#panatag

Grateful for the smallest yet grandest things.

Note: Our officiating priest asked us to write our versions of our love story. I made mine in the form of a letter. Thought, I'd share it with you to give hope to those who feel like they won't ever find the one.

Love stories are often started with a ‘meet cute’ like in the movies. But ours, would have to start by sharing who I was two years before our paths crossed. In 2017, the man who I was supposed to marry, gave up and left me. Back then, I was struggling with medically diagnosed anxiety among other traumas and him leaving me broke me beyond words. How I recovered and stood back up, I could only attest to be nothing else but God’s grace. That break-up, however, destroyed my idea of love too, and with it, my desire and hope to be married. Still, Father, what I remember most vividly were my prayers. When anxiety gets too much that even medicine or running (literally, 10-15 KM) are not enough, I would go sit in Paco Church and pray among healing and peace: “Lord, lead my way to a man who would love me more than I love myself.” Then, I’d close my eyes and imagine a kind of love that gives warmth, that gives calm to my chaos.

In 2019, a familiar name messaged me on Facebook. He was a highschool batchmate and he asked me about my recent birthday trip, an immersion to the Aetas of Pampanga. He said, his company does charity trips too, and he’d like me to connect him to the Aetas. Then, he messaged me again, several occasions and reasons – sending videos of a band I liked that he watched live, photos of some shoe sale of a local brand I support, and a photo of a Law Entrance Exam Reviewer. The last one made me reply causing us to talk and him offering to lend his reviewer. So, we met and then we found out how we are both photographers. Messages kept going back and forth. He would pop out of nowhere to my office (both at Makati and BGC) or to wherever I was doing my evening runs to trick me into having lunch or treating him for coffee (i.e. he won a photo contest). He would ask for my help with some conceptual photoshoots as it was my forte, while he is more into candid and streets. He would invite me out on photo walks where we’d spend all day just talking. But, even with him bringing me one kilo of avocado at 6AM (meaning he left our home town at 4AM), I did not see him as anything more than a friend. I was, ever since, always one of the boys after all. And he never gave me the usual passionate, kilig feeling I get when I was in love before…. With him, I was always free yet grounded, excited yet calm.

Until, we went on a trip to Zambales, as I agreed to bring him to my “secret” surf spot to help with one of his photo contests theme. We were there as friends but then he kissed me. Being the fiery feminist that I am, I gave him the lesson about consent before even asking why. He’s not a man of words Father, but he just said he knew that I was the one he prayed for, too. And in life, there are split second moments where everything just changes - that kiss changed it all.

Work break posting~ If there's ever a favorite work-out buddy, aside from my cat/s, it's this bottle of essential oil, R.C. I

 apply a drop of this oil on my chest before a work out and I have felt that I am able to breathe deeper, improving my lifting and meditation. I also never fail to put a drop of this on my mask before going out for a run! I can't say it's solely because of the oil, but you can refer to the other photo for how my VO2max (one of the measures used by runners on cardio fitness) and my pace. 

Mixed with Thieves, I diffuse it whenever I feel stuffy, like when there's a sore throat coming up... which we do not want nowadays.

I was in grade six when I saw love.. He is walking in the hallway one afternoon while fixing his hair. He is so busy that he did not even noticed me.. And whenever he does, for instances, It’s like cloud nine.

Love is fond of laughter and often wants to just have a good time. And even though he looks haggard after cleaning or playing, I still find the cuteness of his smile and the sound of his laughter made my every day.

Love also mesmerized me because he is good at dancing and singing and he can actually do a lot; talented indeed. And whenever he was asked to perform in the school programs, even though I’m never patient in those, I would still sit back and wait for his time on stage patiently thinking to myself that I should learn those things too so I can be with him.

Before, I told to myself that I will never forget Love because he’s the only person who can make me blush and smile instantly, not knowing that High School will be very different..

When I was in high school, I saw love again.. But in the eyes of a different person. I know since then that it was really love. I tried to convinced myself that my first love wore a mask and that this person right now with me is more worthy than my first love.. 

And yes- Love changed a LOT..

Love is still that one I crossed somewhere in school. BUT He is very stylish and somehow savvy.  I know for sure that he is because he styles smartly like he did know exactly what my eyes wants. 

Love is also brave. Brave enough to come up in my room and tell me he loves me. I don’t know how to react or what to say but in that moment, I loved Love. 

Love became an inspiration for love always motivate me to go early in school, to clean myself up, to style accordingly, and to impersonate a lady.. I learned that I should give Love what he wants for he gives me what I want. I thought it’s JUSTICE. It’s equality and it is Love. So I always set aside myself just to favor Love because I love Love and I don’t want to lose Love.. 

Love is very sweet and protective. He wanted to be always updated and he asks for my permission in everything he does. Love is very considerate. He is sensitive to my feelings and I was to him too. I told to myself that I will never forget Love though I knew we will soon be parted. 

Years passed and it seemed like Love never seeks for me and so do I.. It is the same time when I realized the differences between Like and Love.. and I thought I have learned a lot. I pledge that I will find Love and We will be happy, simple as that.

 Life offered me different eyes and served me different souls. Some I think are nice and some are just not my type.. Some caused me happiness and there are some that caused me pain, of course. I told to myself that If Life serve me one more soul and tried to make me believe it was really Love, I would not guarantee unless he’ll never cause me pain..

and then Life introduced me to unknown. It was odd and weird. 

I never saw him walking in the hallways but he walked in my life still. Can’t stop him. I just don’t know why I cannot. 

He never noticed me the way I wanted to be noticed and I never asked for it though. We did not meet in the filed while walking nor we bumped each other in the public. I’ve known him while I’m sitting and not even thinking that there he was already. 

He has different humor than I and see things differently from me. He asks questions for the unknown reasons and shares jokes that is not funny but it is still not lame for me.. He argue very often with me and that pisses me off sometimes. 

He has talents but he never performs in stages, in front of mass.. Like what I was doing; performing for the people and behind the productions. He just sits somewhere and enjoys watching with his friends. Not conscious of what’s happening back stage. 

He has his own style and not so fit like I expected. Well, sometimes he fits within the trend but sometimes he is not. He isn’t that stylish and just wears whatever he wants. He is not that ideal prince I visualized overtime.

He will inform me but not all the time, I guess. He will let me know what’s up but will not give to the full details. He will never ask for permission about what he wanted to do and just do it on his own.. He enjoys and roams around often finding something that he does not know.. running after something I did not know of. Envisioning something privately. 

When Life introduced me to him, I almost step twice back saying to myself “This is JUST NOT-” Far from what I know, I challenged Life, I introduced myself and just let it get into places it can go.. 

I was shocked that He can also make me blush and smile, and he can also make me laugh. He listens and just stay still. with him, I knew me and I learned him. He is not the ideal prince I wanted to wake me up, but he stole my first kiss. He showered millions of reason to once again, to bet. He made me happy. He became my weakness and my strength and I don’t know why.. He is just so far from what I expected. He is a contradiction, my unwanted visitor that I don’t want to leave either.  

It was all good until something he did caused me pain. From colorful scenery to blues, and worse to gray.. He messed up or we messed up? I don’t know everything but negative photographs. I cannot vividly see every color he painted. I cannot hear every soft words I’ve got from him. Everything is cold and distant. He brought paranoia, anxiety or whatever you may call it. 

For that time, I am convinced he is not Love.. But I am convinced I am in love..

He said “I’m sorry, I ruined your life.” and he is right. For even though It all turned blue I still want to restart. Repaint your part again, build it again. Learn and start it again. I can be your masterpiece again. 

You ruined my mind, my innocence, my soul. And if I would be pessimistic it would be a disaster. A chaotic ending in the abyss with despair. The blindness and sorrows where everything, even a tiny dust can kill me. 

And  If I would be optimistic, It’s a raw experience which I can gain knowledge, which I can plan to be good at, which I can never be comfortable. In the field of barricades and swords. Behind the metal bars where I could never be imprisoned. 

and fortunately, I chose to be optimistic. 

Oh Life, is he the kind of alarm clock to wake me up from dreaming?  Why do I still  chooses him above the rest? Why is it still him that I want? And Why can’t you just hand me exactly the Love I want?! 

Is this Love? Who does know? What I feel is that my system needs to choose him over and over again, at any chances. 

Don’t ignore this. I’m looking at all of you. I get 500 notes on a goddamn ship post but a dozen on a post about actual real world issues. So sit down and listen because I am pissed as all fuck.

Reblog it even if you can’t find the energy to read it. 

This is a list of crimes China has committed and is currently committing against international law, the Philippines, and the entirety of South East Asia. 

The main one? INVADING PHILIPPINE WATERS AND DISREGARDING INTERNATIONAL MARITIME LAW TO BUILD AN ARTIFICIAL, MILITARY, WEAPON-LOADED ISLAND, AND CLAIMING THAT PHILIPPINE MARITIME TERRITORY UNDER INTERNATIONAL LAW BELONGS TO CHINA, BASED ON A HUNDRED YEAR OLD DOCUMENT LISTING THE ENTIRE SEA AS BELONGING TO CHINA. 

Destroying marine life and the environment, shattering miles and miles of coral which will take a century to grow back.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that China is actively destroying the homes of fish, thereby killing fishermen by nuking their livelihoods, China also HARASSED FILIPINO FISHERMEN AND STOLE THEIR CATCH IN PHILIPPINE WATERS

This is an ongoing and serious issue of China disregarding international law despite multiple countries, especially South East Asian countries, demanding it stop invading other territories. 

Hindi ko na po makita yung sarili ko na maiinlove pa sa iba.

I toldy myself that ‘twas just a plain crush. Nothing more. Nothing less. But I can’t stop thinking about him.

Pwede po bang graduation gift Niyo na po sa’kin yung pagiging successful ng lovelife ko?