#outdated version

Reisen doesn't like the quiet. She appreciates it, but she doesn't trust it. She can't remember the moon ever being like this, not after the invasion that started the lunar war. On Luna, in the last few months she was there before she fled, silence like this would almost certainly mean danger.

Reisen slumps down against the side of the corridor after she exits the windowed room. A small earth rabbit skips along the hallway, but darts away quickly when she sees Reisen. And Reisen can't blame her, can't blame any of the other rabbits. She's too different from them in too many ways. Her ears stick up too much, and her eyes are too red and disorienting. She doesn't speak the same way they do, and Eirin treating her as an assistant rather than a pet isn't helping. She knows they can all smell the lingering remnants of death and war on her, the very things she herself is running from. And, most importantly, the moon. The parts of Luna she still voluntarily carries with her are special to Reisen. Luna, her home. Not Luna, the war zone. Her master and the princess, although also from the moon, have been on Earth so long that they don't have the same effect. But Reisen can tell the earth rabbits don't like being around her, specifically.

Even the one in the pink dress. Tewi. Tewi, who she formally shares a surname with, hasn't talked to her either. She sometimes sees the tiny rabbit girl peeking at her from behind corners, or staring at her out of the corner of her eye, but Tewi quickly vanishes whenever she sees Reisen notice her.

It would be nice to have a friend, Reisen thinks, leaning her head against her knees. But friendship was never her priority, coming to Earth. It was always survival.

She's starting to get lost in her thoughts, drifting into ruminations about Eientei and Gensokyo. There are so many things she doesn't have time to think about during the day while she's helping Eirin. The rabbits. Tewi. The princess. Her master. The youkai and humans who sometimes visit, asking for medicine.

And then, suddenly, there's the slam of a door being thrown open, piercing the night, and Reisen jumps.

***** 

Reisen startles easily. Most rabbits do. But ever since she got to Eientei, it's been much, much worse. She can't sleep, and if she does it's fitful. She has to be on guard. It's almost like she's scared of everything, dizzy and sick and constantly, constantly waiting to be found, to be taken back to Luna. Deserter. Whenever she thinks about it her heart pounds and she shakes and her chest tightens and she can't breathe.

They're here. They found her and they're here. Who else would be at Eientei so late at night? Have to protect the princess and Eirin. You promised. Have to—she thinks, but she's frozen still, her heart beating so loudly and quickly that she can hear it pounding inside her head. She tries to tell herself to calm down, but it's like her brain is stuck. Nothing works. She feels like she's dying. Like her heart will beat so fast it'll just stop.

Maybe, she thinks as her throat closes up and she squeezes her eyes shut, somewhere inside of her, she wants to die after all.

“Inaba?”

Kaguya is leaning down, peering at her. In the dark hallway, her skin gives off a pale, soft glow, the mark of her royalty on the moon. The chill she brings with her tells Reisen she's been outside. More than likely, she was the one who came in. “Oh! It's you. Reisen. I'm sorry, I have a difficult time telling the earth rabbits apart.”

Princess, Reisen tries to say, but her voice won't work. It comes out a stuttered mess of incoherent sounds before she gives up.

“Are you alright?” Kaguya asks, quieter. She kneels down by Reisen's side, and Reisen notices her skirts are torn and stained with fresh blood. She smells like murder. It's a scent Reisen knows all too well, and it makes her stomach turn. Kaguya seems to be acting like everything is normal, though. Maybe, for her, it is. Reisen doesn't know. Kaguya reaches out, softly touching Reisen's shoulder for a second. “You're shaking. It isn't the cold, is it.”

Reisen presses her face back into her knees. She can't answer, can't look at the princess, especially when it seems like Kaguya already knows. She's already figured out Reisen's all wrong in the head.

“Um...” Kaguya wrings her hands. “I was on my way to get a cup of tea. Would you like one?”

Reisen lifts her head slightly to shake it in a no. Anything to get Kaguya away from her. She can't let her master or the princess see her like this. If they do they might decide she's weak, a problem, not worth keeping. How are you supposed to be useful if this happens? she thinks to herself, hearing it in Eirin's voice in her head. Useless. A useless, scared, replaceable rabbit. Not what she wants to be.

Kaguya kneels down close to Reisen. “You know, I used to get like this too, a long time ago,” she says, barely a whisper.

Reisen jolts, looks up, eyes wide.

“Just remember to take deep breaths, okay?” She smiles. “Can you come to the kitchen with me? It's not an order, but I'd like to make sure you are alright.”

Reisen considers it, and then nods, shakily standing, to follow Kaguya down the dark corridor.

 *****

Kaguya lights several candles in the kitchen, bathing the small room in a warm glow. She fills the teapot, sets a small fire under it. Reisen dutifully watches, finding the familiar movements calming. Already, she's feeling her heartbeat begin to return to normal, sitting at the table. She realizes, much too late, that she should be the one brewing tea, but when she brings it up, Kaguya just laughs.

“You can rest, Inaba. I was going to make it for myself in the first place.” She sets the pot on the table, and pours out two cups, first for Reisen and then for herself.

“What happened to you?” Reisen asks as Kaguya's setting the cups down.

“Oh. This?” She gestures to her skirts. “It's nothing. Just a little scratch for someone like me. My wound has already healed. I was with a person I, ah, fight once in a while.”

“The blood...”

“Not mine. Most of it.” Kaguya swirls the tea in her cup with her finger. “I could get changed, if it's bothering you.”

“There's no need—” Reisen starts to say, but Kaguya's already risen from the table.

“It's a good idea anyway!” she calls over her shoulder, leaving Reisen on her own in the dim, warm room.

When Kaguya returns she's in a set of fancy-looking red pajamas, and she's brought a quilt with her. “Sometimes the other rabbits get a little cold when the seasons change. Even though we’ve passed the worst of it, I didn't know if your room was warm enough. This is for you,” she says, passing it to Reisen over the table. Reisen thanks her, and holds its heavy cotton weight in her lap. “So,” Kaguya says, sitting down again, “what happened to you? I know moon rabbits aren't nocturnal, so what are you doing up at this hour?”

“I just couldn't sleep,” Reisen says, but Kaguya shakes her head.

“I mean, why were you shaking? Like I said, I've had that happen as well, and I know that, in my case, something always caused it. So... if it's something you can talk about, I'd like to hear it.”

Reisen looks to the ceiling. Her fears would just seem so small to the princess, she worries. A waste of time.

“Or, if nothing caused it, that’s… that’s alright too,” Kaguya says softly after a moment of silence.

“It wasn’t nothing,” Reisen mumbles.

“Has this happened before?” Kaguya asks, not pressing the subject. Reisen’s thankful, almost, that she doesn’t have to talk about it. She makes a soft affirmative noise.

“Ah,” Kaguya sighs. “You should talk to Eirin about it. She’s very good with these things, and I’m sure you have seen her skill with medication. I know she could make something to help you, if that’s something you want.”

“I don’t… I—” She can’t find the right words. Too much is happening at once, and her voice sticks in her throat, and she feels like she might cry.

“Inaba,” Kaguya says, soothing and calm. “Can I give you a hug? Would that be okay?”

Reisen still can’t meet Kaguya’s eyes, but she can see that the princess looks both anguished and sympathetic. “I think so,” Reisen mumbles. “No one's ever...”

Kaguya stands up, takes the short few steps to where Reisen sits, and gently wraps her arms around the moon rabbit. Reisen breathes in involuntarily as the silken red folds of the princess' shirt envelop her. Kaguya smells like bamboo and clean softness and, faintly, of smoke and crisp cold night air. She strokes Reisen's back, and after a moment Reisen moves to hug Kaguya too, pressing her face to Kaguya's shoulder. Her long rabbit ear brushes against Kaguya's cheek, but Kaguya doesn't seem to mind.

“It's alright,” Kaguya says quietly. “It will all be alright. Are you scared of the Lunarians sending emissaries back to find you?”

“Yes,” Reisen whispers, after a long moment. She knows if she speaks any louder her voice will crack, and Kaguya will know she's going to cry. Being held, being so close to another person, is enough to bring her to tears in this state.

“You know,” Kaguya says, just as softly, “I was always so scared Eirin and I would be found out down here.” Reisen’s eyes widen, but she lets Kaguya continue. “I knew how ridiculous it was. We’ve taken great care in sealing this place away from Luna. We have lived here for almost a thousand years, and no one has ever come looking. At least, if they have, they've never found Eientei. And,” she sighs, “Eirin’s done… unspeakable things in the name of protecting me. Protecting us. But still, I worried. So much it brought me to… much the state you were just in.”

Reisen feels a single hot tear spill out, soaking into Kaguya's shirt, and she pulls away out of the hug. Kaguya seems not to mind, letting Reisen go naturally. “I found this place so easily, though,” Reisen counters, eyes on her own hands over the quilt in her lap.

“Ah. That was Tewi. She saw that you looked lost and granted you some of her good fortune. It usually helps people get out of the forest, but I guess what you needed was to stay hidden in it.”

Reisen can't believe it. Tewi? Tewi saw her? And, by some miracle, led her to Eientei? This must be a misunderstanding of some kind. Tewi always darts away from her. Tewi couldn't have possibly...

“And also, there is this. Inaba, how many soldiers were in the army of moon rabbits?”

“Thousands, certainly,” Reisen answers right away.

“Are they still as disorganized as I remember?”

She has a point. Reisen makes a soft noise of agreement.

“I doubt they would go looking for one missing soldier, then. And even if they did, and they somehow found this place, Eirin wouldn't let them get to you. Like I said, she's..." Kaguya trails off. "I hope she never has to kill for my sake again. But I know if it came down to that, she would do the same for you.”

“I'm just a rabbit,” Reisen protests. “I can be replaced...”

“Well, yes, you are a rabbit,” Kaguya agrees. “But you're special as well. You are like me and Eirin. We're fugitives from the same place. And that makes you important. The earth rabbits don't share that,” she says quietly, and then pauses. “Anyway, you're safe here,” she finishes, sounding brighter. She takes a sip of her tea, then upends the cup and gulps it.

“Thank you,” Reisen says, looking down at her untouched teacup.

“It's not a problem. I just did for you what Eirin used to do for me whenever I got scared.” Seeing the look on Reisen's face, she chuckles. “Yes, Eirin can be comforting, in her own way. She just prefers not to show it to others most of the time.”

All Reisen can think to say is “Oh,” and it makes Kaguya smile.

“Well, I'm going to my room,” she says. “I will be up for another few hours, so don't be afraid to come see me if you need anything. Even if you’re just feeling lonely. I’ll be there.” Kaguya exits with a small flourish, and Reisen listens to her padding down the hall, still sitting with the cup of tea. She doesn't drink it until it grows cold, and her eyes become heavy.

It's a bright and sunny day, and Parsee feels like utter shit.

She's only gotten out of bed today to draw the blinds in her room, and then drape blankets on top of them for good measure. Her head is pounding, and stray sunlight isn't going to help, so she's buried herself under the covers. She doesn't want to think. If she thinks it will only mean she'll start hating herself more. And why shouldn't she? She's... not good. No one would miss her if she was gone. They would probably be happy, actually.

The unexplainable sadness is crushing down on her when there's a knock on the door. Parsee pretends to be asleep. "Parsee? You awake?" Shit, it's Yuugi. Shit, shit, shit, she was supposed to go on a date with Yuugi today. And she forgot. Shit. She's the worst, the very worst, doesn't deserve to even have a girlfriend. "I'm gonna come in." Parsee stays motionless as Yuugi opens the door and crosses the room, sitting down on the bed next to Parsee's curled-up body. She delicately pulls the blankets back, and the next thing Parsee knows, Yuugi's blowing in her ear.

"Hah! Knew you'd be awake. Your front door was open."

"What are you doing here," Parsee asks flatly, staring at the wall across the room.

"I wanted to make sure you were alright, since I didn't hear from ya."

"I'm not feeling well. Sorry."

"What's wrong?" Her voice has turned caring. "Can I get anything for you? Like, uh, I brought Cheez-Its. And I can make some pretty good soup—"

"'M not hungry." Parsee rolls over so her back is to Yuugi. "You should leave."

"I don't want to," Yuugi replies, matter-of-factly.

"Go. Please, just go. You're better off without me. I don't want you here." It stings a bit to say, but she's only trying to protect Yuugi from being hurt by her in the long run.

Yuugi's quiet for a moment. "Nah."

"I mean it! Leave. Just, just go." Her voice is starting to crack, but she's willing herself not to cry, not in front of Yuugi.

Yuugi starts to stroke Parsee's hair gently. "Not unless you tell me what's wrong." "Don't touch me," Parsee mumbles, but it's a halfhearted request. Nevertheless, Yuugi draws her hand back, but Parsee can still almost feel it. Phantom touches.

Yuugi waits. It takes Parsee a moment to realize she wants to know why Parsee's not feeling well. Whatever. Not like she could help anything. She doesn't know what it's like to constantly fight her own mind and lose. Parsee's jealous. She wants to be normal. Normal. Not fucked up. This is fucked up, she's all wrong and broken and—

"It's just a bad day," she says quietly, and that's true, but almost every day is a bad day, and that's when she breaks down and starts to cry.

"Oh, Par," Yuugi says, hoisting Parsee up into a hug. Parsee doesn't resist this time, and lets herself cry against Yuugi's chest. Yuugi rubs her back, and murmurs soothingly to Parsee as she cries. Parsee dully realizes that she's never been held while she cried before, and it makes her cry harder, though it also fills her with a funny feeling. When she's mostly calmed down, Yuugi breaks the silence by asking if she wants any tissues. Parsee sniffles, but makes a declining noise. "Do you want to talk at all?" Yuugi asks quietly.

Parsee thinks for a moment before making her decision. "I..." How to say it? How to explain the crushing awful sadness and misery to someone as carefree as Yuugi? "I really... hate myself," she whispers. 

    "I love you, though," Yuugi replies, and it seems to surprise them both. "I mean, uh, I guess I just don't understand, because I always see the best in you? Somethin' like that. What's there to hate?"

Parsee slumps a bit, though her heart is still a bit excited at Yuugi suddenly saying she loves her. "I didn't choose to be this way."

There's a long pause before Yuugi says, "Maybe you're depressed. Does your dad know?" "Wouldn't care," Parsee mumbles. "He's got his own problems... I shouldn't have said anything to you either, you probably have other stuff to worry about—"

"Parsee," Yuugi says sharply, and then, softer, "I care. I want you to be happy."

"I can't," Parsee says into Yuugi's shoulder.

"Then, how can I help ya? What do you want to do?"

Die. The thought is so strong in Parsee's mind that she can't think of another answer, even a bullshit one, to pacify Yuugi. I want to die I want to die I want to die. But she doesn't say it, just presses herself against Yuugi, and Yuugi hugs her tighter in response. Yuugi's body is so warm, and her scent and the feel of her strongly toned muscles are calming. Parsee wishes she could just forget about the whole world and stay just like this with Yuugi. Because, here, she isn't jealous, not of anyone. Why would she be? Yuugi is holding her. Yuugi wants her. Yuugi loves her.

"I'm sorry, Yuugi," Parsee whispers.

"'S alright."

"I love you."

Yuugi chuckles. "I love you too."

  True to her word, Yuugi does make good soup. And after Parsee's eaten, Yuugi manages to convince her to get out of bed. She asks a couple times if Parsee wants to be left alone, but Parsee gets the feeling that if she says yes Yuugi won't leave anyway, and besides, she's starting to feel a little better with the company. Yuugi doesn't push her to do anything, just kind of nudges her in the right direction. She's glad to have Yuugi there with her, glad that Yuugi isn't upset that her problems got in the way of their date.