#para 006

Life for Sam had gone from not having any company outside of his family members randomly for the last two years to having almost a month of busy weekends. He also felt a little like he was back in high school with his feelings for Mercedes resurfacing with a fierceness that he was ill-prepared for, and he was kind of indulging them even when he knew he shouldn’t. He didn’t really understand how she still had such a hold over him, but it was like he couldn’t shake them. He was happy that he’d have his best friend to distract him (and probably encourage his wayward feelings), and he could focus on figuring out what was going on with Blaine and his love life.

He’d picked up Blaine up from the airport and headed back to his place after they grabbed some take-out. He’d had a long day at work, and he wasn’t really up for going out to dinner, but they’d go out the next night. Sam had big plans to get his friend nice and drunk. There was a whiskey tasting booked and going out to a nice dinner to follow. He was hoping to do a little encouraging of his own, and that was nearly a guarantee if the other guy had some liquid courage. Normally, Sam wouldn’t press so hard, but he thought Kurt was good for Blaine and that they could really go the distance if they tried, especially since Kurt was open to at least seeing where it could go and had apparently had feelings for Blaine for a long time.

Despite a long flight, Blaine was almost as wired as he was exhausted. Traveling tended to have that effect on him, so he was 100% on board with take-out and a quiet night in for his first evening in Tennessee. It had been months since he’d properly seen his best friend, anyway, so catching up with Sam was clearly a priority - especially with both of them embroiled in long distance… somethings.

At least Sam and Mercedes were in the same time zone. Finding time to call or Skype with Kurt was challenging with a three-hour time difference. And any Skype calls were charged with an extra tension now, ever since Blaine’s drunken foray into sexting - which had probably been a terrifically bad idea, but he couldn’t bring himself to regret it. Maybe Sam could keep Blaine from doing anything dumb this weekend. Or not, if his prodding about Kurt lately was any indication. Blaine could always counter with Sam’s Instagram adventures with Mercedes, though, so maybe they could keep each other in check.

Or maybe they’d just be terrible influences on each other. That was always an option, too.

“I’m gonna need at least an hour of good solid bro-time before we do anything else,” Blaine announced solemnly as they settled in. “With or without video games, movie marathons also optional, but I need to get caught up on everything Sam Evans, stat.”

With a laugh, Sam took a bite of his food. “There’s like not much to update you on. Work’s great. I love my office. I love my coworkers...well most of them anyway.” He paused, his bluish-green eyes shifting as he tried to recall if anything in particular was worth mentioning, but he came up empty. “Other than that, everything’s the same. What about you? How’s Coop? How’s work? How’s Kurt? Have you made any progress on the moving thing?” He gave Blaine a pointed look with a hint of a grin before he took a bite of his food.

Blaine returned Sam’s look with a nonplussed expression of his own. “I’m researching. Does that count as progress?” he asked wryly. “Coop’s as weird as ever, work is fairly steady for not having a full-time position, and Kurt is… Kurt,” he added with a sigh. “I know for a fact that you’ve been having more visitors than just me, though - so you’ve had a more eventful few months than I have,” Blaine pointed out with a skeptical lift of one expressive eyebrow.

Sam couldn’t help but grin at the mention of Mercedes’ visits, but he tried to hide it quickly. He didn’t need Blaine to know just how good he’d felt about those visits or the ones that were to come. “I guess that counts as progress. I mean...Mercedes said she’d help you figure out the job thing if you wanted the help. So at least you’d have other people there besides Kurt, right?” Sam hadn’t remained close to anyone outside of Blaine and Quinn, whom he’d seen infrequently on visits to Los Angeles when he was visiting the other man. “We’re just friends that hang, just like you’re here to hang. Unless...you’re here for other reasons?” It was a joke he sometimes made with Blaine after he’d admitted one drunken night that he’d had a tiny crush on him once.

Blaine groaned and shot Sam a playful glare. “You caught me. I’m definitely here to see if you hang around shirtless in your bed with ALL  your ‘friends that hang’,” he air-quoted. “Not that I don’t appreciate the offer, but isn’t Mercedes going on tour soon? After the new year?” He shook his head. “I don’t want to pile anything else on her plate, especially if it’s not really feasible in the first place. I’d have to shell out a couple of hundred bucks and actually BE in New York to take these licensing exams anyway, and that’s just the start.”

“Hey, I’m secure enough in my sexuality to cuddle my bro shirtless,” Sam said in a jokingly defensive way, holding up his hands. “Sometimes your bro just needs to cuddle in the arms of a strong man that happens not to be wearing a shirt, and...I’m here for you, sidekick.” He winked, laughing before he reached for his drink. “Well, she is, but that’s not til right after my birthday. How much are the tests?” He could probably help Blaine out, or he knew Cooper would if he needed it.

Blaine couldn’t help but laugh, his eyes crinkling with amusement. “You’re all heart, Sam Evans,” he teased. “Still, I imagine she’s going to have enough to worry about without my career woes making an appearance.” He made a face, focusing on his own food so he wouldn’t fidget. “Somewhere around $250 for the Educating All Students and Music Content Specialty Tests. There’s also the edTPA, though, which I’m still trying to figure out, but it’s $300 for a full assessment. Coop keeps saying he’ll get me on his frequent flyer miles if I need to be in New York for testing, but that’s still a lot to take on,” he sighed.

Sam nodded along as he spoke, sobering a little as he watched several emotions chase across Blaine’s face. Sam had always been pretty good at reading his friend, and he could sense all of the emotional confusion he was feeling. “Okay, but do you want to do all of that? Is it worth all of that?” Sam asked, glancing into Blaine’s eyes. “I’m asking you to tell me what your gut is telling you to do about this because that’s all that matters.”

Blaine toyed with his fork absently. “I don’t know. It’s not like I have a full-time teaching position back in L.A., but that’s a lot of uncertainty to deal with, and a lot of out-of-pocket expense before I can even apply for jobs in New York.” He’d been deliberately ignoring Kurt as a factor, but that wasn’t really possible for long, as well as Sam knew him. “I talk to Kurt and I really, really wish I wasn’t on the other side of the country - but then I think about uprooting my whole life for a guy, even one as great as Kurt, and it just seems… kind of foolish, when we’re not even dating.” He shrugged sheepishly. “My gut is an overly romantic, impulsive mess, you know that.”

“Okay,” Sam said, sitting back so that he could really look at his friend. “You’re right. It’s crazy to uproot your life for some guy...that you don’t know. That you met on Tinder or Grindr. Not some guy you’ve been friends with for years…” He shrugged. He didn’t actually want to push too hard. “So, then don’t try. Then what happens? You’re ready to watch Kurt be with other guys and marry other guys because you were worried that you seemed to be making a crazy decision. But I guess the question is will you regret it if you try and don’t make it work? And will you regret it more if you don’t try at all?”

Blaine dropped his fork and rubbed one hand over his eyes with a grimace. “I don’t know,” he admitted softly. The thought of Kurt with other guys made his stomach twist with jealousy, but that wasn’t very fair of him, not when he wanted Kurt to be happy. “I don’t know how you deal with it, with Mercedes. I mean - if you two couldn’t make things work, I’m not sure how I can hope to,” he added sadly.

Sam set his own food aside and shook his head. “It’s not at all the same thing, and you know it. It sucked knowing she was going to marry Puck, like a lot. I didn’t want to go on that trip, but like at the same time, I just wanted to see if she was happy. Which she was...at first, I guess. Then as like the time went on, it was just good to have my friend back. I didn’t realize I’d missed her so dang much until we were back together and things hadn’t changed. So I was mostly just...grateful that we could be mature go back to being friends. Nothing had been wrong when we broke up. We just wanted different things. Nothing has happened in the last four or five years that’s changed that. So...I can admit, even to myself, that I’m still in love with her. It sucks because I know I’m not ever gonna love another woman as much as I love her because we...just work on so many levels. She’s like one of the only people in the world that just gets me and likes the same things as me. She’s the one woman in the whole world that I can be myself with 100%, but she’s got big dreams. Huge dreams that I could never forgive myself for standing in her way if I ever did that. I love her so much that I don’t want to do that to us. I don’t want us to grow apart or be resentful towards one another. I don’t wanna be left behind while she tours the world. I want a wife I come home to and children. She needs a guy that can work in her world, and I don’t work in that world.” Sam paused, feeling a bit of his heart break again as he thought about it. “I just have to keep reminding myself of that. The distance helps because she’s not here everyday. So, I can keep a bit of myself to myself. You don’t have that same issue. Nothing about your life is incompatible with Kurt’s. You just have to move. That’s it, and the problem is solved. If it doesn’t work out, well then you tried it, and it didn’t work out. I /can’t/ try it because I already know it’s not gonna work out.” He took a deep breath and cleared his throat, looking away as the weight of his words settled over him.

Blaine was silent for a long moment, digesting everything Sam said. He didn’t understand - not really, since he’d have done anything back in high school to have the kind of connection Sam had with Mercedes. He’d pushed too hard with Sebastian, trying to find it, and he was terrified that he wouldn’t find it with Kurt, either. “You and Mercedes are still friends, though, right? You’ll always be friends,” he insisted. “It sucks, and it’s never simple, but you guys have that much, no matter what.” He ducked his head, staring at the table blindly. “What if I screw this up? Not just a little, but so badly I lose Kurt as a friend in the process? And probably Sugar and Finn, too.” He lifted one shoulder helplessly. “I don’t want to regret not trying, you’re right - it’s just a lot to risk on a ‘maybe’.”

“You’re not gonna screw it up, first of all. There’s just no way you could. You’re not a jerk. You treat everyone like they’re the most important person to you, and when you care about someone, woo boy look out. So the only bad thing that could happen is it doesn’t work out. And since you’re not nearly as dramatic as they rest of them, you're definitely never gonna lose anyone else. If we can survive the mess that was senior year and the wedding that never happened, we can survive anything.” Sam gave Blaine a pointed look. “If you’re hoping for some sign of a guarantee, brother, you’re gonna be disappointed because there ain’t none. You either think Kurt’s worth the risk of putting your heart out there, or he’s not. So...which is it?”

Blaine quirked a lopsided grin at Sam. “I think I should probably hug you for thinking I’m not dramatic,” he laughed softly. “We did survive some pretty rough patches, though. As many times as we’ve seen people switch partners and break up and get together, I’m pretty sure a guarantee isn’t even remotely possible.” He sobered quickly. “Kurt deserves everything. He’s worth ten of me, I just wish I had your conviction. Any time you want to lend me a little bit of that confidence that I won’t mess everything up, I’ll gladly take it,” he added with a wry little smile. “I’ll think about it. Really think about it. The logistics alone are a lot to consider, either way, so I can’t do anything about it yet, anyway.”

Sam laughed. It was almost ironic that he had so much faith in something when he knew full well he’d never have himself. The truth of the matter was sometimes you could meet the perfect person, be together, fall in love, and it still wasn’t enough in the end, but he hoped that that meant that someone else would get his share of happiness. “You’ve got it. You just gotta figure out why you keep trying to talk yourself out of it.”

Blaine bit his lip at that. He had a pretty good idea, after the disaster of his relationship with Sebastian. Because it hurt too much when it was over, and because he’d gone to pieces. Because Kurt deserved better, and Blaine wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to give that to him. Because it seemed too good to be true — or at least too good to be real outside of his own head. “I’m pretty sure my therapist would have something to say about that,” he offered instead. “I’m going to have to tell her she’s out of a job, though, if you keep this up, Sam Evans,” he teased.

“I’m no therapist. I think it’s just good ol’ common sense. It’s like you want something to be wrong or something. I think you’re just scared, and there’s nothing wrong with being scared of putting your heart out there. It’s just are you gonna let your fear stop you from doing something that be something really great?” Sam felt like he could ask himself the same questions, but he was really certain there was just no way around getting hurt in the long run on both of their parts when it came to him and Mercedes. And he told himself he could be content with her friendship because at least she was there in his life again. He’d rather have half of her than none of her at all.

“Well, your common sense is better than mine, apparently,” Blaine admitted with a wry chuckle. He studies his hands thoughtfully. “I promised Kurt I’d visit sometime before Christmas. It couldn’t hurt to —look around? See what’s out there, which parts of the city might be affordable, where they might be hiring. If I like the city enough to actually move there.” Considering he’d nearly gone to New York for college, he probably wouldn’t hate it, at least — and it would have Sugar and Santana and Mercedes and Puck, if it came down to it. “As long as I know I could count on you coming to visit me occasionally,” he added with a grin.

Sam’s smile grew wide at Blaine’s concession. “There ya, go! Just check it out. Feel out the vibe. Maybe see if you could room with someone...like Sugar...or Puck...Santana and Mercedes, they’re out there, right? So that way, there’s like no pressure. You and Kurt can be in the same place and totally take it slow. That’s what I would do!” Now, he was thinking about what it would be like to move to New York and live and date Mercedes. That was a dangerous thought, he told himself and pushed those thoughts away.

“Oh, I wouldn’t want to guilt anyone into taking on a roommate if they don’t have to,” Blaine said hastily. “But maybe - if they have suggestions?” Six months ago it might have been Kurt that he thought of first if he needed someone to split the rent - but that would be a bad idea for pretty obvious reasons, now. If he made the move, that would already be a pretty big step - no sense in making it even bigger. “Maybe one of them knows someone who needs to sublet... or something,” he added vaguely. “That can wait, though. I don’t want to say anything to any of them until I decide whether or not this is something I should do.”

Sam nodded. “I get it. You gotta do it in your own time. I don’t think you should rush into because then you’ll feel out of sorts and worried. It’s gotta feel right,” he drawled, his southern accent coming out thick and lazy. “I just want you to be open to taking a risk, but if it don’t feel right, don’t force it.” The last thing he wanted was for this to backfire and Blaine to get hurt.

“I just want to make sure I’m thinking it through, first,” Blaine promised. He made a face as he turned his attention back to his food. “You aren’t the only one trying to convince me to take a chance, though. Cooper’s been pushing for me to look into moving to New York ever since you guys were in LA for the road trip.” He shot Sam an amused look through his eyelashes. “He’s a lot less subtle about it than you are, though,” he added, tongue firmly in cheek.

“I don’t think subtle and Anderson are things that go together. I hate to tell you that, bud.” Sam grinned at his friend and shrugged. “I just want you to remember that there’s only so much thinking a guy can do before he has to shit or get off the pot and do something about it.” It was a mixed metaphor, sure, but he was sure it got his point across. “Just don’t forget to listen to your gut, and you’ll be good. You’ve got solid instincts, but you overthink a whole lot.”

Blaine stuck his tongue out at Sam for that, but laughed anyway - he had a valid point, after all. “I know - I’m not going to think about it forever, I promise, I just - don’t want to rush. I think maybe I’ll give myself until the end of the year to weight all my options, look into logistics, see what would need to be done. And if Kurt starts dating someone else before then - well, that’s just my own fault,” he sighed. “My gut has led me astray before, and Kurt’s too important to me not to give it the proper consideration.”

Sam chuckled when Blaine stuck his tongue out, but he nodded along. “I mean we all gotta make some mistakes or we’re never gonna learn anything or grow. My Granny Truitt always says that bad experiences are supposed to teach you everything you need to know to prepare you for next time. It’s supposed to make wise but not scared, or you didn’t actually learn anything. I used to think that that sounded crazy, but it turns out she was right.”

“I think your Granny Truitt sounds plenty wise herself, so she probably knows what she’s talking about,” Blaine chuckled. “It’s one thing to mess up a recipe or fail at a new hobby or something, though — my friendship with Kurt is just a lot more precious to me than any learning experience.” He lifted one eyebrow teasingly. “Does Granny Truitt have anything sage to say about Ms. Mercedes Jones, then?”

Rolling his eyes, Sam shook his head. “No, because I did the right thing with Mercedes by letting her go,” he repeated. “I’m happy, and more importantly she’s happy which makes me even happier.” He felt like a part of that was a lie, but he wasn’t going to call attention to it. “She’d just call you a chicken, you know? Kurt is probably just as concerned about all of this, you know…”

Blaine looked skeptical, but knew better that to push the issue when Sam was so insistent. “As long as you’re BOTH happy, then,” he said. With a small grimace, Blaine shook his head. “I don’t think anyone’s ever accused me of being brave,” he admitted quietly. “So if the shoe fits…” he sighed. “Kurt’s… I don’t know what Kurt wants. He wanted to be just friends, but then he says things that are so far beyond ‘friendly’ that I don’t know what to think. It’s like we’re in this weird sort of limbo, where everything’s all tangled up and neither one of us actually knows what we want anymore.”

“Someone needs to make a move. I think you’re smart enough to know that it’s already beyond friends. So why are you hiding behind that?” Sam gave him a pointed look. “And how can you say you’re not brave when we both came from the same small town in the same small-minded state when people would’ve made lunch meat out of you and Kurt, but you never let that stop you. That’s pretty damn brave.”

“Whatever we are, making a move isn’t possible right now,” Blaine protested. “And even if I relocate to New York, that could take months — it’s not like I can ask Kurt to drop everything and wait for me to make a decision.” Blaine hunched his shoulders slightly, looking smaller at the reminder. “I still ran, Sam. And I don’t think I could have flourished at McKinley without you guys having my back as much as you did.”

Sam took a deep breath and really looked at his friend. “Kurt liked you for a long time, and maybe that’s a lot of pressure or something. I could see how it would be, but I think he’d understand if you said ‘if I move, I’m open to seeing where it goes,’ but you gotta decide if you even want that. It’s just a try. I just don’t want you to regret not trying is all. But hey, it’s your life. I’m just here to be that same support that you had in high school, brother.”

“Kurt likes the grown up version of Blaine, too, you know. I loved the high school version of Mercedes just as much as I enjoy the version of herself that she is now. She’s more mature and confident, but she’s still basically the same person. So is Kurt. So are you.” Sam bit back a sigh because Blaine seemed intent on being down on himself. “You were just a kid then. I had a crush on Mercedes for like two whole years, and it took me til almost senior year to ask her out. I didn’t get upset with her for not knowing. I was just happy she said yes. Just think about it. And of course I’ll always have your back.”

“Mercedes has always been fabulous, and she always will be. Kurt, too,” Blaine insisted, affection lacing his voice. His grin widened as he smirked at Sam. “Jury’s still out on you, though, Evans,” he teased, wrinkling his nose playfully with a laugh. “All joking aside, though - thanks. You really are the best.”