#painfullessons

I'm just being authentic and real on my podcast and like like telling true stories"

- “ I wasn't opposed to it because um, you may or may not have been coming out”

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@painfullessonspodcast

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#We want that part 2!

***Warning, POSSIBLE Trigger Warning, I give examples of my ex throughout here, and there is some language and emotional abuse triggers in here. Discretion advised.

1.       They Can Change in the Blink of an Eye:

You think this person you’ve met is just the bee’s knees, right? They’re charming, funny, charismatic…everything you’ve been looking for! Wrong. A narcissist can suddenly go from Prince Charming to the beast in a few seconds flat. One minute they are the caring and doting boyfriend/girlfriend, the next, they’re a raging monster that can’t be stopped. One time my ex and I were out to breakfast and I said something that sent us into a huge argument. When I said I wanted to drop it and that I was sorry, and that we were in public, he grabbed my phone and hurled it across the dining hall- telling me that we weren’t “f*cking done”.  

2.       They Use Sex/Intimacy as a Weapon:

It starts small…”I want to sleep naked, so I can feel your skin against mine..” or “Condoms are too expensive for me…I’m not going to get them anymore.” This eventually turns into them cutting you off from sex or intimacy completely once they’ve got what they wanted. Trust me hon, it’s not just that the ‘honeymoon phase’ is over. They’re done playing with you, and they’ll do it when THEY see fit. Then at the times when you don’t want it, you’re suddenly the monster, you’re insensitive because you don’t want them. OH, and they use the whole “I can’t live without your love” thing all the time. Sometimes they’ll even threaten to kill themselves if you don’t give them what they want. Scary sh*t.

3.       They Groom the Hell Out of You:

I’m talking poodle in a goddamned dog parlor. When a narcissist feels you slipping away, they will groom you. “God, that sweater really brings out your eyes.” and “I just want to hold you…you never let me just hold you.” were my ex’s favorite. They’re basically incessantly nice and caring towards you. They’ll shower you with gifts, sex, love, attention, cuddles…don’t fall for it. They’ll turn it off as soon as they feel you falling back in. They’re just temporarily hitting your sweet spot.

4.       GASLIGHTING:

This one is one of the worst things a narcissist does. They will essentially do all they can to convince you that you are CRAZY, and/or something didn’t happen. My Ex used to like twisting small details (I am an extremely detailed person, when I tell a story you know what color shirt I was wearing when it happened) and convincing me that my account of something was wrong, and they were right. This all goes back to the idea that a narcissist must always be right, and they’ll do anything to prove that point. They will also surround themselves with friends who only see the good side of them (the side you unfortunately fall in love with) and they will in turn convince you that you’re crazy as well. In my case, my ex’s boss HATED me because he convinced her that I was a lying, controlling b*tch that didn’t want my ex to do anything, even though I’d met her maybe twice. You will eventually believe you’re crazy because of the “evidence” stacked against you.

5.       They Praise You for Your Personality Quirks…at First:

One of the first thing they do is praise you, like I said, that’s grooming. My ex always said he had heard how strong and independent I was, and he loved that about me. But when they see fit, (i.e. when they have their claws in you) they try to start changing you. Little things at first…”Oh, you don’t need to do that…you don’t have to be so strong…” to my living nightmare’s favorite, “GOD, here we go again. You have to shut down and stop talking to pretend like you’re such a f*cking badass…” My ex had me convinced that I was this big marshmallow who liked to be talked down to like a f*cking toddler and loved pink unicorns. They take the very things that make you unique, and turn them into weapons of mass destruction. And the target is you. 

6.       Little Mistakes and Slip-Ups are the End of the F*CKING World:

Oh. And I don’t mean mistakes from them. They would NEVER make a mistake. I mean little slip-ups that YOU have. Once, when I was laying on our futon, my ex screamed at me for FIFTEEN minutes straight because I knocked over a bottle of Pepsi and it got on the carpet. He not only bitched at me to clean it up immediately, but then proceeded to tell me that I wasn’t careful, and I needed to fix that. Later he was tickling me, and I fell off the bed and hit my back on the frame…I yanked the electrical cord while I was down, and he accused me of not caring about electrocuting myself, and that he was “Sorry he was the only one that cared about my safety”

7.       They will ALWAYS Have Someone Waiting in the Wings:

God…this one still hurts to talk about. I have no idea how many times I was actually cheated on, all I know is my ex was very handsome and had no boundaries. When they realize that they can’t control you anymore, they will find someone else. Sometimes they’ll flaunt it to make you jealous, other times they’ll hide it. My ex had girls who I didn’t know who would call him “best friend” and hug him and be all over him. He would lie and say that they were just friends. Listen to your GUT people. It’s for more than chocolate cake and potato chips.

8.       They will Separate You from Everyone:

Your parents, your grandparents, your siblings, your friends, your pastor, your cat, your God- whoever. They don’t care. I used to get bitched at all the time because I wanted to hang out with my friends from college, and I was guilted into talking to him on the phone instead. I was convinced also that my parents didn’t love me as much as my other siblings because I was adopted, and they were too controlling because they didn’t like him. In reality, my mom was a psych major and she spotted he was a narcissist right away and she tried like hell to get me away from him.

9.       They. Will. Never. Change.  

The entire point of a narcissist is that they irrevocably love THEMSELVES. They know how to pull people in and make them feel bad for them, but they will never change their problems. It’s all a f*cking game. An empath will only be pulled in by a narcissist because they feel bad for them and they think they can help them. You can’t. 

10.   They Will Hurt You. Deeply.

I paid the price for being with a narcissist. I finally had to be hospitalized because I was so depressed and anxious from this two-year relationship from hell, and I wanted to die because I wasn’t the same person anymore. When I was in the psychiatric hospital, finding out for the first time that I was actually being severely abused, and I was overtly depressed and needed medicated, I was cheated on and dumped. I got the call while in the hospital. He had been seeing someone else when he realized he’d lost his grip on me. It’s been eight months almost to the day.