#ouchmyheart

“I was wrong about you, Izabel,” I whisper near her ear; the pain engulfing my insides. “I am the ticking time bomb. I am more unstable than I ever could have imagined. You are discipline, and I am rage. And the only way I know to control the chaos inside, is to eradicate the things that control me.”

Hey, so I know that you're busy packing for your big trip (100 days wut), but I've been meaning to catch up with you and unfortunately, with our busy schedules and what not, that may not happen before you leave. At any rate, I just wanted to share a few things with you, and keep in mind that this might be on the long side, so feel free to read all of it at once, some of it now and later, or even none of it, it's totally your choice! 

I suppose I should begin by congratulating you on everything you've done over the past year or so. It's incredible to me that you've found so much genuine happiness doing what you love, and I couldn't be happier for you. I'm definitely a bit envious! You have shaped your own world by doing what you love, and it's the least that I can do to wish you the utmost success. Like I've mentioned before, I definitely feel a bit trapped at times because of the constant work/school routine that I've been caught up in, and once I graduate in May I want a fresh start somewhere. Could be here, could be 1000 miles from here, I'm not really sure and admittedly that scares me, but it excites me more than anything. 

But that's neither here nor there. The main points that I wanted to talk with you about - in person, hopefully - are sort of confusing to me even now, despite carrying these thoughts for the better part of six months now. So please try to hang in there with me, because the things I'm about to say are bound to seem a bit crazy and you may not understand everything, but feel free to ask me if you have anything to add. 

Maybe I should start at the beginning. So do you remember that one day, late October, when you and I were walking around in my neighborhood? You were visiting with X and Y for an adjustment, I think, and we decided to take a walk. During that walk, I expressed to you a feeling that had been eating away at me for a few weeks before that. I told you that I loved you. It was simple, so terribly simple and yet I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from my chest. Until that point, you had already told me that you loved me a few months prior and I left you in a sort of limbo because I had some insecurities from previous relationships and building walls in front of myself is one of my favorite hobbies. But, despite my anxiety and better judgment, I mustered up the courage to tell you how I really felt. And don't underestimate my saying that to you; the word "love" to me is an understatement. If you could manage to package all of your feelings, all of your sentiments and passions about another human being into a tiny, almost microscopic gift box, then "love" is what that box would look like. And so I told you that I loved you. By that point, we weren't dating any longer, but to me it didn't matter anymore, I said it and it was true. 

Flash forward a year or so and you had been dating Z for a while. I've never met Z in person, so believe me when I say that I have nothing unkind to say about the guy. I have no qualms with him, no issues, nor do I wish him any ill will. Quite the opposite, in fact, because I'm absolutely ecstatic that dating him has allowed you to pursue the "you" that you want to become. While dating Z, you have been across the country, up and down mountains, through the woods and all the way back again, and once again, I can't help but feel a bit envious at your wanderlust. I can't tell you how many times I've been scrolling through facebook only to see another one of your pictures, and sit back and grin because of how silly I felt. In the scope of things, and probably much to your surprise, I'm remarkably caught up on your life and your relationship because of my mom and other people. As I said before, it makes me unbelievably happy to see how well you are doing not only for your relationship with Z, but also for yourself. 

Here is where things start to get rocky, however. By all means, keep reading, but if you wish to avoid anything sappy or if you've grown tired of listening to me drone on and on, then feel free to go about your business. 

Things with me haven't been too crazy. I've been in two relationships since we broke up that Fall. The first one was rather unexpected, and developed out of mutual friends in a way that I never would have thought possible or practical. She was best friends with one of my other best friends, and it just felt, I don't know, "wrong"? It didn't really have anything to do with the fact that she was bisexual, which had its own quirks, but after the first few months I began to notice that the passion really wasn't there. I've always found it funny after the honeymoon phase how quickly you begin to notice if a relationship will last or not. Anyways, we had a falling out and that was that. The second relationship was with a girl from school that I shared some interests with; she's an English major like me and well, that was sort of it, really. I thought towards the beginning that we had a lot more in common, but as the relationship went on I began to realize that we really had nothing at all in common. Which wasn't so bad, really, because we were both mature enough to realize that was the case. I still talk to her occasionally, but I can't really say that we're friends anymore, more like acquaintances. 

That relationship ended four months ago and here we are now! It might be worth mentioning that I place a weird value on relationships, in that they always manage to teach me something about myself that I didn't know beforehand. But that wasn't the case with either relationship; in both instances, I don't honestly feel like I learned anything. I stagnated, if anything, and wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn't seem to enjoy the company of very many people. I contemplated if I was depressed or not. I've been taking these vitamins every morning to give me the nutrients that I'm probably missing. But long story short, I just didn't really - haven't really - felt a certain way, a way that I don't know, that I'm "supposed" to feel? How are we "supposed" to feel? Happy? Content? I don't have an answer to that question, but I do know that I haven't been either of those in a long time. For the longest time I wondered why that may be, and my frustration only led me to believe that something was wrong with me. 

Around then is where the dreams began. I've been having really vivid dreams about the people I know, the things I've done, and some things that have yet to happen. I suppose I should mention up front that I have dreamed about you a significant amount, but please don't take that the wrong way. I'm not being obsessive or psychotic when I say that, if you can believe me. It's just a fact, right? My subconscious enjoys you, and what, misses you? Is that why it happens? I don't have an answer. But regardless, it's would be a lie for me to say that I haven't thought about you in the time that we've been apart. I've thought about you a great deal. 

So that leads me to this letter. Why, you may ask, am I writing you a letter almost two years after we've broken up to explain all of this? I'm taking it on a gamble, really, because you have just returned from a six month trip and are about to embark on a four month one. If I didn't write you this letter, then I promise that I would regret it every day that you were gone. If I do write this letter, I'm not sending it with any outlandish intentions. I really don't intend for this to be a "please come back to me!" sort of affair; I'm not naive, I know that you are in a happy relationship with Z and I intend to respect that. I'm not writing this to change your mind about me or to change your decisions. I'm writing this to you because I don't feel that I can be myself until I explain to you how I am feeling at this point in time. 

You may wonder what that has to do with you, and you may be right, but in some weird sort of way I can't help but still think that we are connected on some level. You know the sort of level that you can go for months at a time without seeing or hearing from another person, and yet you still feel that they are there? Like a constant presence, so familiar, and something you can just "feel" in the air. The sort of feeling where if you walked into a large area that I happened to also be, I would instantly know by your what, your aura? Again, I don't have all of the right words, but I'm trying to articulate to you how I feel. 

What you need to know is that what I said in the beginning of this letter is still true. I still love you, and I love you deeply, and wholly, and I love all of your quirks, and your edges, and your charms, and your imperfections. I love the way you say things, and the energy you have, and the way that being around you has the capacity to lift me up from whatever funk I'm in from time to time. I love how caring you are about even the most minor things, and how passionate and eager you are to learn about our world and your place in it. I love your smile, and your scarves, and your obsession with waterfalls and native american symbols. 

Finally! Updating this after millions of years of nothing.