#oldbutnotyetwise

    I remember warmth and snuggling in darkness.  Nudging my Mom’s belly for food, being bumped around by all my brothers and sisters,  Mom licking me and moving me around with her snout.  I don’t think I felt happy or sad, I just felt safe.  

     As time went on my eyes opened and I was no longer in the dark.  My brothers and sisters were all having fun rolling, nipping and chasing each other.  Then one day we all got to go outside for the first time, it was fun to be in the sunshine and the grass felt good on our paws.  People were coming to visit and they played with all of us on the grass.  I was very happy, every day was so much fun.  Then something strange started to happen, people came and some of my brothers and sisters went away with them.  Then one day this man and woman came and took me away, I was so scared, all I wanted was to be with my Mom.

     I sat on the ladies lap in the big machine that vibrated and went so fast.  When I looked out the window everything was just a blur.  She smelled different than the lady at my house, and both her and the man were talking to me in high pitched voices as the lady gently petted me.  I felt very scared, yet I wasn’t scared of these people, I guess I was scared because I didn’t know what was happening.

     After what felt like a long time the big machine stopped beside a house.  I saw there was a lot of grass around the house, I like grass.  I wondered if I could run and find my way back to Mom but the lady carried me into the house.  As soon as I got inside I could smell another dog, a different dog I had never smelled before, then I heard the barking.  The man called the dog Tia, she was bigger than me but not as big as my Mom.  She seemed very curious about me, I was curious about her, but I was also a little frightened of her.  I couldn’t  tell if she was happy to see me or if she was mad at me.

     The days went by, and then the weeks went by and I learned that my name was Kiwi.  Tia was my big sister, sometimes she played with me, but sometimes she would just go off by herself but I would always try to follow her.  She was smart and brave, and we explored every inch of that yard.  I couldn’t go home to my Mom because there was this big metal thing all the way around the yard.  I could see out through it but I couldn’t get out.  In time I stopped thinking about trying to find my Mom. Tia and I had to look after this man and lady, they became our human Mom and Dad.

     Dad would take us for hikes and taught us lots of things.  I think our human Dad might have been an old human because he started to move slower, but he still loved us very much, I could tell.  I really liked my life, we had lots of fun and I was always happy.  It had been many years and then one day a very noisy and flashy machine came and took our human Dad went away.  Tia and I never saw our human Dad again and our human Mom was very sad.  We moved from our home to a new home in the city.  This home was very big, but we only lived in a very small part of it.  It also had a magic room where we would go in, the doors would shut, the whole room would shake a little bit and then when the doors opened up we were in a different place.  Mom was still very sad and no matter how hard Tia and I tried we couldn’t make her happy.  One day Mom took us somewhere and then drove away, we never saw this Mom again.

     We now lived with a new human Dad, and he had three other dogs.  It was a bit crazy with five dogs in the house but our new human Dad took us for lots of hikes.  He also taught me how to play fetch with a frisbee and that became my new favourite thing.  We thought this was our new home but after a few months our Dad took Tia and I for a ride.  This was strange because before it had always all five of us when we went out.  We drove a long way away and we met a man and lady and they took us for a walk on leashes.  They seemed nice but it was strange as this had never happened before.  Then we got into a truck with the man and lady.  We never saw this human Dad again.

     We travelled for a long way with this new man and woman and finally we came to a house.  This house was different, there were no other houses around it and there was some short grass around the house but then there was long grass everywhere else.  Tia and I thought this would be a neat place to explore.  This new man and woman showed us around, it was different than anywhere I had ever seen.  There was a wild smell here, not like all the other dog smells in the city.  Sometimes I would smell other animals but I didn’t know what they were, but I could tell some of them were big.

     Once again the days turned into weeks, months and years.  Tia and I were very happy here, we would go on long hikes for hours and we would never be on a leash.  There was so much to see and explore.  Tia liked to go off exploring but I liked to drop a stick for my Dad, he really liked throwing the stick so I would always bring it back to him.

     Sometimes in the winter we would still go for long hikes in the snow when our human Dad would put these big things on his feet.  Sometimes when the snow was deep Tia and I learned it was better to walk behind Dad because otherwise we would get stuck and it was much harder.  Sometimes Carol and Sherry would come and when that happened Sherry would bring her dog Gus.  I didn’t really care for Gus but I think he liked Tia, and that Tia liked him.  

     Our new Mom and Dad worked in the yard a lot, Tia and I would always go out and help.  We would also keep the other animals away to protect Mom and Dad.  Sometimes these big bouncy animals would come into the yard and eat Mom’s vegetable gardens. Tia and I would chase them out of the yard, I think Mom called them deer.  Sometimes Dad would take us out to that other building, we had beds there and Dad always gave us lots of treats.  He would make lots of noise in here, he would get mad at me when I took the sticks in here, they were square and rectangular sticks, I didn’t understand why the outside sticks were okay but the inside sticks weren’t.  

     Tia was very brave and was always looking for an adventure.  Sometimes Dad called her Dora The Explorer, I think that was because she would wander off.  There were two things Tia was very afraid of though.  One was when there was a bad storm the really bright flashes of light and the loud explosions.  The other thing was when the weather turned cool and suddenly there were lots of trucks and men around.  The men would carry these long sticks and sometimes in the distance we would hear loud bangs.  Tia would get very scared and run away, twice she ran away for two night times.  When she came home she would be very tired and not feel well.  I was always glad that she found her way home, I worried when she wasn’t home.

     Then suddenly it seemed like Dad got very old, very fast.  He didn’t take us for walks anymore.  He and Mom seemed sad, Dad could hardly walk at all.  Mom and Dad seemed sad, our friends who came to visit seemed sad and then one day we left our home, now Tia and I were sad too.  

     We moved to another home like before with the magic room.  A lot of our stuff from our old house was in our new home in the big building.  It was strange to be back in the city, so many dog smells everywhere, so much noise and now we always had to be on leashes, that was hard.  

     When we moved to the big building I could smell that Tia was different, it gave me a bad feeling.  I could tell she didn’t feel well before Mom and Dad could tell.  Mom and Dad took her to that building where there were lots of other dogs and some cats were.  I didn’t like it when Tia went into the room and I had to stay out.  I howled and talked about how this made me unhappy, then Dad and I had to wait outside.  

     Tia started to feel better but I could smell that whatever was wrong with her was still there.  We learned to adjust to living in the city, but we still missed our last home.  Then Tia started to get more sick, this made me sad, it also made Mom and Dad sad.  

     One day Mom, Dad, Tia and I went back to that building with all the animal smells.  Tia wasn’t feeling well and Mom and Dad were sad.  The man who is gentle was looking at Tia who was up on the table.  And then Tia went away, I mean she was still there, but she wasn’t.  I don’t know why but I knew was never going to see Tia again.  

     Tia was gone, Tia who had been with me since I was 8 weeks old.  I was sad, Mom and Dad were sad, and we were all too sad to try to cheer each other up.  

I can’t remember the first time I ever heard of this thing called a blog. I know it was many many moons ago.  I never thought it was for me.  I mean, I lived an entirely ordinary life and always seemed to say what I always thought were the wrong words and even if they were the right words, I didn’t have much to say and was always worried that I would say something that might offend someone or just plain old sound stupid. So, go easy on me ok?

I sit here this morning writing this because I just read my dear friend’s final entry in his own blog. He started his blog ‘oldbutnotyetwise’ 9 years ago. And I just learned of it last year when I reconnected with him. I've read every one of his posts including his last... his self-authored obituary. His last piece of advice - "Don't keep putting things off until tomorrow, because sometimes tomorrow doesn't come." Advice well taken my friend, wish me luck (I can see you smiling with that smirky smirk ;-)

Life is a funny and wondrous thing and often very challenging thing. It takes you on little side trips that seemingly don’t make sense and move you in different directions that you never thought you’d move in. And then, all of a sudden, all of the tumblers fall into place and it makes sense. Sometimes painfully so.

My friend Suzanne suggested I meet David. My marriage was in its final throes and I needed a male perspective. So we met. I liked him. Instantly. We talked as if we’d know eachother for many years. And he was delightful. He was a gentle giant who listened so intently and then asked you the most thought provoking and revealing questions to help you better understand and come to your own conclusions about whatever you were uncertain about.

Not long after we met, we were chatting one night about Sue’s birthday coming up and were trying to figure out something special we could do for her. Well, a visit to Winnipeg in December with -40 celsuis degree temps (well maybe it was -20 but it sure felt like -40!) with an almost stranger wasn’t what I was thinking but somehow, he convinced me that it was a great idea and before you knew it, we were off! We became great friends and, for reasons I won’t explain here and certainly not through any fault of his, we communicated only once a year (when he’d sent me a birthday text or email). He did so every year for almost 8.  

Fast forward to June 2023.  I read a facebook post of David’s that had me concerned.  Robin (his beautiful wife) and he were leaving their dream property in Nipissing and moving to Cambridge. When I asked him why, he told me something that took my breath away much like a gut punch would.  He had been diagnosed with ALS.

ALS.

At that time, I was enveloped in taking care of my 93 year old mom. She had Alzheimer’s, couldn’t speak or walk or later even eat. It was a terrible time and a horrible death.  Still, she was surrounded with love and our family did all that we could to let her know how much she was loved. But more on that maybe in another post.

I suppose I tell you this because I’m trying to find a reason why I didn’t fully enter back into David’s life until about October/November.

My friend Dana had once brought me a meal when I lost either my brother or my sister (sorry, can’t remember which) and then my friend Karen did the same when I lost my mom. I can’t tell you how much their thoughtfulness meant to me and how grateful I am to this day for their kindness. So, I was determined that this is what I would do for David and his wife.

He suggested I watch Tuesdays with Morrie - a movie about a man with ALS. I did and promptly asked David if we could be Tuesday people.  Well, it wasn’t every Tuesday and it wasn’t always Tuesdays but as much as his schedule and mine permitted, I would bring a meal for the three of us to share. It was a very special time for which I would be eternally grateful. We would eat and talk and enjoy eachother’s company. Often times David and I would take their ever-so-sweet Australian Shepherd named Kiwi for a walk around the neighborhood. David in his $30,000 wheelchair that seemingly did everything but make you dinner ;-)

It was on these walks that we had our deepest talks. Sometimes about what was to come and the inevitable outcome of ALS; sometimes about love and relationships; sometimes about favourite books and movies.  His favourite author was Robert James Waller.  One of his favourite movies was based on his book, The Bridges of Madison County. Other movies he loved were Life Itself and Boyhood. I’ve watched them all now and thoroughly enjoyed every one of them. I felt that by watching them, I would know David better.

He loved the natural world. He loved the paradise that Robin and he called home in Nipissing. He loved his dogs, every one of them. He loved his friends. He loved Chicken Parmigiana, Lasagna, Butter Tarts (without coconut), Boston Cream pie and, given he had a second helping, he at least liked my Goulash.

But most of all, he loved Robin. Oh how my heart aches at the thought of the beautiful, deep and pure love that they shared. It was the stuff of books and movies. It was the real deal. Even with thoughts of all the challenges of ALS and his imminent death, the one thing that brought him to tears and made him hurt the most was the thought of having to leave his beloved Robin. He didn't want to. If he could, he would have moved heaven and earth just to be able to stay by her side. And I know Robin would have as well.

Robin is an unexpected gift in all of this. She is incredibly kind and funny and sweet and truly beautiful. She is strong and courageous and so loyally and steadfastly took care of David until his last day. Though she had done so much - had given everything to David so that his dignity would be protected, his spirit supported and his heart filled with her love - she was still worried that she hadn't done enough and that she made a few mistakes. Robin, you don't know how incredible you are and what a gift you gave him. You are a hero in every sense of the word. I love you for everything you did for David and for how much you loved and protected and helped him. You were his everything and it's so clear why. I'm so grateful we connected and look forward to many more years of friendship if you'll have me.

The most heartwrenching text I've ever received from anyone was from David. It was his final text.

At 9:38pm on Thursday, May 23rd, 2024 he wrote:

"Light a candle at 10:00 tonight, I love you."

His time had come. I wrote him back. I didn't know if he'd read my text until the 25th. Robin told me he had. She also told me that he wanted his celebration of life to be on June 2nd so I could attend. These final gifts of his are indescribably important to me and have touched me so deeply.

He meant so much to me. And he gave me so much. Winnipeg, Justin Hines (especially "Say what you will"), little surprises like dessert from Bread Bar, an Ethopian restaurant, a little mom-and-pop italian restaurant, sushi, a beautiful hand-turned pen that he made himself, a book by Jann Arden. He gave me permission and encouragement to try things; to get out of my comfort zone; to believe in myself and even to love myself (because there was a time when I couldn't do either because of who I'd become and the ones that I'd hurt); to forgive myself; to accept things as they were and not to worry about things you cannot change; and to always see the good even in the worst - because, as he said, there is always good. Even ALS, he said, brought him gifts. The gifts of the love of friends and especially the deepening of the love Robin and he shared.

On May 8th at 10:45 am he sent me this and said that this was what he was pondering that morning and he thought that I might also appreciate it:

"You can't skip chapters, that's not how life works. You have to read every line, meet every character. You won't enjoy all of it. Hell, some chapters will make you cry for weeks. You will read things you don't want to read, you will have moments when you don't want the pages to end. But you have to keep going. Stories keep the world revolving. Live yours, don't miss out."

-Pillow Thoughts

I'll leave you with that for now but in David's tradition, I will also leave you with a few questions to ponder...

Who do you miss and wish you had back in your life? I encourage you to connect with them now not later if you can.

Do the people you love know you love them? Have you communicated how much they mean to you?

What's your story and are you really living it?

Whatever your answers are to those, I wish you a love like David and Robin's, an appreciation of the natural world and all the animals in it, good health, peace in your heart, courage and wonderful adventures!