#tomarnold

🎞️True Lies (1994)

Nine Months is so bad it'll have you gunning for a vasectomy. It’s a nightmare disguised as a romantic comedy. I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt, but I had an ominous feeling as soon as I saw Tom Arnold's name in the opening credits. Even that funny thing my knee does couldn't prepare me for what was ahead.

Samuel (Hugh Grant) is happy as can be. He’s living with his beautiful girlfriend Rebecca (Julianne Moore) and he didn’t even have to put a ring on her finger or anything. Life is awesome until she tells him she’s pregnant.

This film is a smoldering crater. It's irritating and predictable. The characters will fill you with such rage that'll make you reach inside your TV, wrap your fingers around their necks and squeeze until they fall dead. It should be enough to say that it’s a comedy without laughs. Unfortunately, I’m not sure you'll be convinced without evidence, so here we go.

The movie begins on the wrong note by introducing us to the main characters in the film and in doing so, convincing us that children are the worst thing ever. Just take a look at the first few minutes of this movie. Sam is living in a nice apartment, he drives a fast car, he’s got a smokin’ hot redhead of a girlfriend and a great career. He's happy at no one's expense. Suddenly, his romantic afternoon with Rebecca is ruined by the Dwyer family: Marty (Arnold) and his wife Gail (Joan Cusack) Dwyer. They're the worst parents in the world, the kind of people that will make you hate children. Their spawn are rude, loud, obnoxious, have no manners or concept of personal space and have a knack for showing up whenever they're not wanted. It goes too far because the parents are even worse.

A significant portion of the film follows Sam as he grows increasingly nervous. Will the couple still have the same life as before? Will they remain interesting people with dreams and ambitions of their own, or will they change into an annoying couple who can only talk about their children? You know the ones; the parents who believe their children can do no wrong; that everyone wants to hear about Timmy’s latest mediocre achievement and that pity anyone without spare sets of kidneys running around the house. Those people are called the Dwyers and you hate them.

What’s even more infuriating is that all these reveals about the nightmare children can be are cheated away. For no reason whatsoever, the people at the beginning of the movie and at the end are completely different. Not because of character development or experience, but because the plot is badly written and demands they change.

My rage only exists because I made it through the whole ordeal. While watching Nine Months I felt powerless and weak. I witnessed Sam acting like a buffoon, coming up with elaborate, idiotic lies for no reason and wondered how he became a child psychiatrist. I saw Tom Arnold walking around, being obnoxious, yelling at people, beating up whomever he pleased for no real reason and I thought to myself “how did the human race make it this far down?" I couldn’t even crack a smile at Robin William’s character, which I thought was needlessly crude and once again, not funny. Even my man Jeff Goldblum couldn’t raise my spirits.

Only once the credits had finished could I express my hatred for this film. It’s not even that it’s that bad, or offensive, it’s that there was no reason for this movie to be made. (On DVD, January 22, 2015)

Wow, is Tom Arnold, writer, producer, comedian, star on screens big and small, and an old friend of my beau’s, inspiring! And fun! The latter, no surprise. The former, almost shocking. His talent has always been brilliantly apparent, but this was not the fast-talking, almost scarily manic man I saw interview Shep Gordon ten years ago. A far cry from it. Today’s Tom still has a lot to say but this Tom is humble, thoughtful, wise, generous with his experience, strength, hope, heart, and time, and very clearly sober. To say he’s impressive is grossly understated. I’m in awe of his transformation and his strength of character. Tom’s devotion to his children is so sweetly sincere, it’s obvious they’re the loves and focus of his life. At 64, which he unabashedly shares, it’s so lovely to behold his joy describing what many parents might perceive as mundane tasks. Tom appears to take none of it for granted. (Dig his orange Daddy nails!) We spoke of his own troubled childhood, his alcoholic, disappearing mother, sans rules, his young father left to care for three small children when he was but a child himself, the abuse Tom suffered, and the justice he later sought and achieved as much as that was possible, the impact of Andy Kaufman on young Tom, his starting to do standup, Roseanne, writing, his marriage (s) - there have been four, and the mess of his current divorce - turning that lemon into lemonade with his thoughtful Divorce Party Podcast, his addictions, getting sober, going out and doing it again, a couple of times, most recently, off Benzos, Tom says very much as horrendous as portrayed in Dope Sick. It feels to this recovering addict like this time it’s for keeps. Tom Arnold is a model of recovery. He goes to meetings, is of service, both inside and out of the rooms, lives an honest, thoughtful, generous life, and is doing some of the best work of his career.  He spoke of some major health scares, Arnold Schwarzenegger, losing 80 pounds and how he did and is keeping it off. In reverence to the strike, we spoke of only one of his upcoming projects - Underdeveloped - which received a waiver perhaps as it shines a light on studio greed. It drops Sept 8th on Tubi. 

I’ve long been a fan of Tom Arnold’s work. I’m now a devoted fan of the man. The hour flew. Like all great entertainers, he left me wanting more, more, more! 

Tom Arnold Live on Game Changers With Vicki Abelson

Wed, August 23rd, 5 pm PT, 8 pm ET

StreamedLive on The Facebook

Replay here:

Today, Live! Are you kidding me, or what? Tom Arnold, writer, producer, comedian, star on screens big and small, and an old friend of my beau's, doncha know... What crazy fun is this gonna be? Psyched!

Tom Arnold Live on Game Changers With Vicki Abelson

Wed, August 23rd, 5 pm PT, 8 pm ET

Streaming Live on The Facebook