#parentdeath

My dog died November.

My dad died December.

Putting my mom in hospice 10 hours ago…

I've been missing my mom a lot lately.

There is so much that I needed to ask her, and now I'll never be able to. I'll never hear more words of encouragement. She'll never call on my birthday singing.

Mom, I'm so sorry that I distanced myself. If I could take it back, I would.

I’m about to share a story in hopes to help my readers understand that they are not alone in the loss of a parent. Here it goes.

My parent loss story starts four months before I was born. My father was diagnosed with stage four cancer. The doctors believed that he would not make it to my birth. But hooray! hooray! he did! It was honestly a miracle. He cherished every moment with me. We thought he would be in remission. His cancer got worse to the point where he had to be hospitalized. In the center of the hospital there is this place thats outside. I would go there with my father when I was 2. He would watch me run around and smile. Soon he had his nurse move him back home so he could spend as much time as possible with my mother and I. When I was almost 3 and a half, I woke up next to my godmother and walked into the hall. In my old house, the hall was huge and to one side was the living room straight ahead of you and the kitchen was next to it. When I walked into the hall a memory burned into my mind. I saw my mother sitting next to my fathers bed, his chest still. I will never forget the memory and it scars me. It replays over and over again. I went to school and lived life as normal as possible. Until 6th grade when I got extremely depressed and I started getting triggered by what I call “trigger words” such as “death” “cancer” “dad” I still do get triggered. But I would have a mental breakdown and run into the bathroom crying. Now I have what I call “attacks” where I start shaking a bit, I cant form words correctly, I seem off, and my brain stops thinking about what im doing. Those words trigger me but I roll the attack off my back. Back in October I was at the hospital again for a family member and I had a mental breakdown and started crying. Ironically the area I went to was the center of the hospital. I was on the 3rd floor of the hospital so I looked out the window. Something amazing yet so depressing happened. I looked down and saw almost like a hallucination. I saw my father with the 2 year old version of me. “I” was running around while my father smiled. He looked up and I’ll never forget his face. He looked at me with a smile and waved at me. I broke down then. It was so amazing. When I think about it still I want to cry because like all of us who have lost a parent, I miss him so much. So this is my story. Please feel free to share your story in the notes. We are not alone.

Love,

Hello, I am greivinggirl101. This blog is specifically for pre/teens to share their losses and help other cope. I will not be sharing my name in fear of my peers in school finding this blog. I fear this because at school, I’m treated normally and I would like to stay that way. Every time I tell somebody of my loss I’m slapped in the face with pity. And I do not want that pity. Lets just call me Tyler. A name I wish to be called. Always have wanted that name. So hello, my name is Tyler and this is my blog. My first post will be up soon about my story. 

As always, 

Love,