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Everyone loves when they make friends and a lot of us ask ourselves why can we not do it more often?  

Making new friends a lot of time can be an issue someone struggles with internally or even externally. Wouldn’t you like to have the confidence and know how to make friends with any stranger who walks into your path? Well the truth is you can and it really is not hard. In the book, How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, he lays out some simple frameworks to help you make friends out of strangers.   Before we get started looking at these frameworks, I think it is important to address one very simple component. This is something that can take away all the proven success and happiness these frameworks bring. I’ll let Dale tell you this one himself: “The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.” - Dale Carnegie The importance of having genuine interest and appreciation is huge. Handing someone flattery is nothing but an insult because people sense it from a mile away.

 How to Make Friends

1. Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.

Bringing this negative energy towards people you are meeting or people you know really makes them not want to be around you. Obviously there are cases where you are going to do some of these things but the key is to limit it and try to be a positive happy going person! Positive energy is usually reciprocated when making new friends. Do not tell them what they are doing wrong or even whine about your life. The key is to bring something to the table that is of value.   2. Give Honest, Sincere Appreciation. For anyone that steps foot on this planet, we all know that being appreciated is huge. Whether it is at work, playing a sport, or doing a hobby with friends, when someone shows us they appreciate our efforts and the work we have put in it pays huge dividends!   Once again, the key word is HONEST appreciation. No one wants to be felt bad for or feel like you are give them the participation trophy when it comes to this. When you start appreciating people more, you will see a huge shift in their confidence and demeanor around you. It really is rewarding for both sides.  

3. Arouse In The Other Person’s Eager Want.

A lot of times in a non-selfish way people want to talk about their wants and needs which is totally fine! When trying to make friends, it is best to talk in the terms of this person’s want. Have genuine interest in this want because if you ask me about what I want or anyone for the matter they can talk about it for days!   Ask them details about their want and really get them picturing in their mind the desire they have for it. The key is to be genuinely interested in this want and to enjoy their enthusiasm.

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  4. Become Genuinely Interested in Other People.

Everyone has exciting things going on in their life that they are passionate about. For some it may be their job downtown for others it could be Kentucky Basketball. Let these people talk about their experiences and interests to learn more about them as a person. The key to this is really listening to them and sometimes maybe even learning more about different subjects.   For example, I made friends with a truck driver at my Dad’s warehouse. We started talking and he was telling me about a new fireplace he had renovated in his house. For me, I am not the most handy person so I listened to how he did it. He went through how the different types of sealants he used and other steps he had to take in order to get it ready to go. He was a great guy and I know from now on that when I see him in the warehouse he’ll remember for that. This an example of where you make friends in places you would never think!

5. Smile

To be honest this is one I probably struggle with the most sometimes. It is not because I am not happy, sometimes I just have a mean mug on for no reason! A person is ten times more approachable when they are cheesing from cheek to cheek. Also, when you smile it is proven to put you in a more positive mindset and in return you let off positive energy. This quote says it all:   This is one of the easiest ways to begin an approach to make friends. Be confident in yourself and have a huge smile on your face just because!

6. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the most important sound in any language.

Always Always Always remember people’s names. Do not say you are bad at it because that means you are choosing to be bad at it. In Unlimited Memory by Grandmaster Kevin Horsley, he speaks about how a lot of things you say you are not good at will become reality. This is because when you tell yourself something so many times you begin to actually believe it, whether it is true or not.   Repeating a person’s name to them at the end of a conversation is huge. Also, the second time you meet this person and call them by name it will light them up! It shows you care and remember.  

7. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

This principle really goes along with a lot of the earlier ones. Being a good listener and referring to what people said early on in conversations is huge. Some people feel bad talking about themselves too much and the encouragement will really help them feel comfortable with you.  Finding the persons passion and showing your interest will create a great response from that individual. A lot of times if you point at that passion it will open them even more. Making new friends is a great thing!!  

8. Talk in the terms of the other person’s interests.

Talk about what the other person is interested in. Really get them going about their dog or some event they have coming up. Enjoy their excitement and ask them questions about it. Give them positive genuine feedback that builds confidence for them in that area.   Sometimes people are in conversation and one side will bring up something like an upcoming event. Some will disregard what the person said and make it like it's not important or does not matter.

9. Make the other person feel important - and do so sincerely.

Everyone wants to feel important and be recognized for what they do. If you scored a nice goal and the fans did not react you would doubt yourself a little bit. If you landed a huge sale at work and no one said anything you would feel like it did not matter. People want to be recognized and feel important.   Note: Back to being genuine, do not reward them because they finish a simple task or something that they do everyday. People will know when you are using flattery versus being genuine.  

10. The only way to get the best out of an argument is to avoid it.

This is probably the hardest of the ten! In my practice of these principles I have been involved in some arguments where it is so hard to runaway from it. It is probably one of the most important of the principles as well. Arguments are never good because people gain resentment when they are proven wrong. In the modern day from political arguments to whose better Messi or Ronaldo, there is a never a good result in the end.   Try to stay away from the lose-lose situations. Another option is validating the person’s point then using the word and instead of but. Instead of taking a knife and cutting their argument, you introduce a new side to the argument that could potentially be involved.  

Putting it to Practice