#oldjournalentry

Sometime in October, 2016.

A stable, sweet laugh ruptures, which comes all the way from the cavernous depths of your chest and it echoes throughout my ears But then a brittle croak comes from the back of your throat. And I know what is coming. It is Almost as if an impostor is in control of your lungs Taking your respiratory system hostage, Forcing out that crippling sigh of despondency.

A Speech well Rehearsed, Saturated…

October 14, 2018 

I am going to post this one last entry for the night and go to sleep because I still have work tomorrow. lol. ANYWAYS, tonight was great. I loved so much of it but when Queenie and I were driving back home from Williamsburg and while I was knocked... she started talking to me which roused me from my sleep. But what she said really woke me up. She was like, “Gabby I just realized something.. I realized it isn’t Gawa who I am waiting for.. it isn’t Gawa’s love that I want. I am waiting for myself. and the love I want is the kind of love only I can give myself”(we did a lot of emotional unpacking today and while we were at Howl-o-scream we talked a lot about our situation)  

I rubbed my eyes sleepily and allowed that to sink in. It was quite peculiar that she said that because... I was thinking the same goddamn thing today. HAHA. In fact, after all the sleep I got the past two nights... I decided to lose myself in writing new things and in reading old journal entries. Today, I picked up an old journal... one of the last paper / pen journals I had before the one I have today. It was a journal from 2014. and I found an entry that really moved me to tears. I’m about to write it here. 

June 02, 2018 

“Sitting at the Kempsville Starbucks with a very berry hibiscus tea. Lots of firsts in one moment. The baristas are really nice here but the very berry hibiscus tea is all too sweet and bitter at once. Strange isn’t it? I’m listening to The XX, I have no makeup on, and I am simply trying to contemplate on where I am at in life. 

I have 3 people still competing for my heart. In less than one week, I’ve received chocolates, got taken out on a movie date, got roses left on my car, been made breakfast, got taken out on multiple food dates... ALL BY THREE DIFFERENT GUYS. 

But the strangest thing is..... 

It doesn’t make me feel better. 

It doesn’t do anything for me. 

I feel like crap. 

and slowly... i am losing self love. 

I just want to improve my own life... its quality. I want to finish college you know? What are they to me if I am not together myself? 

It’s loud in here but I am the only one with a drink. The girl across from me is playing on her DS. I can’t tell her age. This drink is gross. I have enough irony and paradoxes in my life... I don’t need to be one too. 

October 14, 2018 

Honestly.. all this still resonates with me even today. To me.... realizing my goals and dreams while creating a better world....  these are the things I value the most in life and I am still fighting for me. I am still fighting for my dreams. I am still fighting for a better world. 

I wrote this in my old journal... (I like writing in old journals just as a check-in and as a way to speak to my past self) 

“This is going to be really surreal but .... hi.. it is I (lol). It is 2018 and I did it. I graduated with a Bachelors Degree in Speech Language Pathology & a minor in Sociology. I began to work for the public school system and now... now I am a High School Teacher. A Special Education Teacher. I have been single and I have been sexless for almost half a year now. It has been over half a year since I have been on a date. Queenie and Sami are still my main supporters. I am healthy and I am happy. And yeah, TJ and I didn’t work out and we tried to make it work for 4 goddamn years.. but I am finally getting that solitude and time to myself to heal and grow. I’ve been needing this for YEARS & I am finaly here. 

I finished college. My career is in education and teaching. and ... I am loving myself in a way that compels me to better myself. My next big dream is to relocate to the west and I’m SO excited to see it through. 

In this life and reality... I am my own lover. 

and my love? This love I have for myself? 

It is the greatest thing I have ever given myself. It is the greatest thing I have ever known. 

My reality isn’t perfect but I have worked endlessly and tirelessly for it. 

I hope you’re proud Gabby. I hope you’re proud because you are so goddamn powerful & strong. 

We did it. 

I went to work

I came home

I got in bed

And I will do the same again tomorrow

No thought or intent put into my day

Some people will never change, despite what they say. Changes are made slowly, it takes full commitment. Instead of saying what you’re going to do, do it. Do it without waiting to be praised. You may not see what you want in me, but don’t pick at my flaws. I know I’m aiming towards better. I know one day I will be able to love my imperfections.

As of now, you haven’t seen what I’m capable of accomplishing. But trust me, I know I will love myself completely and with any opportunity that comes my way I will stop at nothing to achieve my full potential.

While you throw your life away in drugs and alcohol, I am healing the wounds.

While you’re trying to put me down you won’t be able to, because I am already a step ahead. 

Good luck to you, may you not lose yourself completely.

As of now, I am feeling complete. I feel like my smile is pure, my heart is full of love.

I have learned so much about taking advantage of any opportunity that comes my way.

I have encountered people who have been suffering more than me, which made me realize that my problems will never compare to theirs.

It made me appreciate everything I have gotten through the past few months. I will never let anyone feel sorry for me, nor will I feel sorry for myself.

I was very selfish to think about my problems, without actually taking the time to fix them and blocking people out. I made up excuses, where I said I would never be happy and that I will never be good enough.

I know that now, I know what I am worth and I’m learning to value everything, everyone and even those who I don’t know as much.

You can tell a lot about a person by just observing them. I am glad to be surrounded by humble people who although they have so many problems, they smile and aren’t bitter. They allow you to enter into their lives without building walls around their heart.

I feel even more blessed to be accepted for who I am, than judged.

Today I almost gave up on everything I worked so hard for.

I almost gave into the things I told myself to stay away from. Eventually I distanced myself before anything else would occur.

I know I’m better, I’m stronger, I’m wiser.

I thank God for every small accomplishment, for giving me the strength to find peace within myself and my past.

There’s nothing more satisfying than knowing that I can turn my feelings off when necessary and I’m glad I’m able to detach myself from the things I know will end up hurting me.

My bad habits have all disappeared. Revenge and hate no longer consumes me, I feel way more alive. Although I have accomplished so much, I know I’m still not completely ready. That’s why I won’t give up, my ego has gotten to where it’s suppose to be.

I promise I won’t let myself down. Not for anyone, not anymore.