#p.s.

i feel conflicted abt the “paul wanted to be a father to john” and vise versa. i don’t think either one of them expected the other to be paternal. rather, what they provided to each other is what they lacked in their lives, which is the emotional needs that a lost/estranged/distant family member never provided. this doesn’t mean they wanted to be parent, instead john needed someone who could be his friend (similar to how julia was) but also love and cherish him and stay present throughout it all. on the other hand i think paul needed somebody to be attentive, intuitive, protective, and validating. both of them have deep rooted emotional trauma and i think they equally fostered each other’s good qualities while simultaneously redirecting the not-so-good ones. it was a symmetrical and beautiful balance and each time i come on this app i get sad thinking about how it all ends…