#paged(ee)

He doesn’t tell Buck that Shannon left—Pepa does, and then Eddie owns up to it not being all Shannon’s fault. He owns up to the panic attack only after the cardiologist basically forced it. He owns up to the issues with Ana only after Buck witnesses something is wrong. He owns up to the ptsd because Buck walks into the middle of it. He owns up to Marisol and the nun thing after Buck questions why he’s there early. He owns up to Kim after Buck meets her and confronts Eddie about it. He only tells Buck about wanting to move after Buck finds the tablet, only about the house once it’s already purchased, only about the El Paso job after Buck finds out, all of which connect to Chris but stem from Kim.

Over and over he turns to Buck about Chris because he knows Buck won’t judge him for it, and will reassure Buck in painfully sincere ways when it’s in relation to Chris/Chris adjacent, but he doesn’t turn to Buck about himself. He doesn’t lie about it once Buck steps into it, but he doesn’t actively bring Buck into it. It’s like he’s willing to let Buck see him failing at fatherhood, and more so after the tsunami than before, in part because Buck immediately saw Eddie drowning in various responsibilities at the very start of knowing each other, but after because he saw Buck worrying about failing Chris as much as he does. And yet it’s like he can’t willingly let Buck see him as a failure as a person or in romantic relationships, but also is unwilling to lie to Buck. Like he thinks not telling isn’t lying—and these instances specifically it isn’t, but he’s still hiding these imperfections, these “failures” so that Buck can still see him as good. Which is also so so interesting because he considers his role as father to be intrinsic to who he is.

It’s like Eddie can’t look at Buck because Buck is the mirror that shows Eddie the full truth of who he is: Buck doesn’t ignore the messy bits, the mistakes, but he doesn’t hold them against Eddie like it makes Eddie less than. And Eddie’s in a hell of his own making, trapped in a town he left and felt forced to return because he made the biggest mistake he could: losing his kid’s trust—losing his kid near completely. And he can’t look at Buck in the moments he fails, because he Buck forgives him for it, regardless of what it is, and Eddie doesn’t think he deserves that forgiveness until he makes it right. It’s why, in part, to me, he didn’t tell Buck about Kim.

What is the will if not Buck’s impermanence to Eddie in actuality? He doesn’t get to be in the Diaz family—unless Eddie dies. His place is established but it exists in absence (Eddie’s) but also as absence, as in it’s a role that doesn’t exist if Eddie’s alive. His value isn’t inherent to him because his value is in being alive when Eddie cannot/is not.

And yet! What is the will if not Eddie permanently keeping Buck as part of his family, but in possibility? Shannon died, his parents don’t trust his abilities, Isabel isn’t physically capable of parenting Chris everyday—all of these people who aren’t there or can’t be there when Eddie is still alive, unlike Buck who isn’t related yet constantly there for Eddie and Chris simply by giving Eddie options and resources and support. And Eddie sees that, and knows how hard Buck fights, and that trait is unique to Buck—it’s Buck at his core—and it’s that reason, that inherent part of who Buck is, that makes Eddie update his will. You act like you’re expendable, but you’re wrong. To Eddie, Buck can’t be replaced.

From Eddie’s side, Buck isn’t a placeholder for Eddie should anything happen. He’s vital, always already. But from Buck’s side, Buck is not expendable in case. He’s vital in future, but only if. Whereas for Eddie the will solidifies Buck’s place in his and Chris’ life and family, the will and Buck’s place in the Diaz family cannot coexist. If the will means anything, Eddie is still alive, but once Eddie dies, and the will is enacted and executed, it no longer holds any value, any meaning, because it can’t be re-activated. If Eddie dies, the will once executed also becomes a dead document.

And unlike every other time, Eddie, who in s9 has repeatedly doubled down on not wanting to date, doesn’t follow suit, both in part because he doesn’t want to, but more importantly because, after a week of being mildly annoyed at Buck’s new relationship for reasons he can’t say, he finally figures out why he doesn’t want to date and why he’s so antagonistic towards this new person: because Eddie’s in love. Except Buck seems happy. So he can’t say anything—won’t say anything. Buck’s his best friend. If Buck had feelings for him, he’d have known…right? Cue angst spiral about everything this means and who he is and why it doesn’t matter now.

Meanwhile, Buck is making it work, except for every moment he knows he’s miserable, but he’s going to have to find some light in the misery, he did it after Bobby died so he can do it for this…right? And Eddie’s miserable. And both of them are trying not to show it. Until Buck finally breaks it off, finally gets where Abby, where Tommy were coming from: it’s very much not about the other person so much as they aren’t it, this is nice but it’s not enough, and Buck would rather have almost with Eddie than everything with someone else. And then in the good, dream world, we get a repeat of Buck miserable and coming over to Eddie’s and Eddie happy and Buck’s like, okay I know you didn’t like them but could you at least tone down the glee. And Eddie says, I’m not gleeful. I’m just … I’m happy./ you’re happy I’m single again? / yeah :D / you’re happy no one’s ever going to love me the way i want them to? / no / then why are you so happy in the face of my misery? / you have a nice face … even when you’re miserable / Eddie / I’m happy cause you already do. Have someone who loves you, I mean / Eddie / at least…I think that the way I love you is the way you want me to :)