#onlythroughhim

This past week has just been hell for me... 

Am I still fighting depression or have I fallen again? I honestly don’t know but life sucks so bad right now and I feel like I can’t pull myself out of this sadness. Maybe its just been cause the week was so stressful and annoying, its like I wanna let it all go but I can’t. My heart is a constant wreck of pain and anxiety, I haven’t really felt rested or relaxed, the pressure is just always there and I’m so unhappy. 

Talking with TC is hard again, when we do talk he talks constantly and its become where I don’t even bother him with what’s going on with me or how I’m doing, I just shut up and listen, but its making me just shut him out of everything cause I feel he doesn't really want or have time to talk about me or deal with my problems. I haven’t technically yet told him at all what I’ve been struggling with since he's moved, but its cause I know he isn’t gonna like the answer. I mean who wants to hear that the women they love is so unhappy with life and is fighting depression... No one... and he has his own little life now down there and I have nothing to do with it or am a part of it. I would think he could tell something was wrong with me, either he has but isn’t saying anything or he thinks I’m perfectly fine which would mean he isn’t really paying attention to me at all. Which is what I’m scared of, its what I’ve dealt with for a while, people not actually caring or listening to me or what I struggle with, I’m always there for them but no one is here for me.

I honestly don’t know what this weekend holds or how I’m gonna pull myself away from slipping back fully into depression and the darkness I’ve been in once before. I know I need to try, I know I need to take action... I’m just struggling to have the motivation too...

So today Shelby had us to vision boards to help spark our goals for the year, at first I wasn’t looking forward to it at all but it actually turned out to be nice. Ended up finishing mine at home cause I needed to get back to work, but it really helped me also think about what I want to try and do more of or be better at this year. I think it will be a good reminder too to help keep me motivated. 

Pain wasn’t bad today, kept myself busy with work, the vision board and also writing my grandmother these little letters that my mother is putting into a scrapbook for her birthday in February. Took some time writing them but it it was nice reminiscing about some of the old things we use to do back when she lived in Beaver WV. I always loved visiting there, and wish I could go back one last time. I think the gift will turn out nice, hopefully my grandmother will enjoy reading all the families fond memories through the years.

Mom got kind of upset I guess at me cause she thinks I’m mad at her because I haven’t been talking that much, same thing has happened before, I just want to be left alone and that just for some reason makes her feel like she needs to be all up in my face (which doesn’t help). Its also annoying how she thinks everything is about her and she takes it so personally, like my other half is gone and I’m just trying to survive.. nothing is about you.. sometimes I just want to be left alone and don't want to have to explain myself to her. I don’t know, I guess I just don’t feel like talking, its at the end of the day, I’m watching a show and I don’t want to converse. But I know she's going to blow this out of proportions which just annoys me more, I just want to be left alone for a bit, nothing wrong with that, if I wanna be quiet let me be quiet don’t badger me about what’s “wrong” with me... ugh great way to end the day.

Okay so yes I am very broken and hurting right now and honestly don’t have any motivation to do anything... but I have to push through this. I need to fill my time with new things as well and occupy my time and better myself, sitting and being miserable is doing no good what so ever only continuing to hurt me more and make me feel all the more alone again. Its not going to be easy, it never will be because the one I love is gone and doing his own thing, so I need to do mine too. The pain won't go away most likely but keeping my mind off of it as much as I can will help me be okay with life again.

This is something I have to do cause the only other option is a split... which I don't ever want, I love and want to be with TC forever and that’s why this pain hurts so badly. But if I want to be able to keep him in my life I need to make adjustments to my own life so I don’t make myself miserable and in turn have problems happen with our relationship for no reason at all. So basically I gotta  find a way to get through/over my personal pains and press on, knowing its not going to be easy but that its attainable through work. 

I’m still very heartbroken still but I at least know what needs to be done and will starting trying to make those small adjustments to survive.

Its a new year and lots of new things have happened in my life lately, the biggest thing is TC heading off to chiropractic college in FL. To say its an adjustment is an understatement...its heartbreaking, and I’m extremely miserable lately. My entire life, my best friend, the person I wanted to and spent all my nights with is no longer here. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy but in all honesty I thought it was going to be a bit easier for me since I’ve done more long distance before. I’m realizing that since I have had similar situations in my past its making it even harder because of that fact. Anxieties and past situations flood into my mind like a painful reminder of the times of unhappiness and loneliness; I’m so scared of falling back into depression and that pit of darkness where I constantly was hurting on the inside but no one knew a thing. I don’t want to do life alone again and I know I need to fight to not let myself slip because of this huge change in my life. 

For the past 2 weeks I’ve been sad for sure, but definitely hit hard this past Thursday and Friday, a friend of mine brought to light what the root of my sadness is stemming from... not just the adjustment but the fact that he IS/will CONTINUE to make for the next 3 years A Life without Me in it... Everything he does, everyone he meets, every new exciting and fun thing he discovers will have nothing to do with me anymore. I’ve taken a back of the bus seat and have to watch all the fun being had without me. Which isn’t his fault which makes it that much harder, I know it needs to happen and will happen and I can’t and don't want to stand in the way of it, he needs to have friends and have a community while he is down there, it just is scary when you go from being someones entire life to barely being in it. He’s making friends and going to be getting close to theses people, but all they are are strangers to me and me to them, I’m just going to be “the girlfriend” instead of being known and included. Like I said the hardest part is knowing this is the inevitable future to come for the next 3 or so years. I feel so unimportant and like I’m just a passing thought now and not at the forefront of his mind, that scares me so much. I’m so worried about what will happen with time. It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting me, my heart feels like its constantly hurting or feeling the pressures of anxiety. I’m just praying to God that I can find peace and relief, I just keep reminding myself to try not to overthink and to give it up to Him, but i’m only human and its still hard like hell. 

All in all I don’t know what to do at this point, I’m feeling so heartbroken and miserable, on the verge of tears most of the time, but will continue to pray for guidance and comfort from the only person who will never leave me... God.

What do you major in to do that?