the night has never been a friend to me, all it does is to reveal the sorrows i keep during the day and remind me of how lonesome i am behind the facade.

i never lied when i said i got over you. i believe that honestly because i have but like a fragment of my past, the memory of you revisits me every night when i close my eyes to sleep.

when i do, i start to wonder about a different dimension of you and i. no heartbreaks, challenges or pain, but just love. a dimension where we got everything right – where the universe took its time with our story.

in those dreams, i wake beside you and care for our children. later, i'd wait for you to come home, and at midnight we'd slow dance to sinatra. and sometimes, i do think that i'd give up everything for my fantasy because every time, i'd think it's worth giving up everything for.

i am proud of you, and the person you have become. but if i'm honest, i am jealous and envious – mad, if i may. because i can't have you that way. in this dimension, i have to exist far away from you, and it pains me.

Dear Mama,

Happy Christmas!

Rather than be so bold as to give you a further object to take care of, I gathered for you a collection of things I think you might like on the internet. I CC the world, in case they are interested, or want to add anything.

Lots of love, Katja xox

  (Picture: Geboorte van Christus, Robert van den Hoecke, after Jan van den Hoecke, 1632 - 1668)

    Baby elephants

A nice video of a 1965 living room clog dance

Round seals that I gathered earlier

Dance your PhD winner (though perhaps you showed that to me originally..)

The complete works of Alfred Sisley

Archive of Olegas Truchanas’ photography

The 1890s, around the world, on film

Positly: Perhaps you have enough opportunities to interview people, but if you want to run your own surveys of strangerse online, this streamlines the process a lot (i.e. you basically write some questions and put money in the slot and they handle getting strangers to answer your questions and paying them). For instance, I asked some Americans why they voted as they did, and some other things about their experience of the election.

Hamilton the Musical: I know I probably recommended this before, but a) I should note that it might be the strongest artistic recommendation I’ve ever given, and b) if you did listen to it, I recommend listening to it again.

How to live for much longer in expectation (I know you don’t believe in this, but I encourage you to think about it more, because it’s important to me that you avoid dying if feasible.)

Rijksmuseum: the national museum of the Netherlands has a pleasing website for their pleasing art collection.

Here are some that I like today:

Morning Ride along the Beach, Anton Mauve, 1876

Fishing Pinks in Breaking Waves, Hendrik Willem Mesdag, c. 1875 - c. 1885

Landschap in de omgeving van Den Haag, Jacob Maris, 1891

Cellar of the Artist’s Home in The Hague, Johan Hendrik Weissenbruch, 1888

I still wish for your messages, I still think about you, I still want us to be what we were supposed to, but I know it can never be, I accepted that, and it hurts a little no more.

After you "friend-zoned" me, I tried my best not to think of you, drop dead and forget my feelings for you, but tears won't keep still in my eyes. I was used to your "Good Morning" texts, and waking up in the morning without it just aches so much that tears flowed on my cheeks down to my pillow.

I salute you, though, for not ignoring me. You tried to reach out for us to be friends again, and I am the one who's continuously avoiding, well, what do you expect I would react after you hurt me?

I don't attach myself to people easily because I believe people come and leave, no one stays. I live with that principle all my life, but I broke that rule, my OWN rule for you, and joke on me, you left.

It's funny how you confessed to me and said you loved me, yet you're the one who broke us apart because you were scared. Scared that it would cause us so much pain if we continue what we've started. Scared because you know our relationship won't last, that's why you ended it before it even began, to lessen the pain, that's what you said. I thought it's up to us to work the relationship out; it's up to us to make it last, but if you believe it that way, then be it, I won't tell nor beg you to stay because if you want me, you'll stay.

Now, we are casual to each other, no more sweet talks, holding hands, hugs, and all the clinginess but I am happy that even though we didn't end up together, we managed to still be friends, yes, the awkwardness is still there, it will go away eventually and when it does, I hope we will be back to what we are before; before the feelings started to grow. I want that friend again. I want you to stay. Even though you left me still in love, I want you to stay, not as a lover but as a friend. I can let go of that boy I fell in love with, but I can't let go of that boy who became my friend.

When the idea of picturing who my future husband will be - I told myself “Lord, I want him to be in love with you. I want him to be Your son. It  may sound cliche’ but I want a man who is man enough to have a strong faith. Often times, I lose my way and I need someone who will be the light during those dark times. As I will do the same when he needs a light to guide his way. 

I want him to be tall and strong. ;) I’m quite short and independent and controlling - so I need a guy who can take my character and personality and not be offended nor be freaked out about it. I want him to look after me, to take care of me. I want him to be protective of me and our future family.

I want him to have good values and morals. And it will show if he has a good relationship with his parents/family. I don’t have the perfect family and I am not looking for one. My crazy family is what thought me to be strong and independent. I want someone who will fill the brokenness in me and fill the gaps in between and make it whole with his own uniqueness and brokenness. 

I want him to be funny and sensitive. I want someone who I can talk to about anything at all. And can tell me when I am being too crazy. i’d like him to speak his mind and talk to me when something is bothering him. Not just someone who’d stay quiet because he’s scared of a little argument. I don’t want a man who will tell me everything is perfect and then wake up the next morning to an empty bed. Let’s talk, my love. Let’s figure it out before you figure things out with another woman.  

I want him to love dogs. I plan to have a house with a big garage and put my big babies in it. So,I want a man who loves dogs as much as I do. I want to grow old with a man who’s best friend is a great big dog rather than another bitch he met in a bar. 

I want him to love taking pictures of me and of us. I want him to want to make memories with me. I want him to value our time together no matter how simple an activity is or how silent our nights are. I want him to treasure us.

And most importantly, I want a man who I can me these promises to.

I promise to:

- submit myself to you as what God have stated in the bible. I promise to be your partner in life. 

- learn how to cook delish food ;) so that you don’t look for it elsewhere.

- take care of you for the rest of our lives.

- cherish you until our hair turns grey and our face all wrinkled.

I’m not in a hurry anymore. I know you’re out there. I promise when we finally meet - all those cliche’ things they say about love and finding the one will all makes sense. I can’t wait for it to all come true. Take your time. Heal your heart so that when our time has finally come - it will all be sweet and right. 

I know I will love you for the rest of my life. You’re God’s gift from heaven and the father of my future children. I want to have 3 by the way. Just putting it out there. And I can’t wait to meet your wonderful family. 

Dear future daughter,

"Wait 'till you get your own children,"

This is what my mom used to tell me and it sounds to me like it's going to be her "Sweet Revenge." I really hope you're not.

If there is really a parallel world that future is where right now, where future concurrently co-existing with this present. I am wishing that you're doing okay. I really hope that you are not usually crying in your bedroom. And trying your best to silently sob because you do not want somebody to hear it, because you do not know what to say when someone asks and it is easiest to remain silent than to make the world understand. And when you are finally ready to open up, no one listen. I really hope that is not happening to you in the future right now.

Believe me when I tell you that this world will sometimes betray you. All of your friends you trusted are not what you believe they are, no matter how much true you have been. Most of the time, they are not going to be there for you when you need them the most. People always have selfish motives. And they will always choose their motives over the friendship you offer. When you feel like the world leaves you, I promise that I will going to be your ever trustful and loyal best friend, when all of the people you believe left you, I will remain by your side. And I am willing, to give even my own life for you just to protect you.

Always remember that no matter how harsh the world to you, never, never hesitate to give love. People needed it most. So give it to everyone generously, and whole heartedly. And do not worry that you will be drain because I will always, always refill you with my love. Remember that.

But do not forget when I tell you that no matter how much love you give, only give your heart to one person who can be the same for you. And when you finally find that person whom you want to offer your heart with, never let go that person. If you ask me if I believe that there is a person that God destined to us, I will say "yes," but it is still up to us; it is still our free-will if we will choose and eagerly wait for that person destined to us. And that road is hard. And there are men, that are good at showing fake love, and sometime you will be deceive and will misunderstood them to be the 'one'. But I know you will soon determine what's true from not.

Never, never be afraid to tell the world what you want to say. There are no wrong words to utter or write, just a wrong audience that listen or a wrong reader that read. But know also that once you say a words, you can NEVER take it back and the right thing to do is to take responsibility for the words you uttered.

You will make a lot of mistake, and the world will define you with that. Learn to ignore it. I know, it will not going to be easy, you will not understand it and realize it in one day. It will take you years and sometimes a decade to learn that. But that's okay. And it's normal.

"Sorry" will going to be a big word to swallow, but will not poison you as well. And one more thing, do not forget to forgive yourself as well.

I promise to myself that I will be there for you when everything seems to be an entangled rope that will never be fix. I cannot tell you what to do, nor can I give you the right answer. But, I will give you the best advice I had learn and it is up to you to decide what is the best.

I will let you make your own decision. No one knows the right answer, for really, there is none, only a good choice. And to do that you have to take risk. Jumping to a cliff is really scary, but who knows, you might discover a paradise, if not, you will discover to survive.

Do things that scare you a little, for that will make you feel truly alive, but another but! Remember to only do things that you will never regret and your future self will thank you for.

I promise to let you explore the world, I will hold your hands not too tight, I promise to let it go when it is time. But I will keep my eyes on you. When the time come, I will let you fly as high as you can. I will give you a freedom to go to where you want to go, to be what you what to be for I know you will come back and visit me and make me proud.

There are times that you'll love me to death, and there will also come a time that you'll hate me to hell but remember I can be your worrier but at the same time I can be a warrior for you.

I will always, truly, generously, whole-heartedly, love you, protect you, and support you. Until I can, until my last breath until I'm in the world that knows you.

LOVE,

Your future mother

Open Letter to Ruth Malone

It’s rare I have a guest blog but in this case, it’s worth it. Below is an open letter to Ruth Malone, Editor of the Tobacco Control Journal from Shannon. (more…)