Nine Months (1995)
Nine Months is so bad it'll have you gunning for a vasectomy. It’s a nightmare disguised as a romantic comedy. I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt, but I had an ominous feeling as soon as I saw Tom Arnold's name in the opening credits. Even that funny thing my knee does couldn't prepare me for what was ahead.
Samuel (Hugh Grant) is happy as can be. He’s living with his beautiful girlfriend Rebecca (Julianne Moore) and he didn’t even have to put a ring on her finger or anything. Life is awesome until she tells him she’s pregnant.
This film is a smoldering crater. It's irritating and predictable. The characters will fill you with such rage that'll make you reach inside your TV, wrap your fingers around their necks and squeeze until they fall dead. It should be enough to say that it’s a comedy without laughs. Unfortunately, I’m not sure you'll be convinced without evidence, so here we go.
The movie begins on the wrong note by introducing us to the main characters in the film and in doing so, convincing us that children are the worst thing ever. Just take a look at the first few minutes of this movie. Sam is living in a nice apartment, he drives a fast car, he’s got a smokin’ hot redhead of a girlfriend and a great career. He's happy at no one's expense. Suddenly, his romantic afternoon with Rebecca is ruined by the Dwyer family: Marty (Arnold) and his wife Gail (Joan Cusack) Dwyer. They're the worst parents in the world, the kind of people that will make you hate children. Their spawn are rude, loud, obnoxious, have no manners or concept of personal space and have a knack for showing up whenever they're not wanted. It goes too far because the parents are even worse.
A significant portion of the film follows Sam as he grows increasingly nervous. Will the couple still have the same life as before? Will they remain interesting people with dreams and ambitions of their own, or will they change into an annoying couple who can only talk about their children? You know the ones; the parents who believe their children can do no wrong; that everyone wants to hear about Timmy’s latest mediocre achievement and that pity anyone without spare sets of kidneys running around the house. Those people are called the Dwyers and you hate them.
What’s even more infuriating is that all these reveals about the nightmare children can be are cheated away. For no reason whatsoever, the people at the beginning of the movie and at the end are completely different. Not because of character development or experience, but because the plot is badly written and demands they change.
My rage only exists because I made it through the whole ordeal. While watching Nine Months I felt powerless and weak. I witnessed Sam acting like a buffoon, coming up with elaborate, idiotic lies for no reason and wondered how he became a child psychiatrist. I saw Tom Arnold walking around, being obnoxious, yelling at people, beating up whomever he pleased for no real reason and I thought to myself “how did the human race make it this far down?" I couldn’t even crack a smile at Robin William’s character, which I thought was needlessly crude and once again, not funny. Even my man Jeff Goldblum couldn’t raise my spirits.
Only once the credits had finished could I express my hatred for this film. It’s not even that it’s that bad, or offensive, it’s that there was no reason for this movie to be made. (On DVD, January 22, 2015)
