#on...

I wish I could get some free mulberry asks...

The amount of speeches I make this man do

I swear she loves him back ok

lol ok ok gotcha.

He's a slimy scumbag and can die.

Actually now that you ask, are there actual Octavian apologists out there? I wasn't really aware... strange, but ok! Personally I find him very very annoying and whiney although I should warn you last I read of him was in Heros of Olympus idk if he's made a comeback in the trails of Apollo I haven't really been keeping track. But yeah. There are my thoughts on him.

And she did

And I knew that I would be talking to someone who, yes, was concerned for me BUT is not so emotionally tied to me as to try and reassure me or ignorantly put my mind at ease.

She didn't.

If anything it should've made me all the more fearful.

But really I just feel seen. Without feeling remorse for upset caused elsewhere. Coz that wasn't a factor

Ran through all the specifics

Durations. Intensity. External factors.

No, it's not looking good. It's definitely serious.

She tells me

And then says

No more letting things go ignored!

And I agree.

And I feel a weird sense of relief

Further confirmation that there is reason to be fearful

But I feel better for knowing I'm not blowing things out of proportion.

This isn't a clumsy Google search and a jump to conclusion

It's a thorough exploration and a recurring probable explanation.

All signs point to catastrophe.

Something real is happening within me.

Maybe it really is nothing that can't be simply remedied

I won't settle on that explanation without thorough evaluation

Not again.

Too much overlooked in the first round

And here let's settle on the first clues found - easy indication

How is my research any less flimsy

Than a couple blood tests

A scan

And a reduction of symptomology?

No one is listening.

Still very much vexed over significant effects boiled down to

Mild red swelling

And I've wanted to curse the doctor out for failing to really listen

When I described the searing pain

The burning

The welts

The veins

Bulging under hot flesh as if begging to explode but-

Mild red swelling, resolved on it's own.

And I've come so close to cussing

At the rushing

Glossed over

Poor attention

And desperation

To close file and move on

Taking every trial as individual event

As if some 20-odd visits

In less than a year

From a face so infrequently present

That the comment always

I hardly recognised ya.

How in the hell does it not ring alarm bells

That the back and forth

The hospital visits

The frequent calls and

Inconclusive specifics

Form a picture unclear

Of a young woman's sickness

Could amount to...

Not much more than a catch-all label and a

Take this pill

We'll see you later

In six months time

For more tests that fail to

Capture the stress

Of the ailments that plagued ya

In the months that passed

Now we've collected this data

Not far from useless

Coz the trauma has settled for

The moment

In which you decided

Predetermined

Would showcase the reality

Of my lived experience.

I'm not ill enough in the moment

Guess there is no particular

Cause for concern.

You're doing well.

Improving they said.

Because I can't pick and choose

When I suffer.

I guess I needed to vent

Coz my biggest reservation

Is not in clear tests but

Poor rumination.

No second thoughts.

No explanation.

You're sick

Somehow.

Anything could happen.

Give us a heads up and

Oh I forgot to mention...

Coz who needs adequate focused attention

When it comes to health

What a life lived

What good could possibly come from understanding

What you're likely to come up with?

Here is a label for a thing we can't define yet

Maybe this pill will bide you some time.

Whatever happens happens I suppose.

Then the door close

And my body...

Does what it wants.

No one's watching.