I made my gyno appointment. September 14th. Pap smear. I couldnāt remember the last time I got one. I donāt mind pap smears, they are uncomfortable but I like to know everything is okay down there. Especially since I got my IUD in there 3 years ago, I want to make sure that sucker is still in there. Sheās also going to check my breast. Iāve had a lump in my left breast for a while now, but my doctors up until my last visit had said it was normal. This last visit she was like maybe get it checked out, itās kind of big. Small panic, but also no time for panic I had other goals for that visit (securing a therapist and getting blood drawn).
Anyway, I was looking forward to getting checked out since I had been putting it off for quite some time now.
She asks me about my last period, I share how Iāve had an irregular period the past couple months- sometimes bleeding twice a month. She nods, probably says or asks a follow up question I donāt remember. Iām trying to rack my brain also wondering why I donāt keep track of my periods so I wouldnāt struggle so hard to guess answers to her questions.
She begins the check up down there.
She says she doesnāt feel the strings of my IUD. Oh, great. She now has to ultrasound me. Iām like okay, that sounds kind of cool. I remember hearing that it was normal for the strings to wear off or go in the cervix. Now the ultrasound machine Iāve only ever seen in movies and used on pregnant women is up beside me. Damn thatās cool, I can see my insides. Why does my doc look all concerned? You know, that look of constipation.
She says my IUD is in there and that it will most likely be fine to take out in a couple years. Unless it got positioned weirdly in which case... she doesnāt really explain worst-case scenario which Iām cool with. Why attract that negative energy into my uterus.
But sheās still looking concerned and starts pointing towards my ovary. Which she announces because I canāt really tell whatās going on all I see are black and grey blobs on the screen, hoping not to recognize a heartbeat.
She starts circling my left ovary and explains how there seem to be cysts inside it which are enlarging it, possibly to twice its normal size. Ouch- it doesnāt hurt but I can feel it. She shows me my other ovary, which is tiny. Sheās like well these could be super normal and will go away on their own or they could be benign tumors that need to be removed or they COULD FLIP OVER YOUR UTERUS AND MAYBE YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO GIVE BIRTH IF YOU EVER CHOOSE YOU WANT THAT EVEN THOUGH RIGHT NOW YOU REALLY DONāT WANT KIDS EVER. Or something along those lines.
She moved on to my breasts and recommended I get the lump checked out because itās probably a benign growth BUT DOES YOUR FAMILY HAVE A HISTORY OF BREAST CANCER HOW SOON CAN WE SCHEDULE YOU TO GET IT CHECKED OUT **CONCERNED FACE**.
Thereās no herstory of breast cancer in my family but Iām still pretty bummed out after this doctorās visit. Routine checkups really can sneak up on you. She keeps repeating anything malignant in my ovary or breast would be super rare but Iām convincing myself Iāve lived a good life.
Iām surprised by how relieved I am with the possibility of not being able to birth children. Like that would be the perfect way to get off the hook (my partner really wants kids and Iām like please no).
I text bae. He doesnāt respond but I text him all the details. Like hey babe, im kind of terrified right now but can you not be and tell me everything is going to be okay? Of course I get no response but it felt good to let it out. I would later feel bad for impulsively sending these.
I think about telling one of my besfriends but I really donāt want to worry her and I really should believe everything is going to be okay. I schedule 2 follow up appointments for next week. Sept 19th and Sept 21st.
I went off to work and pulled off an arduous week. Long days with no room to break down and let out my feels. I tried to cry but it didnāt come out right. I wanted to tell my mom and dad but no use in sharing until everything was cleared.
Fortunately I have resolving cysts in my left ovary and a benign tumor on my left breast, which I can get removed if I want to. I am more grateful for my health (all my blood tests also came out normal) but also feel reaffirmed in my life choices because as I tormented myself with the possibility of living a shorter life I couldnāt think of anything Iād be doing differently. <3