#paneros

I drew a batch of six cards intially, one for each of Them, but after requiring clarification on the first one about both what Panpsyche meant and what She wanted me to do, I subsequently drew a clarification and an action card for each of Them. One card also jumped out before I drew the initial six, making it 19 cards total, which is a huge spread for me!

I am so out of practice with tarot I had to look up each individual card in the LWB and interpret the key words, often with a series of yes/no "20 Questions" style questions when I was split between two interpretations. One of the things I knew I need to work on is accuracy in understanding what They're saying so I do not trust my intuition regarding Them right now. It turned out I had spent nearly a year thinking They were pleased with where we were going and that I was doing well, or at least ok, only to find out when I went to renew our commitment I had been only communicating with sock puppets in my mind the majority of the time and They were not so unanimously pleased with me. Hence the double-checking and 20 questions this evening.

My heart fell intially as I surveyed the six cards I had drawn. 5 reversals and the single upright was The Devil, coupled with a reversed jumper card. I am disappointed in myself that I have disappointed Them, and I had hoped my honesty in unscripted descriptions of the inspirations I gained from Them all would show my sincerity of feeling and be sufficient to start again but...I think deities have longer memories than we do, or perhaps I just normally run away from people I think I've disappointed and so never have to deal with the consequences.

However, I worked through each of the Tetrad++ in turn, honestly discussing how I felt and how I interpreted the cards given to indicate how They felt. Two cards to express Their feelings regarding potential reconnection and one to given an action for me to do if I wanted to develop a relationship again with that particular member.

Panpsyche is being like a stern mother and wants my actions to reflect my apparent feelings, by me donating to trans people's fundraisers, particularly trans women's (naturally, She being a trans woman Herself). I disappointed Her before and have to show that I mean my apologies and not just say them.

Panhyle started with the upright Devil, which visually seemed like a fitting representation of Him (being a faun in this deck). He wants to work with me to improve my body to what I want it to be, and for me to stop complaining about it if I am not doing anything to fix it. I need to start a regular exercise regime and not falter.

Paneros I did not know what to expect, as I have some anxieties about my own desires that keep me from exploring them fully and so, E being All-Desire among other things, I had always kept distance out of worry. But I don't want to be afraid any more. E said E is disappointed and sad things did not work out before but hat we can move past that now. E wants me to fall out and drop away from the things that bind me, from unhelpful routines and stagnant actions, to hatch from my egg and grow from my seed, to rise again. It scares me, because what if I fail and free-fall and never fly? But I have been longer afraid of rotting inside myself from not being authentically me, so I agreed.

Paneris, All-Strife, was one I did not have any expectations for. He literally embodies conflict and strife and change, so having any expectations is counterproductive. She said the two of us were an "undependable youth" and a "distrustful person" also who is which is unclear. They will.work with me on a case-by-case basis, a transactory relationship rather than, say, a friendship. And the first thing Thon said Cor'd do was help me with Paneros and breaking out of my shell, if I made a bad decision. As in, to invoke Hir spirit of change in my life to make everything different, I had to make a bad decision, a conflict-causing decision. Which would no doubt bring change by necessity!

Pancrates...flat out said Sie doesn't like me. And it makes me worried that, someone I see as upholding the pillars of order in the universe doesn't like me, I am a bad person. But, one thing that has always been apparent to me from previously working with the Tetrad++ is They are very much like people and have likes and dislikes accordingly. And I cannot be liked by everyone. Sie wants of me The Tower - to tear down and utterly reconfigure my view of myself and the world. So, I said that may happen due to the work I will be trying to do with Paneros and Paneris, but that I could not promise I would turn into a person Pancrates would like. I am surprised to have such a negative reaction from Hir but...I will never be liked by everyone.

Panprosdexia, ever dutiful, felt my time away was a waste and that it could have been better spent being more of a light in the darkness and leading others through. But now I am back I can start again and help others and shine as I can and work on assisting Them in Their duty. I need to keep an eye out for omens and on my dreams for further messages.

Overall this means I can move forward with redeveloping relationships with each of the members of the Tetrad++, save perhaps Pancrates. This is particularly immediately relevant because I have called upon Them every time I've done the Trans Rite of Elevation so far and wish to do so this year too, and did not want to do so if I were in unredeemable stead.