#patrickhuy

I went back to the beginning, to the moment I first walked up to you, to the moment you first messaged me, to the moment you first got to try almond butter in my kitchen the morning after all we did together was sleep; our love grew slow, and I can tell you that when I retrace these steps we took together, alone, I can feel every moment of happiness, every bit of excitement, every tingle of young love once again, and it makes me so happy despite the constricting feeling in my throat. Every single day, I ask Nugget, "do you miss Melissa?" And though I know he'll never be able to reply, I know he agrees when I say, "I miss her, too." Everyone tells me I owe it to you to not reply, to let you go, to just wait and see years down the line, so I walk my late twenties alone. I'll walk my late twenties alone.  (...Bye for now.)

I have no idea why I'm hung up on you. Maybe it's all of our memories I still refuse to delete off of my phone. Maybe it's your handwritten letter I keep in the space between my seat and the handbrake of my rain-stained car. I still have the guidebook for Sequoia, and sometimes I feel like we left our love among the beauty of those valleys. I'm so afraid, because loving you is beginning to become but a dream. Gradually, the magical years of our conflict-free affair will feel like a passed vacation--one long vacation we once took from the dreariness of the world. I hope we look back on it fondly. One day, when the Hawaii scar fades from your arm, there will be little left to remind you of those early days when the boy in me met the girl in you. I still can't believe how well we challenged convention and chose to live a better way. You were always down for my wild ride, and I promised you adventure after adventure. The day you stopped showering me with your love was the day I drowned myself in liquor. Everyday looks exactly the same, and that makes it so hard to stitch together where we went wrong. They say people in pain gravitate toward ruin-- and you fought hard to bring me back-- but quicksand doesn't take too well to struggle. Sometimes, it feels just like yesterday! Other days...’feels like forever; that part of me wants to show up at your doorstep and tell you: "sorry I took so long. There's a new ice cream place I want to take you to. Yes, I still can't breathe after having dairy, no--don't worry--breathing was hardest when I didn't have you."