#1995films

Unfamiliar with Jane Austen’s work? Too busy to read the books, but not enough to be content with the Wikipedia synopsis? Perhaps you're thinking of testing the waters with a film adaptation first? If so, 1995's Sense and Sensibility is a great choice. Even if you’re unfamiliar with the work it’s based on, you'll be under its charms in no time.

Sisters Elinor (Emma Thompson) and Marianne (Kate Winslet) Dashwood lose their home and the comforts of wealth when their father passes away. Forced to move out of their house along with their mother (Gemma Jones) and younger sister Margaret (Emilie François), the two women must now look for financial security through marriage. Courtship is challenging for level-headed Elinor and heart-driven Marianne as they struggle to find a man who will support their family and marry them for love.

This is what you want out of a romantic drama. It succeeds in making these people's dating lives a big deal. Life was very different in the 1800s, particularly for women. You couldn’t get a job or run a household by yourself without getting weird looks even if you were wealthy, so what chance do these women have? Through no fault of their own and because of deliberate scheming against them they suddenly need a man who will take care of them. That sucks, particularly if you're smart like they are. Even if Elinor and Marianne find a man that's available, likable, and rich, there are probably a dozen equally desperate women after him too. This isn’t some high school drama nonsense; it’s survival. You don’t want to see anyone get hurt, even the romantic rivals. You couldn’t pull off a story about relationships with this much urgency in modern times.

With that foundation, you're drawn into Sense and Sensibility completely. Not only because of the high stakes; because the romance is nice and juicy. You don’t know who these women will end up with. It’s not just about who is the most handsome, or the kindest. It’s not even necessarily about the money. These people aren’t machines, they want to be happy and that’s difficult in this world they live in. This could've easily made it alienating but you're never lost. Even 200 or so years back, human emotions weren't so different from the way they are now, and the material is made to be very digestible.

All this is made even more accessible by strong performances and great direction by Ang Lee. My favorite scene is one set in a ballroom, a place that naturally lends itself to drama. There are so many opportunities in there to suddenly bump into someone you wanted to avoid and there’s no way you’ll be able to escape their gaze forever. Inevitably, the music will force you to switch partners. Suddenly, you’re inches away from them. Now what?

My exposure to Jane Austen before Sense and Sensibility was limited. Through osmosis, I’d gotten the gist of it: the peril that accompanies sudden impoverishment, the challenges women faced at the time, the evergreen drama of wanting to be with someone but not knowing if you’ll get your happy ending. I’m embarrassed to say the only adaptation of the writer’s work before this was Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, not exactly a great example. But I’m an open-minded person. The movies I enjoy don’t need superheroes, giant monsters, big special effects, or bone-breaking punches to the face. It helps, but when you've got characters like these, performers on this level, writing of this quality, it doesn't matter who you are. You'll love it. (On DVD, March 27, 2016)

I only saw Free Willy because my big box of random VHS tapes contained Free Willy 2 The Adventure Home. I figured this sequel would suck but decided to give it a chance by viewing the first chapter and then viewing the follow-up the way it was intended. To my surprise, I liked it more than its predecessor.

Set two years after the events of “Free Willy”, Jesse (Jason James Richter) and his adoptive parents (Michael Madsen as Glen Greenwood and Jayne Atkinson as Annie) are preparing to leave on a vacation to see Willy and his whale family. Just in time to turn Jesse’s world upside down comes his half brother Elvis (Francis Capra), coming to live with the Greenwoods due to the sudden passing of their mother.

The relationships are much more interesting in this film than in the last. Jesse is the Greenwood’s son now, so he’s no longer complaining about them wanting to get close. Instead, he's got other issues to deal with. In Free Willy, Jesse was convinced it was only a matter of time before his mom would return for him. Now she’s dead. She never came to see him but clearly, it wasn’t because she didn’t want a family. Now Jesse must deal with this knowledge and his new brother, who isn't thrilled about gaining a sibling when the cost was a parent. Next we have a bit of a romance going on between Jesse and a girl. Mary Kate Schellhardt plays Nadine, Randolph’s niece (Randolph played once again by August Schellenberg). In most children's films, any romantic plot is unnecessary. Here, it works. The actors have chemistry and some good moments together but the film never lets the sparks take over the picture.

All that's nice and all, but you’re wondering where Willy comes in. Thanks to that familiar tune on the harmonica and some nice shots of orcas in the wild, you don’t get the unease of seeing the orca being “freed” while remembering that it's being held captive. You believe the friendship being explored further. Another surprise is Willy’s floppy dorsal fin. Thanks to this obvious physical trait, you’re able to distinguish him instantly among the other whales introduced. I guess I'm applauding the animal casting?

This is not a rehash; it’s a true sequel with tender moments that are well balanced with humor and a dash of wonderment at the beauty of nature for good measure. I would rate it higher if it wasn’t for two flaws. The first is the performances. They're not very good. Jason James Richter has improved a lot, but no one here is particularly great. Even if you forgive the young actors, the deliveries prevent you from being fully immersed in the emotions, and therefore, the story. More serious is the unnecessary villain. There’s probably only about 15 minutes’ worth of the running time dedicated to this sleazy businessman that doesn’t care about anything but money. Take him out and you’ve got a much better film. You wouldn’t even have to change more than a single line or two from the truly exciting sequences of peril right before the final act.

As I popped Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home into my VCR, I thought “There’s no way this movie is going to be good, this is just a cash cow getting ready to be milked dry”. I’m pleased to say I was wrong. I say Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home is better than the first! If you’re nostalgic for the sad orca, I say check out the sequel too. (On VHS, October 27, 2015)

Gordy is a movie you'll love to watch ironically. It’s filled with so many clichés and so poorly written it circles around and becomes completely unpredictable. Alternatively, it might be the worst talking animal movie you've seen.

A young piglet named Gordy is separated from his family when they are taken away “up north, from which pigs never return”. Stolen from the back of a truck by a young singer named Jinnie Sue MacAllister (Kristy Young), Gordy becomes the mascot of the Royce Company when he saves the grandson of its namesake. Eventually making his way up to to the spot of company president (!) Gordy still finds his life empty. Is there a way he might be reunited with his family?

This plot is ludicrous even before you mention Gordy's ability to speak (he's voiced by Justin Garms) or the duo of bumbling Wet Bandit-like villains. They're after Gordy so they can murder him and give the company over to an evil outsider who would never be able to have any part in the company’s decision-making otherwise.

It’s like screenplay writer Leslie Stevens asked story writers Jay Sommers and Dick Chevillat which obligatory kid movie clichés they wanted and they said “ALL OF THEM!” We’ve got the children that can talk to animals, the single mom with the jerk boyfriend who should really be with the nice guy, the cartoon villains who are too dumb to live, the lonely millionaire boy who just needs a friend, the little guy who happens to find himself into a position of power and manages to run the company like a pro anyway. Most investors would have sold their stock the second they heard the new hierarchy was Gordy, then little kid, then his mother. It’s a madhouse at the Royce company!

There’s not really anything that's competently done. The acting is universally sloppy. Even Gordy is obviously just a piglet chewing on peanut butter and then dubbed. The movie looks cheap, the plot is all over the place, the comedy is broad and obvious, there are a bunch of country singer cameos that come out of nowhere... and the music isn’t even that good. You just watch it in disbelief, wondering if someone hasn’t tampered with your drink and popcorn. It uses camera techniques I thought I'd never see used in all earnestness, like shooting through a fish-eye lens to make a character look grotesque.

I know this movie is for kids, that they won't question the animals acting the way they do despite understanding the world around them. I still can't recommend it, even if they will probably have a good time watching. If you want a talking animal movie, you could do better. Even if you narrow your scope and only want a talking pig movie made in 1992, you could do better - just watch Babe.

Any adult stuck watching the film should consider its 90-minute running time a complete loss unless they want something bad to ridicule. It’s almost to the point of not even being a movie, just a string of predictable plot points and obvious characters stapled onto the concept that “Piglets are cute! We can sell a movie about a talking pig and they’ll eat it up!” It even features a rap number about Gordy's awesomeness. "Pig power in the house!" indeed. (On VHS, July 17, 2015)

Nine Months is so bad it'll have you gunning for a vasectomy. It’s a nightmare disguised as a romantic comedy. I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt, but I had an ominous feeling as soon as I saw Tom Arnold's name in the opening credits. Even that funny thing my knee does couldn't prepare me for what was ahead.

Samuel (Hugh Grant) is happy as can be. He’s living with his beautiful girlfriend Rebecca (Julianne Moore) and he didn’t even have to put a ring on her finger or anything. Life is awesome until she tells him she’s pregnant.

This film is a smoldering crater. It's irritating and predictable. The characters will fill you with such rage that'll make you reach inside your TV, wrap your fingers around their necks and squeeze until they fall dead. It should be enough to say that it’s a comedy without laughs. Unfortunately, I’m not sure you'll be convinced without evidence, so here we go.

The movie begins on the wrong note by introducing us to the main characters in the film and in doing so, convincing us that children are the worst thing ever. Just take a look at the first few minutes of this movie. Sam is living in a nice apartment, he drives a fast car, he’s got a smokin’ hot redhead of a girlfriend and a great career. He's happy at no one's expense. Suddenly, his romantic afternoon with Rebecca is ruined by the Dwyer family: Marty (Arnold) and his wife Gail (Joan Cusack) Dwyer. They're the worst parents in the world, the kind of people that will make you hate children. Their spawn are rude, loud, obnoxious, have no manners or concept of personal space and have a knack for showing up whenever they're not wanted. It goes too far because the parents are even worse.

A significant portion of the film follows Sam as he grows increasingly nervous. Will the couple still have the same life as before? Will they remain interesting people with dreams and ambitions of their own, or will they change into an annoying couple who can only talk about their children? You know the ones; the parents who believe their children can do no wrong; that everyone wants to hear about Timmy’s latest mediocre achievement and that pity anyone without spare sets of kidneys running around the house. Those people are called the Dwyers and you hate them.

What’s even more infuriating is that all these reveals about the nightmare children can be are cheated away. For no reason whatsoever, the people at the beginning of the movie and at the end are completely different. Not because of character development or experience, but because the plot is badly written and demands they change.

My rage only exists because I made it through the whole ordeal. While watching Nine Months I felt powerless and weak. I witnessed Sam acting like a buffoon, coming up with elaborate, idiotic lies for no reason and wondered how he became a child psychiatrist. I saw Tom Arnold walking around, being obnoxious, yelling at people, beating up whomever he pleased for no real reason and I thought to myself “how did the human race make it this far down?" I couldn’t even crack a smile at Robin William’s character, which I thought was needlessly crude and once again, not funny. Even my man Jeff Goldblum couldn’t raise my spirits.

Only once the credits had finished could I express my hatred for this film. It’s not even that it’s that bad, or offensive, it’s that there was no reason for this movie to be made. (On DVD, January 22, 2015)