#optifast

Surprisingly, this liquid diet thing is going pretty well. I get hungry about an hour before I’m due for the next one, so I just guzzle water until then.

I’ve tried adding sugar free syrups to make the vanilla better, but it only made it worse. I’ve tried adding strong decaf coffee (allowed) and pretending I paid $7 at Starbucks for it. 

Nothing helps. It’s super sweet already and I think that’s what I don’t like about it. The chocolate is far less sweet, and perfectly tolerable, even enjoyable.

In true #basicbitch fashion, it turns out I have joined the ranks of those who: 1. Got married 2. Had kids 3. Got fat.  Same story, different mom.  My “baby” is now four (I have two) and I am desperate to get this under control.  I have discovered that losing weight in your 30s is waaaaaayyyy harder than doing it in your 20s.  Then I would skip a drink or two, maybe a meal, go for a run, and wah-lah!  #summerbod achieved.  Now I have tried so many diets (jumpstart, keto, southbeach), fasts (Master Cleanse, Whole30 - I actually like this one btw), exercise programs (heavy weights, yoga, bootcamp, Pilates), you name it, all without real results. 

This is where I found myself one day in November of 2018, frankly not that far off in weight from when I was 9-months preggo, working a full time job, overwhelmed and just unable to figure it out.  I finally decided to put some money where my mouth was (one positive about the 30s I’ve noticed is at least there is more money!) and signed up for the Medical Weight Management Program at Kaiser.  

The program starts off with a one hour orientation, they let you try samples and give a very simplified version of what they are about.  Things I wish they just said outright:  

The program is going to cost btwn 4K-5K all said and done.  They hedge around that quite a bit, for obvious reasons, that’s a big number!  The majority of the fees can at least be run through an hsa/fsa (if you have it) but the food is out of pocket.

You have to have a bmi of at least 30 to qualify for the program.  I think for most people it went without saying they would qualify easily, but unfortunately (fortunately?) for me, I was a bit lower.  Not much though, just a bit.  Luckily I was a month off from the qualifying weigh in and it was the holidays, thus I got to really get after that brandy-eggnog and wine.  All in the holiday spirit, right?  

Yes you are going to be hungry.  They go on and on about how you aren’t hungry in the program, but it ain’t so people.  More on that later.

Then you have to do a series of tests which involve an EKG, some blood work and an appointment with a real-live doctor.  Then BOOM, couple hundred dollars and some massive bingeeating/anxiety/panic later, you are IN chicken.

Ok ok I know that gif is about smoking but I like it ok?  Give me something here, I’m on limited calories...

Fast forward a month to the first meeting, I did the weigh in (since I know you are wondering I’m 5′6 and came in at a whooping 191 pounds <insert gulp>), nervously looked around at the people I was going to be stuck in this room with every week, and sat in a very outdated room for a couple hours.  Think waiting room of a drug store somewhere in “where the hell is that” Midwest USA.  Vinyl floors, partition walls, white board on WHEELS...Did I mention there was a ridiculous thunderstorm that night?  Picture WAVES of water crashing over the freeway as I drove to the aforementioned old room.  Thunder crashed, lightening struck.  I’m in California, this is scary stuff for us.  It was like the Gods were sending me to the seventh circle of weight loss hell. 

While we sat there shaking, they gave us the deets.

The basics of the program are such:

You meet once a week in a closed group of 20-26 peeps to talk and learn about about the program, nutrition, whatever is bugging you.  The groups are facilitated by a nutritionist and a program lead.  They call you a “Cohort”.  You will be on food supplements for 20 weeks.  The supplements consist of a combo of bars, shakes and some very funky soups.  Total calories per day is generally 960.  Nothing else is allowed, no zero calorie anything (though they do say you can have up to two zero calorie sodas or beverages a day, but not more given the sodium).  Gum is tolerated but technically not allowed.  Oh and the kicker, you are supposed to drink between 60-120 ounces of water a day.  Look guys, I already drink a ton of water, but drinking THAT much water on 960 calories a day = going to the bathroom like the days of yore...i.e. like you are third-trimester pregnant.  For the men reading this, that’s a lot.  An annoying amount of times.  

Weeks 17-30 are a transition where you slowly wean off the supplements till they are gone at the end of week 20.  

Weeks 30 to 82 (yes you heard that right, this program is EIGHTY-TWO WEEKS...that’s 1.57 years, 18.9 months, 574 days.. you get the idea) 

...anyway, weeks 30 to 82 are what they call Lifestyle: an open group of people that completed the program and still meet once a week for an hour to discuss their progress, issues, life.  

Back to me - Last week we all met, got the lowdown, put in our food order and spent the rest of the week saying goodbye to all our favorite foods.  Wine for me.  And tequila.  And vodka.  Did I mention wine?  Look I have two kids, and a stressful high powered desk-job.  I’m very important.  #dontjudge #myNameisBasic&ImAnAlcoholic  

Today I am on Day #2 of the supplements.  OMG it’s hard. All I can say is this #weightissue has been a relatively recent thing for me, I never struggled before kids.  I’ve fasted, I’m comfortable on a diet generally.  Some of the people in my cohort have struggled their whole life.  I just keep telling myself they must be dying with this, so I need to buck up and deal.  Less fortunate and all that.  But man am I hangry.  I want to eat my hand off.  Everything looks delicious.  The worst part is, you wake up in the morning knowing you don’t get to eat anything else except your six “meals” a day, and it won’t satisfy you.  These fuckers medical professionals make you track the meals you eat each day, and categorize them into Breakfast, Lunch, Dinners and two Snacks.  It’s supposed to get you in the habit of tracking.  A-holes.  There are headaches.  I’m kinda (ok very) cranky.  They say, this too shall pass.  We’ll see.

I started this blog as an outlet for this journey.  I haven’t told anyone in my family or my friends cause I’m hella embarrassed.  Obviously the husband knows.  and then there is just you, Wide World.  Thank you for bearing witness.  May I be successful and reunite with my first loves again soon (i.e. in 20 weeks)...vodka...and spaghetti....and Chinese food...and wine...and..and..and...

Alright. So today is day 1 of my respawn. I haven’t been on optifast in any way shape or form since July. I haven’t really stuck to a diet or exercise plan for over a couple weeks in the past 6-7 months. And, honestly, I’m good with that.

It sucks, sure, but thankfully I’ve only put on an additional 10-15 lbs. If you consider how happy I’ve been (usually that makes me eat more. Love = weight gain for me), and how often I’ve indulged in whatever my tummy desires, you’d see that 10-15 lbs as a total win. I do. I got my head and my heart right.

But I’m jumping back into my VLCD and I’m grateful to continue my journey after a seemingly brief layover. Will 2017 be the year I reach my weight loss goal? I hope so. 

Verdict is in. I lost 15 lbs on the OptiFast 900 liquid diet. 

The powdered, just-add-water substance designed to keep me alive for 3 weeks has arrived*. OptiFast 900 - named for the 900 calories I will consume daily. Doc and dietitian have instructed me to have 4 packets a day, in addition to drinking no less than 64 oz of water per day. I am permitted to add no-cal flavours (mio, etc), and I’m also allowed 1 cup of clear broth per day. ....And. that’s. it.  

Surgeon says it’s to help shrink my liver before surgery. The less they need to jostle the liver to get it out of the way, the fewer complications there may be.