#p19

just woke up, what’s with the p19😭

Went to my sister's after work to use the treadmill. Soph had dance pictures and Patrick had a game at 5 so we cancelled Sunday dinner. Before I left work my sister said Patrick hit a home run. I let them girls out and then Lorelei fell asleep with her head on me. I waited a few minutes then went downstairs and did 20 minute Matty class. The crew still wasn't home and I wanted to see the kids so I decided to do another class and found a 30 minutes RENT class that was really fun. When I was done they were home and my sister was making dinner. She said she wanted to throw something out and I didn't have to answer right away but just think about it. Her best friend who my sister watches her son has a new position at work and her schedule has changed. She was going to ask if I could watch her son on Mondays. I used to have every Monday off to watch Soph then Patrick and still 98% of the time have them off but we can't really have a set day off anymore because of staffing issues. We also found out we are going back to 10-9 hours instead of 11-7. We are already struggling to cover shifts and now we are adding an extra 3 hours to the day. My boss already told me I do have shifts that are 11-930 which not for nothing is a long day and I'll also be alone from 7-930. We did hire a new key holder who started the same day we found out we were going back to our old hours. If something happens and she doesn't work out we are 100% screwed. I don't think she won't like it but you never know. I know she won't be mad if I say no but I also don't know that I can commit. Plus I want to be able to do things this summer and I don't invision myself taking him to the beach or my aunt's pool. Also not going to lie my OCD is bad and the intrusive thoughts are bad. I pretty much decided after Patrick and his aspirating issues that kids aren't for me. The stress and constant worrying was and is still too much for me. I know it sounds stupid but to this day Patrick still knows if he starts choking on his food which still happens more often than I would care for as soon as he can he has to tell me he's ok. I don't know I feel guilty because I love the little nugget and I think of his mom as a second sister and I don't throw that around lightly but I also have to think of the logistics of my own work schedule and life. My sister kind of rolled her eyes when I said I didn't think I'd be able to 100% have ever Monday but she works 3 days a week sometimes 4 and if it is we all have to hear about how she doesn't want to be at work. I don't have that luxury and work five days and my shifts aren't always the best and with extended hours it's going to be worse. I can't make my own schedule times are different.