#panic recovery

I wrote myself into another corner now I have to start the whole chapter over again.

You'd think after 20+ years I'd stop doing this to myself but noooooo....

Okay so... I wrote some pretty good PTSD flashbacks for Bucky... but I just hate how boring the dialog is after the fact. it's just soooo boring. I'm falling asleep while writing it.

no one likes a boring conversation.

It's fanfiction, not my original stuff, but I'm just writing because I need to get my emotions out. It's been a horrible day dealing with Karens. I need the dopamine.

and the serotonin.

and a bunch of other things.

Its going to be a long one..

So I have been totally awful at writing on here, which means one thing..that I haven't had any challenges or anything of importance to report. The reason being, throughout all of November and December I was on placement at a school so I was there 5 days a week and on weekends I spent all day doing work to prepare for the next week. This meant i was so time consumed with work and tired and stressed with it, that the thought of my only free time being filled with anxiety challenges with make me feel anxious, didn't go down well, so I ended up not doing any!

Which brings me to now! And this month I have been feeling pretty down, and I think its partly because I feel my progress has been put on the back burner. 

January for me is usually a really inspiring month, where I reflect on the year just gone, and look forward to what lies ahead. This year didn't start off so great, and I think with last year being quite a positive one, with a lot of milestones I felt that how could this year be the same? I suppose i should have had the opinion that it could be even better! But I have been looking too far ahead, wondering about the future, 'what if i never get over this' 'what it i never get to go abroad again', and it has caused me to be somewhat stuck in my thoughts. I need to focus on NOW and not think of too far ahead because i get too consumed by it.

The thing I need to realise is, THERE IS NOTHING STOPPING ME! Anxiety is not a physical thing, there is not physically stopping me from getting on a train, or travelling, or doing whatever I want! The only thing stopping me is a FEELING, that I cause myself. I need to reinforce this!!

So from today I am setting a plan, to go back to my challenges, starting small and hopefully building up!

I have also realised, that a lot of my problems, for all not in the forefront, are a lot of pent up emotions that I don't let out. So Im going to start writing letters, to people, or to myself, just to get these emotions and thoughts out, and it might lead to me thinking clearer and dealing with issues better. ( i might write them on here if i think i should?)

Im also going to write about happy memories I've had. I have a had a great comfortable life, up until 3 years ago, (and it still hasn't been all that bad).. and i think i have gotten so consumed in the negativity of the 'anxious years', that i have forgotten, or don't let myself remember the great times i have had, So I think that will be beneficial for me to do to help with my recovery!

So today, despite being full of cold,I walked up to the shops in town and had a walk around on my own, which is something that I haven't done for ages. But i need more independence, so i just went, and especially not feeling well added an extra challenge to it. And it was nice, I need to learn that its not scary being on my own, and I enjoyed wandering around myself wrapped up in my scarf looking in the shops.

I did it!!!

I don't have pictures to go along with this post, but I managed to do two full days at uni, spending the whole time in a lecture hall. 

This might not sound like an achievement for most people, but my whole panic and anxiety started in lecture halls, literally the second I entered them I would get a full scale panic attack, to the point that my final year of uni I didn't even go to one single lecture or even seminar in a classroom because the panic was so bad! 

I'm not going to lie, i was ridiculously anxious and did feel very panicky at times, but I managed to not escalate into a full panic attack, and at points felt totally relaxed. I'm actually so proud of myself for even trying because for a full year I avoided even going to uni, so the fact I was brave enough to go was an achievement in itself! I returned to the cause of the problem and I managed, and try and remember, anxiety is just a feeling. 

Also I met some really nice people which was good as I had someone to talk to all the time

Anyway that's one more step on my progress ladder and I'm really pleased!