#padparascha

Padparadscha's Past

We know little about Padparadscha's past, but we do know that:

She was partnered up with Rutile, who is used to tending to her due to her condition.

2. She's as old as Yellow Diamond.

3. She's almost as strong as Bortz.

And that's all we really need to know!

Judging by Phos' admiration for Padparadscha and the gems' reaction to him in subsequent chapters, it's obvious that he's seen as a cool and wise guy—that is his reputation. He looks cool, acts cool, and is cool.

Padparadscha was incredibly valued for his battle prowess and intelligence—he's not only strong, but he's smooth, nonchalant, and knows how to read people. He's almost like a legend. I'd argue that he wasn't born like this, however, but rather, that it's because of his condition—his disability, that he started to realize why he needs what he calls "discretion" in his first conversation with Phos.

Padparadscha is Discreet

Discretion, like "Courage" is for Antarc and Winter Phos, is the perfect word to describe Padpa's way of living. He thinks before he acts, he understands how fragile people's feelings are and as such he proceeds with caution. This is even shown when he calls Phos out for being too reckless.

But how does someone end up like this? It's strange to see just how cautious Padparadscha is of altering things... of altering the status quo.

So let's go back to Kongo's society—a community that values usefulness over everything, and in which you need an unchanging role to thrive. Padparadscha was useful, yes... but her role was not "unchanging".

She had to constantly be examined and repaired by Rutile, and everytime she woke up, things were different... and yet the same. Gems were taken away, never to be seen again, and yet everyone still acted the same. Everyone stuck to their roles, and the only exception to that was Padparadscha.

It must have been sickening for her, because for every other gem, they live so long that every year starts to blend together—they aren't aware of what changes or not (unless it's as flashy and uncommon as Phos).

But then you have Padparadscha, who wakes up in a world that acts the same, looks the same, and yet shouldn't.

Because valuable companions are missing—cherished people have gone away, and everyone still acts as if nothing has happened.

Really, how must this all feel for her? She's as old as Yellow, which naturally brings a special kind of tiredness and apathy, and she's as strong as Bortz, and yet unable to do anything about all the tragedy surrounding her.

Thus, due to her condition, Padparadscha realizes that the story of a hero was nothing more than a sham, and the roles the gems attribute so much meaning to now seem like a way to cope with their meaningless existence.

Not only that, but changing your role from the hero she used to be to the gems to the burden that Padparadscha is to Rutile must be eye-opening... Even the bond she valued the most can be turned into nothing but a puzzle for Rutile due to how much she values her work—due to how dehumanizing the gem society is.

It's a question about what society does with you when you stop fulfilling its expectations, when you stop fulfilling your role, an allegory that's intimately linked with disabilities, similar to the way Gregor in Metamorphosis by Kafka is rejected by his family after becoming unable to work by becoming a literal bug.

Why else do you think Padparadscha looks uncomfortable here? It's like she's heard this a million times, and now she's learned to be discreet and nod, or rather, not even say anything, because she understands how fragile and yet resistant the gem society is.

Padparadscha states it rationally and objectively: her luck is to blame. Rutile responds subjectively and through existentialism: her inability to fix Padparadscha means something in regards to her ability as a doctor. It's a battle of outlooks, of cynicism vs meaning, and Padparadscha gives up because she has come to understand that detracting meaning will only break Rutile, just like it broke her.

Despite knowing that the gems lack empathy, that they lack perspective, and they lack proper relationships with each other... she can't do anything about it, because the truth would make it even worse. It's better for them to continue to believe the lie than for Padparadscha to reveal it—that their society only makes them more self-absorbed, and that the roles they find meaning in only contribute to their torture.

It's similar to the way Moon Phos interacts with gem society, don't you think? Detracting meaning, being rational...

Except Phos isn't discreet, and that's why everything breaks.

Padparadscha is Useless

Padparadscha understands the hierarchy so well that she even teases Phos about it:

Despite Phos not obeying the figure they're supposed to, and cataloguing him as a bad child, she can only laugh, because whatever they do is futile in face of the society they're trapped in.

Padparadscha is lonely—probably even resentful for the life she's gotten and the burden that comes with her disability, both physically and mentally.

She seems relaxed and nonchalant probably because the only way to cope with her circumstances is to pretend that nothing really matters, and live only valuing the little things, like the weather and sleep, which is what she talks about over everything else in her minute of screentime.

Anything else would not only futile, but perhaps even damaging—the only thing Padparadscha can do... is do nothing. Ask meaningless questions, and talk about meaningless things.

Why would she make Rutile aware of the truth, that what she's doing is useless, that there's no point, when Padparadscha knows best how it feels to have your role suddenly taken away like that?

Padparadscha sees the truth of gem society, and she's become cynical because of it—she's the gem who understands everything and will do nothing, not only because she physically can't, but also, because it's easier that way... It's easier for Rutile, easier for the gems, to play pretend, rather than face the truth and have their emotions distorted like Padparadscha has.

If you want an example of why she's justified in thinking that way... just look at Phos, who stared at the abyss and paid the ultimate price for it.

Padparadscha’s character is defined by her inaction, by her state as a passive agent, one that wishes to enact change but can't and will choose not to—not even her body will respond to her wishes.

She can't do anything to change society, and she can't do anything to change herself... that is, until her savior, Phosphophyllite, comes.

Padparadscha and Phos

I find it funny how nonchalant Padparadscha is with everything on the moon, and how she points Phos to the right direction by being the voice of reason once more. She understands more than anyone how rapidly things can change for the worse, so she begs Phos to think before she acts.

It's also this very same quality that points out that things may have already changed on the enemy side.

But why is Padparadscha going along with Phos so much? Knowing what we know about her now, it should be obvious.

Padparadscha sees Phos as all that she isn't—a reckless, but hopeful, force of change. And she can't help but but go along with her, as it's precisely that same force that allowed her to have a functional body again. Not Rutile's meaningless meaning, but Phos' reckless advance. It's precisely this why she's the only gem to fight for Phos until the very end, despite his instability.

She's happy to see him succeed, and tries her best to mentor him despite feeling incapable for the role, as stated by the character introductions.

Phos, despite doing everthing she doesn't want to do and viewing her as nothing more than an immature child, is her savior, and strangely, it motivates Padparadscha to finally let go and imitate her courage.

Padparadscha's Rage

Every gem changes in the moon, and Padparadscha is no exception.

What's funny though, is that unlike everyone else, who changes because of the influence of the lunarians, Padparadscha changes simply because her condition, her disability, was fixed, and that unleashes the monster that was always there, shown in full display.

Because the apathy she had accepted as a necessity in face of her disability isn't needed anymore—now she can live for herself, she's no longer an object or a reason for someone to exist. She's a person.

I think her breaking point is this scene right here... Rutile isn't refusing to attack Padpa because she cares about her... she refuses to attack the pieces of the puzzle that managed to make her move again—she only cares about that, the object, not the person. This is the epitome of everything wrong with Kongo's society, and Padparadscha loses it in response.

The aggression and indifference she exhibits in her return to earth is a response to the silent but growing resentment she had of Kongo’s society—a society that always neglected the individual in favor of the majority, a society that was unchanging, cruel and impersonalized. In a way, she's just returning the favor, along with repaying her debt to Phos. It's finally the excuse she needed to lose her discretion, her composure.

Padparadscha seems to be more aware of the flaws of Kongo’s society than any of the other gems, and for hundreds of years she was unable to do anything about it. It's no wonder that when she is given her agency back, she goes in a rampage—she can finally act now: she's tired of the charade she's been part of since the beggining of her existence, and, rid of her condition, she unleashes all her potential as a monster into the world that tied her to the ground.

Padparadscha is a Burden

However, despite her rage, Padparadscha did still care about Rutile, deep down. Perhaps, the only meaning Padparadscha allows herself to find at this point is the one she serves for Rutile. That's why she feels bad that she was repaired, instead of feeling grateful.

It's even pointed out in the volume introduction of her final appearance, as that is the redemption Padpa chooses for herself as her last stand—to repay her debts to the two people that meant something for her, Phos and Rutile.

Her appearance on Earth is nothing short of suicidal, showcasing just how deep the gem's self-loathing due to her condition must have been. Imagine waking up, and seeing that once more everything has gone to shit. Phos failed, the gems moved on, and Padpa stayed the same, as always.

This was probably the last straw, which is why she doesn't see herself as a person anymore... she's a gift, for Rutile, a subordinate, for Phos, and nothing, for herself. In a way, she's choosing to fulfill the role she's always had—that of a burden.

With some implicit contempt, she throws a piece of herself at Rutile while distracting her from Phos, accepting her reality.

Padparadscha ultimately chooses to die for the two—she returned what was lost, she reverted the progress back to the status quo... because it's the only way in which she, paradoxically, has found meaning in her life. Meaning in the meaningless burden she was born to carry.

Padparadscha's Samsara

Thus, when she returns as a lunarian, she stays depressed—helping with Rutile's clinic, barely talking, barely existing. She's described as lifeless by implication. She chose the status quo, and that's that.

However, because she still has to live, Padparadscha chooses to value the little things: sleep, a book, and eating sweets.

What others might call laziness, she sees as the only way for living—now rid of her condition, she still chooses not to do anything meaningful, because she understands that whatever she might find meaning is, is as feeble and superficial as everyone's relationships around her.

As shown by the "Party of the End" interview, just as always, the only thing she has to grasp on left is her discretion, her composure—rationality. That's why she's reading a book about a scientific view of the universe.

The last thing we learn about her through this interview is that apparently, she's also a therapist in Rutile's clinic.

And what does a therapist do if not hear people talk about their secrets? About the prohibited truth that will destroy its surroundings, that has to be contained? Padparadscha is repeating her affliction again and again, trapped in the samsara...

While Rutile prospered, Padpa is "content" sticking to her role, lifeless, but by her side. She saw everything, and yet did nothing once more. Despite her brief moment of freedom, now she's nothing more than accessory, as she always was, and, as society and her body dictated, as she should have always been.

Padparadscha gave up, by judging that her life wasn't worth living.