#on breakups

It’s been what, four years and eight months? It’s one of my favorite colors now. Do you think we can talk about that? About how pink is my favorite color and yours is…? I think I can lead with that. I think that’s a good conversation starter. It’s much better than asking if you’re still into anime like we were back in high school. I don’t think you’ve reached out to our old friends at all. They’ve been wondering how you were doing. We went out for lunch and had drinks till the afternoon. The seat next to me was empty. They didn’t ask, so I didn’t bother explaining the mess of it all. We were so close, I can’t believe we ended up the way we did. Chloe says it’s all a lesson I needed to learn but I don’t think I’ll ever learn from it. All I know is to take and I think I took the ballads you’ve written for me and the color pink, your glasses, your favorite nail polish brand, your mugs, your favorite flowers, your favorite combo in that one fast food chain that’s been closed down because the CEO was found out to be embezzling company money. Did I ever give you any of mine? Like how my favorite color was… wait, what was it? Is pink still your favorite color? I don’t think I’ll ever remember the time before pink, before you.

There's this thing that happens to me when I'm being broken up with. I, very weirdly, go tits-up on even wanting the relationship. No, not really, I mean that you'd think that from the way I behave. I get extremely cavalier and blasé about all the awful things happening. Oh, this isn't working for you? Okay. You thought this was a good idea, but now you're reconsidering? Cool, sure. You don't actually love me? Yeah, all right.

It's honestly quite awful the way my heart just switches off and I become a robot. A very supportive robot, like, you should do what's best for you!

And then, some point in the very near future, I begin to panic.

Slowly, at first, then a very, very quick spiral into trying desperately to salvage the relationship. Trying to take back every awful thing I ever said. Trying to punch life into the cold, detached way that I previously accepted being broken up with.

I don’t know about you, but I plan to put my characters through  a WORLD of pain. (I always do). The ending just isn’t that satisfactory unless they have to fight the world, and themselves, to get it.

Anyone agree with me? I learned that’s the trick to a really powerful story by reading, of course. Would Jane Eyre’s story have stuck with us all these decades, if she hadn’t had to go through fire and tears, many times over, to get to her happy ending? Would we love Elizabeth Bennet so much if she hadn’t almost lost Mr Darcy and his love not once but twice? Things going wrong, and espexially breakups, are what makes us care.

That’s why I was really thrilled back when the beta readers for Lose Me. got angry during the 3rd part of the book. At the same time, I took time to talk to each and every single one of them. I wanted the reasons for the character’s actions to be clear to the reader, but not force-fed. I changed the wording, added paragraphs, took out little misleading words. I edited, edited again, sent it to the readers multiple times. 

A r i   D e m o s  (stunt girl):

W e s t o n   S p e n c e r  (actor):

In the end, I had something that matched the idea I had in my head really well, and, hoping for the best, I released my baby book to the world.

As soon as people started reading the book, the Wes-Ari feels started flowing. And then.

The reviews.

I was so excited when people said that the book DESTROYED them. Isn’t that what we all want out of a good book? I was so thrilled when email after email, message after message came, and people GOT IT. THey loved that the story wasn’t “pink”, it wasn’t unrealistic, but it made them feel. It reminded them of themselves, of situations they’d been in, and it gave them hope that they could find something like what Ari had with Wes themselves.

Gorgeous Lose Me. aesthetic created by bestie @tea-books-lover

Of course, there were those who were furious that the characters had to go through any form of pain, and it was expected that not everyone will have the same opinion, but my books aren’t targeted towards these people. If you want a story that will make your brain stop working and fill your cells with sugar, then look away. This isn’t for you. 

I recently received an email from a lovely reader, who made me tear up with how well she GOT IT. And in the end, we write for ourselves, every author knows this, but oh, how amazing the feels when a reader actually gets us. (I believe that, deep down inside, we write for this reason as well. We write for the hope that someone will get us. At least I know I do.) Here is part of her email:

spoilers blurred out 

find this amazing reader and reviewer here.

And here is an excerpt from my email back:

I believe, from personal experience, that life isn't all flowers and roses and that people don't recover from trauma smoothly. I wrote this novel in the middle of losing my dad to cancer, and I wanted it to portray that strength that comes (sometimes) through grief, but also to contain a lot of dad-love and hope for the future. The story itself is based on my own experiences, and on those of the dude, [SPOILER omitted]. Such a [SPOILER] can change your entire personality, but most peopole don't care about that because they're used to the usual romance tropes. But I wanted to create a realistic romance, where things go bad, but you overcome them. So the fact that you understood and loved that meant the world to me. 

Anyone else with me? Anyone feel the importance of the path to happiness not being smooth? At least in our books, we can help our characters towards a happy ending, whether that means they don’t die in the end or that they end up together with their true love. 

That doesn’t always happen in live (it never does), but that doesn’t mean we can’t sprinkle our stories with a healthy does of realism and end up with something truly uplifting, because it feels real.

Maybe, after all’s been said and done, that’s the greatest thing art can aspire to: It feels real, even if it isn’t, and it depicts life while uplifting us, even when life itself does. 

Where to find Lose Me.