#ostracizing

Odd as it may sound, I actually do believe this.  Ostracizing someone is meant as an insult, to humiliate them, to exclude them from something.  It is not pleasant when you have it occur, and you usually wish to melt into the floor/wall/background.  But if you take it in the proper light, it can make you a much stronger person.

Taking these points one at a time, let's break it down.

Insults - Why do people insult you?  The common reasons are because you are different.  You are taller, or shorter.  Fatter, or thinner.  Smarter, or slower to learn thing.  Have an excellent memory, have a poor memory.  Are popular, or unpopular.  Are red, white, black, green, brown, yellow, or purple.  It doesn't matter what, except you are different than someone else.  So, they turn that cold shoulder to you and ignore everything you do.  This is a GOOD thing, in it's own peculiar way.

Humiliation - Why do some people heap humiliation on someone else?  The common reasons here are because of jealousy, lack of understanding, or general stereotypes that degrade the person being humiliated.  This can be because of ethnicity, skin color, religious beliefs, personal achievement, family status, or any myriad of issues.  Again, this is something that helps you grow and become stronger if looked at properly.

Exclusion - Why are some people excluded, and others included?  Popularity.  Flat, plain and simple.  But, popularity comes at a cost.  Are you willing to pay it?

It is good, because it makes you push harder, drive yourself relentlessly to achieve what ever it is that the others want to see when they look at you.  You go out of your way, searching within yourself for the acceptability of the cost the other person demands for you to be included in their group.  In this way, it makes you a stronger person.  Strength is not always defined by your muscles.  It can also be defined by how sure you are of yourself.  How much you know yourself.  Or even how comfortable you are within your own skin.  Because, in order to become what someone else wants, you have to know what you are first.  The mask may only be skin deep, but it is also a framework for you to use in your own personal growth.  And, real growth is not pain free.  There are stumbles and falls.  Trips, and embarrassments.  Failures and successes.  But, unless you are striving to be something you deem worth the cost, you will never learn these truths.

If you find yourself under the humiliation heap, take a good look at the person doing the heaping.  No, you will not be a happy camper, heck, you may be one of the maddest, most hurt campers on the face of the earth while it is going on.  But, you can take this opportunity to explain to yourself (and the one doing the humiliation if you can get them to sit still long enough to actually listen) what is wrong with the humiliation you are experiencing.  But, in order to make THEM understand, first YOU have to understand.  Since most humiliation falls within the bounds of misunderstood differences, it can be hard to dig deep enough to find the answer.  Especially if the emotions are engaged.  To make your point, and to actually get through to the other person, disengaging the emotions should be a top priority.  Quit acting like a horsewhipped puppy, and start acting like you.  Yes, you read that right.  Be yourself.  Just because you are a black skinned, blond haired, Shinto savant does not mean others will perceive you that way.  If you ACT like a ghetto scumbag, then you will be TREATED like a ghetto scumbag.  If that is who you are, and you are a good person, then PROVE it.  A white skinned, trailer trash, Jewish rabbi with flame red hair and a Scottish accent is just as misunderstood as someone from the ghetto who is trying to better them self.  I mean, think about it - how many Shinto do you know who are of African descent?  Or how many Jewish of Scottish?  But, with patience, both of these hypothetical individuals can become stronger, better, and self assured enough future attempts of humiliation for these differences and misunderstandings will not longer affect them.  (In writerly terms, this is called "growing a rhino skin")

Being excluded from something can be the most empowering thing that can happen.  When you are included, you tend to actively work to fit in.  You hide what makes you unique in order to "fit in" and conform to the group's expectations.  Being excluded empowers you to stand up, take a good HONEST look at yourself, and say, "I am me."  To see your unique values, to express them in your own way.  Are you a painter?  Then paint what you like, what makes you happy.  Are you a singer?  Then go forth and carol out your favorite melodies, even if you are singing "Hark the Herald" to some Led Zepplin melody.  Are you a writer?  Lucky you!  Now, you can write those poems that have been nagging at you and the group scoffed at.  Those short stories and flash fiction pieces that incorporate every genre in the realm.  That novel that takes the rules and twists them out of recognition.  Are you a dancer?  Then go perform the Nutcracker Ballet as a street worthy break dance.  Being excluded means you can test the rules.  You can find which ones you follow naturally, and which ones bind on you.  It lets you experiment, and learn who YOU are, not who the crowd expects you to be.  It can be lonely, especially while you are learning how to be your own best friend.  Until you can respect yourself, and to support yourself, being excluded is very, very painful.  You may even feel like you are being victimized.  But, take the chance, please!  Learn who you are, and how to love, respect, and endorse yourself.

So, next time you find yourself ostracized, take a moment for a small (pain filled if you must) prayer of thanks. Then, turn your attention to working on the lessons you can learn from the experience.  Remember, being different is your best strength.  This is what makes you, well, you.  And, if you weren't the strong, capable person you are, then why would anyone have a reason to ostracize you in the first place?

It does get better.

Some months ago I found an incredible project called "It gets better". 

It was created to support young people who face daily tormenting and bullying, particularly LGBT young people. The project aims to show them that there's a life waiting for them outside high school, they just need to get through their teen years and it will start getting better.

When I read the book I cried many times. I related to many of these stories, although I am not gay. High school was without a doubt one of the hardest periods of my life, especially the first year.

I transitioned from the 9th grade, where we were only 28 students and all of us were friends, to a giant high school where I didn't know many people.

The few friends that came from the same middle school stopped talking to me in our new school, which made incredibly sad.

On top of that I started being bullied and ostracized for being a geek.

I didn't understand the sudden change. 

I always liked school and getting good grades, and until then it was usually perceived as a good thing. But in high school everything changed, it felt like having good grades and liking school made you weird and a target of many mean comments and attitudes.

Even people in my family started talking to my mom about my "problem"— I was not being a "normal" teenager, because teenagers need to party and not to care too much about school.

My parents and I had many talks during that period. They asked me if I was feeling pressured to get good grades, if I felt that I needed to be a good student to make them happy— But all I could say was that I liked school, that I had always liked school and that I was good at it.

However, at 16, things started to get to me after a while. The mean comments increased, the gossip around me and the rejection started to feel heavier. I wanted to quit that school.

I wanted to go to a different school and forget about those people who were hurting me, both the new and the old faces.

I just wanted to focus on my reading, my books, my numbers. The more they attacked me the more I liked being alone with my music and my own thoughts to get me through it.

After the first year ended, I told my parents I wanted to change schools, but they both agreed that I should give it another semester before I could do that. 

My second year got better, I found few, but good peers that made it all better. And although my self esteem got a little bruised, I graduated high school and moved on.

That experience definitely helped me shaping the person I am today. I learned that people will always find something they don't like about you, but we're not here to please people.

Maybe it's because you're gay, or because you're a geek, or a nerd, or are overweight or not "attractive"— The list of things that people think are "wrong" with others could be endless. 

But the only person you really need to be ok with is yourself. You need to love the person you are because that's the only person you can't get rid of.

Days in high school can be tough. It's already difficult to try to figure out what's going on with you, and your new mind, your new body. And then you add some extra kids whose only job would appear to be making you miserable. 

Don't let them— I can tell you: IT DOES GET BETTER.

If you're a kid experiencing bullying, in whatever form, for whatever reason, please hold on to life. Hold on to whatever makes you happy, don't ever think there's no way out of it, or that it will always be like that.

Be kind to yourself, read a lot, listen to music, talk to someone you trust ( a teacher, a parent, a friend, a help line), work out, focus on what's important to you.

There are many wonderful things in this world and great people to share them with, it might just take some time.

Charles de Lint, The Blue Girl