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bullying jax for literally being so averse to corn that we can no longer look at it in a grocery store. he will literally turn our head away when we get near it. boy the rest of us don't even like it why are you doing this much.
SLAMMED! For being corn-phobic!
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I get all worried that OSDD doesn't really affect me in day to day life so I shouldn't speak on it like I know what I'm talking about, or that I'm a system technically but a singlet practically.
And then a total of three medium-grade stressors show up and I'm thrown so off track that I get the double punch of having an adult autistic meltdown while a young child alter also has an autistic meltdown over some, like, lost house keys. Not getting juice right when I want it. Inability to regulate emotions over very simple things. Goes nonverbal, feels like body is too tall, mind turns simple, feels distress over "wheres my mom? where is she? 🥺" Not to mention the blurring and dissociative fog that follows. Nausea has also been a fun addition to switching signs lately.
I forget that due to my own active efforts as well as some luck and a bit of privilege, I've crafted a life that has as few stressors as possible, which means my brain and body don't see the need to switch or respond with dissociation most of the time. There's nothing to dissociate from! My life is fairly pleasant! Minimal social obligations, work from home job, livable wage, emotional support animal, supportive and accomodating family, medication that works which in turn allows me to have the energy to pursue hobbies, access to a specialized therapist...I have a lot of things to be grateful for, but laying it all out like this allows me to see the many factors that are in my favor and more importantly it EXPLAINS why I tend not to experience many of the symptoms that initially brought me to my therapist last year.
I have to remember that it's not how you are when you're at your best, it's the dysfunction you display at your worst (or close to it) that you have to pay attention to. And I can say without a doubt that when I have a million stressors on my plate, I'm almost textbook OSDD (if there were any textbooks out there about it). Depersonalization, derealization, identity confusion, intense dissociation, resorting to childlike behavior to cope (aka child alters), mood swings that don't make sense and disappear as quickly as they appear, handwriting coming out different every time, "conversations with myself" on paper that feel too autonomous for comfort, significant and daily changes in clothing style, and sometimes even the loss of time if it's very bad.
I am writing this out to remind myself that just because there are times of peace and stability does not mean I'm "practically not a system." I can speak on it just as much as anyone else, but I do have to draw on past experiences rather than current ones. I have to speculate what my behaviors meant, but I have to do that with recent stuff too anyway since our communication is abysmal. I should rest easier, enjoy the peaceful life I get to live now. I once did not think I would ever have peace, so I will try to be more grateful for it and let system stuff come to me on its own time. This is lifelong, after all.
the trend lately has been orange affiliated alters making appearances after months of radio silence. i don't quite know what significance orange had to me in the past to make them all so similar to each other, but nearly all of the "orange alters" share certain personality traits with each other. three of them identify with varying shades of burnt/dark orange, and those ones are bitter, angry, depressed, but also tend to experiment and try new things more often. they also have the trend of having complicated, interesting, contradictory motivations and views on reality. the ones who are lighter shades of orange are kinder, but just as curious.
star views himself as orange, and it signifies his bitterness to him i think. the other orange one whos made an appearance lately associates it with his anger. glade himself isnt a very angry person but he definitely associates it with darker emotions. jewel and jack are curious people, both lighter orange shades, but there is an undercurrent of anxiety and sadness there.
i dont know what all this means, but documenting it now might provide insight later.
im incredibly amused and endeared but also saddened. the trend appears to be that the alters who secretly care go to great lengths to hide that they care about me and what i do, but in the end their actions speak louder than their words. i see how shockwave insisted upon perfection as he helped rebuild and reprogram inner mind architecture, concerned that anything less would harm not just me but all of us. i see how star said again and again that he thinks my writing is a waste of time...but please just pick a story about him and commit to finishing it, already. i see how krinos acts like he's aloof from it all, but won't stand for injustice done against himself or against others. it is his namesake, after all. i see it in myself, downplaying what i care about, hiding my true motivations, but in the end i care very much for very many things.
the thing is, this quality of hidden caring makes me feel warm inside, happy and once again endeared. it triggers oft unused empathy to flow through me. i care about them very much, and this feeling only grows as i learn more about them.
well now i feel silly since venting. some co con headaches have come up twice now. guess it pays to talk about your feelings.
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I'm coming to the uncomfortable suspicion that being so preoccupied with how specifically our fictive alters would think/react to think things is me falling exactly into what created them in the first place - unhealthily strong escapism. Just because it has a new focus (what does Star think about this? What does Shockwave want to do? What's it like for Jack in there? Is Spiderman still mad about that one thing?) does not mean I should give up my real world responsibilities so readily. Hyperfixation or not, being grounded probably needs to come first.
As much as I like having a wealth of creativity springing from my daydreaming, I also like being able to make rent. And remembering what outside even looks like. And having hobbies other than staring at the wall or playing video games.
It does make me feel happy to see common traits scattered throughout the other alters that just seem to be constants in all of us.
The common trait I see is curiosity. It always gets the best of us, even the most recalcitrant ones. I know that before most of the splits as a kid, science and history were major interests. That has carried over to nearly everyone.
The second trait I see quite a bit of is the siren call of being unapologetically authentic and truthful with everyone, regardless of how appropriate it is for the situation. When not in pain, I'm fairly confident this is true of the persecutors too.
There's more, but it helps me feel more fondly of them all (even the ones that don't really care much for me) knowing there's something in common between all of us. Something we can all understand, on some level.
I don't like the way my therapist focuses on calling me the "core" because of what she seems to think that means in terms of responsibility and "ownership."
The evidence suggests that yes, I'm what most everybody else split off from. I don't think that has any moral implication or meaning beyond that, at least in regard to myself. I don't know what it means that the inner mind computer system lists me as a core but lists a different alter as the "original." I'm not sure how it works, that's just what it says in the system.
What I don't understand is why she thinks that means I "own" the body. My sister uses the shower more than my brother but she doesn't own the shower. Families share. I have stewardship of the body because I'm good at it (mostly). I'm better at being in the outside world than the others, at recognizing the body's signals. I honestly view myself more as like, chief engineer or something. I don't own this ship, though. I try to lovingly take care of it. I'll say that I think I own my own thoughts, values, and feelings, but the body is just a vessel in the end. Bodies are to be taken care of because they are loved, I feel. I don't "own" anything I love like that. I just take care of it.
