1. become more well-rounded, and

2. not burn myself out on something i love

~ 2020 Reading Goals: Have fun! ~

Since it’s January, a lot of people are posting their long lists of reading goals. And of course, that is perfectly fine! I understand plenty of people are very ambitious about their reading and want to broaden their range or reduce their TBRs or read more translations or reach a certain number of books/pages etc. 

But for me personally, reading is one of the few - or maybe the only! - hobby that still feels like proper fun. Like, I exercise to achieve a goal. I pressure myself to write more. I set goals for my language learning. But reading… is something I 100% do because I want to, something that relaxes me and that I love and something that brings me such joy! 

Yes, I set my goodreads goal to 50 books in 2020 because I somehow managed to read 72 in 2019, the first year I ever counted, but you know what? If I notice at any point during the year that 50 books are unrealistic for me, I won’t be ashamed to reduce my goal. Honestly, I’ll do it and I refuse to feel any sort of shame about that. And you know something else? If I lower my goal, once or more often, and still fail to reach it... I won’t feel an ounce of shame about that either. 

I have this thing again where I question my life and my choices. Is my life worth living if it's not filled with 'normal' stuff? I guess we all know what I mean by 'normal' stuff. A partner, children, a career...

My life is my life but there is this inkling in my brain again that makes me feel as if I'm not a 'real' adult.

What real adult spends her time diamond painting or colouring or building Lego's...

I guess I do...

I also go to work, get groceries and cook dinner for myself. I wash my clothes, I clean my flat, I organize and declutter my space. Those things make me a 'real adult'. But sometimes the world makes it seem as if that's all I'm allowed to do (as a woman). As if my hobbies are cleaning/cooking/getting groceries/....

But those are not real hobbies, I don't care what the world says. Those things are things we need to do to survive.

But making diamond paintings, coloring, making greeting cards, writing, watching a movie, ect... that I do to feed my soul.

i felt like during my childhood I was deprived of learning skills because I was never given the opportunity and i was stupid enough to waste my time scrolling on social media, to my parents i always expressed wishes that i wanted to do something but it was never encouraged. i wasn't given any musical instrument lessons, encouraged to join a club, my parents knew i liked art but never fostered that skill much except for my aunt shipping me supplies at times (thanks so much) and gradually i lost interest. i know it sounds cliché but if i had spent just 1 hour per day drawing instead of scrolling the past 10 years i would be really good now, tbh. i am nowhere near the level of people with respectable art skills, but despite having drawn very little in my life, people always point out my drawings being above average and it makes me cringe every time because i know it's really good given the little practice i had but really bad given what it could've been had i just applied myself more.

and i feel so untalented and culturally sort of numb, like I would love to know what it's like to play music or move your body freely to music without this numbing shame and self-consciousness that paralyzes each movement and the stiff awkwardness, but at the same time, i don't know WHEN to do it, how to start and so on.