After playing phone tag with the receptionist I finally got hold of T. I am so glad she never gave up on me and each time she left a message she was clear on when she would be able to take the call, each time encouraging me to call back if Id like to.
I tell her I am doing okay. Then I backtrack, tell her I am doing not so great. I am a mess. My life is a mess. I crumple a little bit, baby looks at me and starts to cry so I pull myself together. I cannot get upset - it makes her upset.
We talk - she asks me how I am, how things have been going. I give her a quick update, baby is well, she is happy and fed and has clothes on, sometimes they are clean, no I have no more support, the last service discharged me and the last therapist and me were not a good fit, I really tried but it wasnt working. She says that's okay; seems surprised that I have no support at all. She says she will have to think about what services are available for me that are suitable with baby, and she's more than happy to see me again and I can bring baby with although I’ll have to go back to get a new plan, and get back onto the waiting list. She tells me to go back to my GP and get a new referral to a new service.
All at the moment, too hard. My GP is pushing an increase in meds - I said No. She suggested a psych that lives local to my area; one that could potentially fo house visits (super anxiety inducing - a stranger?! In my house !? I don't think I could deal with it) or at least one that I don't have to drive to. But but but but ... she won't know me. I’ll have to start again. I don't know if I can start again. What if its like the last T who didn't get me at all.
But what if I go back to old T and it's different? (also I feel too fat to show myself to anyone who knew me before and I know this is stupid but this is how I feel). What if she only said that she would see me again to be polite? What if driving there messes with baby’s naptimes? What do I say to my GP?
Gah. I don't know what to do.
This is too hard. Everything is too hard.
