#pakisabinalang

1. Na nageexpress ako ng apprehension towards you.

Sabi ko gusto ko if one day bigla mo nalang akong hindi kausapin, kaya ko parin sarili ko. I think natakot ka dun. Ayaw moko masaktan and you thought I deserved better. You thought I didn't deserve someone na hindi sigurado. Pareho tayong babae so walang clear gender role kung sino dapat maninindigan sa nararamdaman niya. Hindi mo pa kayang panindigan lingering feelings mo sakin kasi nga baka lingering lang, you may just want closure. In short, hindi ka sure.

2. "J" said 1st mo ako, nagout ka because of me kaya special.

Pagkakwento mo palang, alam ko na na tatatak yun sayo. Baka kaya may lingering feelings. I can see you rationalizing your feelings. I will always be special kasi 1st ako. I get that. May sense and logic naman. But may gut feeling ako. When I asked you, hindi ka ba worried sa lack of sparks with "G" sabi mo, sabi ko nga, hindi lang dapat sa sparks. G loves you and he makes you feel secure. May direction na klaro. At least alam mo kung sino yung nagdadrive ng relationship. You didn't say you are so in love with him kaya you still want to be with him. There's a difference.

3. Your relationship with G was too short for you to really say na nabigyan mo kayo ng enough chance to workout. The way you refer to him, the way na i-flaunt mo siya sa social media, the way na boto mga tao sa inyo and the way that even tita was more concerned na baka saktan mo siya. It all tells me that he makes things easy. That's good I guess. He makes it easy for you to choose him daily. He has this effect on you. That's great.

What if it stops? What if it gets past the honeymoon stage and you guys start having problems? He better not fucking hurt you. Will you still choose him then? Right now, madali. But it will get hard. Right now, bukambibig mo yung kilig ng how he feels about you and how he expresses it. How about how you feel about him? What happened to not settling for people na hindi ka 100% in love with? I could be way wrong. But to me it sounds like he loves you, that's why you love him. See why that's wrong? Read it again.

So? What's my point? Ayaw ko ba kay G? No. On the contrary, I'm happy for you. You found someone who won't hurt you. I hope consistent siya. Sa kwento mo kasi he also had his red flags. To be fair, who doesn't? Between him and I mas gago ako. I'm risky and you're scared I might hurt you or you might hurt me.

So honest to goodness, I am happy for you. You made a choice that breaks your pattern na kung sino pinagseselosan yun yung kasunod, though technically di naman ako pinagselosan nung una. You' re trying to grow by doing things differently. Good for you.

May what if parin between us pero we may never get an answer and that's alright. I may be convinced na ikaw yung para sa akin but that's okay if you don't feel the same way. If we get another chance?

1. Ako na magdadrive ng relationship. I would reassure you na kahit pabago bago ka ng isip ikaw pipiliin ko, even when it's fucking hard. Even through your sadness or dark days. But also on days when you are giggly and flirty and naughty. Or just plain sweet and cute. Paghihirapan ko to make it easy for you to choose me but at the same time paparamdam ko sayong you make me happy rin because you do. You make me happy kahit makausap lang kita. I will show you na I deserve you and you deserve me rin. I will make myself worthy of you. It doesn't make sense anymore why I still love you but I do. It's not supposed to always make sense. Maybe I meet someone else at ikasal ako. Still I'm convinced, we will cross paths again, malay natin baka pag byuda na tayo pareho haha. Point is, When we are ready. Right now kasi mukang hindi pa. Hindi ka lang special sa akin kasi matagal tayo or dahil malaki naging impact mo sakin in life. I just know.

2. You won't have to rationalize how you feel but there will be sparks. I will make sure of it. Papakita ko sayong may future tayo na magwowork out tayo and I will do what I can to make you feel secure with me. I will remind you na hindi lang ako special sayo kasi 1st mo ako or dahil may lingering feelings lang na kailangan ng closure. I won't let it end anymore. Hindi na kita papakawalan if given the chance. I would fight for you, for us.

3. I will make sure that if we get another chance, no strings attached sa iba. Walang lingering with anyone else. You have to be okay on your own at hindi ako eeksena ng may G ka pa. If it's meant to happen, the universe will bring us back together somehow and we will make it happen. Masasaktan at masasaktan kita, pero kailangan mangingibabaw parin yung love. You won't ever have to settle for me. I promise.

For now, be happy. Kung kayo in the end, then okay. As for me, I will live my life to the fullest with or without you. Sakin lang, I won't love anyone half heartedly like I almost did with someone after you.

August 23, 2020

Maybe I can not be just a friend because of how much I value you and love you but what I can do is be there for you without crossing those boundaries. 

I am not so naive to think that you are still the same person I met and fell in love with. I know you will change and grow as a person if you haven’t already. It's not the idea of you that I love. Every time I get a chance to interact with you I always want to find out more about you and what’s going on in your life. Yes, of course you will always be special because of what you were to me but I acknowledge that who you are now and who you will be is a different person. What I know is that, no matter who you become, I will always love to get to know that person. And I would be so happy just to be part of your life.

This page is mostly for you and for me to express all the love I have for you but I am not going to get in the way of your happiness and I will not let my feelings get in the way of me living my life. Perhaps one day I will stop writing about you/to you. Perhaps by getting to know who you became or will become, I will accept that I am not what’s best for you. 

I finally had the courage to watch that show you recommended before.

This version of time after time really spoke to me and reminded me of how much I love you.

In that scene, Toby noticed how Kate's brother always got the spotlight. He wanted Kate to know that she is the star in his world. He went out of his way to build a safe space for Kate to showcase her talent and let her see that she is her own person, connected to her twin but also with her own identity. He wanted her to shine through in an environment she felt safe to do so.

I have always wanted to build you a safe place to be yourself. 

I remember when you were so stressed at work and you went to our place and you just cried. I wanted to hold you and be your safe space. I still do. You build up people and lift them up, you treat most of your employees as friends, you build actual relationships with them (friendships and more lol). You give them the spotlight. I know this just by how you tell your stories about them and I know because when we were together you gave me the spotlight and built me up. I want you to know that you are the star in my world. I may not be able to reach you all the time but I will keep trying and keep following you for inspiration. I want to make you proud.

And no matter how much I want to, I can never replace being your anchor and ground you the way he does but I can be your lighthouse. Call me a hopeless romantic but this song tells me you can always come home, if you realize one day that that's what you want.

If you're lost you can look, and

You will find me,

Time after time.

No matter how far off you go, or how many other times you fall in love or no matter who I am with, no matter how long we don't communicate or how awkward it may be in those few times a year that we do, no matter how long before we see each other again or be in each other's company,

I will always feel connected to you and I will always put your happiness first.

This is for you, Dannie.

but I'm your fucking idiot, and

I'm convinced that it will all work out and

it will all be worth it.

May meeting ka kaya?

Pagkagising, andyan ka na agad sa isip ko.

Sabay bangon, papasok sa trabaho.

Baon kita sa tanghali.

Nakapasok ka kaya o hindi?

Ano kaya ang ulam mo?

Miss ko na mga banat mo.

Bitbit kita hanggang sa paguwi.

Kailan kaya kita makakausap ulit?

Buong araw nakakapit ako sa alaala ng 'yong mga ngiti

Nakikipagsapalaran, nakikipagtalo,

Pero ang nasa isip ko lang, miss ko na mga tawa mo.

Sa pagtulog yakap yakap ko ang mga salita mo.

Magkakasama pa kaya tayo?

Magdadasal ako para sayo.

Kahit na alam ko,

Kaibigan mo lang ako.

You are my person.

That never changed just because I couldn't kiss you anymore.

You are my person.

Whether we don't talk for years at a time or talk until we can barely open our eyes anymore out of drowsiness.

You are my person.

Even if you don't choose me as your lover.

You are my person.

Even when I can no longer make sense of why or how.

You are my person,

even if you get married and have kids.

You are my person,

and I decided I will always love you.

The thing is, I understand you better now. I think. Ayaw mo ng pinaglalaban ka. Pag ayaw mo, ayaw mo. When you told me we can't meet for a while because of the pandemic, I was planning to buy a PPE and show up at your work in that just so I can maybe hug you and get you home in a rented car from someone I knew. I had to stop myself because I knew now that that isn't how you needed to be loved. Quality time is not your priority, if anything that would have made me feel more for you but it wouldn't have made you feel anymore for me than you did at the time. Naisip ko rin that you wouldn't want a public display of affection. It would have been too much too soon.

You said you wished me well and that you hope I said everything I needed to say. There was one more thing I wanted to say. When we were together, I'm sorry if I never made you any promises to reassure you of where you stood with me or how I felt about you. The only reason I never did is because I never want to disappoint you. I never want, and I never have lied to you. Ayoko kasi magsalita ng tapos then maiisip mo nagsinungaling ako if I changed my mind. I wanted to be sure first. But for the last 2 years without communication and the past month that we were talking, everything is clearer now.

I always want to make you proud. I loved you from the start and I never stopped. I stumbled a lot especially before but one thing has never been clearer than it is tonight. Those nights talking with you where I felt my most vulnerable, I made exceptions and wrote you promises of the things I know for sure and wanted to tell you. I guess it doesn't matter now what those promises are. But if someday we get another chance, I would tell you. Right now, what I do with those promises are mine alone to keep.

So despite all the clarity of how I feel about you, I'm not going to fight for you. I am hurt syempre, nabigla ako sobra. Pero I will not get in the way of your happiness and how you want to chase or find it. I don't think you and I or anybody should feel like they need to fight for a relationship to happen. Like you, Ayoko rin ng pilit. You deserve a relationship where you feel at peace, at home, at the same time yung relationship that excites you. You deserve a partner that even when it gets tough, s/he will make it easier for you to choose the person daily, that will call you out when you are wrong pero will also spoil you. I hope you find that or whatever it is that you think you deserve sa relationship in the decisions you make now and in the future.

I'm going to focus back on myself. It was nice while it lasted. I will forever cherish that moment in the backseat of the car just talking to you. I will always hold our past midnight conversations dear to my heart. I'm happy you got your closure the same way I got mine from you before.

Before you reached out, I thought I was ready to fall in love again but it can't possibly be fair for anyone to be loved half-assed. So I would rather stay alone and love myself than be with someone else when I know what I want already. Nor will I chase you. I know you would not want that either. So I just wanted to say that I mean it when I say I will be your friend. Just your friend. Nothing more. Kasi nga you made your choice and I will respect that. I just wanted to say what I needed to say rin. After this, di mo kailangan magworry that I would need space or time to heal again from scratch as if we broke up. I just need to make sure masabi ko lahat. So ayun, thank you Dannie. Stay safe please.