#newjournalentry

October 14, 2018 

I am going to post this one last entry for the night and go to sleep because I still have work tomorrow. lol. ANYWAYS, tonight was great. I loved so much of it but when Queenie and I were driving back home from Williamsburg and while I was knocked... she started talking to me which roused me from my sleep. But what she said really woke me up. She was like, “Gabby I just realized something.. I realized it isn’t Gawa who I am waiting for.. it isn’t Gawa’s love that I want. I am waiting for myself. and the love I want is the kind of love only I can give myself”(we did a lot of emotional unpacking today and while we were at Howl-o-scream we talked a lot about our situation)  

I rubbed my eyes sleepily and allowed that to sink in. It was quite peculiar that she said that because... I was thinking the same goddamn thing today. HAHA. In fact, after all the sleep I got the past two nights... I decided to lose myself in writing new things and in reading old journal entries. Today, I picked up an old journal... one of the last paper / pen journals I had before the one I have today. It was a journal from 2014. and I found an entry that really moved me to tears. I’m about to write it here. 

June 02, 2018 

“Sitting at the Kempsville Starbucks with a very berry hibiscus tea. Lots of firsts in one moment. The baristas are really nice here but the very berry hibiscus tea is all too sweet and bitter at once. Strange isn’t it? I’m listening to The XX, I have no makeup on, and I am simply trying to contemplate on where I am at in life. 

I have 3 people still competing for my heart. In less than one week, I’ve received chocolates, got taken out on a movie date, got roses left on my car, been made breakfast, got taken out on multiple food dates... ALL BY THREE DIFFERENT GUYS. 

But the strangest thing is..... 

It doesn’t make me feel better. 

It doesn’t do anything for me. 

I feel like crap. 

and slowly... i am losing self love. 

I just want to improve my own life... its quality. I want to finish college you know? What are they to me if I am not together myself? 

It’s loud in here but I am the only one with a drink. The girl across from me is playing on her DS. I can’t tell her age. This drink is gross. I have enough irony and paradoxes in my life... I don’t need to be one too. 

October 14, 2018 

Honestly.. all this still resonates with me even today. To me.... realizing my goals and dreams while creating a better world....  these are the things I value the most in life and I am still fighting for me. I am still fighting for my dreams. I am still fighting for a better world. 

I wrote this in my old journal... (I like writing in old journals just as a check-in and as a way to speak to my past self) 

“This is going to be really surreal but .... hi.. it is I (lol). It is 2018 and I did it. I graduated with a Bachelors Degree in Speech Language Pathology & a minor in Sociology. I began to work for the public school system and now... now I am a High School Teacher. A Special Education Teacher. I have been single and I have been sexless for almost half a year now. It has been over half a year since I have been on a date. Queenie and Sami are still my main supporters. I am healthy and I am happy. And yeah, TJ and I didn’t work out and we tried to make it work for 4 goddamn years.. but I am finally getting that solitude and time to myself to heal and grow. I’ve been needing this for YEARS & I am finaly here. 

I finished college. My career is in education and teaching. and ... I am loving myself in a way that compels me to better myself. My next big dream is to relocate to the west and I’m SO excited to see it through. 

In this life and reality... I am my own lover. 

and my love? This love I have for myself? 

It is the greatest thing I have ever given myself. It is the greatest thing I have ever known. 

My reality isn’t perfect but I have worked endlessly and tirelessly for it. 

I hope you’re proud Gabby. I hope you’re proud because you are so goddamn powerful & strong. 

We did it.