#orphanannie

Oh good LORDT this movie. If you like TENNIS, overbearing parents, WILLSMITH!!!!!!!!, the 90s, SPORTS!, 90s SPORTS, 90s TENNIS SPORTS!!!!!!!!1, the plot of Cinderella screamed at you, snobby white people in shorts, bad dude wigs, and NANCY FRIGGIN REAGAN then this movie is definitely for you! Read on for many spoilers unless you don’t know of the existence of Venus and Serena Williams and THEIR DAD RICHARD WILLIAMA AKA THE ONLY WILLIAMS THAT MATTERS! Oh, also wigs. Let’s discuss.

Did you know that Will Smith doesn’t have an Oscar? Well he doesn’t but he clearly wants one and thus: why this movie is here! GET WILL THAT OSCAR NOW!! MAYBE! Let it be known that I don’t care about tennis, any sports of any kind, or most biopics so this movie is 0% for me. I watched it for the wigs (duh) and because it’s free on HBOMax til December 19. If you want to watch this movie, please watch it for $0. But also if you value your time or mental sanity, please don’t watch this movie. The running time is somewhere between 2.5 hours and an entire lifetime. 

So this movie is about Venus and Serena Williams but rather than making a straight up biopic of them, it focuses on their Rasputin-like father, Richard, who I guess is just as known as them if sports are your thing? Anyway, the film begins sometime in the 90s in Compton, where struggling Richard is taking his tennis phenom kids (as well as 3 other daughters WHO DON’T COUNT BECAUSE THEY CAN’T DO TENNIS) to the courts where he tries to get rich assholes to back his kids (THEY DON’T BECAUSE WHITE TENNIS SNOBS SUCK!) Meanwhile, the girls train at a dodgy Compton court where Richard also has to confront local gangs who sexually harass his daughters. Choosing to focus on Richard and not the girls is a CHOICE and as a theater nerd all I can compare it to is the musical “Gypsy” which focuses on Mama Rose, not her burlesque star Gypsy Rose Lee. Essentially, this is a bizarro Gypsy about tennis ?! I dunno guys.

This movie is equal parts only for people who love Venus and Serena... and only for people...who know nothing about them? The film seems to constantly question: are these two crazy kids gonna make it (???????????) as if they’re not both some of the greatest living athletes ever. Even I know who they are and the closest I’ve come to playing tennis is watching that one scene from “Clueless” more than 100 times. 

Will Smith leans HEAVILY into southern drawl and greying temples and GETTING THAT OSCAR, BEBE! Richard pushes his kids hard. He spews life lessons like a Hallmark card on speed, makes them watch “Cinderella” and when they don’t get message that he wants it to convey, makes them watch it again, he trains them endlessly on tennis courts IN THE FUCKING RAIN. When nosy neighbors fear for the safety of these girls (SAME, NEIGHBORS!) he shades child protective services for being racist and makes his kids spell “CIVILIZATION” in front of them. Richard has a dream, a life plan for his kids, a preordained GOAL that the entire family MUST. LIVE. UP. TO. It reminded me of the dad of the Shaggs, except these girls are extremely talented. Also we are meant to believe that Richard is singularly driving this bus (sometimes literally - they get around in a VW bus) and that he is not completely deranged. 

Meanwhile, his ultra supportive wife, Brandy, played by the goddess  Aunjanue Ellis, does everything to keep the household afloat, deferring to Richard on all things tennis while supporting them financially and defending the kids against Richard’s complete insanity (HE TRIES TO MAKE THE GIRLS WALK 3 MILES HOME AFTER WINNING AT TENNIS YOU GUYS!) Brandy’s wig, much like her entire vibe, is very relaxed yet bouncy. I should point out that the hair and wigs on all the girls are great throughout. 

BUT THEN THE WHITE DUDES. UGH. So Richard finally scores a fancy ass tennis coach for the girls in the form of a very greying Tony Goldwyn. Despite wanting this coach VERY BADLY, Richard still micromanages him, coaches the girls himself, and drives this dude to insanity (NOT UNLIKE THE VIEWING AUDIENCE). 

ENTER: THAT DUDE FROM THE WALKING DEAD (yes, that’s his name!) In a wig so horribly feathered I can only believe it was left over from "Wonder Woman: 1984″ and a questionable Midwestern accent definitely left over from FX’s “Fargo”, Walking Dead dude is READY TO COACH THESE GIRLS AT TENNISSSSSSSSSS!!!! I am ready to throw this wig into the garbage because the texture is trash and much like all bad dude wigs, it juts out at the back. NO. 

Richard definitely gaslights him into believing that he will allow him to coach (LOLOL KING RICHARD IS ALWAYS COACH, WALKING DEAD DUDE!) even when the entire family moves to FLORIDA as soundtracked by Kenny effing Rogers and then Richard refuses to let the girls do whatever tennis thing Walking Dead wanted him to do (I STILL DON’T CARE ABOUT TENNIS). I do very much care about this AWFUL WIG. ABSOLUTELY NOT, WIG.

At some point, Walking Dead dude decides to part this wig on the side LIKE THAT IS GONNA MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE!!! I CAN STILL SEE YOU WIG, AND YOU STINK MORE THAN THE FACT THAT RICHARD REFUSES TO TAKE MULTIMILLION DOLLAR DEALS FOR HIS TENNIS DAUGHTERS!

Walking Dead Dude is not the only one to get a wig glowup. Brandy also gets this new wig which is honestly pretty great, as is Aunjanue in this scene in which she has HAD IT with Richard (plz get HER an Oscar, not Will!) Golden highlights suit you, girl. Now get that Oscar gold! 

In the final moments (hours?) of this movie, the hairdressers apparently painstakingly recreated the Williams’ sisters braids in the form of wigs that Venus and Serena approved themselves. I won’t spoil the rest of the movie for you in case you are wondering if these girls ever became tennis superstars and Richard became famous enough to have an entire movie made about him.

I honestly cannot argue with the accuracy and quality of these wigs, especially given the fact that they also are forced to play tennis for seemingly eternities. THESE WIGS DO NOT LOOK LIKE WIGS AND LOOK VERY GOOD which is the highest wig compliment one can get. I almost decided to say that this whole movie WURQED because of them!

BUT.

Earlier in the movie, the younger girls are visited by the ghost (?) of Nancy Reagan in what can only be described as an Orphan Annie wig. My daughter was Annie for Halloween in a wig far superior to this one. The quality, texture, seams...EVERYTHING about this wig are 1000% WRONG. I had a lot of thoughts and faces about this wig (the Williams’ sisters reactions are my ID actually). Are we supposed to believe that Nancy herself is wearing a wig? Does she know that by wearing red she is actually becoming Annie? Did she seriously say “JUST SAY NO” wherever she went? Regardless, I have to say NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO to this wig and this movie and this movie’s wigs solely based on this one awful wig. 

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ