#others..

No more hair on the lower parts of the body, and when it all comes back in the matter of minutes, I'll be reminded of my skins irritated surface.

I hate my soft skin, more vulnerable and appealing.

What was my body made for if i was only designed to be given to another?

No matter insides of pants or shades of skin.

I dont want to be born and live through a reality where my hands will have to hold someone else's. I cant walk into a restaurant without the burden of gray haired people doing all they are good for.

I'm almost immune from having to shrug off this awareness for so long, but my own mind tells me what I'm wrong for. It's the only thing I'll ever listen to.

Weight, Hair-length, and Confidence.

One day without makeup is selfish and selfless.

How many days in a year will I wake up for myself and not the other people in my house?

What will happen when they aren't? And who will care enough to know that I did?

The one you look out for in your mind has no clue who you are and no idea you breath through the same lungs.

I'm unsure what to do now in this quiet house full of responsibilities, up and down all day that I'm lonely as soon as the hour is mine.

I boil it down to another misshapen in my life that'll affect me forever, just as all the others have now.

I'm sorry.

I'm very sorry.

So many of these things keep me from who I am, some I can remember and some that I can't. Don't let my tears make up what we couldn't have been because even in my mind, i had no idea what that was to begin with.

I am a reopened wound that has made friends with dirty glass but I cant see anything past that.

Not bandaids and not bandages.

Only a small pain that comes and goes. As all things do.

..........

I am one step closer to death and a few away from who i once way. I don't cry on my birthday, but at the end of the day, I weigh a heavy heart.

Sweeping crushed confetti off of the dance floor and taking off my party dress. I will dance the night away and go home to be normal.

One day to celebrate my lungs first breath then for the world to punch it right out of me.

Or so I thought when I was young, I am one step closer to death but I'm understanding him more and more.

I will accept the punch and taste the flavor of your knuckles' hate on my tongue, something thats tangy with the metalic blood dripping from my broken nose. I will never like the thought of you, but I can't avoid you so I will love you.

Every wrinkle. Every tear. Every scream.

Every moment I wished to not be here.

I will love it until I am buried under my wishes. My journey has been long and tiring but there is so much more of that to come.

Cameras will capture my last moments of youth and i will hold them in my pocket until it weighs a ton, tearing a hole falling so deep into the ground i cant even see it anymore.

Happy Birthday to Me.

..........

I will listen to music and write my heart out till i run out of ink from every pen.

I am a whisper in a crowd of snails and an echo in a thundering storm.

I am a longing ghost who haunts a mansion doing kind favors for those who take me in, no matter if i was there first.

I will kiss the forehead of my friends and cry on friday nights.

I will express myself in ever way i can to avoid sorrow and strive for all that i want to be.

I am, whoever i am.

If thats me or whoever they see me as.

I speak words of faith and grow a grey hair every stressful week.

I will age into something beautiful and watch the flowers sprout in this upcoming spring, no matter how many times i sneeze.

I will read quietly, ponder constantly and smile always with friends.

I am whoever I am. As long as i know that, i know where I am.

..........

Sitting in the silence of the sky, on the swing set only for you and me.

I'd only ever dreamed of a moment like this once, but before with eager hands full of anguish.

This time of care, its new but not unusual.

Everyone is beautiful (you especially), but your pain makes my heart swell.

Not love to say but in a need to take your mind off of things.

I'd give my body to you so easily, but not in pity but in a restful need. I would have tumbled to the ground or lifted your body to the fence.

Its unfair to someone but who's to care?

Anyone can toss around the 'L' word and not mean it, others say it to fill in empty space, but most speak from their gut.

You speak from your gut.

I would watch your hair sway in contrast of the trees, be your blowing wind in the unforgivable park.

I may not be your first thought but i am your brone.

'One of your best friends', a title i hold dear.

Not till the end, because we are only just the beginning.

..........

Some sort of labyrinth full of things I am so unsure of.

I cant even make out my own handwriting sometimes.

I feel like Im doing this over and over again.

But things don't have to be like this.

Maybe I was in denial growing up, will the rest of my life be the stages of disbelief?

Or will I feel this sense of longing till the end of my time?

What will it take? How long will it? To understand my fruit?

Pick everything out and take the time to remove each problem.

Till I am cleaned and pleasing to take upon.

But I believe I am a pomegranate.

Messy and somewhat annoying.

But I'm so sweet with the sour tang that is so craved for.

Even if I can't remove all my seeds to please others I try. Surprisingly they don't mind, it's okay to have these seeds.

I will cover your hands in me, tearing me apart to see my heart, and my adore (indulge in?) me to the core.

I am happy to know I'm accepted, even if I'm tiring to pick from or soiling to open up.

Maybe it's worth it and so am I

..........

I hate the feeling of internal regret, my organs weep and cry but not as loud as my head.

Is going off the grid so young so dangerous?

Bidding all farewell and giving two looks back to those I could never explain everything to.

Which was very few.

This is inauspicious and insufferable, please bury my body in the sand and so you all may run and jump with joy over my grave.

In innocence and love forever.

Let the turtles lay their eggs in my stomach and leave my body without light.

I am insufferable and malice, my insides only ever give illness amd throw up nothing but disease and confusion. While my ribs crack and my spine shatters with a loathing empathy.

If you will, will you bother to leave space for me on the ride home? I yearn every day of the year, looking for a home where ever that may be.

Who ever it is, i need it more than it needs me.

You may throw me out like a gust of wind after everything is done, my mouth gave blindly and I'll be willing to swallow my eyes this time.

No, this is not an apology or a goodbye but a message to those i walk behind.

Always more I than them.

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