no smell you always begged to differ on that.
“I love them. Thank you.” You went into the kitchen and put them into a vase and set them on your kitchen table and admired them for a second before going back to Chan.
“You ready? We have a big day ahead.” He opened the door for you and you both walked out.
“Yes and I’m very excited.” You said as you walked down the hallway to the flight of stairs and made you way down. He smiled and shook his head as he walked, “You always are jagi.” You stopped at the bottom of the stairs and looked out at the still snow covered streets and sidewalks and felt your smile radiate even more. You looked back to your boyfriend and had a little pout going on, “Well you always make this month so much fun. Can you blame me?” He threw his arms around your waist which was a little difficult to this day because of the big height difference. “No I guess not. Being with me is pretty great.” You both laughed at his joking and we’re on your way to start your jam-packed day.
It all started with your annual hot chocolate date in your favorite café down the road. You always got the same thing too, hot chocolate (obviously) and a buttery croissant. Despite how weird Chan thought your combination was he thought it was cute how you always got the same thing. He himself got peppermint hot chocolate and a chocolate croissant. You could never understand how he got those things so annually and never got sick from it, he just said he loves everything sweet and that’s why he loves you. After your date you went to a park close by and built snowmen together and even had a snowball fight which a few kids decided to join later on. When you both got too cold to be outside any longer you took a cab to the mall and walked around there just window shopping and had some lunch as well. When you began to get tired you went back to your place and decided that watching Christmas movies would be better than going to the theatres this time. You grabbed the blankets and made some popcorn and got comfy with Chan on the couch.
“What did you pick this time?”
He looked at you as you leaned into his side and played the movie smiling, “Our favorite.” You smiled and shook your head some as the movie began, “I don’t know if we’ll ever get sick of this movie. Especially you.” You nudged his side playfully and he scoffed as he put his hand on the spot you hit as if it hurt. “I’m offended. You act as if I’m the only one here that laughs when the guys get hit with paint cans.” You couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up inside and just shrugged. “Shut up and watch the movie.” As the movie played you eventually fell asleep and everything was quiet once again in your apartment. The next day you woke up to a mess of popcorn and a pile of pillows stacked up on top of each other and the menu screen of Home Alone. You groaned tiredly and annoyed that Chan would just leave such a mess after he left and that he didn’t stay over like he usually would. You started to clean up and grabbed your phone calling him.
1 ring
2 rings
3 rings
4 rings
I’m sorry the number of the person you are trying to reach is no longer in service. Please check the number and try again.
No longer in service? What the hell was going on? You tried again and the same thing happened. To say you were getting annoyed would be an understatement. You started to think of why this would be and just assumed it was because some fans got ahold of his number again somehow. You began to calm yourself down, but as you began to relax you looked at the time and felt the panic rise again. You had to get to work in 10 minutes or you were going to be late, again. You hurriedly got ready for work and took off running to work which thankfully wasn’t as far away as your last job. You rushed into the office building just in time to sit at your desk and look as though you had been there for a while. You greeted your boss as he walked in and he looked genuinely seemed surprised to see you there before him. Lately you had been late because when Chanyeol came over he would always want you to stay in bed with him all day. No matter how much you protested he always managed to keep you there longer than you wished, but how could you sent his cute smile and begging? You looked at the clock and sighed
“8 hours to go.”
As you finished your day out you became worried when you didn’t receive any calls or texts from Chanyeol or even a lunch visit. Did he get sick from yesterday? You started walking out of the building and ran into Chanyeol. You smiled up at him and sighed relieved to see him.
“I got worried when you wouldn’t pick up. Are you feeling alright?” You tried to reach your hand up and touch his forehead but a voice stopped you.
“(Y/n)!” You turned around to see not only Jongdae but Junmyeon looking at you with sadness and worry in their eyes.
“Hey guys what are you doing here? Did Channie escape from your guys’ practice or something?” You laughed as you joke but they didn’t. They just stood there looking at you. “What is it?”
Jongdae stepped forward and just grabbed your hand walking you back to the car they arrived in. “We need to talk (y/n).” You looked at them confused and ripped your hand away from him. “No not without Chanyeol.” You turned around and pulled your phone out of your pocket and frantically dialed his number and looked around to find him. The same message you got earlier was playing in your ear and you didn’t see him standing where he just was. You tried to call again but Junmyeon took your phone and Jongdae grabbed you from behind and dragged you to the car. You were kicking and screaming the whole way there but the looks you were all getting made you protest to what they were doing quietly. He sat you in the seat next to him and Junmyeon began driving back to the dorms. Not a single word was uttered the entire way and oh started getting worried.
When you arrived at the dorms you all went inside and they say you in the couch while Junmyeon sat across from you in the chair, Jongdae sat right next to you.
“Okay guys what’s going on? Where’s Chanyeol?” Neither of them knew what to say for a second until Junmyeon cleared his throat, “(Y/n) Chanyeol died.” You felt your heart drop and you sat there staring at the ground. “What? No! You’re lying. I just saw him before you two yelled at me! This isn’t funny if you’re trying to pull a prank.” Jongdae reached over to grab your hand but you tore it away. “(Y/n)..he died a year ago in an accident. He was going to your apartment to give you your Christmas present and a car hit him. He didn’t have time to move out of the way because the guy lost control of his car on the ice. You were hysterical when you found out. You didn’t want to believe he was gone so you made up your mind that he wasn’t and you’ve made up this image of him. Ever day in December you relive those last few days with him. You need to stop before it gets any worse.” Before he could say anything else you stood up and walked away from them both. You were shaking your head like a person who’s gone mad and mumbling things to yourself and just then right next to your side was Chanyeol.
“Chanyeol..oh my god. Thank God you’re here. Tell them to stop the joke. Please tell them to stop.” As you reached out to hold him your arms went straight through him. You just stared at the transparent figure in front of you. “Channie?”
“You have to let me go jagi. You have to remember that night. Remember it (y/n).”
As he finished speaking you looked into the eyes you always loved and began to remember everything that happened. That night you told him that you were going to a friend’s house for a bit and that you wouldn’t be home until it was late. When you got home it probably was going onto 3 in the morning and you told him that if he was still up for it he could come by and stay the night. On his way to your place he was crossing a fairly big intersection and began to cross. As he got close to the sidewalk he was hit by an oncoming car that lost control and he was killed on impact. You tore yourself from the memory and the image of Chanyeol in front of you went to the last time you saw him. He was bloody and scratched up you felt your legs give way and you fell to the ground holding yourself in your arms.
“This has to end now (y/n). We’re all worried about you. You’ve been imagining for a year that he is still here and we’ve let you because it hurt us seeing you so depressed. Please let us help you..”
Jongdae walked over to you and knelt beside and the image of Chanyeol faded but the view of Jongdae’s worried face replaced it. As you nodded you felt Jongdae’s arms wrap around you and that’s when you let it all out. The pain you’ve been suppressing for a year. You thought back to the times you imagined him with you. When you went to the café and ordered his drink and food, when you built two snowmen yourself, had a snowball fight with nothing, when you watched the movie and stacked pillows there to substitute for Chanyeol, and that night when you made warm milk. He was never there. It was only you. It had been only you for so long.
“What am I going to do?” You looked to Junmyeon and then up to Jongdae. They both sighed and Junmyeon walked over to you and held your face in his hands. “You’re going to get help sweetheart. But we’re all going to help you alright? We’re not going anywhere.”
After you had the talk with Junmyeon and Jongdae you admitted yourself to a mental hospital for as long as you needed which was a whole year. Everyday you talked to a psychologist daily. He decided to release you into Jongdae’s care because he had gotten his own apartment and the guys thought that would be better than staying with any of them. So when the doctor said you could leave Jongdae was there to pick you up and take you to your new home for the time being. You were still upset that you weren’t allowed to go back to your own apartment, but Dr. Lo decided that there were too many memories that could put you back into that unhealthy state of mind again. As you were on your way to where you’ll be staying for a while you looked over to Jongdae, “I never thought you would be blonde Dae. It looks nice on you.” He smiled at you and messed with his hair a bit and looked in the mirror. “You think?” You smiled and reached over to mess with it, “Yeah and now I can call you Blondae.” You both laughed for a while and just talked about everything that the guys were doing and how you learning to cope and move on. He said how much he was proud of you for doing that and that he would be a great roommate. You rolled your eyes a bit, “Yeah right Dae. I’ll probably end up cooking all the time.” He scoffed and shook his head. “No, because jokes on you I haven’t bought food yet. So we’ll be ordering out for the night and I’ll go to the store tomorrow.” You laughed at his laziness and just sat back enjoying this time. After you got to his place and unpacked all of your things, which wasn’t much, you both sat on the couch and just talked even more. After what was hours of talking you both got hungry and decided to go out to eat despite his protesting to leaving the house you convinced him after a few whines. You just went to a place close by and got whatever sounded good which wasn’t much because your appetite wasn’t fully there yet. “Hey Dae..” He looked up from his noodles and raised his brows and bummed in response.
“Why did you come see me so many times? The other guys came probably once in awhile, but you were there almost everyday. Why?” He sighed and looked at you finishing the food in his mouth. “To be completely honest I was really worried about you in there. You just up and admitted yourself without talking to anyone about it. I just wanted to see you. I missed you a lot..” He reached over and held your hand while rubbing your knuckles slowly. The touch felt foreign to you but also so comfortable with him. You held his hand and smiled at him. “I missed you too Dae.”
When you both finished your food you walked home, but he took a different way then when you came. You looked around confused about where he was taking you. “Where are we?” He just grabbed your hand and kept walking, “Just trust me.” After a while of walking you came to an intersection and you looked at the flowers and candles across the street. You knew where you were and he walked you over to it. “The doctor said that bringing you here would help you get closure.” You just stared and knelt down to the shrine of your lovely Chanyeollie and smiled as you wiped the dirt that was slowly accumulating on the frame. “Thank you. I needed this.” You put the picture back and kissed the tip of your fingers before pressing it to the picture lightly. “Let’s go home.” You stood up and grabbed his hand slowly and he smiled taking you back home. “I think you’re going to do great from now on.” You looked to Dae and smiled as you laid your head on his shoulder. You thought back to where you had been only a year ago and smiled. “With your help, definitely.” Within a few months you were already better than the doctor thought you would be and it was mostly because of one person. Jongdae. He was so supportive and caring of your needs. He started to surprise you in so many ways. He would always made breakfast and you would always have your favorite cookies for dessert at dinner. But what surprised you most of all is when he asked you to be his girlfriend. You were honestly taken so aback by it that you just stood there for a couple of minutes not answering him. When he finally got you out of your little trance and asked you again you said yes. You had been dating for almost 5 months now and it was coming onto Christmas time again and he began to get more clingy. It didn’t bother you but you had to ask him to back off multiple times to have some space. He complied and apologized every time it happened. As it got closer to Christmas you and Jongdae made your own Christmas traditions and they were a lot of fun. At the end of the month you were cuddling on the couch and watching movies and he rubbed your arm, “Was this a good season?” You smiled and nodded, “Yeah it was. Thank you for letting me keep some old traditions that Chan and I had and also helping me remember all the good times I had. But this December is one of the ones I’ll hold closely. Thank you Jongdae.”
