#overtherainbow2

Life In The Slow Lane Part 4: A New Direction

 Thirty minutes after his declaration, John and Kayleigh were seated on the side of her single bed, arms wrapped around each other, while Kayleigh continued to intermittently sob, sniff and ruin the sleeve of John’s shirt. She’d also made her way through half a box of Kleenex Ultra Soft and John was becoming increasingly concerned that at this rate, she was at significant risk of dehydration. “Seriously Kayleigh. You’ve got to stop cryin’” “I know! I just can’t! Every time I look at you. No one’s ever said anything like that to me before. It was so beautiful.” With that she started crying yet again. “Yeah, well I meant every word. I love ya. I’m also really hoping you’ll stop blubbin long enough for me to a) get the feeling back in me right arm, b) avoid the necessity to dry clean this shirt, c) prevent flood damage to the carpet and d) let me kiss ya. That finally made her smile, “I like the sound of option d”. “I thought you might.” The kiss started out as a tentative and tender effort to reacquaint their lips but as was often the case between them, it didn’t take long for it to become more of a heated exchange. Soon they were reclining on the bed, their limbs desperately trying to find the optimum position, like a highly competitive game of Twister. Forgetting that the scope of his performance was somewhat limited by the venue, John attempted to roll onto his back, bringing Kayleigh with him, only to crash unceremoniously into the tiny bedside table, upending the alarm clock and bedside lamp. “Christ! Me elbow! Mother of God woman! You should come with a health warning.” “Never mind your elbow! What about me lamp!? Anyway, you were the one attempting gymnastics.” Moment lost, Kayleigh clambered over John to survey the damage and pick up the scattered items from the floor. 

 Having narrowly avoided catastrophe, John was now comfortably reclining on the bed with a somewhat smug expression on his face. He couldn’t help but grin as he admired Kayleigh’s pert posterior as she bent over in front of him. “I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you this but you’ve got one hell of acute little ass Miss Kitson.” “John!” “What!? You do. It’s a statement of fact. The idea of that sleazy get Rick puttin’ his hands anywhere near you, pisses me off in ways you can’t imagine. How I’m gonna get through this wedding without lampin’ him, I’ve no idea.” Kayleigh found herself blushing at his cheeky compliment. He noticed, “You’re also very sexy when you blush.” Sensing this was heading for, as yet, uncharted territory and curious to discover the exact destination, she decided to play along. “Am I now?” “Yeah. You are.” “You know, one of these days you’re going to have to put your money where your mouth is John Redmond.” “What the Hell does that mean?” “It means you’re all talk and no action. All mouth and no trousers.” “Oh Really.” “Yeah really.” “You talkin’ about Rick because if you are, let me tell you, no one touches my woman. If he wants to keep his wedding tackle intact, he’ll keep his hands to himself from now on.”  “Ooh, here comes the caveman. Your woman?” “Well, Yeah. That’s what you are...aren’t ya?” Kayleigh drew herself up to the entirety of her 5ft 2 ins, “I am a woman John.” “I know you are”. “And even though I can stand up for myself, I do love it that you get all, protective of me. I just think it’s also important that you understand that a woman has needs. This woman has needs.”

 John began to look sheepish. “Yeah but I’m guessin’ they don’t include some lecherous bastard takin’ liberties!” “No. They do not.” “Listen, I know how you feel and I’m not averse to fulfilling those “needs”. Honest I’m not.” Kayleigh scoffed, “Yeah right! I’ll believe that when I see it. If I made a serious move on you right now, you’d run a mile. You’d be off down those stairs faster than Usain Bolt.“ “What makes you so sure?” “Experience. With you, it’s so far and no further. I’ve heard every excuse in the book. “Let’s not rush things”, “Oh heck, is that the time? We’ve got an early start in the morning”. My personal favourite is, “Pat next door’s bringing back me orbital sander”. You’re hot and cold more often than a dodgy boiler John Redmond. It’s like that Victoria Wood song. I’m saying “Let’s do it!” and I half expect you to say “Me mother’s sent a note to say you must excuse me.” John was smiling, “D’ya want me to beat you on the bottom with a Woman’s Weekly then?” Kayleigh couldn’t help but chuckle, “You’re missing the point!” “I’m not. Believe me, I understand. You’re frustrated that we haven’t....you know...” “Oh I know! The word is sex John and frankly if you can’t even say it, I’m more than a bit concerned about you’re ability to actually do it!” “Hey! I can do it. Trust me. I’ve had no complaints” “Well I wouldn’t know, would I? Should I check the reviews on TripAdvisor?” “Don’t be smart”. “I’m not bein’ “smart”. That’s exactly what I’ve got to do, trust ya. I’ve got to trust that I’m not completely wasting my time here. That it isn’t the case that you love me but you’re just not “in love” with me.” The turn of phrase immediately caused him to sit up in bed. The atmosphere changing almost immediately. “Is this about Charlotte?” “No. It’s not about Charlotte, it’s about us.” “Then why are you digging up the past?” “I’m not!” “You are! I told you months ago that was one of the reasons why I broke up with her. You seriously think that’s how I feel about you just because we haven’t slept together yet!?” “I don’t know what to think John.” “Mother of Pearl! I tell you I love you. More than anyone I’ve ever known and you translate that to mean I love you like a mate but otherwise I’m not that fussed!? How about when we’re together? It’s not exactly as though there’s no passion there. I’ve got the bruises to prove it! In case you somehow missed it, I fancy you like mad!” “That’s the point!” “Oh, there’s a point to this? Thank Fuck!” “Now you’re just being a shit!” “Oh, I’m a shit now, am I!?” With that John got up and headed to the door, “Where are you goin’!?” “To wait for you to cool down and to be a shit in the comfort of my own home.” “Fine. Sod off then. All you ever do is avoid the issue.” “What bloody issue!?” “Why you don’t want to have sex with me?!” “I do want to have sex with you!” “So why do you keep fobbin’ me off?!” “TED2!”

 It hung in the air between them for several seconds. Kayleigh looked both confused and aghast and John looked mortified. After what felt like an eternity, the silence was interrupted by a knock at the door, followed by Mandy’s voice, unfamiliar and a strange combination of 1940’s telephonist and vaguely patronising flight attendant, “Eh, sorry to disturb but could I suggest lowering the volume slightly? If I could avoid the necessity for Sex Education with two primary schoolers over the Sunday roast that would be very much appreciated. Thank you.” As they heard her footsteps retreat back down the stairs, Kayleigh tentatively re-opened the conversation, “Ted 2? What the hell does he have to do with our sex life?” “You really fancied him.” Kayleigh was bewildered by this random statement of the blatantly obvious, “Eh, Yeah. I’m not sure you’d find a heterosexual woman with a pulse, who wouldn’t. I also really fancy Jake Gyllenhaal and Bradley Cooper and if I was ever going to reassess my sexuality, you know that Beyoncé would definitely get it.  I’ve got about as much chance with them John, as I do with Ted 2. It’s a fantasy. If I’d wanted to talk to him, unleash my inner cougar and probably make an absolute bloody fool of myself, I would have done it. I didn’t. That’s because sometimes it’s just nice to dream but know that dream will never be a reality. The truth is, you don’t really want it to be. Especially when reality is so much better. I’ve never had much luck when it comes to romance, you know that. I was beginning to think that it wasn’t going to happen for me. That happiness was something I’d always dream about but I’d never know. Then I put my name down for a bloody company car sharing scheme, checked the notice board and Cath Hilton had just helped me win the lottery of life. You came along. You. With all your quirks and imperfections, with all your wonderful and infuriating. You’re my dream come true John Redmond”. Despite himself, he felt teary. As was his habit, he desperately tried to pass it off, “If I’m your dream come true, you mustn’t have much of an imagination.” “Oh you’d be amazed.” She gave him a wicked grin and winked. Despite her reassurances though, John still looked subdued. “Let me tell you exactly what my dream always was. It was to meet a man who made me laugh until I cried. Who didn’t bore me to death. Who listened to my stories, treated me with respect and made me feel valued and special. Who didn’t just see me as some ditsy girl. Someone who was kind and made me feel safe. A man I could love so much it made my heart ache and who I knew loved me too. One that I could actually see myself building a life with. Throw in beautiful, twinkly blue eyes and the loveliest smile, a cuddle and a takeaway on a Sunday night and there it is. My idea of perfection.” “What about a six pack and a tight ass?” “What about them?” “Isn’t that what you want too?” “That’s what all this is about isn’t it? You feel self-conscious.” His sudden fascination with the bedroom carpet said it all. “John. Look at me.” Tentatively he looked up. “I feel nervous too. I keep thinkin’ about me muffin top and Cagney and Lacey aren’t quite the formidable crime fighting duo they once were.” John smiled, “Why do you think I started going to boot camp? I wanted you to see me at my best.” “You’re always at your best and you always will be. You’re the loveliest, most beautiful woman I’ve ever known and every day you’re more gorgeous than the next.” “See that? Right there? That’s better than any six pack and that’s why I love you. You’re not looking for me to change, or be something I’m not and never will be and I’m not looking for you to do that either. I’m not interested in some buffed up gym bunny. I don’t want Ted 2, I want John 1.” “Do ya, really?” She moved seductively towards him, “Yes I do. I Really, really, really do.” With that she kissed him. This time it felt so much less desperate and urgent and so much more relaxed, yet with an intensity that was overwhelming. Within minutes their hands were touching and exploring, with a renewed confidence and the lure of the tiny single bed was immense. 

Life In The Slow Lane Part 2: Changing Lanes 

 She’d bought a killer pair of gold heels. Ridiculously expensive but seriously ferocious. It’d been love at first sight. She wasn’t entirely sure how she’d walk any significant distance in them, let alone pay for them but as was so often the case with Kayleigh, heart had overruled every objection that head could possibly muster. Needless to say, for every pair of shoes, there must be a bag and a matching clutch was added to her purchases. By the time she’d decided to take a load off and grab a brew and a muffin, diet be damned, she’d added a blouse, a cute little sweater and a new pair of trousers to her haul. She’d lingered over some sexy lingerie but even she wasn’t that much of an optimist. As she sat in the cafe alone, her bags arranged in the seats opposite, like silent companions, she watched as all around her, parents pacified grouchy toddlers, friends chatted animatedly, while others checked their phones or, like her, indulged in a spot of silent “people watching”. She’d gotten used to this over the years, sitting back, watching other people’s lives. Whether it was her parents, or Kieran’s revolving door of girlfriends, or Mandy and Steve, or her mates, she always seemed to live vicariously through them. Listening to their various triumphs and frequent tales of woe. Giving advice. Sometimes solicited and other times not. Watching as they coupled, uncoupled and even re-coupled. She’d had her own occasional dramas over the years but most were fleeting. Kayleigh had become accustomed to being in the passenger seat. She savoured the irony. Not much had changed, she thought. Only she could find herself in a relationship that she didn’t fully understand and couldn’t quite define. In love with a man who can’t even say the word “love” without coming out in a rash and whom she often felt was somewhere, just beyond her reach, even when he was right there, by her side.

 A young couple in the corner were engrossed with each other. They couldn’t be much more than sixteen. Holding hands across the table and leaning over for frequent kisses. She couldn’t help but long for those days. When anything and everything felt possible and love was now, real and intense. When you’d yet to be damaged, or humiliated. When you didn’t know how much it could hurt. When you weren’t afraid. The days before “it’s complicated” was an optional status. It all felt so much easier back then. Suddenly a chiming sound emanated from her handbag. Reaching across to the seat beside her, she took out her Blackberry. The message read, “Hi. What you up to? I’m at Big Bob’s with Jim. He’s not as much fun to share me rind with. I miss you. John xxxxx”. Kayleigh smiled and sighed. She missed him too but couldn’t help wondering whether they were actually missing the same things. For her, it was the presence of the man who made her laugh like no one else ever had. Who was kind and thoughtful and made her feel safe and whole. She missed his smile and his laugh and those blue eyes that sparkled with mischief but which she sensed also held an inner sadness she could never quite fathom. She missed that feeling she got every time she saw him. Those teenage butterflies in her stomach. That sense of excitement. That absolute conviction that this was the man she loved. Was it the same for him? Two months down the line, she still wasn’t sure. She felt awkward about being so frank and having raised the whole “sex thing” with Mandy. It was private after all but she just felt so confused. Maybe she was being daft and it was actually a good thing that he wanted to take it slow. He was showing her some respect. God knows, that made a refreshing change but that was just it. It was always about her figuring out what he intended, what he wanted, what he thought was for the best. What about what she wanted? Where did that fit in? When was that considered? It felt as though she was always trying to work out a way to deal with his choices, to accept them. Trying to make his decisions about them and not only about him. To pretend that she’d somehow played a part in it all, when she’d just had to like it or lump it. Her uncertainty caused her to reflect that perhaps the absence of sex, was less about desire, or a lack of it and more about trying to avoid intimacy of any meaningful kind. To retain just enough room, to allow him to run for the exit when it all got too much. Whatever the case, John continued to dictate the pace. To keep them firmly in the slow lane and she remained so desperate to cling to the hope of something more, eventually, when he was ready, that she just went along for the ride. The thought of that exquisite pain of heartbreak, preventing her from making any real effort to articulate her own wishes, or her increasing fears. Now it felt like they weren’t so much “taking it slow” anymore, as stalled and instead of being confident about their eventual destination, she just felt lost. Mandy would say she was over-thinking it all and no good ever came of that. She was probably right but she was also right that they really needed to talk and as much as she feared it, Kayleigh could feel that conversation getting ever closer.

 It was only when she heard another chime from her Blackberry that she realised she hadn’t responded to his initial message. He’d sent another, “Kayleigh, is everything OK? Where are you? John xxxxx”. Shaking herself from her thoughts and seeing his obvious concern, she immediately replied, “Sorry. I’m at The Rock. Just picking up a few things. I’ll call you later. K xx” John’s reply was swift, “Is Mandy with you?” “No. Just me”. “Oh. OK. I was worried when you didn’t reply.” “Yeah, sorry. I’ve only just sat down” “Buy anything nice?” “Just some bits and bobs”. “Feel like modelling any of those bits and bobs for me?” Kayleigh stared at the message, stunned. This was definitely a new development. He’d never been this bold before. She began to second guess herself. Maybe she was reading too much into it. She decided to play it off, “Unless You’ve got a shoe fetish you haven’t told me about, I think you’d be a bit bored.” She added a winking emoji. He replied within seconds, “Depends what you’re wearing with the shoes....or not wearing”, he saw her winking emoji and raised her one with heart shaped eyes. Kayleigh was getting suspicious that all was not as it seemed, “Jim if this is you and you’ve grabbed John’s phone, just know he’ll kick your arse!” Within seconds her phone rang. “Hey. Is that you John?” “Yeah it’s me. You thought it was Jim!?” “I thought it might be yes. It didn’t sound like you. What’s that noise in the background? You outside.” “Yeah, I stepped out of Big Bob’s to call you. Didn’t want to have a private conversation in front of Jim. I mean he’s me bessie mate ‘an all but he’s mouth almighty.“ What’s going on John?“ “I didn’t know anything was. Frankly, I could ask the same of you! Have I done something to piss you off?” “Why do ya say that!?” “I don’t know. Just a vibe I’ve been getting”. “A vibe?” “Yeah, you know, a feelin’. You just seemed a bit stand-offish in your texts today. A bit distant.” “Didn’t come running like usual eh?” It was out of her mouth before she’d thought of the consequences. She was upping the ante. Like a massive cliff edge looming in the distance, they could both see danger on the horizon but it seemed both were powerless to avoid the impending doom. “What the Hell are you talking about Kayleigh?” Well if I’ve been distant, you’ve been bloody weird!” John began to raise his voice above the sound of the passing traffic, “What do you mean “weird”?” “I mean, since when do you want me to “model” for ya!?” “I’m a bloke! I have a drop dead gorgeous woman in my life. Am I not allowed to flirt with ya all of a sudden”!?

 Of course, more meaningless, idle “flirting”. What else could it be? More switching on the ignition, with no intention of going anywhere. Christ, she’d had enough of this pathetic crap. “You know what? I don’t get you John! One minute you’re sending me home like were a couple of teenagers and I’ve got a bloody curfew and the next minute you want me to model me bits and bobs for ya! How the Hell am I supposed to read this!? I just don’t know what’s going on with ya.” “I was just tryin’ to have some fun with me girlfriend! I just wanted to tease ya a bit”. “Isn’t that what you have been doing since we got together? Teasing me.” “What do ya mean?” “I mean I’m confused John. We’re two months in to this “thing” and I have no clue what we’re doing or where we’re going. One minute you’re calling me your girlfriend and snogging me face off on your sofa and the next you act like I’m some sort of guilty secret. “Give over, we’re at work. Give over, someone might see us. Give over, I haven’t told Rose about us yet. Give over, not in front of Jim. I’m not thirteen anymore John. I’m not looking for a “little handy-holdy” boyfriend. You’re clearly not thirteen anymore either.” John immediately got the implication and it stung. “I love you John. I really do. Incidentally that’s a word you still can’t bring yourself to use.” At this point her voice was beginning to crack with emotion. “Maybe you were right John. Maybe I don’t know you after all. I can’t see that changing any time soon because you won’t let me. You won’t let me get close enough to you, emotionally or physically. I told you that I won’t wait forever.” John suddenly said, “Don’t do this Kayleigh, please”. “Do what John? Tell you how I feel? I need to think about all this and so do you. This should feel natural John. It should be growing and developing. Let’s face it. It isn’t. We should be comfortable together. I always thought we were, up to now. I don’t know. Maybe we were only ever meant to be “Car Share Buddies”. Maybe we’ve taken this as far as it can go.” John felt a sharp pain in his chest every bit as acute, if not more so than the one he’d felt in that traffic jam a mere two months before, “Please don’t walk away again Kayleigh. I just need some time. I told you that.” “I don’t think this is about “time” John. I could give you all the time in the world. I think what you want is a “get out clause”. Anyway, I don’t want to have this conversation on a mobile in Costa. I’m gonna go now”. “You’re just gonna say all that, kick me in the balls yet again and not give me a chance to give my side!? Why do you keep running away from me!?” “I just need space to think”. John’s reply was blunt and to the point, “Bollocks to that! We need to talk. I’m not giving up on you, on us.” “Just like the song says eh John?” “I thought you loved that song”. “I do John but I’m beginning to realise that sometimes love...isn’t enough. I’ll see ya.” With that, she hung up, wiped her eyes hoping no other patrons had spotted her tears, she then grabbed her shopping bags and headed for the car park.

She hated arguments. Mainly because she was completely rubbish at them. She couldn’t do confrontation and inevitably ended up in tears within minutes. This time was no exception. It didn’t help that her journey back to Mandy’s had been to the soundtrack of Forever FM’s “Sunday Love Connection With DJ Danny Love”. The whole thing was cheesier than an extra large Margarita Pizza, with stuffed crust, cheese bites, cheesy garlic bread and maybe a fondue thrown in for good measure. She’d held it together through Van Halen’s “Why Can’t This Be Love?” but by the time the late great Whitney Houston had finished belting out the first chorus of “All The Man That I Need”, played with “All my love always” from Leanne in Oldham to Richie in Southport, she was a blubbing mess. That it triggered her memory of John, on their first official “date”, telling her about his dedication to her, that she’d missed by moments, really didn’t help her situation. Try as she might, she found it impossible to be angry with him. Frustrated yes but angry, no. Even if he could never bring himself to fully open up and give her any more than they currently had, even if he could never actually say the word “love”, preferring to make hints and coded references, even if this “thing” was never going to work out, even if he was destined to break her heart beyond any and all repair, it was his to break. It always would be and that was that. 

 As she finally parked up in front of the house that never really felt like home, Kayleigh took a moment to compose herself. Steve was in his usual location, doing exactly what he always did. Rain, hail or shine. Mandy was on the front step next to a large ladder, looking exasperated, gesticulating wildly and intermittently pointing up at the Christmas lights, which had been hanging precariously from the roof for the better part of a year. As Mandy’s tone varied from a “not in front of the neighbours” whisper, to a socially acceptable outdoor voice, to a full on bollocking, Kayleigh caught the general gist of the conversation, even from inside the car. It was best summed up by Mandy’s final, very audible declaration, “You’re a useless dickhead!” Mandy never had any qualms about venting a sense of anger in her relationship. Throughout the entire tirade, Steve had remained his usual sanguine self. Saying nothing and wiping a spanner on his oil stained shirt. She’d never fully understood the dynamic between her sister and Steve. Mandy had the Kitson feisty gene. Steve was utterly passive to the point of comatose. She wasn’t entirely sure how her sister hadn’t strangled him, or died of boredom by now and yet, somehow it just worked for them. She knew how this latest incident would play out. Steve would leave Mandy to “simmer down”, then eventually fix the lights, at his own pace and in his own time. He’d give Mandy a cuddle, whisper something doubtless filthy in her ear, she’d giggle and smack him on the backside and before long, they’d be disappearing up the stairs. Kayleigh would settle on the sofa with a brew, open her iPad, load up Netflix and put her headphones on. All while contemplating yet another night alone in that tiny box room with a cross trainer, 36 pairs of shoes, a set of Babyliss Crimpers and a plastic heart shaped lamp for company. At least now she could add in another pair of shoes, yippee. Steve tapped on the passenger side window, “You gettin’ out sometime today or what?” “You fixin’ those lights sometime this year, you lazy sod?” came her terse reply as she opened the drivers side door. “Don’t you start. I’ve already had it off your sister”. “I know. I heard. I‘m guessin’ they could probably hear it in Dundee!” “Yeah well, Mandy’s got no volume control.” “She’s got more bloody patience than I’d have, that’s for sure. You said you were takin’ them down the day after New Years! They’ve been hanging up there like an afterthought ever since. They almost came down entirely after that bad weather last month.” By now Kayleigh had retrieved her bags from the car and was heading up the driveway. Steve was still surveying their “festive light display”. “I don’t know. Maybe we should leave ‘em as they are. They look like...what do they call it?… shabby chic”. “They look like shabby shit. Mandy’s right. Get ‘em fixed”, with that Kayleigh went inside, leaving Steve to resume his avoidance of the inevitable.

 As she entered the hallway she could hear Mandy “negotiating” with Chloe and Alfie over the evening’s dinner options, “We’re having a roast!” “We want chicken dippers!” “I want a fortnight in St Lucia, all inclusive but it’s not gonna happen.” “It’s not fair!” “No you’re right. Unlike many others, you’re going to bed tonight with full stomachs and a roof over your heads. It really isn’t fair.” “Yeah but we won’t have chicken dippers!” “Your suffering is noted. I’ll call Simon Cowell, see if One Direction want to reform for a benefit gig.” “So, can we have them then?” “Eh...let me think about it...no.” “Muuummmm” “Chlooooeeeee. Both of you, zip it. We’re having a roast dinner. Any more complaints and it’ll be with extra veggies and no Yorkshire’s.” That appeared to do the trick and the pair retreated in defeat. Kayleigh smiled at her exasperated sister. “One of those days?” “Let’s just say it didn’t improve after you left. Sometimes it feels as though I’m tryin’ to manage three kids.” Looking at her bags Mandy asked, “D’ya get what you wanted?” Now there was a question. “I got some shoes and a couple of bits”. “Well then. Let’s see!” Kayleigh produced her purchases to much ooing and ahhing from her sister. “Those shoes will make your legs look incredible! You’ll knock John dead!” Kayleigh’s reaction, or rather lack of it, spoke volumes. “Oh no. Please tell me you haven’t gone and binned him off.” “No! Course not! We just had a difficult conversation earlier.” “Define “difficult””. “I sort of, off loaded on him. I was feeling frustrated and I did exactly what I always hate. I just let it all build up and then got stroppy with him. I don’t think he had a clue what was going on, I didn’t even give him a chance and it all just spiralled out of control. I’m ruining everything!” Suddenly Kayleigh burst into tears. Mandy immediately rushed over and embraced her sister, “Aw, sweetheart.” As she offered what comfort she could amid the loud sobs, Alfie wandered through the hall and declared, “See! Even Auntie Kayleigh wants chicken dippers.” Mandy’s response was swift, “She’s crying because I’ve just told her what’s going to happen if you mention them again!” Kayleigh found herself laughing despite herself. “Listen, I’ve got a roast on. Needless to say, our resident food critics approve. It’ll be an hour or so yet. Why don’t you have a lie down. I’ll give you a shout when it’s ready.” “Thanks Mand.” “You really do need to talk to him Kayleigh. This isn’t fair on either of you. You need to explain your feelings and try to get some answers and he needs a chance to understand you and give his side of things.” “I’ll give him a call after dinner.” “Good idea. It would be such a shame to throw it all away when the two of you just need to get on the same page.” “You’re right sis. I can’t lose him because of this. You know, talking’s always been so easy for us. We’ve never done awkward silences. Now we’ve found the one topic that’s guaranteed to be a conversation killer and it’s the one thing we actually need to talk about.” “Well, get some rest and then take on the unspeakable Wonder Woman.” “I’ll fetch me golden lasso and cuffs.” “Now that’ll definitely do the trick.” Mandy grinned and Kayleigh headed up the stairs in the hope that a quick snooze might help her formulate a plan.

 “Christ! Take it easy Lewis Hamilton!” John exclaimed, as he swayed precariously in the front passenger seat. “I thought you wanted to get there quickly, Miss Daisy!” “I do! I’d just rather it wasn’t in a bloody body bag.” “Can I assume we’re not heading to Bury for you to have a long overdue booty call.” “Not unless it involves her sticking her boot up me arse.” “Well, if that’s how you like it. I make no judgement. Each to their own.” John gave Jim some vicious side eye. “Where’s your sense of humour these days?” “I’m just finding it hard to laugh at the general fuck up that my life has become.” “I thought we sorted this back at Big Bob’s. You love her, you want her, you just need to get over feelin’ awkward and you can crack on.” “You make it sound so easy”. “It is John. You keep on makin’ it complicated and you may as well forget it. Have you ever actually told Kayleigh how you feel about her?” “She knows. She’s got to.” “How? She a mind reader on the sly?” “I wrote her a song for Christ’s sake! It was all about hearts and journeys and colours and shit and I meant every word of it too. What more does she want!?” “Hearts and journeys and colours?” “Yeah, you know, she walked away with me heart, made my journey through life lonely and turned my world to colour from black and white, that sort of thing.” “You’re no Gary Barlow mate.” “That’s not what she said.” “Yeah, well she’s your number one fan.” “You make her sound like a friggin stalker!” “Has it ever occurred to you that maybe she doesn’t want theatrics and riddles. Maybe she just wants to hear you say the word.” “What word?” “LOVE! You bloody idiot!” Why does that matter so much!” “Because it’s a small word that’s about as big as it gets. It doesn’t mean “Iike”, it doesn’t mean “fancy”, it doesn’t mean “You’ll do for now until something better shows up”. It means, you’re feeling it where it matters, where it counts and not just between your legs! It says you could hurt me...maybe even more than I could ever hurt you. That’s what’s freakin’ you out. Isn’t it?” John sighed, “Yeah. Yeah it is. I’d never cried over a woman until Kayleigh. I mean, I’ve been sad before, I’ve even gone off me food.” “Jesus! When were that!?” “Oy!” “Sorry”. “I know now that she can hurt me, more than I’ve ever been hurt before, because she did”. “Now there’s a lyric. Seriously though, do you really think that by just not sayin’ it, you can somehow not feel it. Do you think it’ll protect you? Cause if you think that’s the case, I’ve got one question for you mate...how’s that workin’ out for you?” John put his head back against the headrest and momentarily closed his eyes. It was a silent answer, which somehow spoke volumes. 

 The rest of their journey was spent in companionable silence, interspersed with occasional instructions on which direction to take, from John. Finally, they arrived on the familiar road that led to Mandy’s house, or as John always thought, to Kayleigh. His heart and his brain were currently competing in a race to the finish that neither seemed willing to concede. “It’s up here on the right. Number 25. It might have a green gazebo.” “A green gazebo!” “Yeah. Her sister’s fella Steve’s into fixin’ bikes.” “That still doesn’t explain the gazebo.” “Fuck the gazebo! It’s not even up!” “Alright John! Calm down.” “Sorry, it’s here with the shitty Christmas Lights. Right, this is it.” “D’ya want me to come with you or wait here?” “Christ! I hadn’t thought about that. I don’t know how long I’ll be. She might kick me out before I can get a word in edge ways. Either that or I’ll be here for ages. It’ll be a feast or a famine.” “Well, let’s take it as it comes shall we? You need me to make meself scarce for a bit, I’ll find a Maccie D’s. You can text me when you want me to come back.” “Cheers mate.” “Is that Steve?” “Yeah. He’s sound”. Steve was already waving at John. John and Jim both got out to greet him, “Alright Steve?” “Hey John mate. I wasn’t expecting to see you today!” Furtively looking back at an amused Jim, John attempted a casual reply, “Well, Yeah, we, eh, happened to be in the area and I just thought I’d stop by and say hello to Kayleigh. She about by any chance?” “Yeah, she’s just back from the shops. Front door’s on the snib. Go on in.” “Thanks pal. This is my mate Jim by the way. Jim, this is Steve.” “How do mate.” “How do. Nice bike. Ya can’t wack a Triumph. John’s Dad were into his bikes if I remember rightly. He had a Triumph at one point and...aw what were it called? John! What was the name of that bike your Dad had?” John was already heading for the front door as he replied, “A Land Devil. Steve knows. I gave him some bits from the garage”. Steve replied, “That were very decent of you by the way”. “No bother”. With that John disappeared inside as Steve and Jim stood awkwardly like two spare parts at a wedding. Suddenly Steve produced a flask, “Fancy a brew mate?” “Don’t mind if I do.” Steve poured the tea into the plastic cup at the top of the flask, then refilled his Robocop mug”. “Nice mug.” “Thanks”. Steve looked up to Kayleigh’s bedroom. Jim watched his gaze and followed it upwards in the direction of a window with a heart shaped lamp at its centre. “He in the dog house again?” “How did you guess?” “She gets in a right mood when she’s pissed off with him”. Jim sighed before ruminating, “I think they just need a good talk.” “You ask me they need a bloody good shag!” For a second nothing was said as the two men simply looked at each other, in silence, before they both simultaneously broke into laughter and toasted each other with their mugs. Steve reached down into an ancient biscuit tin and brandishing it in front of Jim enquired, “Hob Nob?” With that, the male bond was firmly created. 

 Chapter 1

The final vestiges of summer had drifted into the shorter days and longer nights of autumn. Before long their daily commute would take place in darkness. Daylight would become a hypothetical thing, glimpsed only at weekends, weather permitting. Those early harbingers of the festive season and imminent hibernation, Strictly Come Dancing, The X Factor and I’m A Celeb, were now in full swing. For Kayleigh, these months of snuggling on the sofa in her onesie watching wannabes and “celebrities” of often questionable calibre, sashay across a dance floor, murder a tune, or eat a bug, had a comforting familiarity. Throw in occasional partying and frequent indulgence and they marked her favourite time of the year. All culminating in the twinkling, tinkling, sparkling joy of Christmas. In contrast, for John, it was traditionally a long, drawn out headache of constant stock takes, impossible rotas, a mountain of turkeys and endless staff arguments about Christmas leave. All to the soundtrack of Slade and Wizzard, drilling a hole through his last nerve. This year was different though. This year, they had a partner to share their journey towards the festive season and for them both, this added a sense of delight and anticipation, that nothing else could equal.

 In the weeks since they had tentatively embarked on their new relationship, things had been progressing nicely between them. They’d had numerous “dates”, from staying in, cooking dinner and watching a DVD dates, to restaurant dates, to the cinema, bowling, a memorable attempt at ice skating (the bruises were almost healed and he swore he didn’t really like those jeans anyway), a pub quiz in which John’s encyclopaedic knowledge of music and Kayleigh’s grasp of reality TV trivia, had won them six bottles of Prosecco and dinner for two at Mr Wong’s Chinese Rib Emporium and a fun night at a charity dance-a-thon. They’d discovered, much to John’s relief and Kayleigh’s delight, that even without the little red Fiat surrounding them, they could still make each other laugh until they ached and they were never short of conversation. Speaking of the Fiat, sadly on inspection it proved to be a write off. Not only had the crash ripped the door clean off its hinges, the chassis had been damaged to the extent that it was pronounced by the insurance company, “not economical to repair”. John was given a final chance to remove any valuables, which consisted of a wooden bead back massager, some rope, a blanket, Now 48 Disc 1 and a cracked CD case containing the second disc, found lying on the road, with a yellow post it note inside. Of all those items, it was the post it note and it’s contents which were truly priceless to him and the only item he’d been desperate to retrieve. On a rainy Saturday morning, he’d asked the scrap yard if he could take a small piece of metal from what was left of the Fiat, as a keep sake. He’d taken a piece that was still distinguishably red and found himself strangely emotional about it all. He’d then driven the hire car to pick up Kayleigh for a long planned trip into Manchester, to look for an outfit for Donna and Rick’s wedding. Later, they would look for a new car together. He wanted her to be involved in his choice. It felt right that she should be. That was how it had progressed between them. There still hadn’t been any huge, sweeping gestures, or promises and commitments made. Instead, it had continued to gradually evolve to the point where they inhabited each other’s lives completely, as though they had always filled the spaces they now occupied. Well, almost completely and unknown to John, for Kayleigh, the “almost” was becoming an increasing cause for concern.

 It had started out as little more than a niggle at the back of her mind. A background noise she couldn’t quite put her finger on but still, it was there. If she had to pinpoint the moment she’d first noticed it, she’d say it was a couple of weeks ago. She’d borrowed Mandy’s Citroen to go over to John’s. He was redecorating his front room and wanted her opinion on the colour scheme. She’d stopped to grab a pizza for them on the way over. She knew him so well by now, that she could order for them both, without the need to check the toppings. That simple thought delighted her in ways she could never possibly describe. Later, she was going to drive him to a Compendium gig, at a pub over in Salford. He’d casually suggested that she didn’t need to stay for the full set, Jim could drive him home. She’d replied that she was in no rush and was happy to stay, she loved to listen to him sing. Putting her arms around him and drawing herself close, she’d sung a few bars of “Come Back My Car Share Buddy” before giggling and seductively whispering in his ear that the idea of seeing him on stage turned her on. Despite this temptation, he’d insisted it was for the best. The venue was a bit rough and after leaving him home, her journey back would be far too long. It would take them a while to pack the equipment up at the end. He really didn’t like her driving so late at night and the weather wasn’t great. There was ice forecast for later. He’d feel much better knowing she was back home, tucked up in bed, safe and sound. He’d text her before she went to sleep. Then he’d kissed her. They were good at that. Kissing. In fact she’d go so far as to say, they were outstanding. They could snog for Britain at this point and their skills at foreplay had reached Olympic standards. God knows, they were putting in enough practice. It was only much later, as she lay in bed recalling the days events and gazing at a text that read, “Nan-Night my little hedgehog xxxxx”, that it occurred to her, that not once had he suggested the most obvious solution to their travel dilemma. She could just take him back to his place and stay over...and there it was. That little niggle had lodged itself in the back of her mind. 

 Since then, it had been firmly cemented in place, by Mandy. A passing remark, one which Kayleigh was certain, her sister could never have anticipated would give her any cause for concern. They were having breakfast on a lazy Sunday morning. Steve had taken the kids to the leisure centre. They had the place to themselves for a change. A chance for a sisterly catch up. Mandy had asked her about her plans for the day. She didn’t have any. The hire car had been returned as John was picking up his new car, first thing in the morning. After much deliberation, he’d decided to stick with the comfort of the familiar and had chosen a new Fiat 500 X. It was slightly different from his late lamented 500 L. A small SUV instead of a hatchback. John liked the driving position and Kayleigh thought it, “looked sportier than the last one”. Once again, it would be red, although a slightly darker shade than before. For John, embracing change still remained a slow process. 

 Kayleigh observed to Mandy that John, “must have asked me about a dozen times if I liked it! I don’t know why. I just have to sit in it. He’s the one who has to drive it!” “Aww. It’s really sweet. I think it’s nice that he wants to involve you in these things. He wants your approval. That’s a good sign in a relationship. Means he sees you as a partner,” Mandy replied. Kayleigh smiled as she sipped her tea, “D’ya hear that one on This Morning?” “Oy, cheeky. I happen to be very insightful when it comes to matters of the heart.” “Of course you are Dr. Mandy”, Kayleigh nodded earnestly. Mandy smiled, “Anyway, you ungrateful mare, things seem to be going well with you two. I was just saying to Steve last night, it’ll be lovely to have John over at Christmas. Have you thought about your plans?” “Plans?” “Yeah, you know. Christmas Day with his, Boxing Day with yours, that sort of thing.” “Bit early to be thinking about that, isn’t it?” “Not really. It’s getting closer and trust me, planning these things is the best way to avoid arguments. Besides I’ll need to know before I order the turkey. Remember our Kieran’s home this year too. Actually, this reminds me of the first Christmas I spent with Steve’s lot.” Mandy laughed as she recalled, “You’ll not be the least bit surprised when I tell you that Steve forgot to tell them I was coming. We were sat around a bird the size of a canary, with his Mum Ann looking daggers at him! I ended up having Spaghetti Hoops on toast for me Christmas dinner! I’d bought her a present ‘an all. She panicked that she hadn’t bought me anything and I ended up with a tub of Johnson’s Baby Powder wrapped in tinfoil. If memory serves, it was already opened! I don’t think I ever told you that.” Kayleigh giggled, “No you never did”. As she reached for the jam, she observed, “I don’t know about planning really, it’s not John’s thing. He likes to just take things as they come. One day at a time. Anything else makes him nervous.” Mandy scoffed, “Yeah, well he’s clearly never cooked a roast turkey with all the trimmings, for eight greedy gobs, has he? Anyway, what’s he nervous about? You’re a couple for God’s sake! I’ve never seen two people so happy. You’re like a pair of lovesick teenagers. You’re together day and night....well, maybe not night exactly.” And there it was. Those four words, “Maybe not night exactly”. For Kayleigh, that background noise suddenly just got louder and was beginning to penetrate her carefully crafted bubble of happiness. 

 The comment hung uncomfortably in the air for what felt like an age until Kayleigh finally reached for it, “Why did you say that? “Maybe not night exactly”?” Mandy sheepishly replied, “Listen sis, I don’t want to pry but I just want you to know, you don’t have to feel the need to come home every night, if you’d much rather, be somewhere else...so to speak. You know I’d never judge you, let’s face it, that’d be a laugh and as for Steve, he’s always thought you two were at it like a couple of rabbits anyway. You’re a grown woman, you’ve got a bloke who’s crazy about you. Enjoy yourself”. Mandy theatrically winked. Now the comment began to make sense. With a frustrated sigh Kayleigh muttered, “Chance would be a fine thing”. Mandy stopped midway through buttering her toast, “You what!? Are you seriously saying that you and John aren’t...that you’ve never actually...you know...” “I do know and no, we haven’t.” “Bloody Hell Kayleigh! There I was thinking you were sneaking around! Resorting to desperate measures. At it in store cupboards at work and havin a bit of afternoon delight over at John’s of a weekend, rather than face the prospect of doing the “walk of shame” past Steve and trying to slip back in here at dawn. All this time....?! How long have you two been seeing each other now?” “Well, we’ve known each other properly for about five months roughly and we’ve been, I suppose what you’d call a couple, for around two.” “What do you mean “suppose”? You are a couple!” “Well. Yeah. Yeah we are”. “You don’t sound entirely convinced. I thought you loved him.” “I do!” “...and he loves you too?” “Yeah. I think he does.” “What do you mean you think he does? He either does or he doesn’t. Has he said he does?” “Well, there was the song and he said he thinks the world of me.” Mandy looked stunned, “Oh, come on! He can do better than that!” “It’s not that simple Mand. You need to know John. He doesn’t do that stuff. For him, that’s big. I’m pretty sure he does love me. I suppose I’m just not entirely sure if he’s in love with me.” Mandy looked alarmed. “I mean, I know love’s not all about sex.” Mandy raised her eyebrows sceptically as Kayleigh continued, “but if he really loved me, would he want to wait this long? I mean, it’s not like I’m not giving him the right signals. I’m like a permanent green light and it’s not as if there’s no passion between us. There is! There’s tonnes of it but every time it looks like we might, take it to the next level, he backs off. I feel like Steve’s f’in bike. My engine keeps gettin rev’ed up and then I just end up over-heated and goin’ nowhere! I feel like I’m throwin’ all this love at him and he’s constantly deflecting it and it’s just getting exhausting.” Mandy contemplated her sister’s dilemma for a moment, then leant across the table and whispered, “Are you sure he’s “capable”?” complete with air quotes. Kayleigh rolled her eyes and replied with her customary frankness, “Yes Mand. He can “get it up” if that’s what you’re asking. Up’s not the problem. The problem is, that for some reason, he doesn’t want to, get it on!” Mandy looked like she was trying to figure out the world’s most difficult maths equation. “You’re sure he’s not gay...because sometimes..” “Yes Mandy. I’m as sure as it’s possible to be that he’s not gay. He told me he isn’t.” “He TOLD ya?! Why’d you ask him in the first place!?” “I didn’t. Big Diane off non-foods thought he was gay before we started car sharing and I just assumed she was right. Which I’ve since discovered isn’t the smartest move. It’s a complicated story. It involves Gloria Gaynor and I can’t be assed going over it all again. Anyway, he’s definitely not gay.” By now Mandy looked vaguely as though she was trying to follow a conversation in a language she didn’t remotely understand. She ruminated. Just as she appeared to finally reach a eureka moment, the sound of the front door opening, followed by Chloe and Alfie’s raised voices and Steve’s cry of “Mannndddyyyy” brought an abrupt end to their conversation. Mandy sought to reassure her, “We’ll talk later OK?” Kayleigh seemed less than enthused by the prospect, “I’d rather leave it to be honest. I’m probably just being daft”. Kayleigh slipped off the kitchen stool, “Listen, do you mind if I borrow the Citroen?” “You going over to John’s ?” “Nah. I think I’ll go to The Rock. I wanna see if I can get a pair of shoes to match that dress I got for the wedding.” “No probs. A bit of retail therapy sounds like a good idea and Kayleigh...” “Yeah?” “Try not to stress this too much. Just talk to him. It’s still pretty early days. You’ve got time. It’ll work itself out. Give it a few weeks and he won’t be able to keep his hands off you”. Kayleigh smiled, “Who knows eh? Hope springs eternal. Thanks Mand.” Her smile faded as she walked out of the kitchen and down the hallway, she just wished she could believe it. 

 After the Salford gig, which had been less than well received by a drunk crowd who’d thought Compendium would be a thrash metal band, Jim had noticed that John was subdued. Fearing the imminent end of their music careers, Jim suggested picking him up the following afternoon and heading over to Big Bobs Munch Box for a Fat Boy and a much needed pep talk. Having no car and no fixed plans with Kayleigh, John agreed. He was nursing a brew and checking his texts on his sofa, while he waited for Jim to arrive. He’d sent Kayleigh a message first thing, “Hope you slept well. I could do with a Kayleigh cuddle. Speak later? xxxxx” Her reply came after ten minutes, “Slept OK. Text u later. xx” That was brief and to the point for Kayleigh. No exclamation marks, no heart shaped emojis or Luv U and he wasn’t going to dwell on the somewhat economical, two kisses. Maybe he was getting paranoid but ten minutes!? Normally she was bouncing back to him within 30 seconds, full of mischief and overflowing with affection. Maybe she was busy, or in the shower, or just otherwise occupied. That’ll be it. He’d been checking his phone ever since, but nothing more. Nothing, except a creeping sense that something wasn’t quite right. 

 They’d had the post mortem in the car. “We need to be clearer about who we are. Less spit and sawdust pubs, more open mic nights maybe”, Jim had suggested. John clearly wasn’t hearing a word. “Or maybe we just say “fuck it” and go full on burlesque. I’ll get us some feather boas, a couple of fans and some tassels”. “You what!?” “That got your attention.” “Sorry, I were miles away.” “I noticed. In Bury maybe?” Jim said with a smirk. “Yeah, maybe”, John replied, with a half hearted smile. After a pause and a glance at his sullen friend, Jim asked, “What’s the matter?“ “I don’t know Jim. I just get the feelin’ I’m screwing this up, again”. “So, I’m guessin’ this isn’t about last night’s gig.” John shook his head. “Kayleigh?” “Yeah”. “Well that would certainly explain why you’ve got a cob on. I thought you two were loved up.” “We are. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” Jim wasted little time in agreeing with him, “She seriously is. This is deffo not one you wanna f’ up. I mean you’re my best pal ‘an all but I gotta tell ya, you’re punch’in like Tyson with this one mate. I mean, Christ! How the Hell did you manage to pull her!? She’s gorgeous, sexy and a right laugh. First time I saw her in those skinny jeans I thought, that jammy bastard! He’s hit the jackpot. I wouldn’t let her out of me sight, or me bed for that matter.” “Yeah, alright! I told you before. Thin ice!” “I’m not tryin’ to disrespect her John. I’d never do that but that’s a lot of woman you’ve got yourself there. You’ll never be bored that’s for sure.” John found himself laughing affectionately, “Nope. Boring she is not.” Silence descended for some minutes before John suddenly added, “Maybe I am though. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m not man enough for her”. “What the Hell!? That’s not what I said and it’s certainly not what I meant!” They pulled up at Big Bob’s. Jim turned to John who was reaching for the car door, “What’s going on here mate?” “It’s nothing” “The Hell it is. It’s definitely something and you need to deal with it”. John sighed and rubbed his hand over his face, then finally relented, “I’m just scared Jim. I’m friggin terrified.” 

 Janet placed the two fry ups in front of them, as Jim looked sceptically at his brew, “Is it just me, or are these mugs getting smaller?” John’s reply was as disinterested, as it was matter of fact, “They’re getting smaller”. “Sorry, you were saying, you had a row, she wanted to define your relationship, you bottled it and sent a text to Forever FM instead. She told you she loved you, you sat on your arse in the car, while she got in a taxi and missed the message”, John looked less than amused at Jim’s blunt summary of events, he continued, “You wrote her a song, she listened to it, accepted your apology and you decided to give it a go but take it slow,” “Yeah.” “You’ve been dating for two months and all’s well.” John hastily corrected, “Better than “well”, it’s great”. “But somehow you’re still terrified about it all and now you’re freakin’ out over a text message that seems pretty normal to me”. “You wouldn’t think it was normal if you knew Kayleigh. She doesn’t do, short and to the point. Not unless she’s pissed off”. “So, maybe you’ve pissed her off.” “How!?” “She’s a woman John. Trust me there are many, many ways. Did you forget something? A birthday, an anniversary, to tell her she looks good, changed her hair, bought new shoes, lost weight?” John looked anxious, “I don’t think so!” “She’d have mentioned something if it was that important to her. We talk about everything.” Jim looked at him ominously, “Not necessarily. I can see you have much to learn Grasshopper.” Jim shoved another piece of sausage in his mouth. “How’s the sex?”