Opera Simplified #7: Les HuguenotsâPart I
Les Huguenots
(The Huguenots)
Opera Simplified #7
The Basics:
Music: Giacomo Meyerbeer
Libretto: Augustin Eugène Scribe and Ămile de Saint-Amand Deschamps
Premiere: February 29, 1836; Salle Le Peletier (OpĂŠra national de Paris), Paris, France.
Based on: No direct source material except history, although some scenes (but not the overall plot) are likely very loosely based on scenes from Prosper MĂŠrimĂŠeâs 1829 novel Chronique du règne du Charles IX (Chronicle of the Reign of Charles IX).
Setting: The French province of Touraine (Acts I-II) and Paris, France (Acts III-V); August 1572.
Characters:
MarguĂŠrite de Valois, Princess of France, sister of King Charles IX, and soon-to-be Queen of Navarreâsoprano
Urbain, her favorite pageâsoprano*
Valentine de Saint-Bris, her favorite lady-in-waitingâsoprano*
Raoul de Nangis, a Huguenot noblemanâtenor
Marcel, his servant and formerly grandfatherâs ward, also a seasoned soldierâbass
Le Comte de Saint-Bris, Valentineâs father, leader of the Catholic noble faction, and governor of the Louvreâbass-baritone
Le Comte de Nevers, Valentineâs fiancĂŠ, a Catholic noblemanâbaritone
Tavannes, also a Catholic noblemanâtenor
CossĂŠ, another Catholic noblemanâtenor
ThorĂŠ, yet another Catholic noblemanâtenor
de Retz, still another Catholic noblemanâbaritone
MĂŠru, there are way too many extra Catholic noblemen in this operaâbaritone
Maurevert, *sigh* ditto except heâs a Special Plotting One in Act IIIâbaritone
LĂŠonard, Neversâ valetâtenor**
Bois-RosĂŠ, a Huguenot captainâtenor
A nightwatchmanâbass
A Catholic studentâtenor
Two ladies-in-waitingâsopranos
Two Catholic girlsâsoprano and mezzo-soprano
Two Roma girlsâsoprano and mezzo-soprano
Three monksâtenor and two basses
Henri de Bourbon, the Huguenot King of Navarre and MarguĂŠriteâs eventual husbandâsilent
*Note: While Urbain and Valentine were intended to be sung by sopranos, both roles have a history of being cast with mezzo-sopranos, although this is much more extensive in the case of Urbain than of Valentine.
**In some productions and recordings, LĂŠonard is turned into a trouser role mezzo.
A Note Before I Recommend Recordings: The performance and recording history of this opera isâŚexceedingly complicated. A lot of this is due to a combination of there being LOTS of revisions and cuts over the years, including large chunks of music cut before the premiere, parts of which have since been restored. A critical edition was prepared approximately a decade ago; however, the score/libretto still has not been made available to the general public (possibly because there are some differences in the scenes from original to premiere) and no full recordingâeither audio or visualâhas been made of said edition (although someone did splice together a recording from multiple recordings that comes very close and which was instrumental in the making of this Opera Simplified.)
Further adding to the problem is that while several productions in the last decade have been either audio or visual recorded, all of them use different pieces of the critical edition and none of them are complete or add up to a complete reading. As such, yours truly is working with as much material as she can but this Opera Simplified is not and cannot be truly complete.Â
[Last note: this also means that while I have done my very best to provide clips that are as complete as possible, a) the level of completeness of any given excerpt may vary and b) some of the clips will overlap.]
Recommended Video Recordings:
The Sydney 1990 production is rather heavily cut but great for a first-timer (source: this recording is what made me fall in love with this opera). Also, this is actually a recording of Dame Joan Sutherlandâs final ever full staged performance of any opera, so this is opera history.
The Montpellier 1990 production is an excellent and much-less cut traditional option as well.
The Brussels 2011 (Part I; Part II) and Geneva 2020 productions are both somewhat âout thereâ direction wise (the latter more than the former) but both are excellent shows overall.
The Paris 2018 production is worth a watch if only for Lisette Oropesa as MarguĂŠrite (although that cast is for the most part very good).
Recommended Audio Recordings:
If you can find the Diederich Montpellier 1988 recording, a) snap it up ASAP and b) PLEASE SEND IT TO ME because it was online for a while but then it disappeared and it hasnât been available for streaming ANYWHERE online for over three years now.
The Bonynge 1970 recording is overall quite good, except the Raoul isnât great.
This audio recording of a Berlin 2016 performance is overall very good (Juan Diego FlĂłrez as Raoul!!!), although Iâm still mad at the Deutsche Oper Berlin for not filming this production.
This Vienna 1971 performance is VERY heavily cut but what we have is really good.
And if you love balls-to-the-wall singing and donât care about pesky things like French language and style or cuts (no judgment here though, we all need some straight up balls-to-the-wall sometimes) this legendary La Scala 1962 recording is nothing to scoff at.
Shoutout to @carlodivarga-s and @monotonous-minutia for being the best readers/idea-bouncer-offers a writer couldâve ever asked for.
The Opera, Very Simplified: âWay out yonder somewheres, the Lordâs great heart must break at seeinâ how men treat one another anâ say theyâre doinâ it all for His sake.â -Carlisle Floyd, Susannah, Act I, Scene 5
(btw if you havenât seen or listened to Susannah, go do so asap. Hereâs a recording with Cheryl Studer, Samuel Ramey, and Jerry Hadley.)
ACTUALLY, I lied when I said this was the last note. One more note:
If you are reading this Opera Simplified on the date of its publication, you are reading it on August 24, 2022 (at least in Paris time, which is 7 hours ahead of the authorâs time zone). This is deliberate, and you will learn the reason why before too long.
THE OPERA (or at least the first three acts of it):
Overture **
ACT I:
Hereâs a quick introduction to the French Wars of Religion up until when our story begins.
Early afternoon, a hall in the summer chateau of the Comte de Nevers in Touraine. At the back are several large windows opening onto a lawn and gardens. On the right is a door leading to the rest of the house; on the left is a window covered by a light curtain, which separates the hall from a private chapel. Nevers is hosting his bachelor party, to which he has invited several other Catholic noblemen.
Nevers: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Oh, you want me to say that more eloquently? Okay, fine. Letâs enjoy the beautiful days of our youth, letâs be joyful, letâs get drunk, letâs enjoy these moments because time is flying by and soon we wonât be able to have these moments again!
Nobles: YEAH WHAT HE SAID BECAUSE TIME IS FLYING BY FAST
Nevers: Letâs dedicate our lives to fun and frivolousness and forget EVERYTHING except pleasure!!!
Nobles: YEAH WHAT HE SAID LETâS FORGET EVERYTHING
Nevers: Everything except pleasure.
Nobles: YEAH YOUâRE RIGHT WHAT YOU SAID EVERYTHING EXCEPT PLEASURE
Nevers: Are you all just going to keep repeating everything I say?
Nobles: âŚmaybe.
Nevers: Well, then, at least weâre all in agreement! Say it with me!
Nevers and Nobles: LETâS ENJOY THE BEAUTIFUL DAYS OF YOUTH AND HAVE FUN BECAUSE TIME IS FLYING BY FAST SO LETâS DEDICATE OUR LIVES TO FUN AND FORGET EVERYTHING EXCEPT PLEASURE
Tavannes: Our most generous, esteemed host and lord of this enchanting place, dear NeversâŚhello?
WHY THE FUCK ARENâT WE EATING YET IâM HUNGRYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Nobles: US TOO SO WHY ARENâT WE SITTING DOWN TO EAT YET
Nevers: Weâre still waiting on a guest. We have to be civilized, yes?
Nobles: Who is it?
Nevers: Heâs a young gentleman who just got a commission to join our military forces. He got a recommendation from Admiral Colignyâ ***
Nobles: WAIT WAIT WAIT HEâS A HUGUENOT?!?!
Nevers: Well, yes. But remember: the King is reconciling with the Huguenots and he wants everyone else to do the same. Admiral Coligny and the Medicis even swore before God to have eternal peace between Catholics and Protestants.Â
So be nice.
Tavannes: That peace wonât last long!
Nobles: Not long at all!
Nevers: What does all this matter to us anyway?
*Raoul enters through the back and the nobles all see him.*
Tavannes: Whoâs that person coming from over there?
Nevers: Thatâs our guest. Everyone, meet Raoul de Nangis.Â
ThorĂŠ: He seems gloomyâŚ
MĂŠru: âŚOr bored!
Tavannes: Thatâs just what happens when youâre Protestant! All that dogma and absolutely no fun.
De Retz: Iâd like to amuse myself with him!
Nevers: And Iâd like to convert him!
Tavannes: You want to convert him?
Nevers: I want to convert him to the true gods, love and pleasure!
âŚWhat did you think I meant, Catholicism?
Nobles: Well, yes. BUT CONVERTING HIM TO LOVE AND PLEASURE IS A MUCH BETTER IDEA
*Raoul and Nevers greet each other.*
Raoul: Hello! I just have to say, what an honor it is for little old me to be here beneath this beautiful Touraine sky, in the company of the most brilliant and distinguished gentlemen the court has to offer! Iâm just a simple soldier from the provinces and basically no one important knows me, so really, what an honor to be invited here with all of you!
Nevers: *softly* Really, everyone, heâs not bad at allâŚ
CossĂŠ: Heâs very nice!
Tavannes: But heâs so awkward; you can obviously tell heâs from the provinces.
Nevers: But weâll polish him up and heâll surely improve!
CossĂŠ: YES WE WILL
Nevers: After all, this is a favor to the court of the new Prince Henri! ****
Raoul: Iâm just a simple soldier from the provinces and basically no one important knows me, so really, what an honor to be invited here with all of you!
Nevers: Really, heâs not bad, and weâll polish him up, make a society man out of him!
Nobles: Yeah, what you said! Heâs quite decent!Â
Raoul: WHAT AN HONOR IT IS
Nevers: ALRIGHT EVERYONE LETâS EAT
Nobles: WOOHOO FUCKIN FINALLY COME ON LETâS EAT
*A table overflowing with food and wine is brought in. Everyone sits down to eat.*
Nobles: WE LOVE FEASTS THEY ARE THE ONLY TRUE HAPPINESS BECAUSE THEYâLL NEVER LET YOU DOWN ALSO DRINK UP EVERYONE AND LET BACCHUS ALONE RULE THE FEAST
Nevers and MĂŠru: Pour out the winesâŚ
Nobles: âŚof Touraine!
Tavannes and CossĂŠ: Wine causes usâŚ
Nobles: âŚTO SING HAPPY SONGS
Tavannes and CossĂŠ: And letâs drownâŚ
Nobles: âŚour woesâŚ
Tavannes and CossĂŠ: âŚand our discretionsâŚ
Nobles: âŚby getting drunk! EVERYBODY SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS
Nevers, MĂŠru, Tavannes, and CossĂŠ: YEAH LETâS GET WASTED AND SING SONGS AND FORGET ALL OUR PROBLEMS AND OUR DISCRETIONS WOOHOO
Everyone: THE PLEASURES OF THE TABLE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN ANYWAY LETâS GET WASTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED
*Everyone except Raoul is now probably at least a little drunk.*
Nevers: Servants, remember to pour the wine generously! And get some fresh wine in here!
Alright, Raoul, letâs drink to our mistresses!
Raoul: UmâŚbut I donât have a mistress.
Nevers: But Iâd bet just by looking at you, and that tender and languid look on your face, that youâre in loooooooooooove.
Raoul: Who, me? In love?
Nevers: Itâs more likely than you think. Besides, weâre young and free, weâre allowed to love! Not me for much longer though. Iâm getting married tomorrow and technically this is actually my bachelor party. Iâve promised: when I get married, Iâll remain good and faithful, Iâll renounce all passionâŚ
And since the day it got out that I was engaged, the ladies of the court have been pursuing me even more relentlessly! I simply canât keep up with all of them!
Tavannes: I HAVE AN IDEA LETâS ALL TELL STORIES ABOUT GIRLS WEâVE KNOWN
Nevers: Thatâs a great idea! Newcomer goes first.
Nobles: THATâS HOW IT GOES AFTER ALL
Raoul: Very well, gladly. I can do it without compromising the woman whoâs stolen my heart.
Nevers: SO I WAS RIGHT anyway, before you start, who is she?
Raoul: Hereâs the thing: I have no idea. I think she knows who I am, but I have no clue about her, actually.
Nevers: Whatâs her name?
Raoul: I donât even know that.
Nevers: Really??? OKAY EVERYONE LISTEN UP THIS STORY IS BOUND TO BE REALLY SPICY
Raoul: SO, I was just wandering around the countryside, not far from the old towers and ramparts of Amboise, when suddenly I saw this grand carriage at a bend in the road. But the real thing that caught my attention was that the carriage had been stopped by this big crowd of students!
They were being so loud and bold and rude, and I figured out right away what they were trying to pull with that, so I started running towards them, and they all fled like the cowards they were! And then I approached the carriage so I could check and make sure that whoever was inside was okayâŚ
And thenâŚwith my own two eyes, I saw the most enchanting person to have ever graced the world! So fair, so pureâeven purer than a spring dayâshe was a dazzling angel! How beautiful she was! And I was in love right awayâŚI couldnât help but bow before her, and I remember just what I said to her:
âBeautiful angel, queen of love, heavenly beauty, I want to love you forever, I will love you forever!â
Nobles: WHAT A CHARMING STORY BUT TBH ITâS KINDA LAME THAT HEâD BE SO ENCHANTED AND WEAK AND NAIVE BECAUSE OF TWO PRETTY EYES
Raoul: BUT WAIT THEREâS MORE
When she heard me pour my heart out to her, she smiled the sweetest smile in the world, and it told me she felt the same way! And I could see it in her eyes tooâŚ
Iâm faithful to her, and my heart still burns for her, and sometimes I repeat those same words to myself and remember:
âBeautiful angel, queen of love, heavenly beauty, I want to love you forever, I will love you forever!â
Nobles: HIS FORTHRIGHTNESS AND HIS STORY ARE CHARMING BUT BUT TBH ITâS KINDA LAME THAT HEâD BE SO ENCHANTED AND WEAK AND NAIVE BECAUSE OF TWO PRETTY EYES SOME LOVE THIS MUST BE
Raoul: AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUU
*Marcel appears in the doorway at the back.*
Tavannes: Uh, whoâs that?
Raoul: This is an old servant of mineâheâs been around since I was born!
Marcel: WHEREâS RAOUL
*One of the guests points to Raoul.*
(Oh God! Heâs mingling with them?)
MASTER, GOD TELLS US TO NOT FEAST WITH THE WICKED
MĂŠru: Ha, heâs a true saint of Israel!
Marcel: IN THE CAMP OF THE PHILISTINES
Nevers and Nobles: Excuse you?
Raoul: Sorry, everyone; please forgive him! My grandfather took him in and raised him up on Luther between a sword and the Bible! So heâsâŚa bit zealous. He hates women. And the Pope. And Hell.
Marcel: THATâS EXACTLY RIGHT
Raoul: But really, heâs greatâfaithful, heroic, and a sensitive soul at heart. In short, heâs a true diamond in the rough!
*He pulls Marcel aside and whispers to him.*
Come wait on us and be quiet.Â
*Marcel opens his mouth to reply, but Raoul cuts him off.*
Be quiet if at all possible! Seriously, Marcel, please donât embarrass me in front of all my potential frieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeends.
Marcel: Very well, fine!
*Raoul returns to the table.*
(But how can I save him from them?)
Nevers, MĂŠru, and de Retz: LETâS TOAST TO OUR MISTRESSES
Raoul, Tavannes, and CossĂŠ: A TOAST TO THE SOLE OBJECT OF MY AFFECTIONS
Marcel: ENOUGH OF THIS LUTHER COME SAVE HIM FROM EVIL AND COME MIX YOUR VOICE OF THUNDER WITH THEIR HELLISH SONGS
*He begins to sing.*
O LORD YOU ARE THE STRENGTH AND ONLY SUPPORT OF US WEAK SOULS WHO WORSHIP YOU⌠*****
*Nevers offers Raoul a glass of wine.*
Nevers: Here, drink, itâllâ
Raoul: No!
*He lowers his eyes and nervously sets down the glass.*
Marcel: âŚAND NO SUFFERING CHRISTIAN EVER CALLS UPON YOU IN VAIN!
MĂŠru: Whatâs he singing?
Raoul: Thatâs a Lutheran hymn we always sing in times of danger.
Marcel: O LORD THE ETERNAL TEMPTER IS ARMING HIMSELF WITH CUNNING AND WRATH TO DESTROY US SO COME SAVE US ONCE AGAIN O LORD
CossĂŠ: Wait! The more I look at him, the more he reminds me of a certain soldier from La Rochelleâ******
Marcel: Really? You recognize me?
CossĂŠ: By God, I think so!
*He gestures to a scar he has and Marcel looks at it.*
This large woundâ
Marcel: YUP THAT CAME FROM ME
Raoul: Oh God, Marcel!
CossĂŠ: No worries! It was a true fair fight! And to prove it, I offer you this: have a glass with me!
Marcel: I do not drink, thank you very much.
CossĂŠ: At least not with a son of Hell, eh?
Raoul: IâM SO SORRY PLEASE EXCUSE HIM
Nevers: Well, if he doesnât drink, then let him sing!
Raoul: I really donât think thatâs a good ideaâ
Nobles: HE HAS TO SING LET HIM SING
Marcel: Gladly! Iâll sing an old Huguenot song denouncing all Papists and members of that damnable sex!
All of you, especially you with that wound I gave you, should know it: itâs our battle song, the one we sang during the fighting at La Rochelle!
Raoul: MARCEL! Oh, for fuâuh, fiddlesticksâgreat.
Marcel: You remember? It was then, to the accompaniment of the drums and the cymbals and the piff, paff, poof of the musket balls, that I sang:
Piff, paff, piff, paff!
DOWN WITH THE MONKS AND CONVENTS AND WAR AND MISFORTUNE TO ALL PAPISTS BECAUSE WEâLL PURGE THEIR TEMPLES OF HELL WITH FIRE AND SWORD CRUSH THEM AND STAB THEM AND STRIKE THEM ALL DOWN PIFF PAFF POOF PIFF
Let them cry, let them die, but never show mercy!
Nobles: HAHAHAHAHA ADMIRE HIS SWEET NATURE AND FORGIVE US HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Tavannes and CossĂŠ: Oh, please do forgive us! Ha ha!
Marcel: âŚIs this some sort of joke to you?
SECOND VERSE NOT THE SAME AS THE FIRST A LITTLE BIT LOUDER AND A LITTLE BIT WORSE
MY ARM NEVER EVEN TREMBLED WHEN WOMEN WEPT BECAUSE ALL WOMEN ARE DELILAHS WHO CAUSE THE RUIN OF MENâS SOULS SO CURSE THEM ALL AND LETâS DESTROY THEIR HELLISH CHARMS WITH OUR SWORDS AND DRIVE THEM OUT AND HUNT THEM DOWN AND STRIKE DOWN THOSE DEMONS PIFF PAFF POOF PIFF
Let them cry, let them die, but never show mercy!
*LĂŠonard, Neversâ valet, appears at the back with a veiled woman. The woman disappears into the gardens and LĂŠonard enters the hall.*
LĂŠonard: Thereâs someone who has requested to speak to the Count de Nevers!
Nevers: I DONâT CARE WHO IT IS EVEN IF ITâS THE KING HIMSELF TELL THEM IâM NOT HOME
When Iâm drinking and dining with all my friends, I donât even care about the God of the universe!
Marcel: THATâS CALLED BLASPHEMY AND THATâS NOT ALLOWED IN THE CHRISTIAN MINECRAFT SERVER
LĂŠonard: But sir, itâs a pretty, young woman!
Nevers: A WOMAN??? Goodness me, really, you all would not believe the lengths the ladies go to chase me every single day!Â
LĂŠonard: Sheâs waiting in your private chapel.
Nevers: Let her wait!
Tavannes and CossĂŠ: THATâS NOT RIGHT AT ALL IâLL GO REPLACE YOU LIKE A TRUE GENTLEMAN OF THE COURT
de Retz and MĂŠru: NO I WILL
Nevers: Iâd gladly let you! But wait: LĂŠonard, which one is she? The Marquise dâEntrague or that young Countess?
LĂŠonard: Um, neither.
Nevers: Oh! Madame de Raincy, then?
LĂŠonard: No, my lord, Iâve actually never seen this one here before.
Nevers: A NEW CONQUEST! Well, that changes things; after all, today is my last day as a bachelor. Iâll go see her right awayâŚif only out of curiosity!Â
Dear guests, please excuse me. Continue to enjoy yourselves and donât hold up the party just because Iâm gone for a bit. Though passion means Iâm absent for a little while, Iâm sure Iâll be back with all of you before long, if you know what I mean. Have fun, everyone!Â
*He leaves through the back door with LĂŠonard.*
Tavannes: What a delightfully strange thing to happen at a party!
de Retz: Surely heâll have the best time of us all!
Nobles: What a delightfully strange happening! Everything is turning out great for him and surely heâll have the best time of us all! We have to remain quiet about it so he doesnât overhear us, but how I wish I was the hero of this escapade!
Tavannes and ThorĂŠ: HOW I WISH I WAS THE HERO
Nobles: WE WISH WE WERE THE ONES GETTING VISITED BY PRETTY LADIES
*Marcel pulls Raoul aside and begins to scold him for coming to the party and fraternizing with the Catholics. As a result, neither of them are able to hear anything else going on.*
de Retz: But who is that beauty heâs talking to?
CossĂŠ: I, for one, would like to know!
MĂŠru and CossĂŠ: Canât we even get close enough to see her?
Tavannes: WAIT I HAVE AN IDEA AND ITâS FOOLPROOF so theyâre in that private chapel, right? Right. See, thereâs a window covered by that light curtain and it looks right into the chapelâ
Nobles: THATâS THE BEST IDEA EVER
Tavannes: I HAD THE IDEA I GET TO LOOK FIRST
*He parts the curtain enough to be able to look into the window.*
de Retz: TELL US WHAT YOU SEE
Tavannes: I SEE HER
CossĂŠ: Is she pretty?
Tavannes: SHEâS HOT
*The nobles all run to the window and start pushing each other to get a look at the window.*
de Retz: MY TURN
CossĂŠ: I SEE HER
ThorĂŠ: SHEâS DIVINE
MĂŠru: SHE HAS SUCH AN ELEGANT FIGURE
Tavannes: Do you know her?
MĂŠru: NOPE
CossĂŠ: How about you?
de Retz: ALSO NOPE
Tavannes: How about you?
CossĂŠ: ALSO ALSO NOPE
Nobles: LET ME SEE HEY NO PUSHING ITâS MY TURN DO ANY OF YOU KNOW HER BECAUSE WE SURE AS FUCK DONâT WELL I GUESS NONE OF US KNOW HER BUT SHEâS SO CHARMING AND YOUTHFUL AND NEVERS MUST BE SO HAPPY TO HAVE SUCH A PRETTY MISTRESS
*de Retz notices that Raoul has been completely oblivious to all of this.*
de Retz: Huh! Raoul, youâre the only one who hasnât even shown the slightest hint of interest! Awe you scawed?Â
Do you think that seeing such a pretty young woman will somehow make you betray your faith, like how chaste all you Huguenot men are?
Raoul: Very funny. But really, you judge us too highly, and Iâll go ahead and prove it to you right nowâ
*He looks in the window.*
OH MY GODÂ
Nobles: Whatâs the matter?
Raoul: THAT WOMAN IS THE SAME WOMAN I WAS TELLING YOU ALL ABOUT EARLIER MY LIFE IS OVER
Nobles: Itâs HER?!?!
Raoul: I RECOGNIZE HER PLAIN AS DAY
Nobles: Itâs her??? Ah, poor lover, in his naĂŻvetĂŠ, he believed she was a pure woman, but sheâs already someone elseâs mistress! Ha!
Raoul: Oh, come on! I loved her, but she is anotherâs mistressâŚshe only deserves contempt! This is all too much!
Nobles: THE POOR MAN WAS SO NAIVE AND SHEâS ANOTHER MANâS MISTRESS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Raoul: THAT SLUT CAME HERE FOR ANOTHER MAN THIS HURTS TOO MUCH I CANâT BEAR IT LETâS GO
Marcel: THAT SLUT CAME HERE FOR ANOTHER MAN ALMIGHTY GOD COULD YOU REALLY SIT BY AND WATCH THIS OUTRAGEOUS SIN WITHOUT UNLEASHING YOUR WRATH??? LETâS GO
*Raoul rushes towards the back in an attempt to leave the room and head for the chapel to confront Nevers, but the nobles run after him and grab him.*
MĂŠru: EVERYONE SHUT UP I CAN HEAR THEM WHICH MEANS THAT NEVERS IS COMING BACK SO ACT LIKE WE WERENâT JUST SPYING ON HIM
Nobles: ALRIGHT EVERYONE LETâS GO THEN
*Everyone hides. Nevers reappears in the garden with the veiled woman, escorting her by the hand. He respectfully bids her farewell and she leaves. Nevers then re-enters the hall, oblivious to the guests gradually coming out of hiding; in turn, the guests are oblivious to him.*
Nevers: ITâS LITCHRALLY ONE (1) DAY BEFORE THE WEDDING AND I HAVE TO BREAK OFF THIS MARRIAGE
Itâs all so strange: MarguĂŠrite de Valois told her favorite lady-in-waiting that she should do this, something about âpolitical mattersâ and âother arrangementsâ. And that favorite lady-in-waiting also just so happens to be my fiancĂŠe! Well, ex-fiancĂŠe, I guess. But she came here, by herself, in secret, to ask me to break off the engagement the day before the wedding!
Well, she didnât have much of a say in the engagement in the first place because her father forced her into it, so thereâs that. Of course, Iâm nothing if not a gentleman, and I agreed to break up with herâŚbut Iâm not gonna lie and say it doesnât suck when it very much does.
Nobles: WE DIDNâT HEAR ANYTHING YOU JUST SAID SO HURRAY FOR THE MAN WHO CONQUERS ALL WOMEN EVERYONE LOVES HIM AND LOVE ONLY HAS BEAUTIFUL THINGS FOR HIM SO HURRAY FOR HIM
*Urbain enters from the back.*
Nevers: What are you looking for?
Urbain: HI EVERYONE!!! Hi to you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and ALL you noble gentlemen!!!
Anyway, this wise noblewoman who would be the envy of kingsâand I promise Iâm not just saying that because I have a crush on her like come on who has a crush on their boss definitely not me thatâs weirdâgave me this letter,
*He pulls out a sealed letter.*
which is for one of the gentlemen in this room. I wonât say who yet because that takes all the fun out of it, but I will say that no one has ever had such honor and glory and fortune as the man to whom this letter is addressed! And this isnât a prank either, so donât worry about that.Â
Well, hello again to all of you! And may God protect you!
Nevers: Sometimes being so overqualified can be so draining, but oh well. Everyone, remember this: we canât avoid the blows Fortune deals usâŚ
Very well, then, give me the letter.
Urbain: Hi! Are you Raoul de Nangis?
Nevers: WAIT WHAT
Urbain: This letter is for Raoul de Nangis.Â
Nobles: WAIT WHAT
Marcel: *pointing out Raoul* Raoul de Nangis? Thatâs my master and heâs right here!
Raoul: For me? There must be some mistake. Iâm practically a nobody here; I donât know anyone in the area who would be even remotely interested in meâŚ
Urbain: And yet, thereâs no mistake. This is for you.
*He hands the letter to Raoul, who opens and reads it aloud.*
Raoul: âRaoul, come to the old tower at sunset. Let yourself be led there, blindfolded. Be discreet. Do not ask questions. Do not say anything about this to anyone else. Do only as you are told. Are you brave enough to do this?âÂ
No signature. Hmm. I see someone wants to have a good laugh at my expense. It could cost me dearly. You know what? Very well! I accept.
*He holds out the letter to Nevers.*
Read it yourself.
*Nevers takes the letter and immediately gasps.*
Nevers: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD YOU GUYS
*He hands the letter off to MĂŠru. The nobles each take a turn looking at the letter.*
MĂŠru: WHOA THIS IS SHOCKING
CossĂŠ: ITâS HER CREST
Tavannes: LOOK THATâS THE SEAL SHE USES
Nobles: IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING YUP ITâS HER HANDWRITINGÂ
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD YOU GUYS LOOKS LIKE RAOULâS GONNA WIN THE PRIZE
Raoul: âŚWho are you all talking about?
*The nobles all decide to kiss up to Raoul.*
Nevers: Raoul, you know that I am your devoted, tender friendâ
MĂŠru: If you need someone to serve you or defend youâ
*The nobles begin pushing each other around and jostling for Raoulâs attention.*
de Retz: You can always count on usâ
CossĂŠ: If you need someone to serve you or defend youâ
Tavannes: If you need someone to serve you or defend youâ
Nevers and the Nobles: YOU CAN RELY ON US BECAUSE WEâLL TOTALLY ALWAYS BE YOUR FRIENDS YOUâVE PROMISED ME SO REMEMBER THAT AND PLEASE DONâT FORGET US LATER
Urbain: *imitating the nobles* YEAH WEâLL TOTALLY ALWAYS BE YOUR FRIENDS YOUâVE PROMISED ME SO REMEMBER THAT AND PLEASE DONâT FORGET US LATER
Raoul: WowâŚthis is all so sudden and unexpectedâŚGood Lord, what should I do?
Nevers and the Nobles: ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING YOU WANT
Tavannes: EverythingâŚ
Nobles: Everything!
Marcel: Everything?
Urbain: EVERYTHING!!!
*He takes Raoul by the arm and leads him to one side.*
Pleasures, honors, powerâŚall your wildest dreams are about to come true! Be bold! Remember, power always belongs to the one who knows how to take it!
*Nevers in turn takes Raoul by the arm and pulls him in the opposite direction.*
Nevers: Things are looking up for you! Beauty calls! And remember, power always belongs to the one who knows how to take it!
Urbain, Nevers, and the Nobles: YUP THATâS RIGHT SO YOU SHOULD DO WHAT THE LETTER SAYS
Marcel: (Would you look at that! Theyâre treating him so differently now! Hypocrites, the lot of them.)
Raoul: Pleasures? Honors? All my wildest dreams are about to come true? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE
Urbain, Nevers, and the Nobles: YEAH BUT WEâRE NOT GONNA TELL YOU
Raoul and Marcel: I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS
Marcel: HURRAH WE PRAISE THEE O LORD SAMSON HAS DEFEATED THE PHILISTINES
Raoul: ALL MY WILDEST DREAMS ARE APPARENTLY ABOUT TO COME TRUE I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS
Urbain, Nevers, and the Nobles: YEAH THEY ARE SO YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT
*Nevers signals some servants to bring in wine, and everyone raises a toast to Raoul.*
A TOAST TO YOU RAOUL AND TO YOUR HEALTH AND TO ETERNAL SUCCESS AND LUCK FOR THIS CONQUEROR OF WOMENÂ
GO GO GO LOVE AND HONOR ARE WAITING FOR YOU GOODBYE AND DONâT BE AFRAID EVERYTHING WILL BE ABSOLUTELY ONE HUNDRED PERCENT AMAZING
*A group of masked men appears at the back. One of the men presents a blindfold to Raoul, who puts it on. Marcel tries to keep Raoul from leaving, but Urbain leads Raoul and the masked men away.*
Notes
ACT II:
Later the same day, in the gardens of the Chateau de Chenonceaux. The chateau, which is built on a bridge, is seen in the distance. The Loire River meanders in curved lines throughout, occasionally disappearing behind clumps of trees. On the right is a wide stone staircase leading from the chateau to the gardens. MarguĂŠrite de Valois sits in the gardens, surrounded by her ladies-in-waiting and several pages, including Urbain.
MarguĂŠrite: ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF BY DOING A TRAVEL COMMERCIAL FOR THE BEAUTIFUL LAND OF TOURAINE
We have cheerful gardens! We have green fountains! We have gentle brooks that barely make any noise and are PERFECT for dreaming next to! And I know this because I just abso-fuckin-lately LOVE to sit by the water and dream, and dream, and dreamâŚ
We have beautiful woods! We have shadowy shores! AND I REALLY HOPE THEY HIDE ME SO THAT THE STORMS OF THE WORLD NEVER REACH ME AND I CAN JUST BE HAPPY HERE FOREVER
Anyway, where was I? Right, here in the beautiful land of Touraine we have cheerful gardens, green fountains, gentle brooks that barely make any noise and are perfect for dreaming next to, and I know this because I just love to sit by the water and dreamâŚand dreamâŚand dream!
Now as for this whole religious war business: these religious disputes do nothing but drown the earth in blood! And these ministers like Luther and Calvin, who terrify us with their austere morality in Heavenâs name! To hell with all of it!
MarguĂŠrite, Urbain, and Two Ladies-in-Waiting: THIS IS A NEGATIVITY-FREE ZONE SO NEGATIVITY DONâT EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING HERE AFTER ALL UNDER MARGUĂRITEâS RULE OUR ONLY DUTY IS TO PAY HOMAGE TO THE GOD OF LOVE
MarguĂŠrite: All I want is for everything around us to echo our love songs every day so we hear them again!
Urbain and the Ladies-in-Waiting: And theyâve learned our love songs!
Everyone: WE LOVE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE
MarguĂŠrite: LISTEN THE BIRDS HAVE LEARNED TO ECHO OUR LOVE SONGS AND THEY SING THEM IN THE AIR AND THE TURTLEDOVES COO OUR SONGS UNTIL THE SOUND DIES ON THE WAVES OF LOOOOOOOOOOVE
Urbain and Ladies-in-Waiting: ALL NEGATIVE THINGS AND ENERGIES ARE BANNED FROM THIS COURT FOREVER BECAUSE THATâS TOTALLY REALISTIC AND ALSO OUR ONLY DUTY IS TO PAY HOMAGE TO THE GOD OF LOVE
MarguĂŠrite: WHAT YâALL SAID ALSO UNDER MY RULE WE ONLY LIVE AND BREATHE TO SMILE AT THE GOD OF LOVE
At just the mention of love, nature is reborn! The birds repeat it in the shadows of the trees, the stream even repeats it too, the earth, the waves, the earthâdid I already say that? anywayâ, even the heavens themselves repeat our songs of love!
MarguĂŠrite, Urbain, and the Ladies-in-Waiting: Earth and heaven alike repeat ALL our love songs!!!
MarguĂŠrite: THEYâLL EVEN REPEAT MY INSANELY DIFFICULT COLORATURA FLOURISHEEEEEEEEEEES AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Everyone Else [including, probably, the audience]: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OUIIIIIIIIIIIIIII BRAVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAÂ
Urbain: Indeed, our queen is so lovely! AlasâŚwhat a pity!
MarguĂŠrite: Whatâs the matter with you?
Urbain: Iâm only a PAGE! A discreet, faithful, obedient, forgettable PAGE!Â
MarguĂŠrite: Well, Iâm sure that the ladies-in-waiting would disagree.
*Valentine appears at the top of the staircase.*
Whoâs coming from up there? Go look!
Urbain: ITâS YOUR PRETTIEST LADY-IN-WAITING
âŚnot like I have a crush on either of you or anything.
MarguĂŠrite: Oh, I know who you mean! Valentine! Valentine, come here, donât tremble in fear!
Urbain: Everything for Valentine, MarguĂŠriteâs favorite, wink winky wink wink wink wink.
MarguĂŠrite: And what of it? Besides, Iâve seen the pain in her heart, and tears are always able to move me.
Urbain: Then Iâll never laugh again!
MarguĂŠrite: Come here, dear Valentine, have courage! Tell me: how did the trip to Neversâ go?
Valentine: Nevers has sworn by his honor to renounce my hand in marriage.
MarguĂŠrite: Good! Then everything falls right into place, and soon, I promise you, weâll have another marriageâ
Valentine: Oh God! What are you saying?
MarguĂŠrite: Poor child, youâre blushing!Â
*Valentine nervously lowers her eyes.*
You truly love Raoul?
Valentine: WellâŚbut I mustnâtâŚwhat about my father?
MarguĂŠrite: Be calm! Iâll talk to him and get everything sorted.
Valentine: Okay, but what about Raoul?
MarguĂŠrite: Youâre overthinking this. Besides, Iâve invited him to come hereâ
Valentine: OH GOD IâD NEVER DARE TOâ
MarguĂŠrite: Really? Really, never, Valentine? Well, itâs okay. I know how you are. Iâll talk to him for you.
*One of the ladies-in-waiting steps forward.*
A Lady-in-Waiting: ITâS REALLY HOT OUT HERE SO LETâS ALL SIT IN THE SHADE AND GO BATHING IN THE RIVER ESPECIALLY BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW OUR HIGHNESS CAN GET REALLY OVERHEATED
*Several of the ladies-in-waiting head off behind the trees to bathe in the river. Others, dressed in gauzy robes, dance, play, and run after each other. MarguĂŠrite watches contentedly, sitting on the grass. Urbain spies on the women from behind a tree.*
Ladies-in-Waiting: ITâS HOT AS HELL OUT HERE BUT LETâS GO IN THE SHADE AND THE WATER SO WE CAN BE COOL AND REFRESH OURSELVES
MarguĂŠrite: Thank you all for your care andâŚ
URBAIN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING BEHIND THAT TREE
*The women flee as Urbain comes out from behind the tree.*
Urbain: Who, me? Absolutely nothing! Nothing but waiting for Madameâs ordersâ
MarguĂŠrite: I forgot all about you! In fact, I almost mistook you for one of the ladies!
Urbain: (Gender fluidity achieved!)
MarguĂŠrite: GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT
Urbain: But I donât wannaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I just came here to have a good time and Iâm honestly feeling so attacked right nooooooooooooooow
*He reluctantly leaves as the womenâs voices waft in from the direction of the river.*
Ladies-in-Waiting: Itâs so hot out here but letâs go in the shade and bathe in the river so we can refresh ourselvesâŚ
*The women finish their bathing and return. Urbain reappears at the top of the staircase.*
MarguĂŠrite: URBAIN DIDNâT I JUST TELL YOU LIKE TWO MINUTES AGO TO LEAVE
Urbain: BUT MADAME THEREâS A GENTLEMAN HERE
Valentine and Ladies-in-Waiting: A MAN?!?!?!
Urbain: CALM DOWN EVERYONE LISTEN TO MY STORY ITâS SO FUCKING HILARIOUS **
*The ladies-in-waiting gather around.*
No, seriously! I bet none of you have ever heard anything like what this page is about to tell you! And the village girls who saw it happen are never gonna forget it.
Picture this: youâre just goinâ about your business like any other day when all of a sudden, you see this guy, and heâs blindfolded! And heâs being led through town with all these fancy-looking guys surrounding him, right? Right.Â
And heâs practically gliding on thin air and everyoneâs crowding around and watching him and being like âWho is he?â and âWhereâs he going?â and âWhyâs he going?â And everyone is chattering and itâs all confusion and FUN! Youâve never seen anything like it!
Some Ladies-in-Waiting: SHUT UP THATâS SO FUCKIN FUNNY but we donât know whatâs going on there so letâs keep it on the down-low and not unpack that. BUT IT HAS OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING TO DO WITH LOVE BECAUSE OUR COURT IS ALL ABOUT LOVE
Other Ladies-in-Waiting: HMM WE DONâT KNOW WHATâS GOINâ ON THERE BUT ITâS OBVIOUSLY ONE OF THOSE LITTLE TRICKS THE GOD OF LOVE PLAYS BECAUSE HE HOLDS HIS COURT HERE
Urbain: He canât see a thing! Heâs just feeling his way along, his neck stretched out as far as it can go, and the kids tease him with their grubby little hands, and their sisters throw him flowers!
Ladies-in-Waiting: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Urbain: No, seriously! I bet none of you have ever heard anything like what this page is about to tell you! And the village girls who saw it happen are never gonna forget it.
What a beautiful, fun procession it isâa blindfolded gentleman surrounded by village girls!
Ladies-in-Waiting: THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER
Urbain: LOOK ITâS APPROACHING THE CHATEAU RIGHT NOW HERE IT ISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Ladies-in-Waiting: THEREâS THE GENTLEMAN THERE HE ISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
MarguĂŠrite: Thatâs Raoul de Nangis.
Urbain: Our mysterious hero of this little tale!
Valentine: NOPE IâM TOO ANXIOUS FOR THIS I NEED TO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY
MarguĂŠrite: I want you to stay here!
*Raoul, still blindfolded, appears at the top of the staircase with some village girls, who bring him down the staircase. The ladies-in-waiting, except Valentine, gather around him.*
Ladies-in-Waiting: EVERYONE SHUT UP THERE HE IS awwww but we canât resist talking about him because JUST LOOK AT HIM heâs trembling the poor boy is probably so frightened ITâS SO CHARMINGÂ
If only he knew the âdangerâ he was inâbecause being surrounded by scantily clad ladies is apparently dangerousâhe would be all too happy! But his oath as a cavalier and that little blindfold protects us from his wandering eyes!Â
âŚWe donât know why weâre joking about that, but anyway. Maybe itâs just because weâre relieved that he canât spy on us, so we can have fun instead of worrying. Donât read into it too much.
Urbain: *once again behind the tree* BUT THEYâVE ALL FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME WHICH SUCKS ON THE ONE HAND BUT ON THE OTHER NOW I CAN LOOK UPON THESE âDANGERSâ
MarguĂŠrite: I have to speak with him about some Very Serious Mattersâ˘. You are all dismissed; please leave us. And Urbain, that includes you. Stop staring at the ladies.
Urbain: awwwwwwww but who wouldnât be jealous of having a private audience with her?
*The ladies-in-waiting start to leave, but very slowly, and they often turn back to look at Raoul.*
Ladies-in-Waiting: LETâS ALL GO OUT SILENTLY awwww but we canât resist talking about him because JUST LOOK AT HIM heâs trembling the poor boy is probably so frightened ITâS SO CHARMINGÂ
If only he knew the âdangerâ he was inâbecause being surrounded by scantily clad ladies is apparently dangerousâhe would be all too happy! But his oath as a cavalier and that little blindfold protects us from his wandering eyes!Â
Urbain: WHO WOULDNâT BE JEALOUS
MarguĂŠrite: WHY THIS DELAYÂ
Ladies-in-Waiting: WE GO WE GO
MarguĂŠrite: BUT DAMN IT YOU DONâT GO
Ladies-in-Waiting: WE GO WE GO WE GO WE GO WE REALLY REALLY GOOOOOOOOOOOO
*Everyone except MarguĂŠrite and Raoul leaves.*
MarguĂŠrite: Such loyalty is unusual, especially with how unusual this whole scheme was in the first place. However, you have done everything I have asked you to and it is now time for you to receive the reward you deserve. Take off the blindfold.
*Raoul takes off the blindfold and is immediately dazzled by the gardens.*
Raoul: OH MY GOD WHERE AM I THIS PLACE IS SO BEAUTIFUL I THINK I MIGHT BE HALLUCINATING AFTER BEING IN THE DARK FOR SO LONG
*He looks around and confirms that it is not in fact a hallucination. Eventually, his eyes come to rest on MarguĂŠrite.*
My GodâŚyouâre divine, enchantingâŚyouâre obviously in charge here, so I have to ask: I donât know if youâre mortal or a goddess or something, but am I still on earth or am I in heaven?Â
Hello? HELLO??? PLEASE JUST SAY SOMETHING
MarguĂŠrite: Well, I get why Valentine fell so hard for him! Heâs such a gentleman, so poetic and charmingânot even royalty could choose better! No, no one could choose better!
Now, Raoul, let me make something very clear: a true gentleman, any person of good character really, must live for whomever he loves! He must be faithful, especially when theyâre far apart from each otherâno straying, not even a little bit, or else. You understand?
Raoul: (Somehow everything here reminds me of that faithless woman! She strayed from me, so what does it matter what I do?)
MarguĂŠrite: Whenever youâre away from her, wherever you goooooooooooo, youâre never far away from her, I want you to knooooooooooow! She only has to close her eyes, dear, and suddenly sheâs where you areâyou better never stray, âcause sheâll never be far away!
Raoul: (Well, I donât care about that harlot anymore! She abandoned me already, and besides, this woman is just so charming! So itâs a two-for-one: I get back at her and I find pleasure elsewhere!)
I HUMBLY PLEDGE MY ETERNAL SERVICE AND DEVOTION TO YOU
MarguĂŠrite: (But I still need to figure out whether heâll go along with this plan.)
*Raoul kneels before MarguĂŠrite.*
Raoul: I SWEAR IâLL DO EVERYTHING YOU WANT I AM YOURS AND IâLL DO EVERYTHING YOU WANT
MarguĂŠrite: *hesitating* Ha!âŚHa!âŚHa!!!
Me, a coquette! GOD!!! If I were a coquette, I would take him for myself, heâs so charming!Â
But NOPE NOPE NOPE WE ARE NOT GOING THERE the woman he loves and who loves him is counting on me to arrange this for her, not for me, and sheâs my best friend and I am NOT going to let her down even though the idea of being a coquetteâha! could you believe it?âitâs charming! but no! this is for Valentine, not for me!
Raoul: I PLEDGE MY LIFE AND MY SOUL AND MY SWORD AND MY SUPPORT AND ALL MY BLOOD TO YOU
I would die in defense of three things in this world: my honor, the lady I serve, and my God! I would gladly die for any and all of those things!Â
MarguĂŠrite: I LOVE HIS WHOLEHEARTED PASSION
Raoul: I PLEDGE MY LIFE AND MY SOUL AND ALL MY BLOOD TO YOU
MarguĂŠrite: OKAY OKAY OKAY YOU REALLY NEED TO CALM DOWN listen all I want is to make you happy. Thatâs it.Â
Raoul: IâM YOURS FOREVER
MarguĂŠrite: Me, a coquette! GOD!!! If I were a coquette, I would take him for myself, heâs so charming!Â
But NOPE NOPE NOPE WE ARE NOT GOING THERE the woman he loves and who loves him is counting on me to arrange this for HER, not for me, and sheâs my best friend and I am NOT going to let her down even though the idea of being a coquetteâha! could you believe it?âitâs charming! but NO! this is for Valentine, not for me!Â
Raoul: TEN MINUTES AGO I SAW YOOOOOOOOOU AND NOW I REALLY WANT TO GET LAAAAAAAAID BECAUSE GETTING LAID WILL MAKE MY REVENGE PLAYED ON THAT HARLOT WHO FAR FROM ME STRAAAAAAAAAYED
TEN MINUTES AGO I MET YOOOOOOOOU EVEN THOUGH I STILL DONâT KNOW YOUR NAAAAAAAME IâLL LOVE YOU FOREVER MY DAME LOYAL ALL THE SAME YOU HAVE SET ME AFLAAAAAAAME
MarguĂŠrite: IâM NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU JUST SAID BUT JUST TO BE CLEAR I AM NOT GOING TO BANG YOU EVEN THOUGH YOUâRE HONESTLY KINDA HOT BECAUSE BESTIES DONâT BETRAY BESTIES AND IâM NOT YOUR GIRL
*And then for some reason like 50% of production have them make out. Either way, at this point Urbain reappears at the top of the staircase.*
Urbain: MADAME!
MarguĂŠrite: YOU AGAIN! ALWAYS YOU BARGING IN WHERE YOUâRE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE but I still think youâre my favorite page anyway what is it?
Urbain: The leading nobles are waiting outside to come pay homage to you, Your Majesty.
Raoul: wait WHAT?!?! YOUR MAJESTY?!?!
MarguĂŠrite: Right, I never actually introduced myself to you or told you why I brought you here in the first place. I am MarguĂŠrite de Valois, Princess of France and soon-to-be Queen of Navarre. You promise to obey me still?
*Raoul nods.*
Very well. The reason you are here is because my family wishes to reconcile the Huguenots and the Catholics. I intend to support those efforts both by marrying Henri de Bourbon, uniting Protestants and Catholics in the royal family, and by arranging a similar interreligious marriage for you.Â
You will be marrying a lovely, kind young woman: the sole daughter and heir of the Comte de Saint-Bris. Now, I know that historically, the Nangis and Saint-Bris families havenât gotten along, but I know you two will be very happy together because I Know Things.Â
The Count has agreed to it, and he has promised me that he will forget all his old hatreds. Do you accept?
Raoul: Unite our families? Very well, I accept!Â
MarguĂŠrite: Great! In return, Iâll make you part of my inner court.
Raoul: Youâre too kind!
Urbain: SHEâS SO KIND TO EVERYONE EXCEPT ME :/
*Saint-Bris and Nevers appear at the top of the staircase and come down into the gardens, followed by all the noblemen and ladies of the court. The Catholics take their positions on one side of the garden; the Protestants on the other.*
Nobles: ALL HONOR TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND GRACIOUS OF ALL WOMEN SHEâS CALLED US ALL HERE SO LETâS PAY HOMAGE TO HER BECAUSE SHEâS OUR PRINCESS AND ALSO JUST SUCH A DELIGHT
MarguĂŠrite: Yes, I called you all here for a very special reason: I have arranged this marriage, which is sure to bring us all peace and happiness and love, and I would like you all to be witnesses to the marriage announcement!Â
*MarguĂŠrite has Raoul, Nevers, and Saint-Bris greet each other; they shake hands.*
Nobles: ALL HONOR TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND GRACIOUS OF ALL WOMEN LETâS PAY HOMAGE TO HER BECAUSE SHEâS OUR PRINCESS AND ALSO JUST SUCH A DELIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT
*A valet pulls MarguĂŠrite aside and hands her several documents, which she reads to herself. Marcel slips in and pulls Raoul aside.*
Marcel: WHATâS THIS I HEAR ABOUT YOU MARRYING A MIDIANITE ***
Raoul: *motioning to Marcel in an attempt to silence him* Marcel, relax. Itâs not that big of a deal.
Marcel: BUT YOUâRE MARRYING A CATHOLIC
Raoul: Be quiet! You donât even know her.
Marcel: Neither do you.
Raoul: Not the point, but touchĂŠ.
Marcel: HER HOUSE IS A HOUSE OF SIN
Raoul: SHUT UP
MarguĂŠrite: The Counts of Saint-Bris and of Nevers!Â
*Saint-Bris and Nevers step forward.*
My brother, the King, knows that both of you are devoted to him. As such, he commands both of you to be in Paris as soon as possibleâthis evening would be idealâto begin work on a very important project. I have no idea what it is, but thatâs what I was asked to tell you. Probably some fussy not-actually-important bureaucratic thing or other, I donât know. ****
Nevers and Saint-Bris: We bow to his command.
MarguĂŠrite: As you should! But first, bow to mine. Now, I really want this marriage to go well for the sake of all involved, for our very nationâfor love and peaceâs sake, no more hatred!
I want you three to swear right now, as if you were taking an oath before God, to have eternal peace with each other! None of this stupid fighting over religion.Â
Actually: ALL you nobles must swear the same oath of eternal peace! Because this is totally foolproof.
*Raoul, Nevers, Saint-Bris, and the nobles prepare themselves for the oath.*
Raoul, Nevers, Saint-Bris, and the Nobles: By our honor, by our names which we have inherited and which we uphold, by our King, by our swords, and by the God who knows and punishes all perjurers, we solemnly swear before you that we will have eternal peace between all of us, Catholics and Protestants alike!
Marcel: LET US SWEAR BY LUTHER AND OUR FAITH AND THE CROSS AND OUR SWORDS THAT WE WILL FIGHT ROME AND ITS SOLDIERS AND PRIESTS TO THE DEATH AND WE WILL NEVER HAVE FRIENDSHIP OR PEACE EVER
Raoul, Nevers, and Saint-Bris: Providence, let harmony descend upon the earth and help us become friends, brothers even!
Marcel: Providence, let your light descend upon my master so he returns to the fold like a good Protestant! Heaven help him find the only true way once again!
MarguĂŠrite: May Heaven hear these vows and bless them forever!Â
Urbain and a Lady-in-Waiting: AMEN TO THAT
Raoul, Nevers, and Saint-Bris: WE SWEAR ETERNAL FRIENDSHIP
Marcel: I SWEAR WAR TO THE DEATH
Noblemen: WE SWEAR ETERNAL PEACE AND FRIENDSHIPÂ
Noblewomen: AND MAY GOD BLESS THESE OATHS
*Saint-Bris leaves to get Valentine.*
MarguĂŠrite: AND NOW THE MOMENT WEâVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR ITâS TIME TO PRESENT THE HAPPY COUPLE
Raoul, Iâd like to present you with your fiancĂŠe! Sheâs a charming young lady and you two will be very happy together.
Here she is! Raoul, meet your fiancĂŠe, Valentine de Saint-Bris!
*Saint-Bris brings Valentine into the gardens and presents her to Raoul, who immediately recognizes her.*
Raoul: Oh, good LordâŚwhat?! Is this actually happening?!
MarguĂŠrite: Whatâs the matter?
Raoul: *hardly able to speak* What?! Sheâs going to be my fiancĂŠe? Theyâre offering meâŚ?
MarguĂŠrite: Marriage and love! Whatâs the proâ
Raoul: I HAVE BEEN BETRAYED AND DECEIVED FUCK ALL OF THIS IâM NEVER GOING TO MARRY HER
Everyone Else Except Marcel: OH MY GOD WHAT JUST HAPPENED
Raoul: WHAT BETRAYAL AND DECEIT HOW DARE THEY INSULT ME LIKE THIS
Nevers and Saint-Bris: I CANâT TAKE IT IâM LITERALLY PHYSICALLY SHAKING WITH UTTER SHAME AND RAGE
MarguĂŠrite, Valentine, Urbain, and the Nobles: THIS IS PURE INSANITY WHY DID HE JUST DO THAT
MarguĂŠrite, Valentine, Urbain, and a Lady-in-Waiting: WHY IS HE BREAKING THIS OFF DID HE MAYBE JUST FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND NOT HAVE AN IDEA HOW TO BREAK IT OFF GRACEFULLY???
Raoul: THIS WOULD BE SUCH A SHAMEFUL MARRIAGE AND I WILL HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO MORE OF THIS NONSENSE AND IF ANYONE DARES CALL ME OUT IâLL JUST LAUGH AT THEM BECAUSE MY HONOR COMES FIRST
Nevers and Saint-Bris: I MUST HAVE HIS BLOOD FOR INSULTING ME AND VALENTINE LIKE THAT OUR HONOR DEMANDS US TO AVENGE THIS INSULT
Marcel: BRAVO RAOUL YOUâRE SO BRAVE!!! A true knight and Christian, he puts his honor first and shuns the approval of the world!
Nobles: WHY IS HE BREAKING OFF THE ENGAGEMENT??? THIS INSULT CRIES FOR BLOOD AND HER FATHER NEEDS TO AVENGE HIS HONOR AND MAKE HIM PAY FOR THIS INSULT IMMEDIATELY
Valentine: SO WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS OUTRAGE????
I CANâT DO THIS ANYMORE ANY COURAGE AND HOPE I EVER HAD IS TURNING TO ICE IN MY HEART
Raoul: WOE IS ME HOW DARE EVERYONE INSULT ME LIKE THIS
Everyone Except Marcel: GOOD LORD WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS THERE OUR DREAMS FOR THE FUTURE GO DOWN THE DRAINÂ
Valentine: SERIOUSLY WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS OUTRAGE????
Raoul: WHAT BETRAYAL WOE IS ME HOW DARE EVERYONE INSULT ME LIKE THIS
Nevers and Saint-Bris: I AM FULL OF SHAME AND RAGE AND I MUST HAVE HIS BLOOD TO GET RID OF IT
Marcel: RAOUL IS SO BRAVE BRAVO FOR SAYING NO TO THE TUXEDO
Valentine, MarguĂŠrite, Urbain, and a Lady-in-Waiting:Â DID HE MAYBE JUST FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND NOT HAVE AN IDEA HOW TO BREAK IT OFF GRACEFULLY??? IN ANY CASE THIS IS PURE INSANITY WHY DID HE JUST DO THAT
Nobles: THIS INSULT CRIES FOR BLOOD AND HER FATHER NEEDS TO AVENGE HIS HONOR AND MAKE HIM PAY FOR THIS INSULT IMMEDIATELY
Marcel: TIME FOR ME TO SING MY FAVORITE SONG
Everyone Else: THIS REALLY ISNâTâ
Marcel: O LORD YOU ARE THE STRENGTH AND ONLY SUPPORTâ
MarguĂŠrite: YOU JUST PUBLICLY REJECTED AND HUMILIATED MY BEST FRIENDâ
Raoul: I WISH I DIDNâT HAVE TO BUT I HAVE LEGITIMATE REASONS
Marcel: âOF US WEAK SOULS WHO WORSHIP YOU!
MarguĂŠrite: SO TELL ME YOUR REASONS
Raoul: THEY CANNOT BE SAID IN POLITE AND PROPER COMPANY BUT I AM NEVER GOING TO MARRY HER
MarguĂŠrite: THIS IS UTTER MADNESS WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO HER AND BREAK UP WITH HER ESPECIALLY IN THIS WAY I THOUGHT YOU LOVED HER
Raoul: WOE IS ME HOW DARE THEY INSULT ME LIKE THIS
Saint-Bris: I AM TREMBLING WITH SHAME AND RAGE
*Nevers, Saint-Bris, and Raoul all draw their swords. The nobles also get into it.*
Nevers and Saint-Bris: LETâS TAKE THIS OUTSIDEÂ
Nobles: YEAH THIS INSULT DEMANDS BLOOD
Nevers and Saint-Bris: WE NEED TO AVENGE THIS INSULT WITH HIS BLOOD
Raoul: I WOULD ONLY BE TOO HAPPY TO FIGHT YOU BOTH AND VINDICATE MYSELF
MarguĂŠrite: EVERYONE STAND DOWN WHAT AN INSULT THIS IS ALSO RAOUL GIVE UP YOUR SWORD
*She signals to an officer to disarm Raoul and then turns to call out Saint-Bris and Nevers.*
YOU TWO DID YOU FORGET FIVE MINUTES AGO WHEN I TOLD YOU THAT THE KING HAS COMMANDED BOTH OF YOU TO BE IN PARIS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE
Raoul: IâLL FOLLOW THEM AND GET MY REVENGE
MarguĂŠrite: HOW ABOUT NOPE BECAUSE IâM SHUTTING YOU UP IN MY COURT SO I CAN KEEP AN EYE ON YOU UNTIL I GET TO PARIS FOR MY WEDDING
Saint-Bris: Oh, so HE gets to stay in the Princessâ court because the bastard is SO lucky to have SUCH a privileged woman putting him under HER protectionâ
MarguĂŠrite: HOW DARE YOU?!?!?!?!?!
Raoul: The only person whoâs getting protected through this is YOU because if only I had my sword Iâd kill you for trying to pass off YOUR daughterâ
Saint-Bris: YOU ALL ARE TRYING TO KEEP ME FROM BRAVELY DEFENDING MY HONOR AND I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT
MarguĂŠrite: HOW DARE BOTH OF YOU?!?! FEAR MY WRATH BECAUSE IF YOU HAVENâT NOTICED YâALL ARE PISSING ME OFF TO NO END
Valentine: BUT WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS NO ONE IS EXPLAINING IT TO ME AT ALL AND I CANâT THINK OF ANYTHING
Raoul: âAND AT ANY RATE WEâLL MEET AGAIN SOON IN PARIS
Nevers and Saint-Bris: YOUâRE RIGHT ABOUT THAT MUCH WE WILL MEET AGAIN SOON
Marcel: BRAVO RAOUL WHAT COURAGE
Valentine, MarguĂŠrite, Urbain, and a Lady-in-Waiting: WHAT AN INSULT THIS IS PURE INSANITY
Raoul, Nevers, and Saint-Bris: YOU CANâT STOP ME FROM DEFENDING MY HONOR AND WE WILL MEET AGAIN SOON
Raoul: YâALL HAVE INSULTED ME
Nobles: YOU CANâT STOP THEM FROM TRYING TO DEFEND THEIR HONOR
Raoul, Nevers, Saint-Bris, Marcel, and Nobles: LETâS GET THE HECK OUT OF DODGE
Nobles: NOTHING CAN SAVE RAOUL AT THIS POINT AND HONESTLY HE DESERVES WHAT HEâS GOT COMING
Valentine, MarguĂŠrite, Urbain, and a Lady-in-Waiting: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER
Raoul, Nevers, and Saint-Bris: I WILL AVENGE MY HONOR
Nobles: THIS INSULT DEMANDS BLOOD
Marcel: *singing joyously* O LORD YOU STILL DEFEND USâ
MarguĂŠrite: EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE IâVE HAD IT WITH THIS SHIT
Everyone Else: YEAH LETâS GET OUT OF HERE
Marcel: âMY GOD, YOU STILL DEFEND US!!!
MarguĂŠrite: SERIOUSLY I HAVE HAD IT WITH ALL OF THIS GET OUT
Everyone Else: YEAH LETâS GET OUT OF HERE
MarguĂŠrite, Urbain, and a Lady-in-Waiting: THIS IS PURE INSANITY WHY DID HE JUST INSULT HER AND ALSO SERIOUSLY WHY IS HE BREAKING THIS OFF DID HE MAYBE JUST FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND NOT HAVE AN IDEA HOW TO BREAK IT OFF GRACEFULLY???
Valentine: I SERIOUSLY STILL DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT I DID TO DESERVE SUCH AN INSULT SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME BUT AT ANY RATE MY HEART IS BROKEN AND MY COURAGE IS DESTROYED AND SO IS MY LOVE AND MY HONOR SO I GUESS IâLL JUST BE HOPELESS AND DEPRESSED FOREVER
Raoul, Nevers, Saint-Bris, Marcel, and the Nobles: SOMEONE IS GOING TO AVENGE THEIR HONOR FOR THIS INSULT SO THEREâLL BE BLOODSHED SOONER RATHER THAN LATER AND YOU CANâT STOP US THAT IS A PROMISE SO THIS ISNâT OVER
*Valentine, on the verge of fainting from shock, is taken away by Saint-Bris and Nevers, who make threatening gestures to Raoul. Raoul attempts to follow them, but MarguĂŠriteâs officers stop him and barely prevent the crowd from attacking each other.*
Notes
ACT III: **
6 PM on a Sunday, the PrĂŠ-aux-Clercs in Paris. The Seine is visible in the background. In the foreground on the left is a tavern frequented by Catholic students and their girlfriends; opposite is another tavern similarly frequented by Huguenot soldiers and their girlfriends and wives. In the background on the left is the entrance to a Catholic church. The list of people who are here in the original stage directions is really fuckin long so Iâm just gonna say that there are a LOT of people on both sides of the religious divide, of all classes and occupations, just trying to enjoy a Sunday evening.Â
Townspeople: HURRAY ITâS SUNDAY WHICH MEANS WE GET A DAY OFF SO LETâS FORGET ALL OUR STRESS AND WORRIES AND HAVE SOME FUN TRALALALALALA ITâS SUNDAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
Law Clerks: WEâRE HORNY AND WE WANT THE PRETTY LADIES TO COME DANCE WITH US
Young Ladies: YEAH THATâS NOT HAPPENING BECAUSE WE KNOW THAT YâALL LAW CLERKS ARE DANGEROUS
Law Clerks: PLEAAAAAAAAAAAASE
Young Ladies: NOOOOOOOOOOOPE
Law Clerks: PWETTY PWEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAASE
Young Ladies: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE
Townspeople: HURRAY ITâS SUNDAY WHICH MEANS WE GET A DAY OFF SO LETâS FORGET ALL OUR STRESS AND WORRIES AND HAVE SOME FUN TRALALALALALA ITâS SUNDAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
Huguenot Soldiers: RATAPLAN RATAPLAN RATAPLAN PLAN PLAN HEREâS OUR BATTLE SONG
*Some of the Huguenot soldiers continue singing ârataplanâ over and over while Bois-RosĂŠ leads the others in a call-and-response.*
Bois-RosĂŠ, then Huguenot Soldiers: OLD COLIGNY TOOK UP HIS BATTLE SWORD THAT BRINGS DOWN FORTS AND WALLS AND SAID âSOLDIERS OF THE FAITH, FOLLOW ME IâM YOUR CAPTAIN AND IâLL TAKE YOU TO VICTORY OR TO PARADISE EITHER WAY ITâS A WINâ
LONG LIVE WAR AND LONG LIVE COLIGNY DRINK UP EVERYONE
*The Huguenot soldiers strike up the rataplan accompaniment again.*
ALRIGHT EVERYONE SECOND VERSE NOT THE SAME AS THE FIRST A LITTLE BIT LOUDER AND A LITTLE BIT WORSE
ALRIGHT CALVINISTS LETâS GO GET US SOME PAPISTSâ DAUGHTERS AND ALSO SOME VALUABLE BOOTY AND GOOD WINE THAT THEY USE FOR THEIR ALTARS AND THEIR WICKED FEASTS BECAUSE ALL THOSE THINGS ARE JUST SPOILS THAT GO TO THE VICTORS OF WAR AND THEREâS TOTALLY NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS LOGIC
LONG LIVE WAR AND LONG LIVE COLIGNY DRINK UP EVERYONE
*The Catholics get (understandably) offended but before anything can come of this, a wedding procession appears on the right. Nevers and Valentine are surrounded by their friends and relatives, as well as a group of young girls. The procession makes its way across the square to the church on the left. The Catholics kneel as the procession passes by.*
Two Young Catholic Girls: BLESSED BE THE HOLY VIRGIN WHO PRAYS FOR ALL SINNERS AND WHO TAKES AWAY ALL OUR SORROWS
Catholic Women: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE MARIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAA
All the Catholic Girls and Women: BLESSED BE THE HOLY VIRGIN MARY
*As the procession enters the church, Marcel enters with letter in hand.*
Marcel: The Comte de Saint-Bris?
Catholics: shhhhhh you canât talk to him right now
Marcel: WHY NOT
Catholics: GET OUT OF THE WAAAAAAAAAY ITâS THE LOOOOOOOOOORD
Marcel: YOU CANâT TELL ME TO BOW MY HEAD OR GET OUT OF THE WAY ITâS NOT LIKE GOD IS IN THE PROCESSION OR ANYTHINGÂ
Catholics: THATâS BLASPHEMYÂ
Bois-RosĂŠ: HEâS RIGHT THOUGH
Marcel: WHEN THEREâS TOO MUCH DRAMA AT THE PRĂ-AUX-CLERCS, ALL YOU GOTTA DO IIIIIIIIIIS WALK AWAAAAYAAAAAAAYAAAAAAAAY
*He leaves.*
Huguenot Soldiers: RATAPLAN RATAPLAN RATAPLAN LONG LIVE WAR AND LONG LIVE COLIGNY DRINK UP EVERYONE
Catholic Women: BLESSED BE THE HOLY VIRGIN WHO PRAYS FOR ALL SINNERSÂ
Catholic Men: THE HUGUENOTS ARE ALL WICKED BLASPHEMERS WITH HARDENED HEARTS THEY SHOULD ALL BE BURNED ALIVE AND THATâLL PREPARE THEM FOR THE FIRES OF HELL BECAUSE BURNING PEOPLE ALIVE IS DEFINITELY NOT AN OVERREACTION TO A MINOR ARGUMENT OVER RELIGIOUS DOCTRINE
Huguenot Women: *do not say or sing anything for whatever reason*
*The people become increasingly upset and begin threatening each other. At the moment when itâs about to come to blows, a group of Romani dancers, musicians, and fortune-tellers arrives on the scene.*
Two Romani Girls: HEY EVERYONE IF YOU WANNA HAVE YOUR FORTUNES TOLD FOR A VERY SMALL FEE WE CAN DO JUST THAT TRALALALALALALALA
Townspeople: COME DANCE WITH UUUUUUUUUUUUS
*The Romani dancers dance with various townspeople, successfully lowering tensions so the people no longer want to burn each other alive or commit other acts of violence, at least for the moment.Â
After the group leaves and the townspeople resume their normal activities, Nevers, Saint-Bris, and Maurevert leave the church.*
Nevers: Valentine wants to stay in the church until later tonight and pray. And thatâs completely fine by me! If anything, it gives me more time to prepare the rest of the festivities so I can come back later and give her the grand procession home that my dear new wife deserves. Anyway, catch you later.
*He leaves.*
Saint-Bris: Thanks to him marrying my daughter, I can save face and not be completely dishonored, but thereâs absolutely no way I can forget or forgive Raoulâs insult, and if we should ever meet againâ
*Marcel comes back with the same letter.*
Marcel: The Comte de Saint-Bris?Â
Saint-Bris: âŚCan I help you?
Marcel: My master asked me to give this letter to you, and Iâ
Saint-Bris: WAIT YOUâRE RAOULâS SERVANT GIMME THAT LETTER NOW
*He snatches the letter from Marcelâs hands.*
AT LAST RAOUL IS IN PARIS
Marcel: YEAH WE JUST ARRIVED HERE FROM TOURAINE WITH MARGUĂRITE DE VALOIS AND HER COURT AND YOU DIDNâT SO HAHAHAHAHA SUCK IT
Saint-Bris: Given that the reason for that is that your master insulted my daughter and me in front of just about the entire French court, including the Princess, and for whatever reason she thought it would be a good idea to keep him with herâI guess to keep an eye on himâthatâs not the flex you think it is.
Marcel: AT ANY RATE WEâRE ALL IN PARIS NOW
Saint-Bris: AND THANK GOD FOR THAT
*He opens the letter and reads the first sentence.*
He has challenged me to a duel!
Marcel: WAIT WHAT OH GOD WHAT IS MY MASTER DOING
Saint-Bris: *showing Maurevert the letter* He wants to have the duel today, right here at the PrĂŠ-aux-Clercs, when itâs dark and everyone else has already turned in for the night. ***
Maurevert: Right here! In this very place! Itâs perfect!
Saint-Bris: GOD WANTS REVENGE SO HE IS BRINGING RAOUL HERE TO ME AND RAOUL WILL NOT LEAVE THIS PLACE ALIVE
*He turns to Marcel.*
I accept the challenge. We shall wait for him here.
*Marcel leaves.*
We absolutely cannot have Nevers find out about this. Itâs his wedding day, for Peteâs sake! We canât have him potentially getting himself killed on his own wedding day!
Lord Arturo Bucklaw: *popping in from an opera that had premiered only five months earlier* YEAH THAT WOULD REALLY SUCK
Saint-Bris: GO BACK TO YOUR OWN OPERA
Maurevert: We also canât have you potentially getting killed on your own daughterâs wedding day!
Look at it this way: heâs Protestant. Protestants suck. God hates Protestants. God is okay with Protestants dying. We can find a way to guarantee he dies.
Saint-Bris: âŚIâm intrigued. What do you have in mind?
Maurevert: God wills it! We have some ideas. Letâs go into the church to discuss them. ****
*They go back into the church. A church bell rings the hour as a nightwatchman appears.*
The Nightwatchman: ALRIGHT EVERYONE ITâS CURFEW TIME IN PARIS SO PACK IT UP AND GO HOME AND SHUT UP
Townspeople: aww nuts alright everyone itâs curfew time so uh letâs pack it up and go home and shut up
Bois-RosĂŠ: Letâs all go and drink, my friends, and have fun that never ends; let us all forget our rage, and this is the end of my time onstage!
A Catholic Student: Letâs go to our side of town and drink âtil dawn and no more frown; letâs all go and have some shots and stay away from the Huguenots!
The Nightwatchman: SERIOUSLY YâALL GO THE FUCK HOME
Townspeople: ITâS CURFEW WE KNOOOOOOOOOOOW
*The nightwatchman leaves. The townspeople disperse, many going into the two inns. After the square has emptied, Saint-Bris and Maurevert emerge from the church.*
Maurevert: So itâs agreed? You understand what I mean?
Saint-Bris: Our friends will be here in an hour, and we can count on them. Got it. *****
*They leave. Night falls. Marcel returns and looks around to see if Raoul has arrived yet.* ******
Marcel: I want to wait for him here, and if he dies, Iâll die too!
IâM HONESTLY HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS RIGHT NOW ALL JOY IS FLEETING AND USELESS AND FATE IS JUST TAKING US ALONG FOR THE RIDE OF LIFE
But seriously: the whole city is celebrating this royal wedding and theyâre being all like âoh!!! fun and peace!!!â and MEANWHILE, we canât even exist for even a day without the threat of death hanging over usâjust because weâre Protestants!Â
*He impatiently looks around for Raoul again. Nothing. He sighs sadly.*
Let us pray; it is the only thing that can help us!
*He kneels and begins to pray.*
God, defend us! Weâre alone and defenseless and this place isnât safe for us. We have pretty much no one to lead us or support us; weâre being forsaken by everyone whoâs supposed to protect us!
THE YOUTH THESE DAYS SERIOUSLY I well told Raoul to avoid mingling with the Catholics at all costs and I told him that they would try to entice him but it was a trapâŚbut he didnât listen! No one listens to us old folk.
No, Marcel, what are you doing? Stop moaning and groaningâyou need to pray!
*He tries to compose himself by praying, but it doesnât help.*
Please, almighty God, defend us, protect us! Weâre alone in the worldâ
And what would his father say? He entrusted his own son to me; what would we say to each other about all this?
Heâd say âYou need to stop this duel!â And Iâd say, âBut our honor is at stakeâŚâ And heâd say, âBut what about respect and mercy?â And Iâd say, âBut weâre soldiers!â And heâd say, âAll soldiering does is lead to useless death!âÂ
Whatâs going to happen? Dear God, the moment is at handâŚYou must pray! Pray!
Almighty God, protect and defend us! Weâre alone in this world, and this place isnât safe for us, and death is hanging over our heads and we have no one to lead or guide usâŚ
ITâS ALL TOO MUCH GOD HAVE MERCY ON US AND PROTECT AND DEFEND US
God, have mercy on usâŚhave mercy!
*He disappears into the darkness. Immediately after this, Valentine appears at the door of the church.*
Valentine: OH GOD IâM SO TERRIFIED IâM SHAKING EVEN AT THE SOUND OF MY OWN FOOTSTEPS I THINK I MIGHT BE LOSING MY MARBLES
I was behind a pillar, and no one could see me, and I was trying to pray but I heard everything! Theyâre going to try to murder Raoul, and I have to save himânot for his sake, dear God; please donât hold this against me, I donât want to be unfaithful; but for my fatherâs sake, so he doesnât have blood on his hands and the sin of murder on his soul!
BUT HOW DO I WARN RAOUL
*Marcel returns and Valentine goes back into the church.*
Marcel: My plan is still the same: wait for him, be here at the duel, and if he diesâI die too!
IâM WAITING HERE ALL ALONE AND IâM HEARING STRANGE NOISES AND THEYâRE MAKING ME REALLY NERVOUS AND SCARED ITâS SO UNSETTLING Marcel do the smart thing and find a place to stand guard
*Valentine hesitantly emerges from the church, veiled.*
Valentine: Dear God, I donât have a lot of time! Itâs almost time for the duel and Iâm right where itâs supposed to happen and I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO WARN RAOUL SO PLEASE HELP ME
Marcel: WHOâS THERE
Valentine: (Oh thank God, itâs his servant, Marcel!)
HEY MARCEL
Marcel: UH WHAT SOMEONE JUST CALLED MY NAME WHOâS THERE
Valentine: COME OVER HERE
Marcel: STOP RIGHT THERE AND GIVE THE PASSWORD OR ELSE IâM GOING TO KILL YOU
Valentine: (What password?) UhâŚRaoul?
Marcel: Raoul? Actually, you know what, thatâll do. Come forward so I can see you.
*Valentine steps into the light.*
A VEILED WOMAN?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Valentine: Are you afraid of me?
Marcel: Me, afraid??? ME???
Come on, you know me: Iâm Marcel! Iâm the old defender of the true God! I fight godless Catholics like you! IâM DOINâ JUST FINE (i lied iâm dyinâ inside)
Valentine: WE DONâT HAVE TIME FOR THIS LISTEN UP BOOMER
Marcel: WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME
Valentine: LISTEN!!! Raoul is coming here for a duel.
Marcel: Yeah, I know. Heâs fighting a horrible, horrible, wicked man in order to avenge his honor. God will defend him. Tell me something I donât know.
Valentine: Letâs just say that you absolutely must make sure that Raoul has extra people on backup to help defend him. His opponent is planning to pull something really bad so YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE HE HAS BACKUP!!!
*She signals to him to go find Raoul. Marcel leaves in search of Raoul, leaving Valentine with some time to Process Her Feelingsâ˘.*
That ungrateful man hurt me so badly when I did absolutely nothing to offend him! But I still love him with everything I have, even though my life has been destroyed! So, I have a chance to save his life, and I want to save his life just like he saved mine in Amboise all that time agoâŚ
Marcel: I WANTED TO TELL HIM BUT I FORGOT HE ALREADY LEFT TO COME HERE AND THAT HE TOLD ME TO GO AHEAD AND WAIT FOR HIM HERE WHEN HE LEFT PROBLEM NOW IS THAT I HAVE NO CLUE WHERE HE IS OR IF IâLL EVEN HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO WARN HIM BEFORE THE DUEL SO IâM TORN ABOUT WHAT TO DO
Valentine: âŚand then, if I have to forget him, Iâll simply die!
Marcel: OH GOD IF HE SHOWED UP WHILE I WAS GONE THEYâD ALL ATTACK HIM AND HEâD BE COMPLETELY ALONE AND DEFENSELESS AND HEâD BE CRYING OUT FOR ME AS THEY MURDER HIM SO I HAVE TO STAY
But what can I do? What can one man do against so many?
*He begins to sob.*
Iâll do the only thing I can do if things go wrong: Iâll die upon his corpse! Iâll die with him, like a faithful servant!
Valentine: He hurt me so badly, but I still love him with everything I haveâŚand if I have to forget him, Iâll die!
Marcel: God have mercy on me!
Valentine: You clearly understood what I meant. Iâve done what I need to here; goodbye.
*She makes to go back into the church, but Marcel holds her back.*
Marcel: No! Who are you? I want to know!
Valentine: IâmâŚ(Do I tell him who I actually am?)
Marcel: Who are you?
Valentine: IâmâŚMarcel, Iâll tell you this much: Iâm a woman who loves Raoul with everything I have and would gladly die to save his life!
Marcel: Really? You love him that much?
Valentine: OH YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND BECAUSE WORDS CANNOT ADEQUATELY EXPRESS EVERYTHING IâM GOING THROUGH BUT IâLL TRY TO EXPLAIN
Faith, love, and duty are all fighting in my heart! In order to save Raoul, the man I love with every fiber of my being, Iâm betraying both my own honor and my father! But I do my best: I beg forgiveness and I place my trust in God, because only God understands every heart!
Marcel: *deeply moved* You have nothing to regret or repent ofâyou are a devoted and truly noble soul! Donât cry, my child; from the bottom of my heart, I give you my blessing! Remember: old menâs humble prayers and blessings can do a lot of good, and I trust that God will hear me and grant you His grace!
Valentine: *breaking down into sobs* Thank you, but you truly cannot understand my sufferingâŚIâll try to explain it as best as I can even though there arenât enough wordsâŚfaith and love and duty, and Iâm getting torn apart between them allâŚ
Marcel: *to himself* I was always told that women, especially Catholic women, were deceitful from top to toe, inside and outâŚbut her sincerity and her passion come STRAIGHT from God!
*trying to comfort Valentine* Please, donât cry, thereâs nothing to be ashamed ofâŚ
Valentine: BUT I DO MY BEST AND I HUMBLY PLEAD FOR FORGIVENESS AND PLACE MY TRUST IN GOD BECAUSE HEâS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN TRULY UNDERSTAND EVERYONE INCLUDING ME
Marcel: YOU HAVE NOTHING TO REGRET OR REPENT YOU ARE TRULY AND YOU HAVE MY BLESSING AND I BELIEVE THAT IT CAN DO A LOT OF GOOD AND FOR MY SAKE GOD WILL GRANT YOU HIS GRACEÂ
Valentine: IâM BEING TORN APART AND IâM BETRAYING MY HONOR AND MY FATHERÂ
DEAR GOD PLEASE FORGIVE ME IâM PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU
Marcel: FROM HEAVEN ABOVE GOD WILL HEAR ME AND GRANT YOU HIS GRACE BECAUSE I GIVE YOU MY BLESSING
*Valentine takes off in the direction of the church. Marcel tries to stop her so he can question her further, but she runs back into the church.*
Okay, so Iâm not one hundred percent sure what kind of danger Raoulâs in, but heâs definitely in danger! Wake up! We must save Benjamin! *******
*Raoul, Saint-Bris, Tavannes, CossĂŠ, (who are serving as Saint-Brisâ seconds) de Retz, and MĂŠru (who are serving as Raoulâs seconds) enter.* ********
Saint-Bris: Good, weâve gotten here at the same time.
Raoul: Excuse me? Are you calling my punctuality into question?
Marcel: (How do I warn Raoul about what his opponent is going to try to pull?)
Raoul: OH HEY MARCEL
Marcel: Did you think I wasnât going to be here?
*He pulls Raoul aside and whispers in his ear.*
An angel came and gave me a warning. Master, youâve walked right into a trap!
Raoul: MARCEL! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND???
Marcel: âŚNo?
Raoul: Now, Iâm not super-experienced with this kind of thing. You four presumably have more experience. Read the duel commandmentsâI donât know if there are actually ten or not but anyway, I trust you to ensure a fair fight.
I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN SUNSHIIIIIIIIIINE I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN RAIIIIIIIIIIN I HAVE CONFIDENCE THAT SPRING WILL COME AGAIN BESIDES WHICH YOU SEE I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN ME BY WHICH I MEAN I HAVE CONFIDENCE THAT MY CAUSE IS JUST
Raoul, Saint-Bris, and the Seconds: I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN THE JUSTICE OF MY CAUSE
Raoul: In order to avenge myselfâ
Raoul, Saint-Bris, and the Seconds: LET THE SWORD BE THE JUDGEÂ
I demand satisfaction! Give me a good sword and some courage; every man for himself and God for all!
Raoul, Saint-Bris, and the Seconds: I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN THE JUSTICE OF MY CAUSE SO LET THE SWORDS AVENGE OUR HONOR, LETÂ EVERY MAN FIGHT FOR HIMSELF, AND MAY GOD HELP US ALL
Marcel: THIS IS HORRIBLE IT FEELS LIKE GOD IS FORSAKING USÂ
Theyâve betrayed him! God, have mercy and save Raoul, heâs like a son to me!
*The seconds meet in the center of the square.*
Seconds: Number one: no matter what, we will start at the same time. Number two: The fight is three against threeâone opponent and two secondsâto the death.
Raoul, de Retz, and MĂŠru: Agreed.
Saint-Bris, Tavannes, and CossĂŠ: Understood.
*Two of the seconds take Raoul and Saint-Brisâ swords and daggers, examining and measuring them. The other two mark out the paces.*
Marcel: THEYâVE BETRAYED RAOUL DEAR GOD PLEASE SAVE HIM
Seconds: Number three: This fight will only involve us. No one else will take part pinky promise weâre definitely not crossing our other fingers behind our backsÂ
Raoul, de Retz, and MĂŠru: Agreed.
Saint-Bris, Tavannes, and CossĂŠ: Understood.
Raoul, Saint-Bris, and the Seconds: Number four: absolutely no mercy to whoever loses.Â
Raoul, de Retz, and MĂŠru: Agreed.
Saint-Bris, Tavannes, and CossĂŠ: Understood.
Raoul, Saint-Bris, and the Seconds: I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN THE JUSTICE OF MY CAUSE SO LET THE SWORDS DECIDE THE RESULT
*Marcel joins the back-and-forth.*
Saint-Bris, Tavannes, and CossĂŠ: THEYâRE ALREADY SHAKING LIKE THE COWARDLY WUSSES THEY ARE
Raoul, Marcel, de Retz, and MĂŠru: LETâS JUST IGNORE THAT AND NOT GET PSYCHED OUT
Saint-Bris, Tavannes, and CossĂŠ: LETâS THROW CAUTION TO THE WIND AND BE BRAVE
Raoul, Marcel, de Retz, and MĂŠru: EN GARDE YOU COWARDS
Raoul, Marcel, Saint-Bris, and the Seconds: I CANâT WAIT FOR THIS FIGHT TO BE OVER
Saint-Bris and MĂŠru: THEYâRE ALREADY SHAKING LIKE THE COWARDLY WUSSES THEY ARE
Raoul, Marcel, Tavannes, and de Retz: LETâS JUST IGNORE THAT AND NOT GET PSYCHED OUT
Saint-Bris, CossĂŠ, and MĂŠru: I REALLY HOPE WE CAN KILL HIM AND END THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL
Raoul, Marcel, Tavannes, and de Retz: LETâS GET THIS DUEL STARTED
Raoul, Marcel, Saint-Bris, and the Seconds: I REALLY HOPE WE CAN END THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL
Raoul, Marcel, Tavannes, CossĂŠ, and de Retz: LETâS GET OUR SWORDS AND SOME COURAGE
Saint-Bris and MĂŠru: ALL WE NEED IS OUR RAGE
Raoul and Marcel: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF AND MAY GOD HELP US ALL AND LETâS GET SOME COURAGEÂ
Saint-Bris and Tavannes: WE HAVE TO KILL HIM
The Other Seconds: GOD HELP US ALL
Saint-Bris and de Retz: THOSE DIRTY PROTESTANTS ARE DEFYING HEAVENâS WRATH
Saint-Bris: GOD WANTS US TO KILL THEM
Raoul and Marcel: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF AND MAY GOD HELP US ALL
The Seconds: WE HAVE TO KILL HIM
*Everyone gets into place for the beginning of the duel.*
Raoul, Marcel, Saint-Bris, and the Seconds: ALRIGHT LETâS FIGHT AND END THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL SWORDS UP EN GARDEÂ
*Raoul and Saint-Bris begin the duel. A loud noise is heard from the back, and Marcel runs in the direction of the noise.*
Marcel: STOP I CANâT TELL HOW MANY PEOPLE THERE ARE OR IF THEYâRE ARMED BUT THEREâS DEFINITELY PEOPLE COMING
*He draws his sword.*
WHAT IS YOUR BUSINESS HERE
*Maurevert appears with two other men. All three are armed.*
Maurevert: THATâS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS
OH MY GOD HEY EVERYONE THERE ARE A BUNCH OF HUGUENOTS TRYING TO MURDER ONE OF OUR OWN AND THATâS DEFINITELY NOT BASICALLY EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHATâS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
*Saint-Bris, Maurevert, the four seconds, and the two armed men line up side by side.*
ALL DEFENDERS OF THE TRUE GOD COME OUT HERE
*A dozen armed Catholics who had been waiting behind the tree spring out of hiding and join Maurevert, leaving Raoul and Marcel almost completely surrounded.*
Marcel: WHAT BETRAYAL YOU MONSTERS GOD SEES WHAT YOUâRE DOING
*The Huguenot soldiers are heard singing in the tavern on the right. Marcel barely escapes and starts banging on the door.*
IN THE NAME OF COLIGNY HELP DEFEND US AND THE PROTESTANT FAITH
*The soldiers come pouring out of the tavern.*
AT LAST GOD YOU GRANT US VICTORY
*Saint-Bris begins banging on the door of the tavern on the left.*
Saint-Bris: HEY YOU BRAVE STUDENTS GET YOUR BUTTS OUT HERE AND HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE AGAINST THESE HUGUENOT TRAITORS
A Catholic Student: WEâRE ALL COMING
*The students come pouring out in similar fashion. Raoul and Saint-Bris resume their duel.*
Catholic Students and Huguenot Soldiers: HERE WE ARE GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE
Catholic Students: YEAH GET OUTTA HERE
Huguenot Soldiers: GO BACK TO YOUR CLASSES SCHOOLBOYS
Catholic Students: YOUâRE ALL PRAYER MUTTERERS AND DEVIL WORSHIPPERS
Huguenot Soldiers: YâALL ARE WEAK-ASS SOLDIERS WHO FIGHT FOR HOLY WATER FOUNTS
Catholic Students: Ah, so THIS is what Calvinist honor looks like!
Huguenot Soldiers: And THIS is what Papist loyalty looks like!Â
Catholic Students: TO THE STAKE WITH ALL YOU HEATHENS
Huguenot Soldiers: TO THE DEVIL WITH ALL YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS BIGOTS
*The Catholic and Huguenot women with the soldiers and students pour into the square and begin insulting each other in similar fashion.*
Catholic Women: YOU EAT WITH HERETICS
Huguenot Women: YOU DANCE WITH THE STUDENTS AND DANCING IS BAD
Catholic Women: GO HIDE WHERE THE SUN DONâT SHINE YOU SHAMELESS HORRIBLE WOMEN
Huguenot Women: YOUâRE THE SHAMELESS HORRIBLE ONES AND YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND SHUT ALL THE WAY UP
Catholic Women: YOUâRE THE HUGUENOTSâ LITTLE PLAYTHINGS
Huguenot Women: YOUâRE THE PETS OF FILTHY HYPOCRITES
All the Women: GET THE FUCK OUT WEâVE HAD IT SO WATCH OUT
*The people continue to repeat the same insults.*
All the Townspeople: ENOUGH OF INSULTS GOD WILLS IT
Raoul, Marcel, and Saint-Bris: YOU COWARDS YOU COULDNâT TRUST A FAIR OUTCOME SO YOU ALREADY HAD YOUR FRIENDS THERE THATâS NOT FAIR AT ALL NOW LETâS FIGHT AND GOD WILL DECIDE THE RESULT
*Saint-Bris stops for a moment.*
Saint-Bris: Very well! Until now, weâve had a duel that was all nice and proper! But youâve forced my handâLET THIS BECOME AN ALL OUT WAR NO RULES NO MERCY
Raoul: VERY WELL THEN ALL OUT FIGHT TO THE DEATHÂ
Everyone: LETâS GO ITâS AN ALL OUT FIGHT TO THE DEATH
*The duel turns into a mass street riot.*
NOT ANOTHER WORD DEATH TO ANYONE WHO OPPOSES US GOD WILLS IT
*An entourage of royal guards and pages, including Urbain, arrives and breaks up the riot.*
Urbain: EVERYONE STOP AND SHOW SOME RESPECT FOR MARGUĂRITE DE VALOIS
*Everyone clears to opposite ends of the square as MarguĂŠrite enters on horseback with her royal suite. She dismounts.*
MarguĂŠrite: Are. you. KIDDING ME??? Even in Paris, the very home of the King, the center of our power, we have to live in fear of you fighting like this?!?!?! I canât even go out on a Sunday night and return home without running into a riot?!?!Â
Someone tell me who started it. Now.
Saint-Bris: *pointing to Raoul, Marcel, and the Huguenot soldiers* ITâS THEIR FAULT WE WERE JUST TRYING TO GET JUSTICE BECAUSE THEY BETRAYED US
Raoul: *pointing to Saint-Bris* ITâS HIS FAULT HE TRIED TO MURDER US FOR LITCHRALLY NO REASON
MarguĂŠrite: Great, I canât even get a conclusive answer! Who am I supposed to believe??? And these are very serious accusations that you two are making. What proof is there to back them up?
Marcel: I HAVE PROOF LET ME TELL YOU
*He points to Saint-Bris and Maurevert.*
THEY WANTED TO MURDER MY MASTER
Saint-Bris: OH GOD WHO TOLD YOU
MarguĂŠrite: UmâŚI have the same question.
Marcel: I CAN TELL YOUÂ
This woman, she couldâve been an angel for all I know, came and told me because she wanted to save Raoul! And she was completely right about Raoul being in danger because of these TRAITORS!!!
Saint-Bris: YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES
If youâre telling the truth, which you surely are not, then where is this woman NOW, huh???????
*Conveniently for Marcel and for the advancement of the plot, at this exact moment Valentine emerges from the church, still veiled.*
Marcel: WAIT THERE SHE IS
*Everyone turns to look at the veiled woman.*
Townspeople: THE PLOT THICKENS
Saint-Bris: So SHEâS the one who accused and betrayed me? I WILL FIND OUT WHO THIS FAITHFUL INFORMANT IS
*Valentine, who is (understandably) extremely uncomfortable with all this, runs down the church steps and tries to escape, but Saint-Bris chases after her and pulls her veil off.*
MY DAUGHTER?!?!?!?!?!
Townspeople: OH GOD SHIT JUST GOT REAL
Saint-Bris: YouâŚhereâŚat this late an hourâŚ
Valentine: Father, pleaseâ
Saint-Bris: WHAT AUDACITY YOU HAVE TO BETRAY ME LIKE THIS
Valentine: Everything overwhelms me!Â
Saint-Bris: YOUâRE A DOUBLE CROSSER
Valentine: IâM SORRY THIS REALLY ISNâT A GREAT SITUATION AND I DONâT LIKE IT EITHER
Saint-Bris: YOU WANT TO DESTROY MY REPUTATION
Valentine: NO I DONâT PLEASE FORGIVE ME
Raoul: What?âŚWhat is going on here?âŚI can scarcely believe itâwhat noble bravery!
MarguĂŠrite: I can scarcely believe itâŚ
Raoul: She stood up for me, she defended me against her terrifying, domineering fatherâeven after I insulted her!
MarguĂŠrite: I didnât know she had such noble bravery in her!
Valentine: Youâve accused me of trying to ruin you when I wanted to do no such thing! Do you really think that I would try to do that to you?
MarguĂŠrite, Urbain, and a Lady-in-Waiting: SHE STOOD UP AGAINST THE CRUELTY OF HER FATHER THATâS HONESTLY REALLY HUGE
Everyone Else: WOW WHATâS GOING ON HERE
Raoul: WAIT HOLD UP A SECOND I DONâT UNDERSTAND WHY SHE WAS WILLING TO SAVE MY LIFE BY RISKING HER FATHERâS WRATH WHEN SHE DOESNâT EVEN LOVE ME
MarguĂŠrite: What are you talking about? She only loves you!
Valentine: MADAME FOR MERCYâS SAKE PLEASE DONâT MAKE THIS WORSE
Raoul: THATâS NOT TRUE SHE BETRAYED ME
MarguĂŠrite: EXCUSE ME WHAT WHERE DID THIS HAPPEN
Raoul: AT NEVERSâ HOUSE
Valentine: WAIT WHAT
Raoul: YEAH I SAW HER WITH NEVERS AT HIS HOUSE
MarguĂŠrite: OH MY GOD VALENTINE ONLY WENT THERE BECAUSE THEY WERE ENGAGED AND SHE WAS GOING TO BREAK OFF HER ENGAGEMENTâ
Valentine: PLEASE THIS IS ONLY GOING TO MAKE HIM FEEL WORSE
MarguĂŠrite: âSO SHE COULD MARRY YOU
Raoul: WAIT WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Townspeople: OH GOD OH FUCK
Saint-Bris: VALENTINE HOW DARE YOU THIS WHOLE THING IS UNFORGIVABLE
Everyone: OH GOD WHAT AN OUTRAGE THIS SITUATION IS SO FUCKED UPÂ
Raoul: So Iâm the one whoâs unworthy of her, not the other way aroundâŚ
Everyone: YUP THIS WHOLE THING IS SO FUCKED UP
Raoul: OH GOD I INSULTED HER FOR NO REASON VALENTINE IâM SO SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME
*He turns to Saint-Bris.*
I know this is super-awkward timing and a bad situation in general, but can I please marry your daughter? I love her madly!
*Valentine opens her mouth to speak but Saint-Bris cuts her off.*
Saint-Bris: You loved her?
Raoul: I still do! All I ask is for your forgiveness and her hand in marriage.
Saint-Bris: You really still love her?
Raoul: WITH ALL MY HEART AND WITHOUT HER I WILL NEVER HAVE TRUE HAPPINESS AGAIN
Saint-Bris: WELL THAT JUST MAKES TODAY ALL THE SWEETER AND MORE SCHADENFREUDE-Y
You beg me for her hand in marriage? Well, I have some news for you: sheâs no longer mine to ask for, because earlier today she and Nevers were marriedâSHEâS NOW THE WIFE OF ANOTHER MAN!!!Â
Townspeople: WAIT SHEâS BEEN MARRIED OFF TO SOMEONE ELSE???
Huguenot Soldiers: Oh, good Lord!
*At this moment, a joyous march can be heard in the distance.*
Saint-Bris: WOULD YOU LISTEN TO THAT! Her husband is coming back to get her!Â
EVERYONE IS SO HAPPY AND WE ARE TRIUMPHANT AND ITâS A SPECTACLE WORTHY OF THE SAINT-BRIS AND NEVERS FAMILIES
*A large boat, richly decorated and lit, sails down the river. Onboard are Nevers, musicians, pages, several members of the court, and Nevers and Valentineâs entire wedding party. Nevers gets off the boat and rushes in to greet Valentine.*
Nevers: My noble wife, my dear Valentine, come with me! I love you, and I hope we can cherish our vows together! Thereâs a whole party waiting so we can celebrate this happy day togetherâI adore you and Iâm proud to be your husband and your friend!
*The Romani dancers and musicians return and take up the festive music. They approach Valentine and Nevers and present them with flowers and sweets. Nevers signals to one of the pages to give them gold. The dancers dance and the others bring in torches. Nevers takes Valentineâs hand and escorts her to the boat; they are followed by Saint-Bris, Neversâ pages, and the entire wedding escort.*
MarguĂŠrite, Urbain, Saint-Bris, Wedding Party Members, and Townspeople: THEIR WEDDING PARTY IS GOING TO BE AMAZING MAY HEAVEN BLESS THEM WITH LONG LIVES AND A HAPPY HOME LETâS ALL SING AND DANCE AND CELEBRATEÂ
LONG LIVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERFUL OF BRIDES AND MAY HEAVEN BLESS THIS COUPLE WITH JOY
*The Catholic students and Huguenot soldiers begin threatening each other again.*
Catholic Students and Huguenot Soldiers: NO MORE PEACE WE HAVE TO FINISH THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL SO REVENGE OR DEATH
MarguĂŠrite: EVERYONE STOP FIGHTING AND SHOW SOME RESPECT
MarguĂŠrite, Urbain, Saint-Bris, Wedding Party Members, and Townspeople: MAY THEY HAVE LONG HAPPY LIVES AND THE BEST WEDDING PARTY EVER ANYWAY LETâS ALL CELEBRATE
Raoul: I FUCKED UP AND NOW MY LIFE IS OVER
MarguĂŠrite and Urbain: RAOUL PLEASE CALM THE FUCK DOWN
Saint-Bris: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER ULTIMATE SCHADENFREUDE
Catholic Students and Huguenot Soldiers: ENOUGH OF THIS OUR ONLY OPTIONS ARE VENGEANCE OR DEATH
MarguĂŠrite and Urbain: CALM DOWN!!! but really things are not looking good at all
Raoul: NOW SHEâS MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE I FUCKED UP SPECTACULARLY I HATE THIS AND I HATE HER NEW HUSBAND BECAUSE HEâS MY RIVAL
Marcel: THIS IS SO MESSED UP
MarguĂŠrite: EVERYONE STOP AND SHOW SOME RESPECT
Nevers and Valentine: *do not say anything, for some reason*
MarguĂŠrite, Urbain, Saint-Bris, Wedding Party Members, and Townspeople: WE LOVE WEDDINGS AND MAY THEY HAVE THE BEST WEDDING PARTY EVER AND THE BEST MARRIAGE EVER AND LONG LIVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL OF BRIDES
Raoul, Marcel, Catholic Students, and Huguenot Soldiers: ENOUGH OF THIS NO MORE PEACEÂ
MarguĂŠrite, Urbain, Saint-Bris, Wedding Party Members, and Townspeople: LONG LIVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERFUL OF BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDES
*Once everyone in the wedding party is on board the boat, it sails away as the majority of the crowd waves it goodbye. MarguĂŠrite remounts her horse and leaves with her entourage; the people bow. Groups of Protestants and Catholics continue to threaten each other from across the square.*
Notes
Due to technical issues (unrelated to the ones that caused me to have to remake this post), Acts IV and V are on a separate post here.

















