#paulena

The poll was really split! I was surprised! Expect a Ruby & Fukase cover soon everyone! The Vsqx will be released, so you guys can make your own covers! ♡ -I voted for the underdog-

Insomnia is the monster of all pent up emotions. Insomnia not only defeats any signs of sleepiness, but it also brings out my worst thoughts. Usually any normal person would take this dark time out to think about their last heartbreak from their ex, but not me. My only, and I’d like to think my last, heart stomping, ripping, crushing moment was hearing my grandpa for the last time, it was inaudible because he couldn’t speak, his body was shutting down. He was thousands of miles away, hours ahead, and a jet couldn’t even get me to him fast enough. Maybe if he was here in America instead of a developing country, we would’ve knew what was wrong, and stopped it before it stopped him.

We expect to walk out on a sunny day without a sudden rain shower ruining our suede sneakers. We expect to smile at our grandfather as we walk down the aisle. We expect to have a “regular" day of registering for classes without getting the news that our friend has died. They say hope for the best, prepare for the worst, but nobody wants to prepare for unfortunate events such as these.Expectations versus reality… Expectations are our reality. We don’t want to expect the worst, but we’re equipped to weather the storm.

It's always so much easier to share secrets and personal thoughts/feelings to strangers who do not know you, have no past knowledge of you, and no prejudgements made about you. Their judgements, because they will sure make them, will not have the slightest affect on you. What they think doesn't matter because they're just a temporary outlet of relief for feelings, fears, and shameful desires that you have bottled up, too embarrassed to tell your friends/family and sometimes, too hard to admit to yourself. It's funny though.. I've made the greatest friends on the presumption that they would forget about me and I would forget about them; they were the strangers, my temporary outlet. I told them things that I haven't even told family, I cried to them even though I hate showing my vulnerability... But they never once threw it in my face. However even with the proof that not everyone will use my trust against me, in the back of my mind, the one thing always holding me back, is the fear of giving someone all of me, and in return, being deceived… because once you show someone who you really are, sharing that part of yourself that you've always been protective of, you're basically risking it all. You're at war weaponless, or taking the SATs without a #2 pencil. But you have to take risks, find the biggest boulder, or steal someone's pencil because if you don't, well.. you'll just be shit out of luck... driving yourself mad... and alone on top of that.

I wouldn’t be able to tell you if I’m religious or not. I have my own views on religion, and I translate them differently from others. I wouldn’t call myself a religious person, but I know what’s right from wrong. I wouldn’t call myself a saint, or anywhere close to being holy without laughing. I curse, I indulge in vices, and I live my life the way I want to live it. At the end of the day, we all have the same destination… no destination at all, which brings me to the conversation I just had with my brother who said, “I’m going to hell anyway.” I think this place was only created to cast fear upon us, and a sort of self punishment. These are the reasons why I don’t believe in a “hell.” But I do believe in heaven, and I believe in reincarnation, and I believe in an after life. These words may be a euphemism for death, but so be it. Nobody can be the bearer of bad news that these things are false. We do not know what’s at the end of the tunnel… that light at the end of it may be the light peeking in from a woman’s vagina. Who knows. I’ll live my life with the knowledge that I’ve acquired on the many religions that have influenced my beliefs, but I won’t truly believe in anything but myself, love, positivity, and life. At the end of the day, I’m the one doing the living.

- Cuff Daddy To Be